"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

I'm one that usually has that said to Me. I was a SAHM and I don't feel like it's just Luck at all. I worked for 17 years before having ds. In that time I bought my own home and when dh and I got engaged I moved home with my mum to save for our future. Dh's lease agreement was up so he moved into my home and paid me rent.

I put every spare cent into savings for over a year. In that time I put money into my retirement fund as well. We talked about what we wanted and we both agreed on me being a sahm. Six months after we got married my mum died leaving me with an inheritance and we paid off our house. I'd give anything to have her back.

I now work part time and hope never to go back full time but would if I had to. But first of all I think we were smart about it and the luck part with my inheritance did not play into it at all. So when I'm told how lucky I was I'm quick to point out that it just wasn't 'luck' sacrifice and planning went into it as well.

DH is SAHD at the moment, and I do comment on how lucky we are to be able to afford that. Because we are and I'm grateful for it. I have friends who've worked hard all their lives in much worthier jobs than mine and still have to go back to work when their babies are 6 months to make ends meet. What are we supposed to do, be smug because we're cleverer than them and got better jobs? No, I'm grateful for the good fortune and opportunities DH and I have had to get into the position we are in. I don't feel we've done anything to deserve it particularly. That's what I'm acknowledging when I say we're lucky.

As I said before, noone's actually ever said this to me. If someone did, I would find it smug. It may be that they do genuinely feel fortunate but by saying it, they are implying that those who work are not. I'd probably counter it with "I feel lucky that I have a job that pays enough to cover childcare". That said, working mums can be horribly smug without provocation towards those not in paid employment (they are still working though!) I don't accept that good fortune is determined by working status.

It's not to DH's benefit that I am a SAHM at all. He would quite like me to go out to work, tbh! But I'm not going to, until DS2 is at school. And then I will start up my self-employed business again, not go out and get a job.

It has been entirely for my and the DC's benefit that I SAH. In the UK I could WAH, but not here, as I think I've already said on this thread - and as for JillyR's bollocks nonsense, it certainly hasn't been "damaging" for my DC - what a load of utter tripe!! Biased nonsense - sounds like Xenia.
It really pisses me off that "worth" is only based on "money gained from external work" for some women - bloody tragic. All those people who stay at home to care for people who need care (not just children) - they're all apparently "worthless" for taking on a caring role. Unless of course they do it for money, when suddenly it becomes "worthy" again. . Balls.

SAHMs are either leeches- bumming off society, or so undermined that they have become an unpaid servant to some high flying husband.

Says it all really, SAHMs are either parasites or slaves- we really can't win, we have to be pitied or scorned.

And even worse is that these views further devalue the role of carers within society.

Staying at home to look after small children is a worthy activity in itself- these early years are important.

SAHM often contribute to society in other ways too- the unpaid helpers in the classroom, the ones who always help on school trips, sports days, swimming classes or help with fundraising.
These women often help look after elderly relatives too, taking them shopping or to the GPs.
SAHM are the ones that are working as unpaid breastfeeding counsellors or helping to run baby and toddler groups, working as volunteers for charities a few hours a week.

All this work in unpaid and often unrecognised, but it makes our society a richer place.

Bigblue and Thumb I agree.

Caring for other people is so devalued as to be written off as worthless by many people, lazy even, when done for free. And in a paid capacity, caring for children, the disabled and the elderly is some of the most poorly paid work that there is. I wonder why that is? As a society we seem to weirdly scorn those who care for others (with the exception of Drs and nurses, who need a degree to carry out their job) in almost any capacity. Yet on an individual level, as a general rule, everyone wants the best care possible for their individual family. How can we simultaneously be disgusted by caregivers (paid or unpaid) and yet so demanding of them? It's messed up.

wheres the op then

writing her bit for the DM?

There is an implication on their thread though that working fathers (and mothers) don't care, isn't there? We bring up our children. We do a lot of care. It is just not 24/7 and all the better for not being so.

jilly- perhaps your children are better off in someone elses care- but that is not the same for all of us.

I am sorry that you feel unable to create a nurturing environment for your children.

So cab only SAHMs provide a nurturing environment ?

Someone has to care for children.

Do what suits, so long as you don't leave them home alone!

That comment was directed to jilly.

I have no issue with parents who use daycare- different strokes.

What I do object to is being told that staying home with my kids is detrimental to them.

Absolutely Bigblue

I also have no issue with childcare or mothers who work - it's what I'd be doing in different circumstances, and what I have done in the past.

It's as another poster said upthread, I usually see a lot more venom on these threads being directed at sahms (you're lazy, your husband will leave you etc) than vice versa.

If someone says they are lucky not to work those of us who find work is better than being at home could ask what it was about their work they did not like

I loved my job, but while on maternity leave the allergy I developed while working (to materials I used) worsened so I am prevented to returning to my previous job.

