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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL locking kids bedroom door at sleepovers

159 replies

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 19:54

My kids are due to stay at PIL one night this weekend. They stay about 3/4 times a year and look forward to it. I was telling DS1 about it this evening and it came up in conversation that MIL locks them into their bedroom (all three in one room) at night in case they sleepwalk and fall down the stairs. DS1 is 5 so I took it with a pinch of salt as I thought maybe she just pretended she was doing it to stop them coming out of the room. I asked DD (7) later and she told me the same, she says she hears the key turning in the lock and if she needs to go to the bathroom she calls MIL to come up and heard the lock opening. I will ask MIL in a nice way if she does this as she may be only pretending. But DD says she hears the lock turning and I don't see why she would give the excuse of possible sleep walking unless she was really locking them in. Aibu to be furious about this? Their room is upstairs in a dormer while PIL's bedroom is downstairs. I would be so worried if there was a fire and the kids couldn't get out or any number of emergencies.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 21:39

Soon, a baby in a cot is different to locking 3 children in their room at night. It makes access a lot harder if there were a fire, what if PIL loose the key. It prevents the chikdren from accessing the toilet if they need be. The baby is in a cot, but door is open, if there were a fire, open the door and lift baby out. Anyway baby woukdent be able to get very far anyway if they were not in a cot.

ems1910 · 11/02/2015 22:07

My children would not be staying there again. Whether it be my ILs, my own mum or anyone else. They would not be staying there again. Especially with the added information and the old 'oh, we raised 3 kids of our own' bollocks.

ems1910 · 11/02/2015 22:07

Sorry, thought there was only one page! Off to rtft!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/02/2015 10:44

Delighted to read your latest update. Will you come back and let us know how your MIL reacts to the news please as I can't imagine it will be easy for your DH to lay down these new rules to his mother in relation to how your children are to interact with their grandparents. I agree that the new rules are very necessary based on what you've said so far just in case anyone thinks I'm being too lenient in my post.

BouleSheet · 12/02/2015 10:49

My DC is a sleepwalker so we have a stairgate (mainly to alert us - as he can open it - if he is up and running

Original poster
Lima1 · 12/02/2015 15:00

Ok so DH called to their house last night and they said they do lock them in so they won't fall down the stairs and that FIL goes up a few times to tell them to stop getting out of bed and then MIL will go up and threaten the wooden spoon. DH said he would put up a stair gate and they said no he couldn't they didn't want on. They have one at the bottem if the stairs so I can only conclude they are being their typical awkward selves. Dh told them we weren't happy for this to continue and they said it wouldn't change that it was their house and they could do what they like in it. DH said we wouldn't be leaving the kids there anymore.
I'm very angry with DH as he didn't tell them I was angry and they had broken our trust like he promised. He then tried to justify their actions and said they were just solving a problem. I said his mother acts like a dictator and dh said "well so do you", he said I make the rules about what we do as a family. I'm very hurt over this, I run a very tight ship as we both work full time and dh is in college part time too and we have 3 young kids. This means time is tight and I have a routine but I don't think that's being a dictator. I love how he can call me names and stand up to me but totally can't see what control freaks his parents are and stand up to them.
Anyway I told him that as they have no regard to the kids safety or our wishes and have said they won't change that he is not to bring the kids into their house again. ( he brings them over every Sat morning) If they want to see them they must come to our house. This will never happen as she has no control in my house and comes in maybe once a year or less.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lima1 · 12/02/2015 15:02

Sorry about the typos

OP posts:
nikki1978 · 12/02/2015 15:07

Wooden spoon?!!

SukieTuesday · 12/02/2015 15:13

That sounds like something from Ireland in the 1950s. If anyone has a wooden spoon in the vicinity of my DC there had better be a big bowl of cake mix to go with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2015 15:20

Bloody hell, noway in hell would I allow this. At least your dh told them so.

Lweji · 12/02/2015 15:27

They are clearly twats and the children should not be left alone with them, nor under their only influence, but...

Now you are being unreasonable and over the top.

He has already told them (the man who is scared of them) that the children won't sleep overnight on their own at their place.

Now you also want him to tell them you are angry? Tell them yourself.

And you don't want the children to go there at all? Even safely with your OH?

And you called his mother a dictator and he pointed out that you are being one too. Well... I wouldn't class that as calling a name (one you called his mother) and in face of the above, perhaps he has a point.

Plus you insist that they must come to your place to see the children, as they won't come to yours?

Take a deep breath and also take a long look at yourself.

