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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
Lovemycatsandkids · 15/02/2015 22:52

Are not ate! Grin

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 22:57

I had a woman at playgroup the other day ask me how much work I was doing at the moment, as if it were a given that I was working. She had the cheek to look pityingly at me when I said I didn't have a paying job at all at the moment.

I am happy with my choice here, and tbh my brain doesn't rot, it still works just as well as it used to, thanks. I don't see why "not working" = "brain dying" - load of bollox!

And I would love to know what sort of "damage" I inflict on my poor DC by being here for them until they go to school - I'd like to think that was sarcastic but I strongly suspect it wasn't! Hmm

differentnameforthis · 16/02/2015 01:37

If your friend can't afford to stay at home then don't bleat on about the fact that you can.

TBF, no one is bleating about it. Stating that you feel lucky, during a conversation isn't bleating!

Alternative being - I'm not fucking thick and I recognise that life is filled with real women doing their best... And I try not to be a cunt. Grin

They are probably damaging their children by not working. Each to their own. How insulting...my children are categorically not damaged! What a rude thing to imply. But this is who it goes, isn't it...no one has implied that a WOHM is damaging her children by not being at home, yet people like you feel it is necessary to throw this insult at those who stay at home. IMO, this is far worse than a SAHM stating that she is lucky to be at home.

I suspect most children do better when their mother is not an astonishingly shortsighted twat. YY!

differentnameforthis · 16/02/2015 01:38

Perhaps we should all consider ourselves lucky that we have this choice in the first place & celebrate that, rather than throw insults at those who choose a different path to us?

bellabelly · 16/02/2015 01:55

I am losing money by working at the moment. The cost of nursery for my twins is more than my (part-time) wage brings in. So yep, I don't NEED to work - financially. I don't think that sounds smug, does it? I'd love to be earning more than I have to pay in childcare costs but until the twins are at school, I just have to suck it up.

Shonajay · 16/02/2015 02:35

I work part-time due to having had cancer, just two days a week. A colleague once asked how I managed which I thought was a bit rude, but I did say I was very fortunate to be able to afford to work part time. My husband actually encourages my small amount of hours, it keeps me sociable, I love it, and I have lots of frinds at work.

I'd never mean it in a smug way, I just realise that there are so many people doing either two jobs or really struggling, and that I'm incredibly lucky.

MistressDeeCee · 16/02/2015 03:38

Its a smug stealth boast OP, whatever else its dressed up as. But, this ish happens, what can you do but ignore/cringe. I wouldn't give it any further thought

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 16/02/2015 04:50

Well, in my case it is bloody fortunate that my partner earns enough to cover the bills, since my agoraphobia means I'm unable to work (can just about get to the local school to take my eldest in) because we'd be up the creek without q meqns of propulsion

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 16/02/2015 04:53

ahem ...without a means of propulsion if he didn't. There's not much money but there is love and I think that as long as there is enough to cover essentials and a lot of love then regardless of whether parents both work or not the family unit is doing ok.

NotLoveActually · 16/02/2015 05:25

I may have been guilty of uttering this phrase, but it's more that I feel somehow I need to justify being a SAHM, because my dc are of nursery and primary school age. I kind of feel that I should be back at work now, and I do have a (very) part time job, just to get me out the house one day a week. If I were to go back to work in my previous sector, it would be impossible to go part time, and indeed would be lucky to get home for dc bed times.

purpleapple1234 · 16/02/2015 06:13

The phrase in the OP seems to be an acceptable thing to think and say if you are in that position. But if you're not and having to struggle with time and money it is smug. There are two ends to this spectrum.

As someone who has to get up ridiculously early, suffer a long long commute, annoying colleagues, shit management and a job that is only bearable all over 12 hours a day 5 days a week, I am very much in the second camp. I wouldn't dream of being rude about someone's choice to stay at home with their child and would hope for the same sensitivity back (unless you want to see me cry). There is a lot of defensiveness on this topic. I don't blame other mothers for my position. I blame me and hate it.

Lovemycatsandkids · 16/02/2015 06:51

Sounds tough purpleapple Flowers

WanderingTrolley1 · 16/02/2015 06:59

I think you're being a tad oversensitive, Terra.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/02/2015 07:12

Tell them that you don't have to work financially but you do because you enjoy it, etc. Grin

Taz1212 · 16/02/2015 07:38

People get incredibly nosy and I wish they wouldn't. I don't work and we have one child (and shortly another) at private school. We live in an area that is not well off at all and I've had mothers in DD's playground (the local school) come over and ask me flat out how we can afford it. It's none of their bloody business! I can't believe how rude some people are sometimes. If a friend were to ask me out of sheer curiousness I'd tell them, but it's been people I barely know and they can get pretty hostile.

