aibu to talk to my friend to tell her she has hurt me?

[sweetcheeks2014]

I am new to mn but have lurked for a month and would really appreciate some objective advice. Sorry in advance if I get lingo wrong and for length as trying to give info needed.

I met friend when we were both pregnant at parent craft class. Going to call her Mary here. Our dd's were born 2 months apart with my dd born first. My dh and I worked f/t and stock pilled nappies, stuff on hospital list while peg. Dd was huge so many of the clothes we bought were hardly or not worn and we also had packets of nappies too. Mary always talked about being broke and being grateful for stream of clothes she got from folk 2nd hand. She was also in a poorly paid job. I handed over the nappies to her and also a lot of clothes but I said dh and I wanted another child and so could she keep the clothes in the event I got pregnant again she agreed.

Fast forward a year and I was peg again. After dropping hints about needing to get ready for the baby at 7 months prg I asked her if she could return the clothes. She looked surprised at this but then said of course. However they were not handed over so after a few weeks had passed (having seen each other a few tines and no mention of them) I asked again. She said she was mortified but could not find them. Given she and moved house 3 times in this period I said not to worry these things happen with house moves etc. I did not think about it again and got organised for new arrival. Meantime she also got peg but lost the baby early and complications mean she cannot have more. V sad for her and we spent much time talking about it and I really feel for her.

For most part we get on well though I do find self trying to get off subject of how little money they have as it just goes on for hours. I feel for her but any suggestion etc I make job or savings wise makes no difference. She says she is disappointed ours dds sane size as I can't pass her clothes (I had a ds).

Anyway finally getting to point (thanks for reading so far). Mary knows I only use intranet in work for toys etc and am not on Fb or Gumtree etc. Friend was round last week and I told her I wanted to get 2nd hand balance bike for did so she took me onto this buy swap sell site and I had nosey around. Is a local site and there was a pic of a second hand bundle of clothes with all the clothes I gave her on it and a few more. It is her.

So I told my dh. We think either she did not want to give me the clothes back as she wanted another baby and needed them. Or she did loose them and then found them and decided to sell them. I feel that she should have given or at least offered to GIve me them back as they were on. Loan not given. Dh says to back off slowly from her as she has broken trust And not raise it with her as she will either deny it or turn it into how I am lucky I have more money than her etc. I feel life is short and why make enemies so let things go as much as possible but I don't care about the clothes now I feel she has lied to me and broken trust and I should raise it with her before backing off. What do u think I should do?Thanks

Are you certain it is her selling them? I think you need to confirm as you can't be 100% sure

It's poor if she's selling them. You should challenge her in a low key manner.

you should have just stored the unused baby clothes though or given them away completely. It's a nightmare keeping things good to return

The op lent her friend some clothes and the friend is now selling them. Why are people blaming the op for having the temerity to expect that her friend might give them back to her as per the original agreement??

Maybe a friend sorted the clothes for her, as she might have been upset about baby clothes in the house. Or maybe she's a chancer. If it's the former I bet she'd be mortified if you brought it up, the latter, she won't care.

You're not U for wanting to tell her you are hurt, but what do you want it to achieve, and will telling her achieve that?

I'm seeing so many feeling attached to items of clothing. Lovingly bought, feeling hurt ext. What's all that about? Beyond a couple of key jtems, hoe long are you planning on being so attached to items of clothing?

She told you a barefaced lie so she could make some money out of your possessions, when they were a kind and generous loan to begin with? Wow.

I agree with your husband, I'm afraid. Pointless to raise this.

My cousin lent me some baby clothes when I had my dd. I was really grateful, kept tabs on them and washed carefully, and returned. I lent my ds' clothes to her, and to another friend, and same deal. This is normal amongst mothers - obviously some get damaged, that's life and no problem, but no, baby clothes aren't necessarily that cheap when you factor in how many they need, and how fast they grow.

I've also handed down all the clothes I have now my family's complete, and also benefited from hand-me-downs. If the recipients want to sell them, they're welcome. That's different.

