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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL locking kids bedroom door at sleepovers

159 replies

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 19:54

My kids are due to stay at PIL one night this weekend. They stay about 3/4 times a year and look forward to it. I was telling DS1 about it this evening and it came up in conversation that MIL locks them into their bedroom (all three in one room) at night in case they sleepwalk and fall down the stairs. DS1 is 5 so I took it with a pinch of salt as I thought maybe she just pretended she was doing it to stop them coming out of the room. I asked DD (7) later and she told me the same, she says she hears the key turning in the lock and if she needs to go to the bathroom she calls MIL to come up and heard the lock opening. I will ask MIL in a nice way if she does this as she may be only pretending. But DD says she hears the lock turning and I don't see why she would give the excuse of possible sleep walking unless she was really locking them in. Aibu to be furious about this? Their room is upstairs in a dormer while PIL's bedroom is downstairs. I would be so worried if there was a fire and the kids couldn't get out or any number of emergencies.

OP posts:

Littlecaf · 10/02/2015 21:33

Erm, while I'm reading this, on my phone there are adverts for 'fire safety locks' running across the top of the screen. Really not appropriate MN!

jalopyjane · 10/02/2015 21:38

Do you know.for a fact there is a lock.and key? My 5 year old refers to a door being locked when it's closed firmly so that the latch clicks into place. Our door handles are high so she does need us to open them for her too, but she's not actually locked in anywhere ever.

Maybe just check the facts before making any big decisions!

anothernumberone · 10/02/2015 21:38

Are they window locks liitlecaf ? they allow firemen to open them while kids don't fall out of upstairs windows.

Original poster

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 21:42

I have many times been very tempted to cut all contact but haven't for Dh and the kids sake. I have tried not to let my dislike for them affect other relationships. When I say they hate me, they are outwardly civil but I know MIL can't stand me and we have had many fights over the years. I have agonised over whether or not I wanted our kids to have a relationship with them but I felt what harm was there in it and its a big decision to cut ties. The kids do seem to like them but they can be very strict at times ( I forgot that ds1 also said he can't call MIL during the night because she said she will come up with a wooden spoon, was this in jest or for real, I don't know , but ds1 believed it).
Dh is afraid of them but also blinded somewhat to their faults, he can excuse a lot of what they do (he will excuse the wooden spoon comment for sure). Dh adores his father and would hate for the kids not to have a relationship with him. I personally think his father is a spineless coward who is afraid of MIL and is therefore just as bad and was equally complicit in locking the doors.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 10/02/2015 21:42

YANBU.
I'm fairly relaxed about most things, but that's bonkers it's so dangerous.

Littlecaf · 10/02/2015 21:46

No idea, another, there were two, one for 'fire safety locks' and another for a company supplying locks..... I didn't get a chance to click before they scrolled onto something else. Presumably it was just cookies, but it seemed a little out of place. I'll try & screen shot if I see them again.

Best of luck OP, bring it up gently with your PIL. Then make a decision whether you are happy with their answer -only you and DH can make that choice whether they sleep over again.

CharityD · 10/02/2015 21:47

I've no kids, but I actually felt sick reading your OP, at the thought of someone locking a door on children. So dangerous. YANBU.

Original poster

Lima1 · 10/02/2015 21:49

Jalopyjane, I will definitely ask in a nice way just in case she isn't locking them in but DD is adamant she hears the key turning, but she could be mistaken. Ill tread carefully just in case, then let loose.

OP posts:

ahbollocks · 10/02/2015 21:50

OP. Why the actual fuck are you letting these people look after your kids?! Your dh is scared of them, they are locked in their room and threatened with a spoon if thwy make a fuss.. seriously. Grow some lady balls and just say no.

Littlecaf · 10/02/2015 21:54

They are for Fire Brigade locks - screen shot attached. Still seems odd though, adverts cashing in on someone's problem or worry.

MIL locking kids bedroom door at sleepovers

SallySolomon · 10/02/2015 22:00

This! Christ on a bike. No way on earth would I be letting them babysit my two - no night out would ever be worth it!
I'd rather stay in than let them look after my kids!

elQuintoConyo · 10/02/2015 22:00

I've been reading this thinking 'how dangerous' but the wooden spoon threat has made my blood run cold.

I would go NC now, quite frankly.

Dreadful, dreadful woman.

SallySolomon · 10/02/2015 22:02

This! Christ on a bike. No way on earth would I be letting them babysit my two - no night out would ever be worth it!
I'd rather stay in than let them look after my kids!

