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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed at people asking whether my pregnancy is planned

58 replies

happygojo · 11/02/2015 13:37

Now.... prior to being pregnant I would have NEVER asked someone this. I mean if they are telling you they are pregnant then they are obviously planning to continue the pregnancy so whether the baby was planned or not is completely irrelevant.

I feel that I am being asked A LOT, possibly because I am unmarried. I mean that is a conscious choice, me and my bf have a house together and are totally committed. We are in our late 20s and it is me that can't think of anything worse than spending a load of money, time and stress on a wedding when I am ready for a family now.

I just don't think it is anybodies business whether my child is planned... or anyone else's child for that matter.

I might just be hormonal and sensitive

OP posts:
Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 13:42

Just nosy or making conversation ??

was it planned though?

Charlotte3333 · 11/02/2015 13:42

Nope, I think there's a bit of a lack of manners when it comes to pregnant ladies. In fact, ladies of childbearing age generally; everyone has an opinion on "you ought to have another one by now", or "don't you want to try for a girl?".

I tended to find saying "I'm not pregnant, actually, that's just a fuck-load of cake you're prodding down there" helped while I was actually with child. And now we've got two boys, saying "Actually we've been trying for four years unsuccessfully, if you'd like to give us any pointers feel free" makes people suitably uncomfortable. It's not entirely true (we've left it to nature and nature's looked at the two existing ones and decided no way, jose). Makes me smile to watch people feel uncomfortable, though.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 11/02/2015 13:44

Just say "no actually we would have preferred a dog."

Soon shut them up.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 11/02/2015 13:45

Wait till random people try and grope your big pregnant belly ....Angry

MummyBeerest · 11/02/2015 13:48

Yanbu. People are weird like that.

An extended family member and his girlfriend got this a lot when she was pregnant. They ended up getting married because she felt so self-conscious. I felt so awful for her.

I'd just ask "What do you mean?" When people ask. Watch them squirm.

Charlotte3333 · 11/02/2015 13:49

Also, the whole unmarried mother thing; a lot of people are surprisingly weird about that, too. I wasn't married when I had ES and even the midwife who came out to me the first day we arrived home from hospital sniffed "another unmarried mother" at me.

Oddly, I fell pregnant with YS a few months before our wedding so was 14 weeks on the day (didn't show though, my MIL would have died of horror at a hugely pregnant bride marrying her precious). And people were shitty about that, too; "are you getting married because you're pregnant?". I got married because I wasted a frigging party and some nice cutlery from John Lewis.

You cannot please anyone when it comes to children and marriage. Not a single person. So just aim to please yourself.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 11/02/2015 13:50

They're just making conversation. Maybe trying to see if you're happy about it or worried about the changes you will have to make to your plans if it was unplanned, wondering if you'd rather have travelled/worked for longer etc.

It's just a question, you know, showing an interest in someone else's life. I really don't get the big deal. Just answer them 'Yes and we are thrilled', 'No, but we couldn't be happier about it' or 'No, it was a bit of a surprise but we're really excited now'.

It's not like they're asking what position you were in when you conceived Grin

CallMeAntigone · 11/02/2015 13:53

I had the same, only in my case in was because DD was only a year old. I would dream of asking anyone such a personal question.

Original poster
happygojo · 11/02/2015 13:56

I mean I would LOVE to be married..... it is the wedding thing I am not that fussed about (the amount money for one day, two VERY different and vocal families, trying to please everyone etc etc). We have talked about eloping but that would 'break the mothers hearts blah blah'

When people ask whether we are going to get married i either say 'We have a 35 year mortgage together which is harder to get out of than a marriage'

Or 'with a house and a baby.... marriage is too much like commitment'

I am just sensitive when 'friends' ask. Also I think a lot of my friends are just not at kids stage yet despite being late 20s/early 30s which is fine for them. But it is also fine for me to want to start a family now at 28

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 11/02/2015 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janinlondon · 11/02/2015 13:57

My boss asked me this when I announced my pregnancy. His exact words were "and are you happy about this? was it planned?" Which was insensitive but also ridiculous as it was an IVF pregnancy. People really dont think before they speak. Try: "Actually, between you and me, we cant for the life of us think how it happened......!"