Dishonesty on several fronts isn't okay and YANBU. I'm a little unnerved that some people are so vehement that theft from and arse-covering lies to friends are, frankly. If that's friendship, how do you treat enemies?

I've loaned our baby clothes out several times. A couple of friends have loaned theirs to me. They've always come back, possibly minus a babygro or two, but no-one's counting. One friend and I shared the cost of a couple of things (snowsuit etc), on the basis that her DS2 would use it and then it would be passed onto my DS2 who was a year younger, and then sold on, or kept for future DCs if needed.

The arrangement with loaned clothes is always that no special effort needs to be made - if they get trashed they get trashed, but anything that doesn't comes back eventually.

The friend was dishonest and I'm surprised anyone would think otherwise. She knew the clothes were a loan - and she was entirely at liberty to say no, if that was going to be a nuisance - and she lied to the OP about losing them, before trying to sell them on. Not okay by any stretch of the imagination.

YANBU. She has lied to you and justified it in her head by deciding that as you are in a better position than her it's okay to deceive you and profit from items that were explicitly given on loan.

I have friends who are better off than me; that doesn't entitle me to help myself to their belongings and flog them on eBay.

I also have friends who have given me baby things and I won't be selling them when I'm done, I'll be either handing them back if they are required or passing them on to other friends who are expecting.

I have to say she doesn't sound like a keeper. Quite apart from the fact that people who whine non-stop about their financial hardships aren't much fun, it sounds as though she thinks that her need for cash is more important than your right to basic respect. I would withdraw from her and I think I might also hint that you have seen the clothes online so that she realises what the reason for the friendship ending is. People need to learn that certain behaviour is unacceptable.

I think some posters are being harsh to the OP. She was under no obligation to loan her friend anything but did do with the clear understanding that the items were a loan and to be returned.
It is up to the OP if she says something but I suspect that Mary will justify her actions on the basis that somehow her lack of money miscarriage and infertility is somehow OPs fault, when clearly it isn't.
OP you could comment on he selling page just so she knows but after that I would reduce contact with her and never ever lend her anything ever again what ever the sob story.

I'd say 'that's odd they look like those baby clothes from before"....

If I was really that bothered....

Otherwise I'd probably back away from friendship a little as it's clearly making you a little uncomfortable....quite rightly so if you think she's lying about daft things.

I've never understood this loaning clothes back and forth thing, surely they must be all stained and out of shape?

Yes she's wrong but you're incredibly petty and given everything she's been through you should just get over instead of obsessing over a pile of manky baby clothes.

I recommend that you join the Facebook selling site and comment Sold on the items. Go and collect them from her. Then let the friendship drop. She is not a good friend.

A neighbour gave me this god awful Dalmatian suit for my then LO under strict instructions she wanted it back eventually. I treated it like gold and never touched it, was glad to see the back of it. Too much pressure! My LO is now 17 and all the baby clothes I thought I'd miss and want to hang onto don't actually mean anything to me now.

Maybe her selling the old stuff meant her and her family could eat for a few days of her money troubles are that bad? Just let it go but don't lend her anything else, ever!

This thread is so odd. Only on MN eh! OP, YANBU. Your friend needs to get the grip. Who sells clothes that were loaned to them when they know it's a loan?. That's weird.

YANBU. Obviously if you loan out baby clothes you accept that there might be a few losses or stains but repaying an act of kindness by deliberately selling them behind your back is not on. Also lending baby clothes is common. Yes individually they're cheap but buying the whole lot can be expensive especially for stuff that's only going to be worn for a few months.

If you don't want the bother of keeping track of newborn baby clothes don't accept the loan.

Clearly OP is not worried about the baby clothes in and of themselves (she was fine about it when she thought they were lost) but the deliberate deceit. That is totally reasonable.

I don't think that there is any point in raising it with her as she'll likely fob you off.

I'd also be wanting to get the stuff back if it meant anything to me.

It's awful to have done a favour & be treated so shittily.

