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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL locking kids bedroom door at sleepovers

159 replies

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 19:54

My kids are due to stay at PIL one night this weekend. They stay about 3/4 times a year and look forward to it. I was telling DS1 about it this evening and it came up in conversation that MIL locks them into their bedroom (all three in one room) at night in case they sleepwalk and fall down the stairs. DS1 is 5 so I took it with a pinch of salt as I thought maybe she just pretended she was doing it to stop them coming out of the room. I asked DD (7) later and she told me the same, she says she hears the key turning in the lock and if she needs to go to the bathroom she calls MIL to come up and heard the lock opening. I will ask MIL in a nice way if she does this as she may be only pretending. But DD says she hears the lock turning and I don't see why she would give the excuse of possible sleep walking unless she was really locking them in. Aibu to be furious about this? Their room is upstairs in a dormer while PIL's bedroom is downstairs. I would be so worried if there was a fire and the kids couldn't get out or any number of emergencies.

OP posts:

ILovePud · 10/02/2015 20:38

The duvet thing is daft but the bigger issue is that you and DH can't address these problems with them, you have to be comfortable raising this kind of thing with people you are entrusting the care of your children too. I get that you're trying to be the bigger person and not let your feelings towards your PIL interfere with your DC relationships with them but the fact you feel they hate you does ring alarm bells for me, what have you done to deserve hatred? I'm guessing nothing and that this is yet another example of them being unsuitable people to be looking after the kids.

apostropheuse · 10/02/2015 20:39

You absolutely cannot put your children at risk so that you can get a night out. That would be obscene and obviously something no loving parent would do.

In the circumstances you describe I would not allow my children to stay over. They are at risk of physical and psychological damage.

Please don't do it.

Original poster

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 20:40

Fluffy cloud - God no I'm not saying that, sure how could I relax, there is no way that's what I mean. I mean do I hit the roof and they never mind them again or say nothing and always have them minded in our house but now I worry is their safety at risk even in my house.

OP posts:

Awakeagain · 10/02/2015 20:40

Yanbu
I can understand her wanting them to be safe but this is not the way to do it
Could you suggest/give her a baby gate perhaps as surely the dc couldn't sleep open it!
They could still call for mil to get them if it makes her feel better but absolutely not acceptable to lock them in

WillBeatFebruaryBlues · 10/02/2015 20:42

awake how many children go to bed without a locked door and stairs, the over riding risk here is fire.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 10/02/2015 20:43

That's an incredibly weird and dangerous thing to do to a child. I hope you can have a productive conversation, God knows I find it hard to challenge my MIL.

ILovePud · 10/02/2015 20:45

With a well intentioned but misguided grandparent suggesting stair gates and explaining recent advice on duvets and not laying babies face down would be the best course of action but Lima1 has described PIL who hate her, use anger as a tool to manipulate others and who she feels will go against her advice just to defy her, so I don't think they'll be amenable to reasonable suggestions.

apostropheuse · 10/02/2015 20:45

If they hate you then isn't there a risk that the children will pick up on that?

If you're husband's terrified of them - why? Are they going to strike terror in their grandchildren too?

I really cannot understand why you would want to leave them unsupervised with your children.

londonrach · 10/02/2015 20:46

Yanbu. Your mil locks them in. How would your mil like being locked in like being in prison. What if you really needed the toilet and mil didnt hear. Sorry if i had children they wouldnt be staying overnight at someone who locked them in!

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/02/2015 20:46

I just don't think they sound stable, locking your kids in, your husband being scared of them & you thinking that they hate you all make me think that they shouldn't be in sole charge of your children, who knows what else they're doing/saying?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 10/02/2015 20:46

Why on earth would you put a night out above your children's safety? After the duvet thing, contact alone should have stopped.

Get a paid sitter if you can't live without a night out.

Andrewofgg · 10/02/2015 20:47

Just No. If they have to stop sleeping there - still No. And mean it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/02/2015 20:48

Come on! They shouldn't be looking after your kids at all if they are manipulative, dangerous loons as you say.

Original poster

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 20:48

I have two stair gates but don't really need the bottom one anymore and could offer it. I don't know, I feel like I won't relax anyway wondering if they have decided to do some other dangerous thing. I'm leaning towards hitting the roof and to he'll with it. I feel sick thinking they were locked in.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/02/2015 20:48

Oh good cos you had me worried then.

They wouldn't mind them again if it was me. Ever. It wouldn't matter where they were, people like this don't change.

Don't be bullied by them or anyone else.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2015 20:52

I would not trust even with the stairgate, that they would not lock the kids in.

Notagainmun · 10/02/2015 20:52

I wouldn't be leaving my DC with anyone I didn't trust to keep them safe, espcially if they hated me.

Bogeyface · 10/02/2015 20:53

Whatever you say they are going to hit the roof, I think that is a given, and yes they will probably not sit for you again.

So bearing all that in mind, you might as well go full on nuclear cos it wont make things worse.

And FYI, I also wouldnt allow a woman who hated me to spend time alone with my kids. Thats why my MIL sees my DD once every three months or so with H in attendance and she is not left alone with her for a second.

ClaudetteWyms · 10/02/2015 20:56

I think the fact your DH is scared of his own parents tells you all you need to know about them. I would never let people like these have my DC without me being present - short supervised "family" visits only.

MinceSpy · 10/02/2015 20:57

I'd cancel the night out, I just couldn't leave my children knowing they might be locked in room just to spite me.

wigglylines · 10/02/2015 20:58

"they are our only babysitters and if they are gone then pretty much we don't get anymore nights out which are few and far between as it is."

We don't know anyone well enough where we live to ask for baby-sitting favours. Nor can we afford to pay anyone. So we don't go out in the evenings. Or, if we do, it's not together. It's not the end of the world. At some point we may know people well enough to swap babysitting, or be able to afford a babysitter. Until then we make do.

Please don't let the fact they're your only babysitters have any sway on how you deal with this issue, it's not at all relevant to your children's safety.

OfficerVanHalen · 10/02/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HicDraconis · 10/02/2015 21:11

"Sure haven't they brought up 3 kids already" - yes and one of them is terrified of them, I'm not sure that's a great advert for their parenting skills.

The locking in thing is absolutely a no in my book, I wouldn't be happy with that at all. The wider issue is that you say they hate you, your DH is terrified of them - whether they use locks on doors or not I wouldn't want my children looked after by these people. Why would you want them near your family? I know what you mean about nights out but you can do good nights in with your children safely upstairs, DVD, takeaway, whatever.

We have no family within half a world of us and we go out once or twice a year, with a babysitter who is also a qualified nanny but does some sitting in the evenings for extra cash. Could you find someone like that near you?

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2015 21:16

Right OP, if this were me (and i do hate confrontation, so i know how it feels) ...

I would never ever again let the kids overnight at PILs house. Next time the subject of babysitting comes up i would ask them to do it at your house. If/when they ask why, i would calmly explain that the DCs have told you that they get locked in, and you don't like that. If the PIL start to kick off just calmly cancel the whole babysitting idea full stop. For real i mean. Not as a way to get your own way.

2 Only you can know if there is any risk to the kids at your house under the care of PIL. Do you have lockable bedroom doors? etc.

ImperialBlether · 10/02/2015 21:23

Lima, I have sent you a PM.

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