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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
Bambambini · 17/02/2015 11:52

"As a family we do not need more money, we do need more time"

Good way of putting it. I didn't have a massive paying career I loved. My husband does. For me to go out to work wouldn't really help us that much financially but would impact on our quality of life, free time, stress levels etc.
Why do people want people to have a harder, more work, more stress life than they need to? Of course there are pit falls and downsides like everything in life.

Dimplesandall · 17/02/2015 11:53

That's good. I was middle-senior mgmt, great pay, final salary pension, part-time. A good few years on, am on a "good" salary of £7-10k LESS with double the commute. And more hours than want to do. But all that's out there unless go for lowlevel admin role on half the salary locally. Which i never get interviews for as am oveequalified!

RufusTheReindeer · 17/02/2015 11:53

dimples

I agree with you in my case Grin

But a number of my friends were SAHMs and have retrained in vocational careers and are earning much more than they used to

So again it's not all SAHMs

You do absolutely have to be careful though, as you say for a lot of SAHMs they end up going back to work in much more low paid positions, the majority in my personal experience

Dimplesandall · 17/02/2015 11:57

Bambamini- i can only trust myself, ultinately. dont want.can't to rely on dh any more despite his high income. To be frank, if i upped sticks and left him, wd be significantly better off as a single parent on benefits than i would on my net income after travel & childcare. But that's another thread/debate!

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 12:18

dimples you'd probably get tax credits though?
Although I did find when I was a single parent with a baby it worked out roughly the same for us whether I worked or stayed at home. I went out to work.
It's wrong that working doesn't always pay, but Like you said, that's another debate x

sherbetpips · 17/02/2015 12:26

I know a lot of SAHM's who have decided to stay at home even in light of financial stress and strain because they no longer wish to work and want to dedicate themselves to their family. There husbands are not rich, they don't go on foreign holidays or out to dinner much but they are happy.
It would terrify me to think that there was only one persons wage to rely on but then again I have always worked and that has given us a standard of living that simply wouldnt be the same on one wage. Couldnt pay the stupid sized mortgage for one thing! Each to there own.
The reality is part time jobs are not usually positions of responsibility and therefore they have lower wages however qualified you are. You either want full work responsibility or you don't, that is a career choice rather than some evil plot by all employers against part time workers. (although there are many evil employers out there).

noddyholder · 17/02/2015 13:14

DO people irl ever ask these questions of each other though? I've never met anyone who does! I have a mixture of friends who work and don't and freelance and workaholics and on and on and we just don't quiz each other or judge!

ImGoingForATwix · 17/02/2015 13:21

Penguins, I wasn't in 'a minimum wage type job' and put myself through university and spent more than 10 years working on my career but right now, I am genuinely happy being a SAHM. It's not forever. I've got another 30 years of working on my career ahead of me. I'm very much in the 'work to live' mindset though and whilst I have a strong work ethic, it's not what makes me happy. I know plenty of working mums who would rather be at home, but can't as they need the money. That's what I meant when I said SAHMs often feel the need to say they realise "they're lucky" because they don't want to rub it in the face of those who would love to be in their position. That's not me saying every working mum feels like that. Some wouldn't enjoy staying at home. That's fine too. Everyone I know, myself included, tries their best to do what's right for them and their family, almost always coupled with a large slice of guilt that we should be doing it the other way.

Thumbwitch · 17/02/2015 13:25

It is completely unreasonable to take Bigblue's comment that she made to jillyR out of context and assume that she was talking about all WOHMs. She wasn't. She was replying directly to JillyR commenting that SAHMs damage their children and it's worse for them to have a SAHP.

NO ONE has said that all WOHMs are "unable to create a nurturing environment" - that was aimed JUST at JillyR as she seems to think that her being at home would damage her children (she must do, especially as she's extrapolated her own opinion out to ALL children of SAHMs Hmm).

Twisting BigBlue's post to be more wide-ranging than it was doesn't make anyone look good.

Kittymum03 · 17/02/2015 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChandler · 17/02/2015 13:32

Thumbwitch Twisting BigBlue's post to be more wide-ranging than it was doesn't make anyone look good.

I'm not twisting anything. I think it was a horrible thing to say directly to another poster. I was taken aback by it.

