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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a friend to stop speaking her own language?

434 replies

jujujbel · 13/02/2015 12:23

I have a very dear friend who is from another country but has lived in the UK for 20 years. Her DC are bilingual. Often, when we are together, she will break off the conversation to speak to her DC in her own language. This makes me uncomfortable and I find it rude but I have never mentioned it. However, a few days ago my DD came home from spending the day with my friends DD (they spend a lot of time together). She talked about how she hated it when they talked in a different language in front of her as it made her feel excluded. I explained that i had felt the same way and that it was actually considered bad manners to do this. I told my DD that if she felt uncomfortable she should say to her friend in as nice a way as possible and that I would do similar with the mum. The very next day, my DD did do this when the situation arose again and explained how it made her feel. She came home quite upset as she had argued with her friend about it.

We were all meeting up later anyway. When we got together my friend immediately said to me 'have you hear detox?' She then went to say, I'll speak to your dd to explain that I'm not talking about her it's just how we speak. I then said that I agreed with my DD and it made us both uncomfortable. My friend was shocked that I found her rude. I explained that it was only in the context where we are all having a conversation in English and they then break away to speak in a different language. Although I know they are not saying anything bad about us it is a horrible feeling and I don't understand why they feel the new to do it. I compared it to whispering. I have been very clear that it is only in the context of a group conversation being started in a shared language and then being continued in a language that not all of the group can understand.

My friend has now told me she will not speak her own language in front of my DD but that she will distance herself from us. She feels I am the inconsiderate one and that I am discriminating against her.

I am so hurt and confused. I guess I am just looking for a bit of MN perspective.

Sorry for the essay.

Thank

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 15:55

i cannot do a little grin fight but I would....
yes many people round here do not learn English til they go to school, and their first language is Welsh.

FightOrFlight · 13/02/2015 15:55

imagine if your mum or dad started speaking to you in a fake scottish/French/Yorkshire accent

Grin I am SO going to do this from now on!

Newrule · 13/02/2015 15:56

Sunny, I would not be surprised if I speak English better than you. Many foreigners speak English far better than nstive speakers - the 'would of' and 'could of' brigade.

Your assertion that most British people where you live are bilingual can only be true if most have non-British backgrounds. They would not have been able to maintain their heritage had they succumb to the pressure to not speak anything but English.

UncleT · 13/02/2015 15:56

Actually you are being unreasonable and inconsiderate. It's natural to want to speak your own language sometimes at home, and it doesn't sound like it's all the time. I didn't always understand what my best friend would discuss with his mother, but it was fine, was interesting and actually encouraged me to take an interest in their language and culture.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 15:57

yes but you do not have any link for those factoids grockle.
I know the UK does lag behind in language skills, but then do does Spain?

FightOrFlight · 13/02/2015 15:57

Sunny

Even when we speak English the fuckers don't understand us Sad The amount of times I had to explain what daps are when I first moved to England < sigh >

Want2bSupermum · 13/02/2015 15:57

It is very rude. DC are bilingual and the rule in the house is that you speak the language of the majority and make sure no one is left out. DS isn't speaking yet but Dd will go between the two languages and translate for the non Danish speakers and vise versa.

I've had people at work do the same and it is incredibly rude. We might work in a global company but you speak the language of the room. Leave the room if you want to coverse in your own language.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 15:59

"Sunny, I would not be surprised if I speak English better than you"
I would be very. very surprised newrule. IN fact that would not even be possible would it? Which you would know if you had ever studied SLA.

darlingfascistbullyboy · 13/02/2015 15:59

YABU & verging on the classic Little Englander.

I'm a monoglot Brit who isn't even vaguely offended or uncomfortable in this situation.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 16:00

in fact newrule judging from your writing and attitudes I could even hazard a guess where you are from. LOL.

grocklebox · 13/02/2015 16:00

Isn't the number of welsh speakers falling year on year? According to the last few censuses that is, anyway. And less than 20% of wales-dwellers speak the language. So not a majority as I would see it.

grocklebox · 13/02/2015 16:01

I do actually have links for all those facts, but this is not an exam and I doubt you'd read them anyway. You are being very rude to anyone you disagree with.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 16:02

across the country you are probably right grockle, but in my particular area the figure is much higher. However as you say it is different in the more densely populated south.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 16:03

grockle i really do not mean to be rude. Perhaps I am just typing too fast. at least i am not suggesting that people are mental like some posters eh?

