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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at people asking whether my pregnancy is planned

58 replies

happygojo · 11/02/2015 13:37

Now.... prior to being pregnant I would have NEVER asked someone this. I mean if they are telling you they are pregnant then they are obviously planning to continue the pregnancy so whether the baby was planned or not is completely irrelevant.

I feel that I am being asked A LOT, possibly because I am unmarried. I mean that is a conscious choice, me and my bf have a house together and are totally committed. We are in our late 20s and it is me that can't think of anything worse than spending a load of money, time and stress on a wedding when I am ready for a family now.

I just don't think it is anybodies business whether my child is planned... or anyone else's child for that matter.

I might just be hormonal and sensitive

OP posts:

ahbollocks · 11/02/2015 14:16

Very rude.
My manager asked this and I said 'do you know Claire, I didnt even think you COULD get pregnant they way that we do it!' And pissed myself laughing.
She said it was the hardest she'd ever blushed in her life

Gunpowder · 11/02/2015 14:18

PMSL at 'well if you play, you pay!'

I'm going to use this on DH next time he complains about dirty nappies/tantrums/lack of sleep.

Panicmode1 · 11/02/2015 14:18

People do say unimaginably rude things - when I announced I was pg with my fourth I lost count of the number of crass comments, such as you do know how it happens don't you, all by the same father, you should watch more TV...etc etc.

Whippet81 · 11/02/2015 14:19

People who say 'it's just making conversation' are obviously the ones asking the question.

It is incredibly rude. I had one person at work say to me 'oh well congratulations - or is it?'. I was absolutely thrown.

I had DS at 33 - I had 10 years plus of people telling me I needed to hurry up - that I would change my mind (as I wasn't really bothered for a long time). When DS was about a week old and after an incredibly difficult pregnancy I was asked when I was having my next - my first response was actually 'oh piss off' I couldn't help myself. I had a mc first and a few months later was told I obviously wasn't trying by someone who didn't know.

I have the theory that people who are concerned about other people's live actually have very little going on in their own.

ln1981 · 11/02/2015 14:20

YANBU op. Had this with ds1-admittedly I was early 20's and looked even younger but still, its just rude.

And my personal favourite-'do they all have the same dad?!' ( I have 3 dc's and yes they do all have the same dad )

OnlyLovers · 11/02/2015 14:20

my first response was actually 'oh piss off'

Round of applause.

Tisiphone · 11/02/2015 14:21

Yanbu in the least. I had my son at 39, after a long and happy childfree relationship with my partner, and the number of people who thought it was OK to ask whether the pregnancy was an accident staggered me! Fortunately, I am a rude person.

Theoretician · 11/02/2015 14:24

It seems like a very sensible question, they want to know whether to congratulate you or commiserate.

I remember in my twenties commiserating with a friend whose wife was pregnant, I though he was having me on even after he made clear that he was ecstatic about it. I couldn't understand why any sane human being would want to have a baby.

geekymommy · 11/02/2015 14:25

They didn't wait until my baby was 4 months old to start asking if I was having another. I got asked that when I announced my pregnancy (at about 12-14 weeks), both times. Umm, maybe we should wait till this one is at least viable to start thinking about that?

I don't think the buying a house situation is quite the same. People don't generally buy a house without intending to, so that's a pretty dumb question. (They might inherit one, but that's not the same) Of course, something being a stupid question doesn't stop a lot of people from asking it.

dooberrywhatsit · 11/02/2015 14:38

This drives me mad!!!! I was asked it again today . I had it about a week ago by someone I barely knew who asked in front of a load of people...... I was really - so much so that I just said 'no, but we are very excited'. After the shock I was really cross and thought I will be prepared for this next time am asked..... Had it again today and didn't manage a clever response.

I liked on the earlier post a response of 'why do you want to know' - I must remember it next time

So, anyway, no YANBU at all!!!