MrsRayOfSunshine · 11/02/2015 14:01

I hate this, with my first my boss asked me! I was shocked at his rudeness, it's just so personal!

Also got it with my second, but ds was only 5 months when I fell pregnant... Old ladies were the worst, doesn't help that I'm 24 and look about 15, towards the end of my pregnancy I was tempted to kick a few walking sticks... Hmm

geekymommy · 11/02/2015 14:02

People who were not RAISED BY WOLVES actually say stuff like that? There have been cases where I would have loved to know the answer to that question about someone else's pregnancy. I didn't ask, though, because I have some basic manners.

If a woman is telling you about her pregnancy, and not saying anything about getting an abortion or putting the baby up for adoption, she has probably decided she wants it. The rest isn't your business, except for IMMEDIATE family in some cases.

Gunpowder · 11/02/2015 14:04

Loads of people asked me the first time I was pregnant. I was in my early 30s and DH and I had been married 18 months!

It's a very weird question, but I think people just say it for something to say, like 'when are you due?' or 'do you know what you're having?' I think most people aren't thinking enough to be pointed about it.

chinstrappenguin · 11/02/2015 14:06

When I was pregnant with mt first child, one of my Supervisors heard I was pregnant and when he next saw me said, "I hear you are pregnant well if you play you pay!" I was just Shock !

Kurololi · 11/02/2015 14:06

Not only did I get asked whether my pregnancy was planned, a man a work asked me if I knew who the father was! Me and DP had been together for four years and living together for two Confused I just said "Um...yeah"

SummerHouse · 11/02/2015 14:06

No one ever asked me this. And I know this because it would have totally thrown me as he was not planned and I would not generally want to share that. What would be next? A casual chat about which form of contraception failed and how? People should mind their own business.

Xenadog · 11/02/2015 14:07

Wait until your baby is about four months old. Then everyone starts asking you when you are having baby number 2!

I think if it really bothers you when people ask if the baby is planned you are totally within your rights to say, "Why do you want to know?" That's should make most decent people squirm and shut up.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/02/2015 14:08

Your friends are not at the kid stage yet so to be perfectly honest while it is rude to ask obviously they are just thoughtlessly putting themselves in your shoes. When I was 28, getting intentionally pregnant was the furthest thing from my mind so if a friend had turned up and delightedly announced that she was 12 weeks gone and would have a babe in arms in sub 6 months I would have fallen over in shock. Not because it's a terrible thing, it just wasn't remotely in my immediate life plan and it's often a shock to find that your friends are off consciously making grown up plans to start a family, not take a sabbatical from work and travel.

Does that make sense? As the baby making trailblazer, your friends will be quizzing you about your choice for purely selfish reasons to establish in their own minds whether it's something they should be considering or not.

If you were also one of the first couples to buy a house, you probably had similar questions. Not whether it was planned but more about why it was the right time for you to take on so much debt etc etc.

I wouldn't take it personally. If you do, then simply bat it back with an "Of course, it was planned. I don't want to be 60 yrs old when my kids start university?"

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 11/02/2015 14:08

I got asked this a lot and I'm married. I agree- thought it was s very inappropriate question.

MrsTawdry · 11/02/2015 14:10

Ooh no. YANBU! I think that's like asking someone about their sex life or something!

People ask me "Do you think you will have any more DC?" and I get offended as it's too personal a question.

OnlyLovers · 11/02/2015 14:10

Do people really ask this? I'm shocked. It wouldn't occur to me.

MrsRay, how did you answer your boss? with a slap in the face I hope

SASASI · 11/02/2015 14:11

I was asked this (for the record I am married) and I told the person that was personal & a rude question to ask. That shut them up.

YANBU

MrsTawdry · 11/02/2015 14:11

Janin MINE asked that too! Shock And then....years later I bumped into him with DH and he said "Oh! You're still together!!" Angry

Thedonkeyontherainbowsaidwoof · 11/02/2015 14:14

YANBU. It is rude.

I dare you to reply 'No, I was impregnated by our alien overlords in my sleep. May the great Master Ugalybugaly rule over us with his blessings for 10,000 years.'

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