Without wanting to get into some kind of pathetic online spat, I'm not really interested in "saying things to look good" either (as might be noticeable). I find that very false.

Dimplesandall · 17/02/2015 13:32

@concrete- just checked re tax credits and even alone wd qualify for nothing! chlldcare is au pair/nanny help, unregistered.

bigbluestars · 17/02/2015 13:39

Exactly thumb witch. My comment was for jilly. She thinks that children are "damaged" ( her words) by being cared for by a SAHM.

Sarcastically I suggested this was a reflection of her own experience.

We all parent differently- I know plenty mothers who have had their children in nursery since they were months old- I know that they are doing the best for their family and the choices they have made are the best for them.

I would never dream - as jilly has said that the WOHM are " damaging" their children.

I am not in other people's situation. I don't walk in their shoes- I parent as I see fit, and that included staying home with my kids. I totally respect any mother who feels that is not the best thing for them.

I do take exception to the idea that I am damaging my children by being a SAHM.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/02/2015 13:45

kitty

I have asked this question too, but haven't meant it in a judgemental way, nor to make assumptions the friends are rich.
If it is beyond someone's reasoning is it such a bad question to ask.
You are right of course it is nobody else's business but neither are any other situations where people make choices on lifestyle.

I suppose some may find it odd for people to work and not make a profit, myself included. It doesn't make us right or wrong, its just a different viewpoint.

Kittymum03 · 17/02/2015 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 17/02/2015 13:51

Thechandler - but you're ok with JillyR telling SAHMs that they're damaging their children then, are you? And that wasn't aimed at just one poster, but at ALL SAHMs, and is a stupid sweeping generalisation that she is unable to back up in any way

bigbluestars · 17/02/2015 13:52

thechandler- I see my comment as a natural response to jilly's view that I am damaging my children- but that's OK is it?

Stinkle · 17/02/2015 13:54

DO people irl ever ask these questions of each other though?

Yep. All the time in my experience as a SAHM

Especially now both my children are at school.

I'm a foster carer and our local authority won't allow you to foster and work out of the home as I'm expected to be on call 24/7.

They're choices we made as a family and it works well for us, so lord knows why I find myself justifying myself, but I do

morethanpotatoprints · 17/02/2015 13:58

Kitty

No disrespect here at all, but I always thought it a bit daft to work for nothing as I have always been a sahm.
Mnet taught me why people do it and you will win financially in the long run for sticking it out.
I was the daft one I suppose for not seeing this, but it was an alien concept to me. I had no idea of childcare costs or how it worked etc, I saw people around me living this type of lifestyle but didn't know anything about it as hadn't looked as it didn't apply to us iyswim.

So I think the daft of us can always take somebody else's situation and think what that person is doing is crazy, maybe we should all open our minds to how other people do things rather than being daft Grin

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 14:02

In regards to damaging children- I did think that SAH would be better for my DD but she's now 2&1/2 and has started going to nursery one day a week, been going for 3 months and so far hasn't uttered a single word to any of the adults there. I think she's got selective mutism. Yes she'll probably grow out of it and she is just a naturally shy child but I'm worried about how she's going to get on in September when she starts nursery school. I doubt she would be having these problems if she had gone to nursery from being 8-9 months old and I'd gone back to work.
I know it's not my fault but I'm feeling pretty crap about it Sad

morethanpotatoprints · 17/02/2015 14:03

Stinkle

Much respect to you Thanks

I am adopted, almost from birth (1960")
My mum wasn't allowed to work but when dad came home and took over she was out nearly every night doing some sort of committee or charity work.
You just reminded me of my childhood Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 17/02/2015 14:03

Later 1960's I'm not that old Grin

Thumbwitch · 17/02/2015 14:03

But you don't know that, concrete - she might be just the same or worse!
Please don't beat yourself up about that :(

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 14:05

However, I would say that other than that, she's a very lovely content child, at home she's happy, confident, good language skills, very intelligent, well behaved..she's a pleasure to look after. So other than this mutism I think I've done a really good job.

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 14:07

Thumbwitch - yes you're right, but we do tend to blame ourselves for everything don't we? Guess it's the feeling of guilt we get that makes us want to thrive for the best for our kids x