aibu to talk to my friend to tell her she has hurt me?

[sweetcheeks2014]

I am new to mn but have lurked for a month and would really appreciate some objective advice. Sorry in advance if I get lingo wrong and for length as trying to give info needed.

I met friend when we were both pregnant at parent craft class. Going to call her Mary here. Our dd's were born 2 months apart with my dd born first. My dh and I worked f/t and stock pilled nappies, stuff on hospital list while peg. Dd was huge so many of the clothes we bought were hardly or not worn and we also had packets of nappies too. Mary always talked about being broke and being grateful for stream of clothes she got from folk 2nd hand. She was also in a poorly paid job. I handed over the nappies to her and also a lot of clothes but I said dh and I wanted another child and so could she keep the clothes in the event I got pregnant again she agreed.

Fast forward a year and I was peg again. After dropping hints about needing to get ready for the baby at 7 months prg I asked her if she could return the clothes. She looked surprised at this but then said of course. However they were not handed over so after a few weeks had passed (having seen each other a few tines and no mention of them) I asked again. She said she was mortified but could not find them. Given she and moved house 3 times in this period I said not to worry these things happen with house moves etc. I did not think about it again and got organised for new arrival. Meantime she also got peg but lost the baby early and complications mean she cannot have more. V sad for her and we spent much time talking about it and I really feel for her.

For most part we get on well though I do find self trying to get off subject of how little money they have as it just goes on for hours. I feel for her but any suggestion etc I make job or savings wise makes no difference. She says she is disappointed ours dds sane size as I can't pass her clothes (I had a ds).

Anyway finally getting to point (thanks for reading so far). Mary knows I only use intranet in work for toys etc and am not on Fb or Gumtree etc. Friend was round last week and I told her I wanted to get 2nd hand balance bike for did so she took me onto this buy swap sell site and I had nosey around. Is a local site and there was a pic of a second hand bundle of clothes with all the clothes I gave her on it and a few more. It is her.

So I told my dh. We think either she did not want to give me the clothes back as she wanted another baby and needed them. Or she did loose them and then found them and decided to sell them. I feel that she should have given or at least offered to GIve me them back as they were on. Loan not given. Dh says to back off slowly from her as she has broken trust And not raise it with her as she will either deny it or turn it into how I am lucky I have more money than her etc. I feel life is short and why make enemies so let things go as much as possible but I don't care about the clothes now I feel she has lied to me and broken trust and I should raise it with her before backing off. What do u think I should do?Thanks

She sounds like she has a victim mentality and therefore will never be your true friend as she thinks only about your comparative income. I would say you know about the clothes and calmly ask for them back.. you may not get them, but just say oh, did you find my clothes after all?
Sorry you have had some awful replies here, aibu is the worst bit of mumsnet, people just play devils advocate all the time. Ignore, you are fine

Oh and yes back away. She isn't a friend. Protect yourself.

I agree with a previous poster that you need to look at the bigger picture here. You are having a baby - she has had m/c and now has secondary infertility. She hasn't done the right thing but I think you need to be the bigger person and find it in yourself to ignore/forgive

Wow some people are so unkind! You told her they were on loan. She is trying to sell them. YANBU!

Lots of people lend out their newborn clothes. It's not like they get worn out. When DD outgrew hers I have them to my cousin for her new baby. She actually offered to mark the labels so she knew which were mine so she could return them. Her and many of her friends did that to help each other out. I didn't need them back so said she could keep them. I believe she handed them on to a friend when she was done with them. It's not crazy to lend clothes! But there will be losses along the way!

YAdefinitelyNBU OP. If the loan was given on the agreement that she'd give the clothes back when you asked she has lied to you. It doesn't matter what the value is, that was the deal and she is in the wrong. I had a close friend (at the time) do this to me with lots of baby clothes and equipment and she is no longer a friend.

Doesn't matter if it's baby clothes or the crown jewels, she's lied to her friend and deliberately withheld something that belonged to her in order to sell it. She's not a good friend!

Though in future, never 'lend' baby clothes, it's really not a good idea if you want to use them again. Not because of thieving friends but generally because baby clothes get a battering plus it's hard to remember who gave what when you have piles of them.

YANBU, it's not the clothes, it's the lying about them. I would just tell her simply that you saw the advert and see what she says. No need to make her squirm or be challenging about it, just ask her. It sounds like she's been through a lot, and you do sound a bit fed up with her, so it might be the end of your friendship, but at least give her the chance to explain.

YANBU. There are some very strange people posting on here. It's perfectly common to lend baby clothes - at newborn sizes they'll only be worn three months at most and will certainly be reusable. OP very clearly lent the clothes to her friend, friend lied and is trying to make money out of something she knows does not belong to her. She's not only a thief, she is someone who is prepared to steal from a friend. Time to back away, I think.

Lending baby clothes is bizarre and not something I've encountered in real life.

What you do next depends on how much you value the friendship and the compassion you have forgotten your friend.

You could get all annoyed, pull her up and make her explain. You will probably lose a friend in the process.

Or you could let it go.

Why is lending baby clothes bizzare?

My friend lent me a bunch of baby and maternity clothes when I was pregnant.
She had a lot of lovely baby clothes she'd been given as gifts that her DS had only got a couple of wears out of so passed them on to me.
She wrote her initials on the tags and said keep them as long as you need, then she would pass them on to someone else in her mothers group
Everyone passed clothes back and forth, we all saved money and the lovely clothes didn't get wasted.

