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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
SocksRock · 17/02/2015 10:42

I have said this recently, and I really hope I didn't come across as smug. Hopefully I came across as desperate, unhappy and upset as I was harassed, overworked and generally forced out of my last job and the mental health issues it has left mean I am bloody lucky we can afford, financially, for me not to work as it means I can take some time out to be with the children and recover from a year of hell.

SocksRock · 17/02/2015 10:42

I have said this recently, and I really hope I didn't come across as smug. Hopefully I came across as desperate, unhappy and upset as I was harassed, overworked and generally forced out of my last job and the mental health issues it has left mean I am bloody lucky we can afford, financially, for me not to work as it means I can take some time out to be with the children and recover from a year of hell.

ImGoingForATwix · 17/02/2015 10:46

YABU, I think SAHMs who do so because they're able to live off one wage often feel the need to say "they are lucky" because like others have said, loads of working mums would love to stay at home (not all, I know!) but can't. It's not being smug, ime.

Primaryteach87 · 17/02/2015 10:50

Oh gosh, this has descended very quickly hadnt it! Really don't take a few comments on here as the perspective of most SAHMs, we want to be respected in our situation and choices, and in turn respect yours. Everyone is trying to do the best for their children. I don't see the need for people to get so nasty/defensive.

Primaryteach87 · 17/02/2015 10:51

^hasn't it?

Philoslothy · 17/02/2015 10:52

I suspect that most people don't care whether others respect their choices. we just do what we need to or if we are lucky what makes us happy.

Heels99 · 17/02/2015 10:57

Haven't read all the thread but I know one mum who says this and I don't think her dh earns much money they don't have a very lavish lifestyle to say the least. My dh earns a lot more and I also work. So not really sure what to say when she trots out the don't have to work lucky me line. she is in a less fortunate financial position than most. I find it irritating as it kind of suggests that I too could be a SAhm if only I had her financial luck. When in fact she is a lot less well off than we are?! I would rather she say she doesn't work by choice and not link it to financial situation. Not criticism of her decision not to work.

Penguinsaresmall · 17/02/2015 10:59

Imgoing how do you know loads of working mums would love to stay at home? I don't know any who would.

Maybe it depends on who you know - yes I imagine if you work for minimum wage in a job you hate, you may well hate working. But if you have put yourself through college and work in a profession you love, why would you want to ' stay at home'? I love my days off, but if they were every day I would get bored very quickly.

Of course if I were to win £millions, DH and I would give up our jobs tomorrow and spend the rest of our lives travelling the world. But until I can afford to jet off to Monaco one day and Paris the next, I will keep working.

Philoslothy · 17/02/2015 11:01

But if you have put yourself through college and work in a profession you love, why would you want to ' stay at home'?

I have done this twice but would rather be at home.

Kittymum03 · 17/02/2015 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penguinsaresmall · 17/02/2015 11:11

Philoslothy genuinely, maybe you were in the wrong profession then?

I took extended maternity leave with all my DC; but once they were in school, I wanted to be at work again. If I hadn't enjoyed my job I would have looked for one that I did enjoy.

If DH told me he no longer enjoyed his job, he would probably start looking for another one. He definitely wouldn't give up working and sit at home all day - surely (now our children are at school) he would be considered lazy for doing that?

So why the double standards?

Bambambini · 17/02/2015 11:19

Come off it. TheChandler and Jilly have been stirring and provoking big time. For them to turn round and be shocked and disgusted at some responses to them is funny and all part of their comedy routine, I'd imagine.

Philoslothy · 17/02/2015 11:23

No, I have had two careers and loved them both. I did explore part time but that was not an option. The gap between our last two children is small and therefore I do not think that it would be fair on my school to come back for a few months and then go again.

I have worked for a significant portion of my adult life, I now want to do something different. I am in a lucky position that I can make money from our home and investments. My family don't need more money tbh, with a stepson, five children of our own, one on the way, cats, dogs, sheep, pigs, horses and goats we do need somebody at home to run the show more than we need me out working. I like being at home and so it makes sense for me to do it.

Philoslothy · 17/02/2015 11:26

Your double standards are there bevause it works for our family. I do have a child at home and one on the way but I suspect that I will be at home when they are all at school. My husband will probably retire not long after that and so there will he no double standards.

Penguinsaresmall · 17/02/2015 11:29

Philoslothy if it works for you that's all good.

I suppose I am very fortunate that I was able to continue PT in the job I loved after having the DC - I realise for many that's not an option.

