AIBU? ***warning: trigger alert***

[Joulea]

Last year I was sexually assaulted by my best friends husband. There was a massive thread about it on the WWYD board.

When I went to the police, being questioned about it prompted memories and it turns out that I wasn't just assaulted once, but 3 times - that I can remember. The police suspect he drugged me.

Anyway, the investigation has been ongoing but my clothes that were seized at the time have just been returned to me so I suspect that a decision about whether to charge him or not will be made soon.

Here's the problem: I met my best friend (well, ex bf :() when we were both parents at a school. Our sons became firm friends. They then went to separate schools but my son is now due to join theirs in the same year at the same school (independent, single-sex school, selected a long time ago). I considered not sending him but then decided (after advice) that I should not compromise the education of my son due to being assaulted (and raped). Obviously, I am terrified at the idea of being around this man in a parental/social context and I have spoken to the school about any measures that they could put in place. I was met with a distinctly lacklustre response from the Head along the lines of "Well, we've got the information, it will remain absolutely confidential and we'll consider our position once it's been decided whether or not he will be charged."

Now, I do appreciate that as a school they will be anxious to avoid any bad publicity, but I am really so, so anxious about the impending parental school life that I will be sharing with my attacker. AIBU to expect the school to actually DO something? Goodness knows what, but there must a precedent for this kind of thing somewhere?? How can it be right for my rapist to be around me in all kinds of situations?? Think parents evenings, Sports Days, matches, plays, etc.

I don't know if there is a solution. But if there is, I am hoping that some kindly MNetter can tell me what it is.

TIA.

I would think very hard indeed before sending your son to this school. Why should he be subjected to any come back from this. Really you need to find a different school. it's the only possible thing to do under the circumstances.

I believe you.

I didn't read the other thread and have no advice re school but wanted to let you know....

I believe you.

I remember your other thread. I believe you.
Have the police given you any time scale? I'm sorry to say I think you need to be looking at other schools, whatever happens your son is going to be exposed to the other boy and who knows what he has been told. I can't see how it will be a good relaxed atmosphere there for him.

I remember your other thread too. I didn't comment but I believe you. I don't think you should have to give up the choice of school which you have obviously carefully chosen. Can you get any information from police about what is happening? You need to put strategies in place to ensure WHEN you meet (schools are small communities) that you are not fazed or intimidated. I would be more scared of I was them of facing you tbh. Good luck x

I don't know really if there's anything you can do, but I would be having a 'back up plan' just in case. Whether he's charged or not, whether he's convicted or not, there will be some type of 'fallout'. It may amount to nothing much or it may be something that makes you rethink your plans for your son.

Research other schools. Hopefully, things will go smoothly, but just in case have a school in mind.

I'm afraid I don't have any helpful suggestions but I wish you lots of luck and I hope your attacker is rightfully convicted and sentenced.

Lots of love and very best wishes from a random internet stranger xxxx

Thank you everyone, I am very touched by your replies. x

I don't plan to tell anyone in the school community at all. It just seems wrong to me on every level. I have no interest in 'badmouthing' him; I just don't want him near me.

I'm not convinced that his wife knows the extent of the accusations. I told her initially after the last attack but we haven't spoken since. I know he attended a police station at 9am one morning with his solicitor and he was arrested on suspicion of one count of rape and two counts of digital penetration. He was questioned for five hours and they seized his PC. That's all I know. He is well able to hide things from his wife and I do suspect that he may not have told her that he was arrested. Yes, they are still together as far as I know - we have a mutual friend who still has them on his Facebook.

I'm not worried about the two boys. Mine knows the barest bones (two boys were in contact on social media and some connections between my son and the others' parents so I had to give a good reason for cutting all contact). I don't believe that their son will have been told anything. Mine won't say anything, I'm confident of that. And my son is going to be weekly boarding whereas theirs is a day pupil and will remain so - I hope this will give my son enough time without the boy around to make some firm friends.

I do know a couple of parents at the school (one moved from my sons' prep school at 11) and I hope and believe that I'm confident enough to walk into any situation and not feel like I have to hide. They aren't massively sociable as a couple.

What I do believe is that if he is charged and there's a trial, they will move area completely and thus remove their son from the school. They would not be able to deal with any negative publicity.