MinceSpy · 12/02/2015 15:42

Your DH rang his parents and they confirmed they do lock the bedroom and use threats of violence to control the children. He has said children won't be staying over. He had no need to say it was because you were angry, he accepted responsibility for the decision himself.
You should be supporting him not having a go at him. If you want to tell the in-laws how you feel then that's up to you. Personally I think you'd be undermining dh.
You call it running a tight ship others call it being a dictator.

Shelby2010 · 12/02/2015 15:56

I imagine OP is angry that her DH started trying to negotiate about stair gates, with the implication that the DC could stay over if the door locking problem was 'solved'. This is obviously not the same 'we won't trust you with our children again' which was what OP thought her DH had agreed to tell them.

LurkingLilly · 12/02/2015 16:03

I think if he worded it as you have in this post (we aren't happy and we won't be allowing the children to stay anymore) then you are being a bit unreasonable. He's stood up to them, it may not be in the way in which you would have but he's done it in his way and the outcome is the one you desired-the children won't be staying, gps are aware they won't be staying and that it's because of their locking the door...its a huge achievement for you dh to stand up to them-believe me, he will still feel the fear of them the same way a child would.

Give him a hug, apologise and thank him for what he has done. Tell him you understand that he has done something big and stood up to them and that you appreciate it. Then explain to him you didn't mean to dictate to him the same way in which they do-you were just scared/angry/hurt at how the children have been treated and want to protect them....he'll appreciate it.

Lweji · 12/02/2015 16:04

Yes, but one thing is what we intend to say and the other how the conversation goes.
I think the OH did well enough and he did say the children aren't staying over. That should be enough for now at least.
Insisting on him telling them how angry the OP is and how disappointed they both are is somewhat dictatorial, particularly with another adult.

Poor man.

Lweji · 12/02/2015 16:04

Sorry, that was in reply to Shelby's post.

Original poster
Lima1 · 12/02/2015 18:09

I am annoyed with dh because when we spoke about what he would say I asked him to make sure he told them I was angry and felt it was a breach of trust and he said he would then didn't but I take the point that I got the outcome I wanted so I should just let it go.
I certainly disagree that running a tight ship is being dictatorial, I take my family's need and wants into consideration, she doesn't. Yes I did call her a name, one she deserves and a lot more, I don't feel I deserved it and if I was being dictatorial it was because unless I forced him to act as he did he would never do it himself, he would have said nothing and continued as normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lima1 · 12/02/2015 18:10

Sorry I meant up add the reason I asked him to say how I felt was because he doesn't want me to contact them myself.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/02/2015 18:17

Why do you think he doesnt want you to contact them?

Because he is scared of the fall out from his mother if you tell her exactly what you think of her doing this and threatening your kids with hitting them?

Original poster
Lima1 · 12/02/2015 18:21

Sorry really tired here, I meant to say that him not saying those things isn't just why I'm annoyed, it was also because he doesn't see what they did was wrong, he was justifying it and basically saying I was overreacting simply because I don't like that. It's a combination of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lima1 · 12/02/2015 18:23

Yes bogey face, and I accepted that because I probably would tell her out straight. As a compromise he was to tell her how I felt so she would know, but me and her would be having it out iykwim.

OP posts:
MojaveWanderer123 · 12/02/2015 18:34

And that would be the last time they ever stayed again if anyone, anyone at all did that to my kids.

Dogsmom · 12/02/2015 19:38

I understand you're angry but your husband probably felt caught between a rock and a hard place and it must've been a really awkward conversation for him to have with his parents but he did tell them he wasn't happy with them being locked in and that they couldn't stay again, I agree with a previous poster that it should be you who tells them if you're angry.

It's not fair on them or the kids though to be used as pawns and to not even allow daytime visits, they are family and should see each other, the inlaws wont be around forever and should have a relationship with their grandkids.

There was a problem with them being locked in and it's now solved, it's pouring salt into the wound to prohibit all visits.

pommedeterre · 12/02/2015 19:42

That's a bit weird if it's hard to say - don't lock my kids in a room at night and don't threaten to hit them. who gives a shit who you're saying it to, it's a statement of non abuse not a request.
Your dh needs to man the fuck up.
He also should shut up about you running a tight ship if the aim is the space for him to study. In my view he's taking the piss massively.

littleleftie · 12/02/2015 19:45

What is the wooden spoon all about - does she hit your children or threaten to hit them? Shock

I agree with you totally OP they cannot possibly look after DC again ever.

I would be very concerned though that DH seems more worried about upsetting his mummy than about upsetting you. I hope he can stick to his guns and doesn't start taking them round there "in secret" or starts wavering when MIL puts on the pressure.