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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:

NickyEds · 16/02/2015 20:55

SAHM is rarely for the benefit of the DC its usually for the benefit of the DH.

Controversial.....and rubbish! SAHMs are not just a bunch of idiot saps who hated their jobs so gave them up at the first opportunity in order to languish in drudgery at home in order to keep their husbands happy and housework free!

Children don't get cast out onto the streets if you WOH.

Lierally no one ever really thinks this.

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 20:57

Fair enough Bambambini

Don't be sad for me Christina I have had real choice as my DH cares enough about me to know that my needs are important too.

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 20:59

I find it really odd to look at a marriage and assume it is going to fail.

I have no idea what the statistics say officially but I hardly know anyone who is separated from the father of their children. Even when I look around the kids at school with my dd, in a class of 30 there are only two who don't live with both parents. Is it really inevitable that most marriages will fail?

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 21:00

Hill

My dh is usually at home anyway, so doesn't have to come home iyswim. He works all sorts of wonderful hours.
If I was to become a single parent, as it can happen to anybody I have my own property and income, it isn't from paid work though.

But please don't kid yourself that it is much better for a wohm who becomes a sp, I have seen many who have had a significant drop in lifestyle, because they relied on dh to pay half if not most of the bills.
They have to move houses, possibly up root children the same as a sahm.

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 21:01

I didn't say they were idiot saps !
They are women who despite what they say have no choice " my DH works long hours" My DH works abroad"
My DH has to go away for weeks at a time"
Wheres the choice ?

Hillingdon · 16/02/2015 21:03

The divorce rate is nearly 50% and people who live together - it's higher!

Christinayang1 · 16/02/2015 21:06

Your argument doesn't make sense, the choice isn't based on what the husband does but whether you want to give up work for a while and look after your Dcs

What is it you don't understand? You seem determined to make it about the husbands...or is it that you were never afforded any choice

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 21:07

Rita

Where isn't there choice?
What does it matter where the dh works?
If you want to be a sahm then you will be, if you want to work you will do.
There are nannies, cm and lots of variables of childcare.
I had a choice to continue in the same industry as dh, it would have meant a nanny as unsociable hours, we could afford it.
It wasn't what I wanted and dh supported me in this decision because the whole family gained from it, including him.
I don't see why you insist that a sahm is somehow forced into it and that her dh doesn't participate in family life. Thats a bit weird.

NickyEds · 16/02/2015 21:08

How old is your dd treacle? You may find that % goes up as she gets older. My sister's ten years older than me and, just as you have a spate of weddings in your mid/late twenties, in her group there's a similar "spate" of separations in their mid-late forties. That said, of course you shouldn't assume a marriage in particular will fail.

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 21:11

Having been on MN for a number of years now, I've seen many such threads as this come and go. I expect that most of the posters on here are the same as they've always been, with a few name changes, give or take a few. I recognise the posting style of many on here, despite name changes. One thing that does jump out at me, is that there are a number of posters who are quite happy to be blatantly rude about SAHPs, saying some pretty offensive stuff (Jilly springs immediately to mind). However, the SAHPs, in general, don't make such overtly rude comments. Why the need to be so rude to SAHPs. I sometimes feel that we are seen by some on here as some kind of cattle class or something. I think from now on, I'm just going to tell people I'm self-employed if they ask. It's just easier and far less controversial.

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 21:14

Christina I had real choice.
A DH who negotiated his working hours and so did I that I could continue my career without either of using childcare.
We supported each other.

Im sure their are some SAHM who give up work on having DC whatever but time and time again I hear that women have no choice because their DH is such a high flyer who is away/works long hours etc
There is a thread on here about SAHM - a sort of support thread.( cant find it)
It was heart breaking - women who on one thread did the whole SAH best for my DC thing and admitted on the other they felt completely shafted and utterly miserable at their lack of choice.
That might or might not be you.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 21:15

Ihate

I am a company director and secretary. I don't do much except tell dh what I think he should do and sign a few papers here and there.

Sounds better than sahm, I think I'll join you

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 21:15

My dd is almost 9. But I'm very late 30s and as of yet, don't know anyone from my circle of friends and acquaintances who is divorced. I have a huge family, mostly in their late 40s and older, and only one family member is divorced, and it was a surprise to no one. I know divorce happens, I know what the statistics say, but it's not what I see around me, be it friends, family or colleagues. I always thought that the statistics were a bit skewed anyway by the fact that some people marry more than once, so whilst a certain percentage of marriages may break down, it doesn't mean that the same percentage of individuals will one day be divorced, iykwim?

Christinayang1 · 16/02/2015 21:15

So now you are saying that if you are a sahm your husband doesn't really care and that these women don't have real choice?????

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 21:16

Goshmorethan if only it were that simple .

Christinayang1 · 16/02/2015 21:17

I'm not a sahm......

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 21:18

And, to be clear, I am not in any way saying 'oh, it couldn't possibly happen to me'. I mean, I hope it doesn't, but who knows what is around the corner? I was just mulling it over really, that realistically I don't expect to see 50% of mothers of my acquaintance, sahm or wohm, to find themselves separated.

whattheseithakasmean · 16/02/2015 21:18

I do notice how many women on mumsnet 'had' to give up their job due to DH's long hours/out of the country etc. So the career sacrifice is plainly for the DH's sake, so they never have to compromise their career as a result of having children.

Then there is no point going back to work 'as I earn so much less than DH' due to said career sacrifice, when DH forged ahead, never having to leave work to pick up a child following an accident.... And so the gender pay gap continues.....

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 21:18

Rita

Should I be doing more?
There's not really much more for me to do tbh.

Maybe if I did more though I would need paying and the responsibility.
nah...

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2015 21:23

ihate

Honestly no one has ever made any comments about me being a SAHM

A few have made comments along the lines of their inability to be a SAHM but that's them just talking about themselves

Trouble is on Internet forums there is a mix of people just talking about how they feel and not meaning anything rude...and some goady twats who are insecure about their life choices

And it can be really difficult to tell the difference in a basic post...if you were sat having a chat it would be much easier

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 21:27

I think the thing with the 'long hours', 'working away', 'trips abroad', etc is not the reason SAHPs initially SAH. That happens much later in many cases. When a couple make the decision to decide that one of them will SAH, it 'frees up' the other partner in the relationship to take on more responsibility in the workplace (only if they want to, obviously). It is then that the working parent works longer hours, goes abroad, etc, as they know that they have the support at home, which was previously agreed by both partners.

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 21:30

You're right Rufus. Good job everyone isn't so rude in real life!

As for dh running off with another woman. I know it does happen, but seriously, I am far more worried about him dying than leaving me for another woman!

Bambambini · 16/02/2015 21:35

Nah, financially it would be better for me for the husband to die than go off with another women. He better watch his step. I always tell him that he has to sleep sometime!

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 21:37

Oh yes, I'd forgotten about the death in service benefits package Bambambini!

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2015 21:37

bam

If he did run away with another woman he wouldn't get far....3ft under the patio!!

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