I think you're all right - I'm just going to have to have some good coping strategies in place. If the classes are divided by the alphabet then the boys won't be in the same class anyway. But I will certainly make sure that I put a formal request in anyway.

I think it's suddenly all got too much because of my clothes being returned (I don't believe anything would have been found on them to make them of use anyway, when he raped me he stripped my clothes off and I was left just in my underwear and that was months before the last attack anyway). When I opened the envelope it just brought it all back and I felt like a more happy, carefree girl got dressed in those clothes that night and something was removed from her that she can never get back. It's hard to explain but I was shaken and emotional. Which I hadn't expected at all.

I'm so grateful to those of you who remembered my thread saying so - everyone was a massive support at the time and I've often wanted to pop back on and update (by saying that nothing had happened!!) but the thread was deleted and I didn't think anyone would remember.

This time I will definitely keep it updated - some of you have been with me since the beginning and you definitely deserve to know what happens in the end.

Thank you all again; I am really, really touched by your support.

I believe you.

One thing that struck me was the idea about asking for a restraining order after you have chosen to put your son in the school his child has been at for two years, thus effectively choosing to put yourself in a situation where you may come into contact with him. It seems a little - putting yourself in a situation which warrants a restraining order is a bit strange. You'd be the one choosing to do something that could well lead to contact whilst asking that legal measures be put in place to ban contact.

I completely understand your reasons. But from the outside it looks contradictory - I can imagine the powers that be thinking 'Why put the child in the same school if she is so concerned that she wants a restraining order?! Different school, problem solved! Why didn't she do that?'

As I said I completely agree with your reasons, I am just giving a different perspective.

As someone who had to meet my attacker in a social setting, multiple times. I suggest making a mental list of ways to remove yourself from the situation without panicking. "Oh I've just seen teacher X, just need to ask her something" etc. Cuts down on the mumbled, panicked things I spluttered out.

Mine used 'in - jokes' and double meanings to unnerve me. He also tried to change my memories of things that had happened and made me doubt myself. "Oh you remember that great night at X, oh that's right you went home early" no I didn't.

I think I would be concerned that the other child may find out what happened and challenge your son about it at some time in the future (misguidedly sticking up for his dad or what have you). Kids are not stupid and walls have ears.

When they run into each other again at the same school, there is bound to be discussions as to why they have been NC since this happened as you stated that they were close friends. It may well all come out when they are older. I would be concerned about 'gossip' circulating at the school which could impact on your DC at a very impressionable age especially at an all boys school.

So sorry for what happened to you but I would definitely want to keep my DC 'out of the firing line' if I was you.

In your position, I would not want to share the same air as the perpetrator at school events either and it would probably get ugly especially if DH saw him. Do not put yourself through it. He has not 'won', you know what a scumbag he really is.

Hold you head up high and look for another school is what I would advise. Plans change. As long as your DS has strong parental support he will excel at any half decent school and it is not going to help him having a mother panicking at the thought at attending school events at this school (totally understandably but he won't know why), he will pick up on the stress.

I'm with coola

Boarding schools are very "tight" - I went to one as a day girl
you're risking your sanity sending ds there. What's more important?

Can I just add in...
If this does go to court - and I don't know the procedure of this. But if it does and names are mentioned the children at the school will probably find out.
This could have ramifications for your son (and theirs). Are you really sure you want to do this ?

If you will be so uncomfortable with the school for this reason (valid reason I hope it goes without saying) that you wouldn't want to attend or would be worried about attending events and so on...is it really worth it ? Would it no cause potential issues with his education anyway because of this ?

I see bubble is thinking along the same lines as me.

I remember your thread. You've done brilliantly by going to the police.

I was abused when I was a teenager and I remember him coming into the shop where I worked a couple of years later. I won't lie, it was awful suddenly seeing him. I had to go and calm down after.

Do you think you are likely to bump into him often, if at all? Can you get your son to meet you away from a main gate or something? Parents evenings could be timed so you have different mime slots but this relies on the school cooperating. I honestly don't think it's down to the school to do anything. Sorry. I don't see what they could do.

I hope he is charged. Reading your OP made me instantly remember your original thread and it was so awful.

