"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

Yes I completely agreed parents sacrifice something not just Sahm

Taking a leap of faith like giving up a career can also bring transformation and opportunities that may not have happened.
If I had plodded on in my job and gone back after 6 months or so I wouldn't have done half of the things I have achieved. Nor be in the great position of now being self employed.

I don't mind people making comments about me but don't misrepresent my views. I have always said I am happy whatever the children do. Why would I want to determine what careers the children choose? I have never suggested any of the older children's careers are a mistake. I have repeatedly on thread after thread said I am content if they run a beach bar in costa rica, become contemplative nuns or anything. People like to think working mothers are a type but we aren't . We are as different as women at home. What I want for the children is what I have - good physical and mental health and after that to lead good lives. If they can do that whilst earning more than enough money that tends to make life easier. if they don't that's fine too.

I never understand how women at home are allowed to say working mothers don't bring up their children and farm them out and no one cares but if a working mother says children might benefit where mothers work that is some kind of sin against God if such a view dare to be spoken. They are both positions some women hold. Neither is worse nor better than the other.

That's right Jilly, you've never said anything bad. You've never compared sahms to prostitutes either. Never.

Xenia, just because a few SAHMs say things about working mums doesn't mean you have to jump on the other side and be just as nasty.

Also, now it comes to your own kids choices - high and low (in spite of their expensive education and privileged background) - then it's ok for them to do whatever they want or makes them happy. After all your sneery and belittling put downs to women who never achieved your dizzy heights in education and career and earning ability. Guess when it comes to your own it's a different story.

bambambini

Well said

Very often, when my DH says he is a SAHD, they ask 'but what work do you do', assuming that he also works from home. This pisses me off no end. It's hard work looking after DD and she is the most important job he has right now (as well as cooking me dinner, of course).

People say stuff for something to say. 99% of us are not judging or sniffing or snubbing or any of that, we're just saying stuff to fill the space in the conversation. Often it's formulaic because when you meet lots of people, as you tend to as a parent with kids doing different activities, you have the same conversation lots of times.

Just for future reference, what is the correct and not offensive to anyone response to "I'm a full time mum"/ "I work full time." Should I just respond to anything anyone says to me with "how nice" to be on the safe side? And ask no questions at all, clearly questions are offensive. In fact, perhaps I'd better just sit in the corner with a paper bag over my head.

It's also weird how on MN so many people say 'well, if my job didn't pay enough and I didn't enjoy it, I'd find a better paid one that I did enjoy'. Does no one have to go through a recruitment process? You can do training (if you can find it, and afford it) and you can apply for evert job under the sun, and you can practice interview techniques and memorise answers to interview questions. But you can't actually control the outcome of all that - you can't force someone to give you a better job

Well no treacle you cant but if you are employed and follow a career path, have CPD and take the opportunities that come your way or search them out then its likely you will be successful or come back to your career and have a plan for retraining etc
Quite telling you talk about "memorising answers to interview questions.
If Im interviewing I want to hear what you have achieved and how, what is your experience, how do your skills match the job description, what can you bring to the role ??

Memorising answers is not what interviewers are hoping for

But I've never worked for a company that offer any sort of continuous professional development, training, support for professional study. I've never worked anywhere that there is a career path or mentoring in order to move higher. I am educated to degree level, I put my heart and soul into the world of work in my pre children days, to the detriment of everything else in my life, including my family, my friends, my relationship and my health. It didn't get me anywhere. What I'm talking about is the assumption that everyone has access to a career path. They often don't, they have to take what they are offered.

I like working ft

I have 3 young children. I like stretching myself, learning new things, travelling and meeting new people.

But

I am
Always exhausted. Shattered. I took annual leave over Christmas and was ill with flu for the entire period. I literally could not eat my Christmas dinner and had to sleep instead.

I am ill again now - tonsillitis.

Work is fine but I suspect my children's memories of me will involve mummy doing a lot of sleeping, washing and cleaning

I think there is a difference between a sahm who is temporarily puuting her working life aside ( 50 years in total probably) to raise children and someone who is working because they don't need money; we could all do with more money towards pension, retirement, children's university (an island if you wish)etc etc...I think it is a minority who would really sit back and revel in not needing any money or ever work for financial reasons (puts tin hat on and waits for you all to tell me not to be so materialistic)

Agree with Jilly about mental health and health

And the reason I referred to memorising interview questions was because the one and only time I secured interview feedback after an unsuccessful interview, the HR representative scolded me like a schoolchild for not having memorised answers, and said it was very unprofessional to attend an interview without having done so. She said she wasn't interested in my experience or ideas, or thinking on my feet, she was interested in knowing that I had researched and knew the answers that ticked the boxes.

