...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)

[Floundering]

Fifty Shades of Shite

Can't believe the naivety and abuse deniers on here and amongst my friends.

DV campaigners such as Womens Aid & National Centre for Domestic Violence are urging people not to see this film.

It is not "just a piece of fun" it normalises abusive, controlling relationships as sexy, and it really bothers me so many women are colluding in supporting such crap that could hurt other more vulnerable women.

The BDSM community are frothing too as if done properly between 2 consenting adults with lots of planning, mutual respect and lots of affection and downtime after it can, for some, apparently be mindblowing. ( doesn't lift my skirt but respect those who do enjoy) this is not portrayed safely in this film.

But that does not mean that everyone who fantasised about it is evil or will do it

Lwegi yes the op points this out and some of us disagree that it either influences or causes abuse as it's a light trashy novel and the vast majority of women and men can read/watch films like this and accept that it's not real.

Clearly I wasn't referring to those who discuss the effect regarding abuse.

If your argument is someone somewhere will be affected then all films and books would he banned.
It's not how the book itself may affect, and certainly that it shouldn't be banned, but the public glorification of it. It's not literature, and certainly not a relationship to be aspired to.
I like quite gory books and tv/films, but I certainly wouldn't say at any point that I aspire to be in the abusive relationships that they depict. Which some people seem to be (not in this thread).

well, we wouldn't condone someone for fantacising about sex with a child would we? in fact mn'ers take a dim view of these schoolgirl type porn sites where most of the actresses are above consent but are still roleplaying schoolgirls.

The thing with saying fantacy is fine is that you can't then draw a line can you. If you are fantacising about being raped in your consenting relationship and roleplaying that out then that is ok in your head. Yet your next door neighbour might be fantacising about having sex with a child in his/her consenting relationship and roleplaying that out. You probably wouldn't be comfortable with that in your relationship but they might, and if its consenting and no actual children are involved is that wrong?

Fantacising itself isn't a crime. But what you fantacise about says a lot about the kind of person you are. If you are a man fantacising about raping women I don't particularly care whether you live that out or not, you're not the kind of man I would want anywhere near my life.

Mary's I believe people are defending their sexual practices on this thread because they feel they have to.

It has been compared to actual rape, child abuse, insest etc.

My dh was called a rapist.

I can't really think of a better reason to defend your own preferences in the face of massive ignorance about them.

Also I think that some of the examples of controls and emotional abuse that people have used sent the discussion the way it has gone.

They are things that I have experienced/ orchestrated for myself. I disagreed with them being called abuse.

Jesus Christ on a byke it's a fucking book!! It's not real and not to be taken seriously. Like Harry potter!

It's like twilight for the menopausal.

Have a grip.

sliced it is being compared to those things because people on here are defending the right to fantacise about those things. apparently, as long as it's only a fantacy then anything goes.

Remember Joanna Yeates? she was murdered by someone who fantacised about strangulation during sex and one day he went into her flat and lived out his fantacy. Imagine that. If you are twisted enough to fantacise about raping someone then at some point there is a risk you might carry that out.

Someone fantacising about being raped makes me rather than anything else, because no-one should have so little value for themselves that they see violation as something to be romanticised - it isn't. There is a vast difference between wanting to be held down, restrained tied up, whipped etc (I don't get it but to each their own), and fantacising about being raped.

While we defend the right to fantacise about rape rapists will defend their right to rape.

I didn't 'think' my dp was called a rapist.

Scroll back a few pages.

He WAS called a rapist.

And I am apparently incapable of being able to tell if I have been raped or not.

Don't feel sad for me because I like being forced.

I actually have been raped, properly physically injured, mentally scarred raped.

And let me tell you, there is a world of fucking difference between that and liking to be forced or whatever the fetish is.

Yet your next door neighbour might be fantacising about having sex with a child in his/her consenting relationship and roleplaying that out.You probably wouldn't be comfortable with that in your relationship but they might, and if its consenting and no actual children are involved is that wrong?

Of course its not wrong? Again, consenting adults and fantasises.

Yes, I think the whole "is BDSM a good thing or not" thing is a red herring because, as far as I can tell, the problematic issues in the book/film aren't BDSM, or not as I'd understand it.

YES! This is what I was trying to say and took about 100000 words to do it

Try the post after that.

Where she said my dh was in the eyes of the law a rapist.

I stated that by pre arranged consent my dh would surprise me with anal whether I fancied it or not, and as I also discussed this is something that I specifically asked for as it arouses me. At which point I would be consenting.

You can think I am being as insincere as you like Maryz, I really couldn't give a toss.

I'm here discussing something important to my life that I think was being ignorantly discussed.

I just really cannot see the points.

wannabe if consenting adults act out fantasies of rape, incest, or whatever then that's fine and in the law.

If a man goes out and rapes and strangles someone else that's not a fantasy that's a reality!

Seriously really you must must see the difference.

And your point that if women talk about their rape fantasies so rapists can defend their right to rape is quite frankly ridiculous.

It's on a par with a woman wearing a short skirt was asking for it.

Disgraceful argument.

Anyone can and should be able to fantasise about anything but clearly they are not able to act out those fantasies unless another adult fully consents.

Fantasy/reality.

Gosh dirty little fantasies and all manner of nasty sex acts between adults shouldn't be allowed.

Good god I thought people who thought like this were long gone along with those advocating castrstion for homosexuals.

We don't seem to have come far from the days of Allen Turuin.

Really shocked at the attitudes on here.

That anal sex consent and rapist dh was directed at me I think but I didn't mean in the space of one act not my own change of mind and a discussion before hand.

Wannabe I don't care what my neighbours fantasise and role-playing I have better things to do. It says nothing on a person's character and it is not a crime to have fantasies

Do you really not see a difference?

A woman has sex with a man and consents on that occasion. The man forces her to have sex afterwards when she doesn't want to. The woman feels abused, violated and is a victim = rape

A woman has sex with a man. That woman really enjoys being 'forced' so requests that the man do so within a predetermined range of time. The man does so. Both parties enjoy it = not fucking rape

I don't think I'm the one not thinking it through.

And seriously do some people feel the need to reinvent the wheel with their husbands of many years and start signing consent forms in the bedroom.

If sliced and her dh have this relationship of course it's not rape. It's their thing.

If she felt it was rape presumably she would say so.

How fucking patronising!

Yes the BDSM bit isn't really the problem here is it? As someone said up thread, it's not the story, it's the pitch. At no point in the marketing of this book or film has it ever been alluded to that Christian's behaviour is not healthy. It's just 'romantic' - he really wants her

The fact is that Ana and Christian's relationship is not just normalised, it's held up as something 'romantic', something to be aspired to. It's being released on Valentine's weekend, there are huge pop stars on the soundtrack singing 'love me like you do, l-l-l-love me like you do', there is merchandise galore. You only have to go on one of the 'Fifty Shades' Facebook pages to see that grown women are lapping up this shit.

As for the 'virgins aren't naive and do know what they want sexually' - well the whole point is that Ana is naive and inexperienced and he 'educates' her

As an aside, I would have thought it prudent for any couple to have a safeword, for when "hang on, ssh, is that DC2 on the landing?" is too wordy.

Or there could be a situation in BDSM where you mean "don't stop spanking me, but I need to move because my leg has gone to sleep and it's uncomfortable" or "you're holding me too hard and you'll break a rib if you aren't careful".

I can see how a safe word could spoil it for someone who is turned on by the idea of absolute control (having or ceding) but surely it's a rarely-used backup, like knowing CPR.