aibu to talk to my friend to tell her she has hurt me?

[sweetcheeks2014]

I am new to mn but have lurked for a month and would really appreciate some objective advice. Sorry in advance if I get lingo wrong and for length as trying to give info needed.

I met friend when we were both pregnant at parent craft class. Going to call her Mary here. Our dd's were born 2 months apart with my dd born first. My dh and I worked f/t and stock pilled nappies, stuff on hospital list while peg. Dd was huge so many of the clothes we bought were hardly or not worn and we also had packets of nappies too. Mary always talked about being broke and being grateful for stream of clothes she got from folk 2nd hand. She was also in a poorly paid job. I handed over the nappies to her and also a lot of clothes but I said dh and I wanted another child and so could she keep the clothes in the event I got pregnant again she agreed.

Fast forward a year and I was peg again. After dropping hints about needing to get ready for the baby at 7 months prg I asked her if she could return the clothes. She looked surprised at this but then said of course. However they were not handed over so after a few weeks had passed (having seen each other a few tines and no mention of them) I asked again. She said she was mortified but could not find them. Given she and moved house 3 times in this period I said not to worry these things happen with house moves etc. I did not think about it again and got organised for new arrival. Meantime she also got peg but lost the baby early and complications mean she cannot have more. V sad for her and we spent much time talking about it and I really feel for her.

For most part we get on well though I do find self trying to get off subject of how little money they have as it just goes on for hours. I feel for her but any suggestion etc I make job or savings wise makes no difference. She says she is disappointed ours dds sane size as I can't pass her clothes (I had a ds).

Anyway finally getting to point (thanks for reading so far). Mary knows I only use intranet in work for toys etc and am not on Fb or Gumtree etc. Friend was round last week and I told her I wanted to get 2nd hand balance bike for did so she took me onto this buy swap sell site and I had nosey around. Is a local site and there was a pic of a second hand bundle of clothes with all the clothes I gave her on it and a few more. It is her.

So I told my dh. We think either she did not want to give me the clothes back as she wanted another baby and needed them. Or she did loose them and then found them and decided to sell them. I feel that she should have given or at least offered to GIve me them back as they were on. Loan not given. Dh says to back off slowly from her as she has broken trust And not raise it with her as she will either deny it or turn it into how I am lucky I have more money than her etc. I feel life is short and why make enemies so let things go as much as possible but I don't care about the clothes now I feel she has lied to me and broken trust and I should raise it with her before backing off. What do u think I should do?Thanks

My DS is 9 months, and not one single item of his clothing has he ever irreparably stained or otherwise ruined (so far). All my friend's babies look pretty immaculate when I see them, and they all grow out of their clothes incredibly fast, which further helps to 'preserve' them. Why are so many posters being so sniffy about wanting to re-use baby clothes, even multiple times? DS has been given loads of good quality used things, in great condition - he'll be the third baby to wear them. I fully intend to keep passing them on, too!

I also had a circle of friends who we passed baby clothes around...I gave some of dd1s to a cousin who used them for both her dds and then passed them back to me for dd2. They were quality clothes and not stained. Why is this weird?
Honestly OP i understand why you are hurt. I would probably let the friendship fizzle out. It doesn't sound like you get much out of being friends with her and with a new baby you won't gave the energy to give her what she wants.

Of course she shouldn't have sold the clothes if you asked for them back. I'd just back of with the friendship and let it fade out if she has told you lies. I don't think there's any point in having a showdown. I don't really agree with giving clothes and then wanting them back. It usually leads to trouble. That is not washed properly, not looked after well and so on. Or in this case sold.

Yanbu. Quite horrible comments about it only being baby clothes to etc, can't people see it's about more than just clothes - it's about lies, deceit and friendships where there is now a lack of trust. Life is too short OP to have people in it we can't trust I've learned - end this relationship now. She's not a real friend.

Your dh is right. It's not about baby clothes it's about trust. She's selling stuff that you loaned to her. I'd just back off slowly.

She's probably embarrassed by the state of the clothes so rather than give you back all the lovely clothes stained and ragged she's offloading them to get a few pounds. She has lied to you but I would cut her some slack for this, has she been a good friend up to this point?

yanbu. Although I would generally not give clothes expecting them back, that's what you did and you made it clear.

If you are nice enough to keep the friendship going, I would just remember never to lend her anything again!

I wouldn't bother getting into a dialogue with her, (tempting as it may be to tell her that you know she's lied) but would most certainly back away from the friendship.

I think that it is only not acceptable to lend clothing if the gifter has not been clear that they expect them to be returned. In this case actually it makes not a jot of difference, Mary is 100% in the wrong. I don't know how old your 2nd baby is OP or how much time has passed since she told you the items were lost/stolen/gone, it is possible that she assumed that your baby was now too large for the clothing and therefore that it was pointless to return them but in my book she has behaved badly. The items were clearly a loan, you asked for them back, they are in good enough condition to sell on and therefore she has stolen from you as she clearly understood that you thought of them as yours but elected to profit at your expense. Just because they are clothes and not something really expensive, doesn't make it OK. What would people say if the situation was 'I loaned my 2nd car to my very poor friend saying that I would need in back, I asked for it back a year later and she made some excuses, then told me it was stolen. I have just seen her selling it on ebay'. Its not far off different in my view

Loaning baby clothes is not that unusual. When my friends and I were passing baby clothes backwards and forwards some were gifts and some were loans - any you wanted back you just made a mark on the label. Of course there was no expectation that they would get special treatment and some would be stained/lost/ruined. But if the OP explicitly said when she handed the clothes over that they were a loan, would it be ridiculous for the friend to remember that? And then when the OP asked for them back, the friend had every opportunity to come clean about where they were and that she had intended to sell them. Even if she honestly lost them and then found them later, she should have said so to the OP and asked if it was okay to sell them.