Nolim · 16/02/2015 07:54

beaver i have said to other mums that i look forward to go back to work because i enjoy it and they look at me like i am crazy and then say how they cannot even imagine leaving their dc with a stranger and how important it is for kids to have a sahp and that family is more important than work.

We really cannot win.

SandInMySandwiches · 16/02/2015 08:08

Just reply with, 'well, I enjoy the socialising and mental stimulation'.

Misfitless · 16/02/2015 08:10

I've been in the situation (before I went back to work two years ago, when DC4 was 3yrs old) that I've been told by someone how lucky I am that I don't have to go to work, and that I should be grateful that DH can afford for me not to! Confused

I agree, and acknowledged it, but also felt a bit Shock and even a little Angry.

If I'd had a fantastic career/well paid job before DCs, and my salary had played a big part in our getting a mortgage, I would have gone back to work, and probably wouldn't have had a choice.

The fact is, I didn't have a good enough job to begin with Smile that would justify me going back to work and paying for childcare Wink. Quite the opposite of what the person thought, iyswim. That's the only reason I had to was able to stay at home.

Yes I've been lucky, that DH's salary could support me and our 4DCs. Other people I know have gone back part time and have have had their parents/pil look after the children for them. Maybe if my DC's grandparents had been knocking down my door, prepared to put in the hours that other peoples' are, I'd have been able to work PT sooner. There have been plenty of times that I would have liked to be in that position, and have the disposable income that they have.

Similarly, people who I know, whose parents rock up at 7am so that they can go to work, and are there to look after them, cook everyone's tea, and hold the fort till mum/dad come home at 5:00/6:00pm, might have had to be SAHP, as they might not have been able to afford to go to work otherwise.

Having said all that, I am grateful that I was able to be at home, but also a bit Envy that it wasn't a choice, and I'd have loved to have worked part time sooner. I would hate to be in the position where I had to work FT, I'm not cut out for that at all.

Misfitless · 16/02/2015 08:20

Just read my post back and realised that this sounds really smug...

I would hate to be in the position where I had to work FT, I'm not cut out for that at all..

Sorry! I know I'm lucky, but the point is, I couldn't work FT even if I wanted to - as we couldn't afford the wrap around care. I'm happy with my lot, though!

Flowers for all those who want to work more but can't afford to, and for all those who want to work less but can't afford to.

For all those who have it the way they want it, good for you! And Flowers for you, too. Smile

Nolim · 16/02/2015 08:25

sand i guess i can reply that (which is 100% true) but it would be smug imo. It would be like braging that i can afford to have adult conversations.

NakedFamilyFightClub · 16/02/2015 08:30

YABU and oversensitive. Also, the fifties called and they want their attitude back. I don't need a man for money thank you, I have my own.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 16/02/2015 08:52

Just reading some of the posts back regarding recieving tax credits ect.. instead of returning back to work. The benefits that are paid out are a drop in the ocean to the amount of tax that's avoided by the politicians and the super companies. Billions that could be invested in our NHS,police,schools.

mimishimmi · 16/02/2015 08:54

I've never ever met anyone who has said that.

Cobain · 16/02/2015 08:58

My BIL has just retired at 50 because he can afford to, I have not heard a nasty remark and certainly no bragging or smugness comments. Then he is a man and all he gets is comments on how they wish they could do the same. Certainly no comments on how boring it is going to be for him. He now looks after his grandchildren two days a week to make up for the time he missed with his own children. Myself and DP have swapped staying at home, he never once had to justify being a SAHP whereas for me any new item or luxury would be met with "how can you afford that" or worse the " lucky".

MrsThor · 16/02/2015 09:07

ffs isn't it difficult enough to be a woman in todays world without us ripping each other apart?

I haven't worked since my dd was born, my choice, my money was able to fund this but my husbands earnings could have also supported it.....however we have never viewed money as his or mine but as ours.

Some of my friends work full time, mostly out of necessity and instead of berating them for this I support the,I have the time to pick up their kids when they are struggling.

What the fuck is wrong with people, can you not just be happy with your choices and respect other peoples ????