Lweji · 10/02/2015 22:05

do you honestly think she will be honest, either about doing it now or (worse) about doing it in future. Or that she won't threaten your DCs not to tell?

Just don't allow them there unsupervised.

anothernumberone · 10/02/2015 22:08

The wooden spoon makes me suspect mil is Irish. Not excusing it but they were the idle threat of an entire generation. Mind you most GM I know seemed to have left it at their own kids and they are too busy spoiling gkids rotten to continue the idle threat to the next generation.

CuddlesfromChickens · 10/02/2015 22:14

I do not understand the seeming MN tendency to think that your children need to stay overnight in order to have a relationship with their GPs.

These are not proper people to be babysitting your children. See them for supervised, afternoon tea type visits if it helps your DH keep things on an even keel but not overnight or alone.

sleeponeday · 10/02/2015 22:33

Fine, you don't want to cut contact, but why the hell are you letting these people look after the kids unsupervised?!

Basic rule of thumb: would you be reasonably happy to pay this person as a childminder. If not, then supervise contact.

And if someone is too toxic for you and your husband to handle easily, as grown adults, then think about what they must be like in a position of complete power over very young children.

Being a relative doesn't excuse all else. I'd start that babysitting club - or look into saving for a really, really good home cinema system. I would not be allowing my kids to stay with someone aggressive, scary and dangerous, though, let alone overnight.

sleeponeday · 10/02/2015 22:38

His parents are loons and he is afraid if them and will be shi**ing himself asking them..... I can't trust them not to lock them in, she hates me and would probably do it just to defy me......he will be dreading it cos they are the type to hit the roof..... DH is scared of them because they overreact

This is actually really upsetting. He's scared of the extreme aggression they show when challenged, but you don't think that's a problem in leaving them defenceless and alone overnight with someone who threatens to beat them with a wooden spoon if they make noise at night, and who they are convinced locks them in to sleep? Seriously?

They are locking very small children into a room overnight and threatening them so they don't call for help if scared at night, and YOU are scared of even raising it? They should be scared of you knowing about it!

I just can't imagine exposing my kids to this. What happens as they grow up just as scared of their grandparents? And what will you say, if in years to come they ask why you exposed them to this, knowing what the GP were like?

Lweji · 10/02/2015 22:40

The problem with the wooden spoon is that the DCs may be scared of calling anyone even if there is a problem or a danger. Not good at all.
Would you be happy for them to sleep in a pool of sick or pee because they were afraid of calling your MIL? Or if they are not feeling well?

RaspberryRuffle · 10/02/2015 22:41

I personally think his father is a spineless coward who is afraid of MIL and is therefore just as bad and was equally complicit in locking the doors.
Like father, like son.
If this has been the norm then it might be difficult for your DH to stand up to his mother in general BUT you both need to grow a backbone and stand up for your young children.
Can you not go out for the evening and get a babysitter in your house? The children will be asleep when you get home if you want some sex time to yourselves.

Lweji · 10/02/2015 22:41

They should be scared of you knowing about it!

This. Very much.

Icimoi · 10/02/2015 23:41

How does having them look after the children at your house prevent this happening? Even if you take the keys, they may still do something daft like jamming a chair under the handle.

minipie · 10/02/2015 23:51

What would worry me most is these are the two bad things you know about. (three if you include the wooden spoon thing, four if you include the fact your DH is terrified of them).

What else do PILs do and not do that you haven't found out yet? For example are medicines and bleach locked away? Do they smack them? Who else is in the house when your DC are there? If they are loons as you say, what opinions are they passing on to your DC? etc.

I wouldn't cut all contact but I'd not leave the dc alone with the PILs - certainly not in their house and probably not in yours.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2015 23:55

Op your dh is shit scared of them to confront them, think how 3 young children will feel being at their mercy. If your dd said she heard a key being turned, than trust her, she told op she has to call mil if she wants the toilet at night, so they are locked in. They threaten with a wooden spoon if the children call, op noway in the month of Sunday's should you trust these people to look after your children. Stop appeasing them, and put your dcs first.

SallySolomon · 11/02/2015 00:00

If you really don't want to cut contact, do it so you just go over for Sunday lunch and a chat/sociable visit every week. You get to see them once a week, everyone mingles and gets on -with you there-- and has fun.
Everyone sees each other, family contact isn't compromised, and they don't get to foist their scary shit stuff on the dcs whether it's by locking them in, threatening them with a spoon or whatever.
if you're happy to let THAT carry on!

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