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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)

999 replies

Floundering · 10/02/2015 09:13

Fifty Shades of Shite

Can't believe the naivety and abuse deniers on here and amongst my friends.

DV campaigners such as Womens Aid & National Centre for Domestic Violence are urging people not to see this film.

It is not "just a piece of fun" it normalises abusive, controlling relationships as sexy, and it really bothers me so many women are colluding in supporting such crap that could hurt other more vulnerable women.

The BDSM community are frothing too as if done properly between 2 consenting adults with lots of planning, mutual respect and lots of affection and downtime after it can, for some, apparently be mindblowing. ( doesn't lift my skirt but respect those who do enjoy) this is not portrayed safely in this film.

...to ask MN-ers NOT to join in this glorification of domestic abuse? (contains spoilers)

OP posts:

FloraFox · 11/02/2015 08:38

Btw, I agree with Charleston's thoughtful post above.

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 08:38

I think I'd like the right to be able to decide for myself if pre consent exists for ME or not.

I LIKE being 'forced' to do something. That's my thing. I could understand the anger if I was saying that everyone should feel the same as me. I'm not, but I would just like to point out there are people who enjoy certain things because they just do, not because they are weak, abused etc.

Flora DH is certainly not a racist. You like what you like. We like what we like. Don't try to force your own morals or standards on other consenting adults. If you don't like the book don't watch the film, and I think people are quite within their rights to be annoyed at being told what they shouldn't watch, shouldn't like or shouldn't do.

BeyondDoesBootcamp · 11/02/2015 08:40

Just want to add another vote to the boycotting side.

And want to add that its funny how many of the "i read it, its fine, get a grip" posters also say "what rape?"...

Bakeoffcakes · 11/02/2015 08:44

I agree with you OP.

I read the most of the first book and couldn't believe what I was reading. Not becasue of the shit way it's written but because Mr Grey is a controlling, mysoginistic abuser. I hated it.

BeyondDoesBootcamp · 11/02/2015 08:44

Note, a vote to boycott, not ban. Makes me very sad how many people will watch it and see a romance film though.

FloraFox · 11/02/2015 08:47

Sliced I thought you liked being forced to do things?

But of course no-one here is forcing their own morals or standards on you. The OP and others are asking people to think about this and the impact on wider society.

It's like if someone is saying everyone should recycle and some people shout "stop forcing me to recycle! don't force your views on me".

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 08:48

Flora you said (not actually weak and.vulnerable) but that these women were influenced by society nd the media and that it something we shouldn't want to practice

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 08:52

The consensual murder is a fine and difficult line to argue and not one I wish to discuss as I feel somewhere in the middle and can argue both sides without actually choosing one. Pre-cpnsent to sex however is possible and there is nothing wrong with it if it's what your into

MoanCollins · 11/02/2015 08:53

I'm not going to go and see this because it's all rotten, cheesy tasteless stuff. Apparently the film is going to be dreadful. I'm really wondering what the purpose is if a boycott by people who weren't going to go and see the film anyway? It's not going to hurt it financially.

I rather suspect that the papers will pick up on this and the net result is going to be an awful lot of free publicity for a pretty terrible movie. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the publicists had a hand in the OP...

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 08:53

Very funny. Yes I do like being forced, how witty.

You called my DH a rapist. Is that not you using your own moral standards to judge us?

I think the 'impact' of a film that is morally reprehensible to some people on wider society is being somewhat exaggerated.

The same as the slasher films will make everyone want to go around killing, or train spotting turned everyone in to hard core drug users.

NancyRaygun · 11/02/2015 08:55

Ask MNers to choose not to join in with the glorification of domestic abuse that is perpetuated by the book and therefore, presumably, the film

so: don't go buy the book and don't see the film. I think I'll decide that thank you - and then if I watch it I will decide - using my brain- about its content.

I think someone upthread mentioned the marketing of the FILM (not the book) and I would agree that it is inappropriate: all the domestic product tie ins make it seem acceptable and mainstream to practice bondage as outlined in the book i.e. barely consensual, abusive arguably.

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 08:57

Euthanasia is mercy killing, killing to benefit the person who is suffering etc.
Pre-consent is what we always used to have - you consented to marriage, ergo you consented to sex. Do we want to go back to that?

NancyRaygun · 11/02/2015 08:58

Possible - nice lot of frothing click bait about it from "the Mums". I agree a boycott by our demographic is meaningless: what parent has time to go to the flipping CINEMA!!??

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 08:59

Consenting to marriage isn't consenting to sex you can however consent to be pretend abducted by your oh at an unknown time if that's what your in to

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 09:00

Pineapple it's not that long ago that rape in marriage actually became illegal, before that you were seen as always consenting. That was my point.

FloraFox · 11/02/2015 09:01

Everyone is influenced by society, the media and their personal experiences. Yes I think BDSM is something with no positive value and lots of negative ones. I haven't said anything about what people should or shouldn't want to practice but simply wanting something doesn't make it a good thing. I might quite like to try heroin, I'm sure it feels very nice but it would be harmful to me and I don't want to live in a society where people are lying around off their faces from morning til night so I'd rather other people didn't do it either.

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:02

I understand and accept your point but it is possible to pre consent days or weeks in advance

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:04

But that is your view of bdsm it isn't harmful and psychologically can be extremely helpful. Psychologically it is not always linked to sex and can be better for some peoples mental health than resisting the urge. Their are mental health benefits from doing it so where it may only be negative to you to others it is purely positive.

TheOneRing · 11/02/2015 09:05

If you boycott one film because it has a theme that a group does not like then we should boycott every film as there will all ways be a theme that a group does not like. This post is like a game of tennis!

FloraFox · 11/02/2015 09:07

Sliced you brought up pre-consent. If you mean your DH will have anal sex with you when you are not consent at the time he is a rapist under the law.

Being free to do something doesn't mean you are free from judgement from others. This is AIBU after all, the universe's spiritual home of judgement. I judge people for lots of things that are not illegal e.g. misogyny, racism, homophobia. Am I not to judge those things by my own moral standards?

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 09:08

Exactly Flora.

You feel that sexual practices that you don't like have no positive value. Many others however would say that it does have a very positive value, to them.

Just because you would rather not do it does not mean the rest of society can't.

And while sex is maybe as fun as heroin (wouldn't know) I don't think it's impact on society can be compared.

NancyRaygun · 11/02/2015 09:09

Racism and homophobia ARE illegal aren't they??

FloraFox · 11/02/2015 09:12

pineapple but it is possible to pre consent days or weeks in advance

This is very wrong in law and also very dangerous. Consent to sex can be withdrawn at any time. "Pre-consent" is only possible if the consent continues up to and during the sex. That means "pre-consent" is not actually meaningful because it is only the continuation of the consent that makes it not rape. If the consent is not actually present at the time of the sex, that will be rape.

People may pretend rape by using a safe word so they can say "no no no" but really mean "yes yes yes" (where have we heard this? Oh yes: rape myths) so long as they are not using the safe word. That is pretending, the consent is still given at the time if the safe word is not used.

pineappleshortbread · 11/02/2015 09:16

I use no a lot in sex and do have a safe word but that does not mean that I am not consenting my husband and I know each well enough to know when I truly mean stop. You can say no in sex if it is arranged and there is specific knowledge that only the safe word will stop the sex

SlicedAndDiced · 11/02/2015 09:17

Sigh

Flora, would it be possible for me to decide if I am being raped or not?

In more detail...I do not feel like it at the start, no. However that feeling of being forced is what I find arousing. So very soon after I do feel very much like it.

This is why pre consent exists in our case. That is what I explicitly want to happen.

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