Something similar happened to me, although no charges were brought. She was a governor at my children's school and he is a prominent youth leader type. Our paths have had to cross.

We've had a bit of a breather from it in the past year as their child is at senior school, but next year we'll be back at the same school.

I have become adept at avoiding eye contact and holding my head up high. It's not pleasant but I refuse to feel ashamed and I imagine he feels awkward even with his narrative that I'm a big fat liar. And I'm sure she knows the truth of what he did, she has just chosen to stay in the marriage.

I value my children's education over my personal discomfort so I wouldn't move schools unless I really had to.

Best of luck, whatever you decide. And I hope he gets gangrene and his cock falls off.

I think it would mean more to your son to have a sane mother in his life - there will be other opportunities out there for him educationally. Don't do this to yourself, please.

If it were a case of simply sending him to another school, then I probably would. But there are no other comparable schools within a few counties, never mind locally. Plus his father is adamant that he goes to this school (we're not together but he knows what happened) and I can't shake the indignant feeling of "Why the hell should I be the one to change plans and compromise?!" when he is the one that's done wrong??
My son was put down for the school at age 6 so it's obvious that this was a long-term plan and not a decision to be taken lightly.

I'd rather walk over hot coals than put myself before my son. I'm a strong woman and now it's time to use that, I think.

joulea my heart goes out to you.

It is so very shit that you have been put into this situation.

While I admire you enormously for your courage and determination, and I don't know the details as I haven't seen the previous thread, I do question whether sending your boy to the same school is still the best option. I get red mist on your behalf just typing that :(

If your boy will be boarding anyway, is there really no other suitable boarding school within a twice-weekly commutable distance? It would be slightly easier if a legal decision was reached before the decision had to be made.

I am aaaaaarggghgh on your behalf but I do wonder whether the decision you have always believed to be the best one for your son is truly so, given the events which have happened in the meantime.

If you are determined to go ahead, I would ask to meet with your son's Head of Year and the pastoral Deputy head (or equivalent). They will need to fully understand the outline of the situation as it stands, including the cut contact between the boys, and exactly why you feel so strongly about your son going ahead with the school place despite potential difficulties.

There will still be a limit to what they can do and it's something I'd have many reservations about. I can relate strongly to your sense of not wanting to change your own plans and aspirations for your son just because of some entitled c* however.

It's tricky for us to understand the strength of feeling for this particular school, when he is going as a boarder, because one can usually cast the net wider for boarding than day. I can see why you wouldn't want to give more (identifying) details but I suspect that they would explain better.

I appreciate that this isn't the same, but... DH was badly bullied by someone who ended up expelled for bullying. His DC2 is in our DC1's class. DH and bully have never had to speak again, but I think DH gets a little frightened shiver when he even sees the unusual surname on a class list, let alone seeing him across the hall at the nativity.

I don't know what I'd do in your position, but the current plan does seem problematic. You can't count on rapist's behaving well, or XBF's removal of their child from the school when it all blows up. After all, why should his education suffer either?

The boarding school I know that has 11+ and 13+ entry will be finalising its places by half term, so a change of plan would have to be arranged PDQ.

(confident it isn't the same school, as OP has said it's single-sex, but this is why I don't think the decision can wait for the legal process)

OP, you said you thought the other thread had been deleted but isn't this the thread?

Oh my goodness, yes it is! How did you find it?? I'm not going to read it, but others might want to. Thank you

I actually read your thread the other day, for some reason.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope he gets the book thrown at him.

hi, sorry you're still waiting on news of the outcome with your police report.

i am concerned that you are so focused on your ideas of the best educational elements for your son that you are not focusing on his whole person wellbeing. others have said it too but if he's confronted with having to defend his mother against a rumour of being a fantasist or 'shagging so and so's dad' (awful i know but this is kids we're talking about) in a place he has to learn, live, sleep and socialise without escape how on earth will that be for him?

fair play you don't see why YOU should have to change your plans due to this man, i get that, but gambling your son's wellbeing on that principle is a whole other matter. you have no idea what this man's son has been told or not told. he could have been told anything! you have no idea what your son will be walking into.

i personally really urge you to rethink what you're doing here.

i think you're taking too big a gamble with your son especially as this is a boarding scenario.