SirChenjin · 13/02/2015 16:04

Dd will go between the two languages and translate for the non Danish speakers and vise versa

My furrin friends do this - definitely the best way imo (although I know that Terry has found this still causes problems - sadly there is just no pleasing some people, I think, regardless of what you try and do for them)

TheHomicidalPowerOfaTypo · 13/02/2015 16:06

I've just been to a friend's house where the conversation was totally in French, at one point I spoke to my children in English to give them an instruction. I asked my friend (who I've only known for a year and socialised with since Christmas) if that was a problem. Her response was, why would you speak a foreign language to your children when you're all English?

I was at another friend's house on Tuesday. She is Polish but lives in France so our common language is french. But when we speak to our children we both revert back to our own language. When we speak to them about something where the other needs to hear the answer we speak in French. No one feels left out.

grocklebox · 13/02/2015 16:08

I ignore posts like that.
Out of interest, what does the Little Englander thing mean? I googled but it didn't make a lot of sense.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 16:11

yes you are probably right, grockle.!
Little Englander? I guess I just meant someone who expects everyone around them to speak English even if they are up the Congo, lol.
Alot of English are v dismissive of the Welsh language for example.
I am sure you are not like this, I think my comment was not even directed at you!! too fast typing again!

FromSeaToShining · 13/02/2015 16:12

YABVU, I'm afraid. It is a huge commitment to raise a child bilingually, especially if one lives in an overwhelmingly English-speaking country and the second language is not a "high status" language. Often children will reject the minority language and respond to their parents in English. Sometimes at that point the parents will give up and begin speaking English to the children, which is a terrible shame IMO. Your friend is obviously doing something very right if her children are confident about speaking their other language to their mother. Code switching is entirely natural for people who are truly bilingual.

We are a bilingual family, and it does feel odd to speak English when we are used to conversing in our other language. Obviously, there are many occasions when we do speak English out of necessity, and we always translate for friends when necessary. Raising children who are genuinely bilingual requires a lot of effort, and having supportive friends can be such a help. I can understand why your friend was hurt and upset.

OttiliaVonBCup · 13/02/2015 16:15

Many foreigners speak English far better than nstive speakers - the 'would of' and 'could of' brigade.

Nice.
You are on a roll, New.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 13/02/2015 16:16

I don't think YABU OP - maybe the way it was brought up wasn't ideal but I have been that bewildered child that your DD is, being at a friend's house and standing there like a complete lemon whilst my friend and her mother argued back and forth.

I think the realisation of how awkward it can feel is the reason why I constantly act as interpreter in multi-lingual situations now - because, despite what a lot of people are saying, it feels really rude.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/02/2015 16:17

anyway New even people who say 'would of' and 'could of' still speak better English than anyone who has learnt it as a second language. It is called 'natural English'...:)

LurkingHusband · 13/02/2015 16:18

I had a colleague who was Welsh - sadly retired. After visiting the MiL at her caravan park in Wales, I mentioned it to him, and was gently corrected on pronunciation. I apologised, and apropos of nothing got a 10 minute crash course in Welsh sounds. With extra brownie points, as I already knew about mutations (which was on page 2 of the "teach yourself Welsh" book I had, and about the point I decided to leave it awhile Grin).

Why did I have a "Teach Yourself Welsh" book ? Because many years ago, I went on a cycling holiday, which took in Wales, and didn't want to seem as ignorant as some.

Anyway, that's my approach to foreign languages. And I firmly believe that no learning is ever a waste.

GrouseAndMagpie · 13/02/2015 16:19

I think YABU, but having seen how many people agree with you I now have more sympathy with my parents who have complained in the past about DH speaking his language to DS in their presence.

kelda · 13/02/2015 16:19

Yabu.

I live in Belgium. I speak flemish at work, with my inlaws, at my children's school and with various friends. With my children, I speak english, and only ever english. To speak any other language to them would be unnatural to me and hinder my communication with them.

This has never been a problem for my friends, probably because they understand, appreciate and encourage the ability to speak more then one language, rather then feel threatened by it.

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