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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 16/02/2015 18:39

At least she acknowledged it as luck and not some sort of superior skill

Momagain1 · 16/02/2015 18:42

*if someone says to me "I'm lucky enough not to have to work" I feel that they are implicitly saying to me that I have made the wrong choice.

Of course what they may mean is "I am lucky enough to have the choice to work or not". But if that's what you mean, then say that! That's what I would say.*

I feel saying it your way implies I dont think they had a choice to make and I am judging them for a whole series of choices including what exams they took, education they chose, and choice of spouse not yo mention their foolish decision to procreate without having made the choices necessary to allow one or the other to stay home.

Why can't you (and others) accept someone's statement about their own situation at face value?

andsmile · 16/02/2015 18:43

Oh dear Jilly.....I want to ask, do you have a seret closet full of frilly Cath Kidson aprons and whatnots?

yetanotherchangename · 16/02/2015 19:10

It is fortunate to be able to have the choice and to not have that decision taken out of your hands by a financial imperative. How can it not be?

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 19:44

Unless that would never be your choice yet
I don't need to work but it is essentially part of my bones that I go out into the world and do something useful for other people in society.
Its what I believe inSmile

NickyEds · 16/02/2015 19:47

Oh dear Jilly It was me who assumed you were being sarcastic when you said that SAH "damages" children. Let that be a lesson to me about giving someone the benefit of the doubt on AIBU!!!

I'd love to read your evidence for this.

Also, your assumption that if a parent has chosen to SAH it's because they don't find their job interesting or haven't found something that they want to do. I loved my job and found it really interesting. I'm choosing to give it up for the time being to SAH with my kids whilst they're little. We, like most people I think, weighed up the pro's and cons, looked into our finances and decided what was best for us. Others make a different choice, most of my mates have gone back to work, again it's for various reasons. The lucky part is the choice. I don't really think that SAHM believe themselves to be morally superior . The fact that you make such sweeping generalisations about such a large group of women says far more about you than them.

ZenNudist · 16/02/2015 19:57

If depends how the comment is said. Is it patronising like 'literally poor you having to work'? Also are they living the life of Riley in a big house, flash cars, flash holidays, nice stuff, private school? There's still every chance they could be mortgaged to the hilt and sticking it on credit card.

Yeah I don't need to work financially dh could support us. Not in grand style but we could carry on as we are but not pay off out mortgage by the time we are 40.

It's just I want to keep my career and I get a good salary. In a few years after dc go to school I'd still want to work and would be sad to go back to a shittier job than I've got now. I don't think id be able to get back into my career so have to start again. And I don't want to do a crappy job for the rest of my life. I want to do my well paid, complex consulting job that has a bit of status and a chances at responsibility and being a real expert in my field.

I still let people who work less hours than me make me feel bad. I don't meet any real yummy mummy sahm types. Different worlds I guess. So they don't wind me up. I only know practical normal sahms who don't feel the need to bang on about how well they raise their dc. Grin

bigbluestars · 16/02/2015 20:04

"
I don't need to work but it is essentially part of my bones that I go out into the world and do something useful for other people in society."

There are many ways of doing that without working.

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 20:08

Oh jilly was serious after all?

In that case, I have a question. Me being a sahm isn't really my dream state of affairs, but it is the reality that for our family it is best. If I went back to work, we might have a little bit more money each month (not much though, once we'd paid for childcare) but my children would have to give up the sports clubs and music lessons that they love because we would have no way of getting them to them, since I'd be at work. We don't live in an area where we could just say 'oh we'll join a club that has more convenient times' because there isn't a choice of clubs to join. We also don't have any private schools in our area except ones of a very extreme religious nature, so school fees are irrelevant as there is nothing I could do to buy my children an education. So how exactly would they benefit from me going to work, since it would actually prevent them from taking part in activities that make their lives more enjoyable?

bigbluestars · 16/02/2015 20:11

Ignore jilly- she is a wind up merchant. Probably having a boring day at the office.