BirdInTheRoom · 11/02/2015 14:45

I hate this question - I think it's so rude and intrusive!

Ilikemashpotatoe · 11/02/2015 14:49

YANBU!! I am soooo glad I'm now on maternity leave because I was starting to think I would say something id regret if one more person asked me a stupid question.
It is personal. Also when people ask you about money. My boss even asked me if it was planned. After "joking" to clients I'm not aloud to get pregnant again until 4 years because she needs me there. I already have a 4 year old ds. I wasn't going to be waiting around, yes it was bludy planned!!! She even used to tell everyone that I'm leaving her and how unthoughtful of me. Which yes, may be said in jest of things but an emotional hormonal pregnant woman DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Working with the general public.. Manners.. Pfft

NunoBettencourt · 11/02/2015 14:51

My exH asked me this when I let him know I was pregnant - I was just trying to be polite and let him know before our shared DC jumped on him in excitement to tell him their news (they had been told first). I was completely thrown by him asking such an inappropriate question that I just mumbled a yes. It's been a few years since then and it still pisses me off. When DH and I were expecting our second I just did a courteous text instead :o

OnlyLovers · 11/02/2015 15:01

It seems like a very sensible question, they want to know whether to congratulate you or commiserate.

Get out of town, Theoretician! I'm sure most people can probably divine from the context and the way the person tells you whether or not it's news that requires a 'Congratulations'.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/02/2015 15:19

I did work with someone [v senior executive in a bank] who I hadn't run into for months. He got into a lift jammed full of people and spotted my bump. Without thinking said "what on earth happened to you?".
I PMS laughing and said "I would have thought that was obvious!"
He jumped out very red faced at the next floor!

Ohbollocksandballs · 11/02/2015 15:28

When I announced my pregnancy the office manager said 'you're fucking joking me, you silly girl'. I was 21 at the time, her 40.

Felt like stapling her face.

GokTwo · 11/02/2015 15:35

I agree OP but when I was pregnant with Dd people used to openly ask me "whose the father"!!!!

geekymommy · 11/02/2015 15:47

No, the right question to ask to find out if they want to commiserate is "How are you feeling?" If they're mad about being pregnant and want to share that, they will. If they're happy but having normal pregnancy symptoms, and want to vent about those, they will. If they don't want to talk about it with you, they might just say "fine" or "ok". "How are you feeling" is generally an acceptable question to ask a pregnant woman.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/02/2015 15:55

YANBU. They might as well be asking about your choice of contraception/whether it failed or not. And what does it matter to other people whether it's planned or not?! If they just want to make conversation there are plenty of other things to talk about, surely?

Notrevealingmyidentity · 11/02/2015 15:58

Yes if ever I suspected someone making that announcement was having an unplanned pregnancy my response would be to subtly work out if they were happy about it or how they were feeling and go from there.

Unless it was phrased "oh fuck oh fuck I'm pregnant" or similar then I'd be fairly sure it was a shock.

Viviennemary · 11/02/2015 16:00

Whether you get married or not is up to you. But it doesn't have to be an expensive business so that's a myth. I do think people are cheeky to ask you if the baby is planned but I wouldn't take it too much to heart.

grocklebox · 11/02/2015 16:00

It's poor etiquette but they really are just making conversation. I doubt anyone actually cares very much.

Original poster

happygojo · 11/02/2015 16:01

HAHA Not revealing

The preg was planned and my initial reaction was:

"oh fuck oh fuck I'm pregnant" that was just to the bf though and didn't mean I wasnt thrilled lol!

OP posts:

Horseradishes · 11/02/2015 16:01

I got asked this when I was pregnant, by random colleagues. Apparently because I hadn't splashed around knowledge of my personal life it was assumed I had no partner and it must be a mistake

EagleRay · 11/02/2015 16:03

'Was it an accident?'

'Yes, I tripped over and landed on a dick'

Can't remember where I saw that one but sadly too late to use by then

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