Also, add to that, I spent a large amount of my school life (from the age of 8) going home to an empty house (for lunch & end of day) having my dinner cooked by my sister who was 2yr older than I, being sick at home, on my own while my mother worked. I walked myself to & from school from 6yr old. Now, I know my mother was a less than good enough mother to me. But the times I needed her, she wasn't there. This is why I vowed to be at home for as long as I could, because I know how much I needed my mum & made a promise to myself that my children would never feel that alone. And I am not saying that all children of working parents feel like that, not at all. That is my experience & my reason for being lucky enough to have the choice to be a sahm!

But thanks for making the assumption that I hated my work. Infact I still miss it to this day!

Children seeing that mothers earn and succeed rather than clean and mind house whilst being kept by men "Mind house" Wtf? My children don't see me clean, because dh does it. They do see me volunteering 3 days a week in a food bank. They also see me volunteering at their school, in various roles.

I am not saying people have to agree with me but don't assume it is "lucky" or nice for children or families or better if a mother is home. The opposite case can be made. There is no moral high ground in being home. My 11 yr old says she loves having me at home & feels lucky to be able to have me here, because she knows she would hate after school club. My 6yr old tells me that she is away from me for too long as it is, during the school day, so she said it's better than nice having me pick them up!

Tell us, oh wise one...what are the pitfalls of being at home. (apart from keeping house/not being able to pay for school fees)

Most SAHM do it because their DH isnt willing to participate. Oh what a crock of bollocks!!! You have no idea what you are talking about. More patronising crap from a person who thinks women can't think for themselves or judge what is best for their children! We don't all need a man to make the important choices for us...we are quite capable.

I adored my job. I was very lucky to have the choice of whether to work or not when my babies arrived.

bigbluestars I am sorry that you feel unable to create a nurturing environment for your children

Oh wow, what an awful thing to write to someone directly.

That sort of comment reveals far more about the writer than anything else.

Both SAHMS and WOH can either provide or not provide a stable environment for their children. Suggesting children of working parents are in some way damaged is beyond ridiculous and simply tells you that there is a total lack of perspective. Obviously this thread is dominated by non-working parents, as most will be too busy working to post.

I was very lucky as after 14 months maternity I was able to return to my role 50 percent. It's not essential for the income but with our lifestyle agreements in place it causes no disruption as always either myself or Dp always here.

I like having my own income and all the extras that come with it. However I only sometimes work about 4 days a month so practically class myself as a sahm In some respects.

My own dm always seemed to have to make excuses about being a sahm ie "your dad always wanted me home for you children" I don't think that was the case at all however. I always remember it though.

I think it's whatever works for you and your own situations.

How awful to imply a sahm is just leeching as her Dh limbers up for an affair

thechandler- but this is in response to jilly stating that kids who are looked after at home are done so to their detriment.

Maybe in her house- but not in mine.

No one is suggesting that kids of working parents are "damaged". In fact the reverse is what is being said here.

Have you actually read some of jilly's comments? Insulting beyond belief.

I made the decision to be a SAHM because financially it wouldn't have been worth me going out to work, after paying childcare for 2 DCs.
I would rather be broke than miss out on seeing my kids grow up, because we don't get the early years back.
My friend is the opposite to me, she could afford to be a SAHM if she wanted to be but she loves her career and to her being successful in her work and climbing the ladder is very important.
It's just down to personal preference and working out what you want from your life and how you want to bring your children up, there's no right or wrong answer.

To answer back to any smug sounding mums I'd just say "oh I love my job, I'm so lucky that my employer has been so flexible and accomodating, I get to be a mum and have a career, I can't wait"

And to quote jilly " They are probably damaging their children by not working".

Nice.

Oh wow, what an awful thing to write to someone directly.

No worse than some of the stuff yourself & jilly had spouted...if you can't take it, don't dish it out.

I am sorry that you feel unable to create a nurturing environment for your children

Wow. Lovely to see women standing together and supporting each other in their choices

I work (school hours, and very lucky to be able to, I know). And as my children are now all school age, I rely on their teachers to provide the nurturing environment whilst they're at school and I'm at work.

And since the gloves are clearly off on this thread, I wonder how many SAHM hours with the DC are spent 'nurturing' and how many are spent fannying about painting your nails whilst the DC are plonked in front of CBeebies?

To answer OP, yanbu. But think women often feel guilty about their choice (either way) hence their justification. And as for smug? I think it's naive- better to be able to continue own career ideally.

If someone says they are lucky not to work those of us who find work is better than being at home could ask what it was about their work they did not like

I have had two careers and enjoyed them both and been successful. However I am inherently lazy and therefore a lifestyle that enables me to socialise and potter about is always going to appeal.

Children seeing that mothers earn and succeed rather than clean and mind house whilst being kept by men "
I have worked and there was a time when I supported DH. I guess my two youngest might not see me work outside of the home, however I have investments and have started my own businesses. I do voluntary work, I run a small farm - they see me work just it is not always paid. They will see me lead a rich and fulfilling life, very much at the heart of my community- I am not sure why that is worth less than my previous incarnation of working 15 hours a day and having less time for other things that I wanted to do.

. There is no moral high ground in being home. I completely agree.
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