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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to talk to my friend to tell her she has hurt me?

131 replies

sweetcheeks2014 · 12/02/2015 00:02

I am new to mn but have lurked for a month and would really appreciate some objective advice. Sorry in advance if I get lingo wrong and for length as trying to give info needed.

I met friend when we were both pregnant at parent craft class. Going to call her Mary here. Our dd's were born 2 months apart with my dd born first. My dh and I worked f/t and stock pilled nappies, stuff on hospital list while peg. Dd was huge so many of the clothes we bought were hardly or not worn and we also had packets of nappies too. Mary always talked about being broke and being grateful for stream of clothes she got from folk 2nd hand. She was also in a poorly paid job. I handed over the nappies to her and also a lot of clothes but I said dh and I wanted another child and so could she keep the clothes in the event I got pregnant again she agreed.

Fast forward a year and I was peg again. After dropping hints about needing to get ready for the baby at 7 months prg I asked her if she could return the clothes. She looked surprised at this but then said of course. However they were not handed over so after a few weeks had passed (having seen each other a few tines and no mention of them) I asked again. She said she was mortified but could not find them. Given she and moved house 3 times in this period I said not to worry these things happen with house moves etc. I did not think about it again and got organised for new arrival. Meantime she also got peg but lost the baby early and complications mean she cannot have more. V sad for her and we spent much time talking about it and I really feel for her.

For most part we get on well though I do find self trying to get off subject of how little money they have as it just goes on for hours. I feel for her but any suggestion etc I make job or savings wise makes no difference. She says she is disappointed ours dds sane size as I can't pass her clothes (I had a ds).

Anyway finally getting to point (thanks for reading so far). Mary knows I only use intranet in work for toys etc and am not on Fb or Gumtree etc. Friend was round last week and I told her I wanted to get 2nd hand balance bike for did so she took me onto this buy swap sell site and I had nosey around. Is a local site and there was a pic of a second hand bundle of clothes with all the clothes I gave her on it and a few more. It is her.

So I told my dh. We think either she did not want to give me the clothes back as she wanted another baby and needed them. Or she did loose them and then found them and decided to sell them. I feel that she should have given or at least offered to GIve me them back as they were on. Loan not given. Dh says to back off slowly from her as she has broken trust And not raise it with her as she will either deny it or turn it into how I am lucky I have more money than her etc. I feel life is short and why make enemies so let things go as much as possible but I don't care about the clothes now I feel she has lied to me and broken trust and I should raise it with her before backing off. What do u think I should do?Thanks

OP posts:
sweetcheeks2014 · 12/02/2015 14:06

thanks for all your replies- answers in no order.

I realise I should have held onto the clothes as I was planning another but when I saw how little she had i felt really sorry for her and expected she would return them- they were mostly unworn and I thought they would come back in reasonable nick.

Mary has 3 children, 2 teen sons to previous relationship and her now 2 DD (with H). I have not experienced a miscarriage so I don't know what it is like to be her but I did try to support her thought this.

I don't find her moaning about money all the time boring but fustrating. Her annoyance is that her H chooses to work 2 days a week and she has not returned to work as she feels she gets paid too little and would prefer to be at home. I have suggested she work and get him to be the SAHP or ask him to earn more or take control of the money but she never does. She thinks that he deep down feels why should be pay for children that are not his and what can I do to help her in this other than say that this will continue until she discusses it with him. He lied about paying rent and they had to move due to arrears and had to move quickly moving to a house that was twitch the kids catchment school so then had to move again. He is awful with money but she does not want to take him on about this and if I am honest I feel that the conversation achieves nothing other than her offloading. When she leaves I am exhausted.

I earn a decent wage (currently on mat leave) but I am far from well off. I have debts i am trying to clear and have to budget and make cuts like many people. It is not the case that i am flashing the cash- far from it.

Anyway thanks for your replies. I decided to let it go and not mention it, move on and agreed with DH and other posters as to what good would discussing it do. I wish I could post on the website but I do not have the balls for that I would either discuss it with her face to face or leave it.

Anyway it is all moot as we had a falling out today. At toddler group today she gave me a kitchen catalogue saying that she is now doing these to get some money and did I want anything from it. I never buy from catalogues for no other reason that if I need something I will go out and get it. I don't really like people coming to my door to sell stuff. Anyway I said I was not interested but she pushed me so I leafed through and said that the stuff looked reasonably priced etc but that I was not needing or wanting anything. She seemed unhappy at this but said nothing further to me but when leaving the toddler group came over to me and said that the bloody least I could do was order something. If she did not make 80 quid before midnight they did not get paid at all. She said surely you want something and could ask my DH for it. I calmly (though I did not feel it) said that I do not want or need anything. That I hope she makes her sales target. She accussed me of not caring for her. I said that I do hope she gets paid but that I do care but am not buying anything from her and I am sorry that money is such a pressure for her. She grabbed her DD away from mine (they were playing) and stormed off.

I am fortunate to have several friends and falling out with Mary will have no affect (not same group) on others. You live and learn eh?!

Thanks again for all the posts (Bar the nasty one).

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/02/2015 14:07

Uh oh. What happened?

Ilikemashpotatoe · 12/02/2015 14:07

If I'm honest I think "loaning" baby clothes is a bit of a stupid thing to do.. BUT yanbu to question your friendship about this. Maybe she didn't realise that they were the clothes that you had given her? If there was a lot and I take it she had clothes not only from you then she may of got confused. I think I would mention something. Maybe along the lines of "I recognise them clothes, is that your post? I'm sure I gave you them" face-to-face. You will know if she is lying. But maybe she has been misunderstood.
I got "loaned" baby clothes by never used them with fear of mixing up with other clothes and forgetting and throwing out etc. I'm a scatter brain, maybe she is too.