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 20:23

Im going to say something really controversial here.
SAHM is rarely for the benefit of the DC its usually for the benefit of the DH.
Children don't get cast out onto the streets if you WOH.
Most SAHM do it because their DH isnt willing to participate.
That's the key if you have a like minded DH/DP then its great.
They cant be bothered " Oh Im lucky I get to SAH "
Every time Grin

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 20:25

Thread implodes !

treaclesoda · 16/02/2015 20:28

Rita I know you said most and not all, but I feel I need to jump to the defence of my dh! He left the decision as to whether or not to work full time, part time, or to be a sahm entirely up to me, and the minute he walks in the door in the evening he takes his share of responsibility for childcare and housework. I have several friends who are sahms and none of them have husbands who expected them to stay at home, or whose husbands don't pull their weight about the house. The feckless husbands I read about on mumsnet are not something I see in real life.

Christinayang1 · 16/02/2015 20:28

Eh no, not every time. My Dh works away so makes no difference to his daily life, my decision to be a SAHM for a while was for benefit of ds

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 20:34

"makes no difference to his daily life"
Yep my point exactlySad

bigbluestars · 16/02/2015 20:35

rita- sorry but that is bollocks. I became a SAHM for my children. It suited the way I chose to parent.
My OH is far from hapless.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2015 20:38

I became a stay at home parent because it suited me, I have worked hare in the past and wanted time to do as little as possible.

Both my children and my husband benefit and it would be daft to pretend otherwise.

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 20:38

Maybe you did blue but there are endless threads on here where women
state they SAH because their DH works away/works long hours etc.
Its not really a choice is it.
It turns into Its best for the DC but really its best for the DH.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 20:39

Rita

Grin thread implodes.

I'm sure that type of character exists too, but wouldn't think it was anything but a minority.

Personally, being a sahm was for the benefit of the whole family, dh included.
He participates and has done with all aspects of family life and does more than his fair share of domestic chores.

He sees me as his equal and appreciates without me being a sahm it wouldn't be so easy for him to have the choices he has within his career.
Childcare is expensive and we have saved our family a fortune, it works great for us.

I think problems arise if one of the partnership aren't happy, or not supported in their personal choice.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2015 20:39

rita

I think probably "some" would be a better phrase to use Grin

As otherwise you will get a whole load of women saying "not my husband"

So I will join in with the others who have said that so far Smile

"Not my husband"

RitaOrange · 16/02/2015 20:42

yeah right morethan Wink

Bambambini · 16/02/2015 20:46

Rita, there is some truth in what you say. Me being at home makes my husband's life much, much easier - as me not going out to work makes my life much, much easier. I don't relish working and then doing the lion share of childcare and housework, shopping, etc.

I'm sure there are couples who successfully share the house stuff and childcare but I see many of my friends who work and still seem to do most of everything else. It looks exhausting and me and the husband both enjoy having a relatively easy life.

Christinayang1 · 16/02/2015 20:48

It makes no difference as he is not in bloody country so I am unclear as to why that proves your point

It's a shame that you think women only make choices to suit their husbands...how sad for you

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 20:52

Rita

I can't speak for others but i love being a sahm. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please.
My dh is at home a lot, but is lucky that because I am here he can jump on a plane with very little notice and do what he loves doing.
In return he is a loving husband and father, usually here and my best friend Grin
We have been together for 26 years now and would do anything for each other.
He enjoys supporting us financially because he gets to do what he likes rather than having to do a job he hates.
It's a partnership and we both get out of it what we want.
The dc have always had me to take them to activities of their choice at whatever time they may be. I am able to escort dd all over the country for her performances and H.ed so she can work towards her own goals.
It isn't a choice others would make, nor do I think it makes us better parents, we just appreciate the freedom of choice it has given us all.

Hillingdon · 16/02/2015 20:53

I really think some some have their heads in the sands, their DH come home and do equal childcare and house duties, they claim that they are a partnership, until of course 50% of them find themselves single Mums, never will happen to them though....