Yes I agree that certain posters have been shit stirring. And let's face it, it always works when the subject is whether or not your choices as a mother will mean your DC end up mentally scarred for life...

TheChandler · 17/02/2015 11:29

I haven't been stirring. I have made it quite clear at all times that personally, I don't think much of people of either sex who are with someone for the lifestyle that they can provide them with, and who do nothing for themselves.

I have made it equally clear that I do not apply this to SAHMS specifically, as I don't see those who have had jobs or at least done something for themselves before having children as falling into that category at all. I fully respect people who admit to enjoying time at home after establishing some level of financial security, or who do voluntary work (proper voluntary work, not just once every six months to make themselves feel good), or sport or whatever.

And it has only been those militant type of SAHMS who cannot see this distinction and who like to put words in people's mouths. I also find these pronouncements on the harm that working mothers supposedly do to their children, highly ridiculous. That's condemning more half the mothers of Britain.

I have also made clear its a personal view - if someone has never worked or provided for themselves in their life, or bothered to do anything at all interesting, but instead has devoted themselves to obtaining and keeping a partner to pay for them, don't be surprised if other women see through you. Many women can and do after all have children, to base your whole sense of self worth around it is I think a bit outdated these days.

But since you think everyone who isn't a SAHM isn't worth bothering with, it won't concern you, will it? You'll be too busy nurturing to even post, surely?

Bambambini · 17/02/2015 11:36

I think it's great that some folk absolutely love their job or career, especially if they make a good living from it. That is probably an ideal option. But, a lot of people don't - they might enjoy some aspects of work and have times where they really enjoy it but also times where they tear their hair out if not hate it. Some might think it's smug for well paid career/ job loving women to say this when the reality is different for many people and often people's opportunities in life is partly down to luck. But, I'm glad there are people out there who love what they do - my husband is one of them.

I still wonder if folk won the lottery how many of them would continue doing exactly what they do though or take take out to have an easier, less stressful life.

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 11:36

penguinsaresmall why is it so inconceivable that someone can enjoy being a SAHM? It is a job in itself.

From being a little girl all I ever wanted was to be a mummy and look after children, why would I then want to get my dream and then pay someone to look after my babies?

My career will still be waiting for me in a few years, my babies won't be.

I'm not for a minute saying that everyone should be a SAHM, it isn't for everybody. But it doesn't mean that SAHMs must have been unhappy in their careers.

Bambambini · 17/02/2015 11:39

Where are all these women who have never ever worked and set out to snare a rich husband? We must be moving in extremely different circles.

Dimplesandall · 17/02/2015 11:40

Agree SAHM is a job, generally speaking. But sadly NOT true that "your career will be waiting for you in a few years". Therein lies the problem.

Philoslothy · 17/02/2015 11:40

I haven't been stirring. I have made it quite clear at all times that personally, I don't think much of people of either sex who are with someone for the lifestyle that they can provide them with, and who do nothing for themselves.

I do bring in money but even if I did not I do bring a lot to my family. It shows a lack of imagination to think that the only contribution you can make is financial. As a family we do not need more money, we do need more time. I could pay someone to nanny the children, clean the house, do the gardens, run the farm but it would not leave much out of my wage and I would have to spend time managing that person. Alternatively I could do it myself

Philoslothy · 17/02/2015 11:42

I don't think that being a SAHM is a job, I do think it is a lifestyle choice. I have taken five years out and walked straight back into work, I am quite confident that I could do that again - if I wanted to - which i don't

Penguinsaresmall · 17/02/2015 11:44

I was a SAHM when my children were at home. As soon as they started school, I started working again. I completely understand why anybody would want to be with their children, I enjoy being with mine! But now they're at school, I would just be in an empty house all day.

And btw - if we were to win millions tomorrow DH and I would give up our jobs in a heartbeat. Yes we both enjoy our jobs, but not as much as we would enjoy travelling the world, having a personal chef, butler, maid, and drinking G&T's by the pool all day Grin

Dimplesandall · 17/02/2015 11:46

Career-building, decent level/income/pension work? And interesting? Workabke round kids?
If so, you were extremely lucky and may not be so again when 5 years older with rustier skills.

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 11:47

dimplesandall in my situation yes I can walk straight back in to the job I was doing before, on the same pay, if I want to.
It depends on your career, I suppose if you're higher up the ladder or in a position which rarely becomes available then it's a tricky one, taking a career break could be a gamble.
But for me it's just meant that I've missed a couple of years of potential growth, but I can walk back in exactly where I left off.