Ubik, don't worry. The children will be too little to remember any of that. They will simply appreciate that you work as they get older. Theu never remember who changed their nappies. They are too young to know and just need to be loved, cared for and kept safe by their parents, relatives and carers. Women at home get ill too as small children bring germs into all homes. It is so much easier as children get older whether you work or not and then much less illness.

Also the chidlren will remember both parents doing things at home and caring for them, not their mother doing that if you are in a fair equal home. So that is a huge gift to them - instead of presenting them with a model that women don't earn and instead serve at home that is a massive benefit to those children. They see fairness and equality and women working. Well done you and your other half if you have one.

Well, no, she was interested in my previous experience of course, but that was all covered in the application form and I wouldn't have got to interview if I hadn't had it. So what I mean is she was saying that the interview was about fitting in with the company ethos etc and to do that she expected me to know the answers they would expect to hear. She sent me off with printed questions and answers for next time. Only there never was a next time.

I always fancied being a Margot Leadbetter type.

Being a SAHM must be great if you have enough money for everything -nice home, holidays, clothes, shoes. But it can be a bit of a siege if you are struggling to pay bills.

That said - DP and I have a decent income and still struggle to pay bills so I don't think being a SAHM is on the cards any time soon

Treaclesoda were you expected to memorise answers for a competency- based interview?

Where on earth do you work treacle it sounds awful.
Even when I worked PT I had access to CPD- how do they expect you will remain up to date/develop.
I should imagine that is not the norm in most professions/careers ????

My children well remember me staying at home with them- in fact they have thanked my for it, and told me how lovely it was for them to race home from school and find me waiting for them.

My chidren have also witnessed me build up a business from scratch.

If "not remembering" is a criteria for how we treat our children when they are young- then why bother?

Rita I don't work there any more, I couldn't take it any more. It was a huge, very well known company. But that's really the point I was making - if you end up in a company like that, you can (and will have to) work your fingers to the bone, but it won't be for a career. I worked in that company for ten years and don't really have anything on my cv to show for it. Don't have any professional qualifications (company didn't support that sort of thing, and they were prohibitively expensive for anyone on a low salary). Never attended a training course or anything. Which of course is a vicious circle, because the lack of professional development makes you less attractive to other employers.

I worked in the public sector for a while, where admittedly there was training available for permanent staff, but since most people, icluding me, were on temporary contracts, most of us couldn't access it.

I don't think it's that unusual tbh, most people I know haven't had any opportunities to train, or develop themselves through their workplace.

LOL bluestars just shove them in a dresser drawer for five years and hose it out at intervals, they'll never know the difference!

All kids grow up in the family they grow up in, they don't know any different and unless they are cold heartless shits will grow up to appreciate the efforts their parents made in raising them. Financial equality is one kind of equality, but not the only kind. I don't earn more than a few hundred quid a year (i do ad hoc freelance work sometimes) BUT my kids get to observe their dear old mum relaying the monoblocking and resealing the bath. My wonderful DH isn't much use with a hammer but he's a brilliantly loving man who loves cuddling up to read a book to the kids and who likes taking them to age appropriate theatre events (as in he went, willingly, to the cbeebies roadshow thing AND joined in all the audience participation bits - I would rather eat my knee with a rusty fork).

Kids raised thoughtfully in a happy home by parents with a healthy relationship to one another will think their parents are great no matter what they did in terms of WOH, SAH, WAH etc.

Why did they race home to find you there blue [confused ?
Didn't you pick them up ?
I also arrived home at the same time as my DC or shortly after due to the hours I worked.
Dh would collect them.
my WOH didnt prevent me from being at home after school.
They remember all sorts of things mostly what type of cake we had

Well indeed bigbluestars why did I bother having children?

One positive of working full time is that I have three daughters who have a close relationship with their father. In fact he spends more time with them as he is self employed and plays a full part in their day to day lives. He does the cooking, appointments, he supervises homework and at weekends we both take a share of the cleaning.

I hope my daughters have similar expectations of their future partners.

And yy Kitchentable. I have a SAHM friend who got a drill fur Christmas she was delighted!