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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 16/02/2015 13:41

Living like "leeches".

My OH was as keen as I was to have our children at home with me, not in day care. My OH was only able to work the long hours he did because of me.
Hardly a leech.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 13:48

Jilly

I think my family would argue about it being worse for everyone.
They realise though how much they have benefitted from having a sahp, especially dd who would have had to have attended school during the past 3 years instead of following her dream.
So worse, for everyone would have been me selfishly going out to work.

Not that I suggest this would be the case for others who do work.
We make our own decisions in life to suit our families, not other peoples families.

andsmile · 16/02/2015 14:31

On the subject of leeching...well couched in different terms on other threads it would be a case of all the money should go in one pot and be shared. This is the case in our house, it's irrelevant how much you put in...I happend to put in nothing at the moments.

But I do leech from the pot - I study with OU (terrible role model that I am )

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 15:04

Right, so I've just been out with a friend today and our dc. We had a nice morning with the dc and had a nice chat together. However, it didn't take long for her to say "So, what are you going to do with yourself in September when little ihategeorgeosborne goes to school?" I immediately thought of this thread and gave a little laugh to myself. I replied that I don't know yet and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I felt very uncomfortable and there was a tense silence between us for a bit. I got the feeling that I was supposed to say that I have some work lined up and I will be doing what she does, as that is what I am supposed to do Hmm

Thumbwitch · 16/02/2015 15:14

I'd really like for JillyR to validate her bollocks statements (I knew she wasn't being sarcastic before) with some hard evidence. Bet she can't.

JillyR2015 · 16/02/2015 15:22

I don't think it would help or make most people feel any better so I won't. Amongst many reasons children benefit when women work in good careers include ability to pay school fees, example, children seeing that mothers earn and succeed rather than clean and mind house whilst being kept by men. What is the point in my going on as I just upset the very close to the surface feelings of many a stay at home mother? Just disagree with me and get on with your lives but don't suggest anyone is lucky if a mother stays home - the family is very unfortunate indeed that that is the case for a whole raft of good reasons. That is why the point is relevant to the thread.

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 15:27

Amongst many reasons children benefit when women work in good careers include ability to pay school fees.

Cos that's what we all aspire to, right???? Hmm Hmm

Thumbwitch · 16/02/2015 15:27

And more opinion stated as bollocks "fact" Hmm

bigbluestars · 16/02/2015 15:30

Is a private school a good thing?

Not everyone shares your values jilly. JK Rowling sends her kids to a local state school.

I prefer to bring up my children to value themselves and others as people rather than income generating units.

My family is lucky that I was able to stay at home with my LOs.

TarkaTheOtter · 16/02/2015 15:36

There are both benefits and disadvantages to both situations Jilly. You seem to just be considering the negatives. You don't think there are any advantages to having a parent at home? Even when children are little? Should both parents go back to work at 2 weeks then?

I'm a SAHM and you're not upsetting me (although I'm not convinced you are making any effort to spare my feelings).

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 15:43

My dd had an accident at school on Friday and I had a phone call to collect her at 11am. As I am a SAHM, I was able to do that. Dh was working a 5 hour train journey away. If I'd been at work, she'd have sat outside the school office crying all day. Would that be fair on her or the school? This is in reply to the mis-guided, sanctimonious Jilly, who seems to only relate to cheap point scoring tactics Hmm

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/02/2015 15:51

If every parent didn't work just in case they had to go to school after an accident we wouldn't have many people paying tax Hmm

Those that work just leave work and fetch their child. I doubt people leave a child crying for hours outside an office just because they dare be in employment.

It's unlikely both parents are five hours away. There are usually at least two emergency contacts as well and the school would act accordingly if they can't get hold of anybody.