You lent her clothes to save her buying & not content she's selling them on to make money!

I would definitely ask her about it. Why on earth wouldn't you?

Hi Friend, I was just looking through Gumtree Local and I saw a bundle of the baby cloths that I lent you. Maybe your DH listed them by mistake but I would like them back. When is a good time for me to collect them. Thanks Apple

There is no need to be unpleasant or passive aggressive. You want her to know you have seen them and you want them back. This message would allow her to 'save face'

I'm on your side OP. You reminded your friend about the clothes several times so she couldn't have forgotten that you wanted them back.

Your 'friend' is not the brightest card in the pack - directing you to the site where your stuff is on sale.

As to the 'friendship' I think you have 3 options - clear the air with her and move on, say nothing but watch your back and carry on as before, or let it drift away.

It's not about the money even it's about the cheek of this woman to take advantage of a so called 'friendship' to make money out of the baby clothes. She blatantly obviously wanted to sell these clothes on - she hasn't lost them and found them or anything. She also knew you wanted them back but I think she did think 'oh sweetcheeks can afford to buy new ones'. She probably thought you'd forget about them.

I'd let her know in some shape or form that you know about the clothes (whether it be a text, email etc) and that it's disappointed you and you feel your friendship can't go on (if it can't). I wouldn't mention lost/found, you wanted to keep the clothes (she knows that) just say that you know, you're not stupid and you don't want an argument about it. if she wants to guilt-trip you about the money that's her business.

It does also seem like you have little in common apart from your DC and she does seem the type who likes a good moan and also isn't very proactive re helping herself.

Then you can walk away. But I couldn't just not say anything, myself.

I hate the loaning baby clothes thing

No one forced you to accept them.

Everyone I know loans or gives away baby clothes!

A lot of the time the loaner/giver will say "just donate them when you're done" or whatever. But sometimes if they plan on having another, it's "I'd like back any that survive."

When my friends and I do it we put a mark on the tag or inside the neck...a purple dot or something that doesn't affect the clothing but is distinctive. Then when the baby outgrows it, you toss it in a bag. If the friend who loaned them has a new baby, you give them back. If you find yourself wanting to get rid, you call the friend and say "I'm running out of room and I have a bag of X's baby stuff...do you want them back or shall I pass them on?"

I think it's funny on MN, how people come on and shriek about people being extravagant with resources etc but then turn around and say "oh they're just clothes, get a grip."

No one forced you to accept them

That is true! I have a good friend who has a baby boy. She is very into dressing him and has spent a lot of money on his outfits. I'm due with a boy and she's talked about giving me his clothes. I've told her not to worry about it because a) I know she was looking forward to selling them to get some of her money back and b) because his clothes mean so much to her I'd be terrified of not "appreciating" them enough.

So I just said no.

I seriously do not understand what is so wrong about loaning baby clothes to someone and expecting them back?

Anything else you loan out you have every right to expect back so why are baby clothes so different?

Surely anyone who loans baby clothes would accept that some may get ruined and some may get lost but that doesn't mean that you cant expect the remaining ones back?

My Dsis is expecting a boy this year. She already has a girl and so ive lent her all of DS's stuff so she doesn't have to buy anything. Ive asked for it back as we will hopefully have another child. I don't expect her to worry about stains etc and accept that probably not everything will come back to us but as a 'job lot' I expect them back. They are hers to use for her child as she needs to without fear of ruining them but they still belong to me when she is finished with them.

If I don't get them back because they are all stained then fine, but if I don't get them back because she has ignored my request for them to be returned, lies about losing them and then sells them on then that's just not on.

You loaned her unworn or virtually unworn clothes. I wouldn't have done that if I was planning a second child so that is exceedingly generous of you.

She's a twunt who has proved she's no real friend of yours. I'm not surprised you feel let down and upset.
If there are mutual friends and a falling out would have an impact, I'd gradually back off. Distance myself and be polite but cool. If it's just you two, I think I would tell her why you are upset.