So as others have said, it's not about the baby clothes as such, it's the fact that the friend blatantly lied to the OP about where the clothes were. If there was confusion about them being a loan/gift, that could have been cleared up when the OP asked for them back and I'm sure the OP would have let the clothes go if the friend had been honest. Trust is crucial in friendships to me, and I would find myself withdrawing from a friend who did this to me.

i understand how you feel op. however i think you only have the following options. forget it and stay friends and think that she has had rough time and short of cash or step back from the friendship because she sounds like hard work. either way yanbu

Lending baby clothes was common in my circle, but I did have my fingers burned with a baby kilt I didn't get back-not a big issue though.

I'm always amazed at so many people saying that baby clothes all end up trashed or stained, what do people do to them? I can't think of any baby clothes I ever had which were ruined-especially tiny sizes, doesn't anyone treat stains any more?

Reply to the ad!

I know plenty of everyday normal people that lend little baby clothes and want them back. They don't get so ruined pre weaning and it'd a waste of money to buy new sets.

I am bored of clicking threads like this and seeing the OP getting a pasting for wanting them back, and in any event it was agreed.

If she had just sold the clothes and told a White lie to get around it ok that's off, you asking for them and her selling them recently after you asked is fucking weird.

I've got fucking boxes of baby clothes in my attic that could probably do three more babies, what if you have a skint friend it's ok for them to sell things you tell them are loaned?

Anyway under the circumstances and her fertility issues I would feel too harsh to have a go and file this under "lesson learned" with her.

YANBU

I loaned baby clothes, and was loaned baby clothes - usually on the understanding that anything that was stained etc could just go in the bin. It's a perfectly normal activity.

What you don't do ever is sell on something that was given to you as a loan. Anyone who does this is not a nice person or a good friend.

I would have to say something - having to watch your back or slowly back off takes too much energy. You don't have to be mean about it but I would raise it with her and she'll either give you a good explanation or a shit one and you'll know one way or another if she's worth continuing a friendship with.

I personally wouldn't loan baby clothes I would give them away. However, this isn't what this thread is about. It's obviously about the fact that the OP's friend lied to her.

And as for these people saying it's too much bother to sort out loaned baby clothes and keep them clean, nobody is forcing you to borrow them in the first place. And 'Mary' clearly didn't have a problem with that because she managed to sort them and keep them clean enough to sell.

If I had been Mary and I'd genuinely made a mistake in that she'd misunderstood that you'd wanted them back, I would have told you, apologised and offered you any money I'd made from selling. But the whole thing smacks of deceit. YANBU OP, as others have said, back away from her, she isn't much of a friend.

I don't think yabu. You lent them to her and shes selling them on? Id be very cross.

Oh and id bring it up if there is anyway you want to save the friendship.

quietly and sosix - the OP's 'friend' moans to her about a lack of money all the time when they meet. and worse than that has betrayed her by lying and lying for money....

I think that's the sort of friendship like her DH says you just draw a line under it and walk away. I certainly could afford to lose this friendship.

YANBU OP and I am surprised at some of the comments. Yours were unnecessary and nasty -prettyfeet.

I had a similar scenario a while ago. I lent something to a friend (not clothes but a piece of equipment). It was very clear it was a loan as I said I wasn't sure if we were done so i'd like it back after. She said it was fine. Later on she told me how she lent this to a friend . I was surprised but stupidly said nothing. She even said she could get it back if I wanted but I didn't feel I could say yes right away. A while later I messaged her asking for it back and she said she'd be seeing her friend soon etc. Didn't hear anything. I reminded her a few times and got the same each time "oh yes, i'm so rubbish" etc etc. Another time I said I wanted it to lend to my cousin (so an actual reason to have it and still got same replies). Finally it popped into my head one day and I sent a brief message of "has X still got X, i'd like it back please" and I just got a barrage of shit back. How she never realised it was a loan, she'd never have bothered otherwise, I get shitty over nothing etc and if it meant that much she would pay me for the bloody thing! Not once when I previously asked for it had she mentioned any of this. I replied saying she was fully aware it was a loan and i'd want it back. She said said she must have forgot and she'd ask her friend when she saw her. No apology at all.

I gave up asking but i'm certainly not the same with her since. Ok it may seem petty over something like that but it's the reaction when I am asking for my own property back that fucked me off more than anything. Plus the constant 'forgetting' and me having to chase.

In your situation i'm not sure I could be the same with your friend OP. She has blatantly lied to you. I think she knows we where the clothes were all the time but wanted to make some money seeing as she complains about it so much.

well that's the friendship over!

Did you say something to her op?