Manic3mum · 16/02/2015 15:52

I'm on maternity leave at the moment (the unpaid rubbish bit at the end!)and hating having to rely on DH for all bills/groceries/luxuries etc
We could survive on DH salary indefinitely, but wouldn't have any luxuries, holidays, nice clothes. That point aside, I love my job and can't wait to get back to it, for my own sanity! I like being me and not Mummy for 4 days a week! Btw - I can still leave work and go collect my children if one of them had an accident - I don't think that privilege is only available to SAHMs.

ihategeorgeosborne · 16/02/2015 15:57

I could easily have been working 5 hours away SnowWhite. That was my job. I was a Consultant for large organisations in a certain sector. Funnily enough, it's one of the reasons I became a SAHM, as we both couldn't be 5 hours away. Neither of us have any family living anywhere near us. We are totally reliant on each other and the good will of friends which I would not be happy to constantly take advantage of. Anyway, my post was apropos of Jilly's rather offensive previous post, which I'm sure you have probably read.

nellieellie · 16/02/2015 16:00

I am a SAHM. It's a choice I made, with my partner. I am lucky to have the choice, is how I see it. I could have chosen to work, as some of my friends have, or I could have been in the position of having no choice, other than to work, as some of my friends have.
There are benefits to children in having a SAHM, or SAHD. There are benefits to children in having 2working parents, or one working single parent, and it is good for both girls and boys to see that women and men work, and that women can do whatever jobs men do and vice versa.
I find it totally depressing when either a SAHM, or a working mum chooses to condemn the other. We make our own decisions about how to bring up our children, and it is not about right and wrong, but about what works for us and our families.

Gunpowder · 16/02/2015 16:01

FFS who cares whether you work or stay at home as long as your kids are fed and clothed and have a roof over their heads?

Women, especially mums, have enough shit to deal with without judging each other over childcare and working choices. We're all doing what's best for ourselves and our families.

JillyR2015 · 16/02/2015 16:16

I am not saying people have to agree with me but don't assume it is "lucky" or nice for children or families or better if a mother is home. The opposite case can be made. There is no moral high ground in being home. Stay home because it's easier or you would never earn more than a nanny or childminder would cost or because you cannot be bothered to work but don't do it because you think it's better for children. It often isn't.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 16/02/2015 16:18

I think I've said similar. I just mean that I feel lucky to be able to choose, as some mums have to return to work even when they'd rather be at home.

I guess I'll have to add it to the list of ways I have offended people without realising. MN has been invaluable in helping me to compile this list Grin

bigbluestars · 16/02/2015 16:18

Of course it can be better for children- what a stupid thing to say.

squizita · 16/02/2015 16:24

Nellieellie well said.

andsmile · 16/02/2015 16:44

I think a child would be preferred to be picked up by their own parent than someone else. But I don't think it does them any harm either way.

I dont understand how families of SAHP are unfortunate as mentioned a little up thread.

There is no right choice ^only* your choice

morethanpotatoprints · 16/02/2015 17:38

Jilly

You don't really have an argument do you?
There are plenty families who have a sanp who can afford school fees, myself included.
I have 2 grown up children already who have seen me doing lots of constructive things with my time, just not paid work.
They have grown up helping in the family business and also doing their fair share of domestics. Personally as they are male I thought it important for them to be some use to future partners, not to think it is their responsibility for the domestic chores. They helped with dd when she was a baby so are well equipped when they have their own dc.
I still don't see as you have an argument as to your statement that a sahp is harming their children.

Momagain1 · 16/02/2015 17:45

Not smug.

I didnt marry a guy with money, and being here at home was a combination of hard work, timing, and luck. If you were having this conversation with me, I would not be smug, I would be telling you how I truly feel.

MrsThor · 16/02/2015 17:54

Jilly

My , My, why so angry, perhaps you are needing some time at home to clean the floors

Of course then your family would be very unfortunate indeed....for a number of reasons

Momagain1 · 16/02/2015 18:08

I hardly think saying one feels lucky to have the ability to stay at home is claiming the moral high ground, Jilly. It is a simple expression of experience and opinion.

You seem awfully determined to be right in your declaration of others life and experiences being wrong and inadequate.