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Original poster

...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)

999 replies

Floundering · 10/02/2015 09:13

Fifty Shades of Shite

Can't believe the naivety and abuse deniers on here and amongst my friends.

DV campaigners such as Womens Aid & National Centre for Domestic Violence are urging people not to see this film.

It is not "just a piece of fun" it normalises abusive, controlling relationships as sexy, and it really bothers me so many women are colluding in supporting such crap that could hurt other more vulnerable women.

The BDSM community are frothing too as if done properly between 2 consenting adults with lots of planning, mutual respect and lots of affection and downtime after it can, for some, apparently be mindblowing. ( doesn't lift my skirt but respect those who do enjoy) this is not portrayed safely in this film.

...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)
OP posts:
FloraFox · 11/02/2015 09:18

No sliced, you're trying to read something that isn't there. I don't personally like homosexuality in the sense that I don't want to do it, doesn't do anything for me. However it is a positive experience of sexuality for lesbians and gay men so I value it. There are lots of things I don't want to do that I think have value for other people or are neutral. BDSM is not the only think I think has negative value, I also don't value pissing or shitting on other people. I don't see that as a positive experience for either party.

It's easier though to avoid thinking through a disagreement by writing off the other person as a prude or moralist.

Nancy some forms of discrimination and hate speech are illegal but racism and homophobia themselves are not illegal.

NancyRaygun · 11/02/2015 09:20

ANYHOO: reviews are in and, it sounds like its a rather "vanilla" film. The reviewer even calls it funny and sweet: More at home in the camp fun with B&Q ropes aisle than anything sinister...

www.theguardian.com/film/2015/feb/10/fifty-shades-of-grey-review-first-look

FloraFox · 11/02/2015 09:20

pineapple so you have a safe word which means you are playing at rape, not actually doing it.

sliced you don't say if you have a safe word and no, you can't decide if you are being raped, it's a legal concept that requires you to consent at the time. If you have no way of communicating your actual consent, you are being raped. If you do have a way of communicating your actual consent, you are just playing at being raped.

Lovely.

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:21

You can have positive and negative bdsm just like you can have positive and negative discrimination and prejudice regardless of whether you believe it is possible. Just because it has no value to you does not mean it has no value to others.

TheOneRing · 11/02/2015 09:21

In a relationship you can tell the difference between your partner saying no and when they say NO! I won't have bdsm with anyone who I was not in a long term relationship and didn't trust.

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 09:22

Comparing it to rape is wrong. They are very different, though in can see why pre consent may be missing the waters for some.

Rape is a horrific violation, that hurts, mentally tortures and scars. There are no positive attributes or titilation to be found for the victim.

Bdsm, rough sex, pre consent to being forced or whatever you want to call it is very different. There is no victim, there is no mental trauma. There is however two consenting (pre or not) adults.

I feel very safe and loved when I am with DH. Comparing the feelings of that to actual real rape is ridiculous.

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 09:23

Bloody ipad 'muddying' the waters.

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:24

Okay I may have embellished a little I have no safe word and never have my husband knows the difference Between when I say no and when I mean no yes it's a fine line but a lot of the time I say no but actually I prefer it if he continues its not related to rape fantasy for me as it is to do with my own enjoyment a nd actually enjoying a little bit more of one act than I actually realise not a tie me down and stag me when I say no don't thing it's complicated

LikeIcan · 11/02/2015 09:25

I haven't read the books & I won't be seeing the film, I just imagin it to be updated Jackie Collins type shite.

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 09:28

I do not have a safe word no.

To be honest neither dh or I would say we practice bdsm. We do what we want to.

However I am safe with DH. If there was a time I really did not want to do anything of course dh would not do it.

WannaBe · 11/02/2015 09:28

pre consent is often used as a defence in rape trials is it not? "she agreed to have sex with me before she got drunk and passed out but she'd agreed so I went ahead anyway."

there shouldn't be such a term as "pre consent." You might give an idea that something is on the cards but you reserve the right to say no at any point. consent is an ongoing state and should never be viewed otherwise.

If people enjoy being forcefully penetrated or tied up or gagged or dominated or whatever else then go ahead. but it shouldn't be normalised. so what you agree to in the privacy of your bedroom or your torture chamber should remain that - private.

TheOneRing · 11/02/2015 09:29

You choose have bdsm you don't choose rape. People who do bdsm know what they are there for. You can't compare it to rape or anything else, to do so degrades rape and bdsm.

Maryz · 11/02/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hamiltoes · 11/02/2015 09:35

*And I've seen films with rape in

Ban all them too?*

Films with rape in them are totally acceptable. Hell, some people might even get off on them. Still can't think of a single film where rape is packaged up as just a couple who hardly know each other dabbling in BDSM Hmm

Maryz · 11/02/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:40

granted in not every relationship people can tell the difference but that is certainly the case in mine and I am not being raped purely because I say no and my husband understands that I don't really mean it

TheOneRing · 11/02/2015 09:42

in a relationship there is an understanding between the two consenting adults. If any of you can't tell the difference of when your husband/wife says no and NO then I would say that you don't know each other very well.

Hamiltoes · 11/02/2015 09:42

Do we believe that the desire to inflict violence that would normally be considered torture is a positive attribute, to be encouraged and freely explored

No, but we have to recognise there are people out their who are different, and who actually enjoy the physical feeling of pain. I don't think these people should just be discarded with murderers and criminals, because they are different.

TheOneRing · 11/02/2015 09:42

And shouldn't do bdsm.

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:43

Thank you hamiltoes

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 09:46

How hard would it be to come up with a safe word? Or does having that level of control make it too vanilla for you? If I were a man I would not want the responsibility of knowing whether your no was a "no" "No" or "NO". Ridiculous.

WannaBe · 11/02/2015 09:47

it should be easy enough - no is a complete sentence.

This idea that no can be seen as yes should never be perpetuated in the public domain. If people are engaging in those sorts of practices and are consenting in doing so then yes, those should be kept private. something to be ashamed of? possibly not but imo certainly not something which people should be proud to discuss publically.

apparently b&q staff have been told to watch the film because they're expecting an increase in sales of rope and the like. Hmm

Maryz · 11/02/2015 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 10:00

Have just seen a TV trailer for it - the romance angle seems to be being stressed.
Envy - vomit, not envy!

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 10:01

It's not hard to come up with a safe word it just feels silly to me and I don't like it not because it's too vanilla as you out it as I enjoy vanilla sex in which I may say I no I don't really mean. It's just what works for me and in our relationship it is not needed