YANBU to be upset.

Op given that you're new here I'll give you a short lesson.

On mn apparently you're unreasonable to loan out anything you want to see again.

Imho, this is bull shit. In the real world lending stuff out to help people is kind and considerate and only arse holes don't return it. Of course with stuff like baby clothes sometimes some things will come back in less good condition and the odd item might get lost. But in general they should get back to you. They certainly shouldn't be kept and lied about and finally sold.

So your friend is having a tough time. Imho that doesn't give her the right to lie to you and keep your property to sell for her own benefit. For those still persisting in missing the point I'll make it again it is NOT about the clothes but the less and deceit

This would definitely change how I felt about her and in not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who would treat me and my good will like this.

But because we're on Mumsnet and not in the real world at least half of the people here will think that's unreasonable even though I've never met a single person in real life who thithink loan is anything other than a loan.

She probably couldn't find them when asked. Came across them recently and put them on the site without thinking op would want them back.

Loaning things in general, fine. Baby clothes? Less than helpful. Imagine making a new mum keep track of your loaned items in amongst the cahos that is a new baby.

So you loan someone something, they lie about it being missing and then sell it - and people think your BU?

No wonder people do this stuff if so many just keep quiet and let it go.

I think you should tell her you know and see what her reaction is and take it from there. Don't buy or accept any stories re 'well you have more money' and that's an excuse. However if it's genuine apology and explanation that they are financially struggling (without a jealousy reference) then consider whether you can remain friends but on a lower level and take it from there.

My best friends financial circumstances are far better than mine - income 3x as much but their family is double the size. It's never come between us.

SaltedCaramel has it for me.

Leave it and back away.

Normally I'd be in the camp of thinking it was odd you asking her to return them. But since your DD was too big to fit into some of the clothes you had lovingly bought and never got to wear them at all, I can quite understand it.

That I think is the point - they are not twice-worn clothes, they are once-worn and when the OP lent them they were UNworn. And to all the people saying "poor friend, she must have been so worried about keeping them free of stains" - what an odd thing to say! She clearly never intended to return them so if she was worrying about keeping them clean it would only be so she could get a better price.

I'd agree with your DH though. After what she has been through it would probably not go well if you tried to have it out with her.

She may well have decided to get rid of all her baby stuff in one big grief-stricken purge and it turned out your things were there at the back after all. She may have not really looked at the things due to feeling upset - she could have got someone else to take the photos for all you know. You need to tread carefully here because you could be seen as being very insensitive (even though you have a point!) calling out a friend over a few baby clothes when she can't have another baby.

Even if you post a cheery "Ah! I see on XX site you have found my stuff after all. That's a bit of luck! Can I have it back now then?" I expect you'll end up feeling funny about it all.

I guess I'd just leave it, and detach from her.

I hate the loaning baby clothes thing, a friend gave me a bag of baby clothes when I was pregnant, I also had a few other bags from different people and we bought some 2nd hand, I really had no idea who gave me what, my friend then got pregnant and asked for the clothes back, I had no idea which clothes were "hers" so I just gave a bag the same size of random clothes.

If you want your clothes back I think it's best you write your name in them.

I would imagine that your friend has lots of different emotions tied up with the clothes as she lost a baby.

Are you planning more babies? Do you need the clothes back? 3rd hand baby clothes sell for nearly nothing, I don't think it's worth worrying about.

It's a life lesson OP.

Don't "lend" baby clothes. Baby clothes get trashed anyway.

My good friend gave me a sun suit for my children, four years later and a few holidays abroad she asked for it back- then claiming it was a loan.
I gave her it and she was angry that it had a few tar stains , had been caught and worn on the bottom by rocks and faded by the sun. We haven't spoken since.

Never give baby clothes with the expectation of having them returned. If you don't mind using 2nd hand yourself ( and that includes your own that have been used by someone else ) then get to a jumble sale. You will find stuff that is 10p a pop.

If she is really broke then it can be bloody hard and miserable, no wonder she wants to talk about it to you even though it bores you.

She shouldn't have sold the clothes but it was weird of you to loan them to her.

I don't think op is pregnant. She said she had a ds after her dd.

Yanbu. Even if someone gave me baby clothes (or anything else for that matter) I wouldn't sell them on. Making profit from a friend's generosity does not sit well with me. I've given away heaps of stuff because of this. So the fact you loaned the clothes makes this worse. You know what she's like now. Avoid and concentrate on your family and your genuine friends.

You told her to 'keep thr clothes' and I think she has misinterpreted this as to regard them as her own, hang on to them, not give them away when her baby grew out of them. Then the house moves have meant they were in a box, packed away and difficult to get at, and she herself having pregnancies, and miscarriages (there may have been more than one) makes her needs greater than yours at that point. Where was your compassion?

Having had to move house 3 times, which is really difficult at the vest of times, but with a small baby it's doubly stressful. One of the most stressful this to go through in life. She has had miscarriages, and although you feel very sad for her I don't think you can possibly know how hard this is. She cannot have more children.That really is more important than clothes, isn't it? I wonder whether your attitude betrayed that you have already broken her trust in you in your lack of compassion and empathy.

The thing for others to learn from this is do not lend out your baby clothes if you might want them back. I disagree that they are cheap, but they can wear out quickly when used by different families, and lending them to someone else having their first child when your first is just born is just daft. You're both hoping to plan more, and you created a conflict of interest situation and put the worth of your friendship at a bundle of clothes!