Ilikemashpotatoe · 12/02/2015 14:11

Sorry crossed posts..
I think you have outgrown this woman. Maybe it's for the best.

Tiredmumno1 · 12/02/2015 14:35

She accused you of not caring for her Shock

That is the point where she just crossed that line and I wouldn't have been able to let it go then, I would have said something.

She actually sounds extremely ungrateful especially if she is struggling, then any help at all along the way should be much appreciated. I hope she realises she just lost a lovely, thoughtful friend today.

sweetcheeks2014 · 12/02/2015 14:56

ah thanks tired mum

OP posts:
MrsPeterQuill · 12/02/2015 14:58

Tell her to put the money she made from selling your baby clothes towards the £80 she needs if she's that desperate, the cheeky twunt.

Seriously OP, I think you're well rid.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2015 15:16

To be fair to your friend (Mary) she sounds pretty desperate for money re the kitchen catalogue things.... but no need to treat you badly. You behaved really nicely actually saying what you said about money and not dragging the baby clothes into it today which you could easily have done.

In the end she's done you a favour behaving badly as now you don't need an excuse to fall out with her!

BauerTime · 12/02/2015 17:38

You did well there OP. I'd leave her to it and if she ever asks you why you aren't bothering with her any more point out how hurt you were by her not only being so aggressive but saying that you don't care. At that point I think I'd point out that you gave her all that stuff ON LOAN and even when you noticed that she was selling it after she told you she couldn't find it that you were prepared to let it go precisely because you care but you are not responsible for her finances.

KatieKaye · 12/02/2015 17:56

Mary sounds like hard work. Well done for refusing to submit to her pressure. It sounds as if she is on a frame of mind where she believes you owe it to her to buy from her catalogue. That might explain the lies about the baby clothes and the deceit on then selling them.
She does have a hard time, but if both she and her DH refuse to get full time jobs then regardless of her circumstances it is not on to expect you to cough up the cash, whether in buying stuff you don't need ot by her selling stuff you lent her
Somehow I think she will regret this more than you. It doesn't sound as if she gave you much support and the friendship was mainly you listening to her and trying to help her and that can be very wearing and demoralising.

AnnieLobeseder · 12/02/2015 18:21

Wow. She and her DH both refuse to work for no good reason I can see, and now she expects her friends to basically support her by providing baby clothes and buying things from her catalogue? I can't say I would have a lot of patience or sympathy for someone in that situation. She has made her own bed. I think you're making the right decision to back away. Life is too short to spent it cultivating friendships that cost more than they brings you - both emotionally and in this case, financially too!!

wafflingworrier · 12/02/2015 18:31

YANU

when my friend gave me a load of baby clothes second hand and said she wanted them back i painstakingly sewed a small blue stitch into each item so that i would be able to recongnise hers and return them, i would have been mortified not to.
even if she lost them, it is really mean of her not to own up to finding them given that a bundle of clothes fetches £20 AT MOST second hand. so, she values £20 over your friendship. even if i were completely broke, i would value friendship above the money. clearly then, she doesnt value your friendship, so why bother treating her with respect she hasn't shown you?

JenniferGovernment · 12/02/2015 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laughingmyarseoff · 12/02/2015 19:27

Your update shows her to be a user OP. If you lent her something and made it clear then SWBU not to return. Th, if you get given something you should always check when you are done with it (or when you receive it) whether someone wants it back.

I'd send Jennifers message.

Bananayellow · 12/02/2015 19:31

I like that message too.

Whatisaweekend · 12/02/2015 20:12

She is a user and after a silly 'quick fix' to her money problems instead of tackling the real issues. I think Jennifer's message is a good one - clear, to the point, but not rude or emotional. Will you send it, do you think?

Btw, I both lent out and borrowed baby clothes and it was pretty common amongst my friends so don't think it's odd at all. However, obviously the clothes are not the point - the lies and subterfuge are the point. Send Jennifer's message for some closure and move on!!

sweetcheeks2014 · 12/02/2015 21:03

Thanks for your message suggestion Jennifer I think it is a good one. I am going to give it some thought overnight.

OP posts:
Panzee · 12/02/2015 21:22

I Wouldn't message her. I would let it slide. She's shown her true colours, you don't want her friendship (and neither would I!) what would be the point in pursuing this?

Coyoacan · 12/02/2015 21:30

It would be nice to have the last word, but actually I only bother telling people I care about if there is something that has pissed me off, because I want to improve the situation between us, but I don't know if someone like that is worth it.

Bluepants · 12/02/2015 22:15

Agree with the last poster. You only send the message if you want to repair the friendship. It seems a very one sided friendship and in your position, I wouldn't want to repair it, I'd want to quietly avoid her and let the friendship go.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 11:27

Bluepants - the last para of Jennifers message could read as 'draw a line under things' - eg let the friendship go or she could add to it saying she didn't want the friendship anymore (bad choice of words).

However having seen how Mary behaved yesterday I wouldn't even send a message as it seems it would open a can of worms/open Pandora's Box and OP would possibly get vitriol etc from Mary.

sweetcheeks2014 · 13/02/2015 13:03

I appreciate all your posts- thanks. Have decided to leave it. I feel I have not acted poorly to her and so am going to draw a line under it.

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 13/02/2015 13:05

Actually I would send Jennifers message too. Otherwise it may seem like she can talk to you/treat you how she likes and get away with it and should head off her trying to pressure you to buy anything else.

AuntieMaggie · 13/02/2015 13:06

Ah x-posts :)

Just don't even take a catalogue to look at next time ;)

happywanderingwithdog · 13/02/2015 13:13

It sounds like she deliberately lied, but is there any point having it out with her given that her life sounds really crap? Back away, back away and lose contact.

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