AIBU? ***warning: trigger alert***

[Joulea]

Last year I was sexually assaulted by my best friends husband. There was a massive thread about it on the WWYD board.

When I went to the police, being questioned about it prompted memories and it turns out that I wasn't just assaulted once, but 3 times - that I can remember. The police suspect he drugged me.

Anyway, the investigation has been ongoing but my clothes that were seized at the time have just been returned to me so I suspect that a decision about whether to charge him or not will be made soon.

Here's the problem: I met my best friend (well, ex bf :() when we were both parents at a school. Our sons became firm friends. They then went to separate schools but my son is now due to join theirs in the same year at the same school (independent, single-sex school, selected a long time ago). I considered not sending him but then decided (after advice) that I should not compromise the education of my son due to being assaulted (and raped). Obviously, I am terrified at the idea of being around this man in a parental/social context and I have spoken to the school about any measures that they could put in place. I was met with a distinctly lacklustre response from the Head along the lines of "Well, we've got the information, it will remain absolutely confidential and we'll consider our position once it's been decided whether or not he will be charged."

Now, I do appreciate that as a school they will be anxious to avoid any bad publicity, but I am really so, so anxious about the impending parental school life that I will be sharing with my attacker. AIBU to expect the school to actually DO something? Goodness knows what, but there must a precedent for this kind of thing somewhere?? How can it be right for my rapist to be around me in all kinds of situations?? Think parents evenings, Sports Days, matches, plays, etc.

I don't know if there is a solution. But if there is, I am hoping that some kindly MNetter can tell me what it is.

TIA.

I would definitely speak to the police and find out more about the bail conditions and the possibility of getting a restraining order

And let them know that your children will be attending the same school

I can see that I'm going to lose some sympathy here - the decision that he's going to the school has been made. I made the decision, then I un-made it and looked around lots of other schools and it may seem hard to believe but this school really is the best for him and anywhere else would be a compromise

You haven't post my sympathy, not one iota. I understand completely and, at the end of the day, you are the one that will be working through the consequences and you are tho me who is making the decision. It's all very well people saying they don't understand and how can this school possibly be the only one that is right but they are not you.

You haven't lost my sympathy at all. It is for you to decide what's best you know your son none of us here do.
I would say that you should speak to the police inform them of the situation. Have they given you any idea as to timescale yet? Is it possible any trial will be over by the next school year.
Take care of yourself.

no loss of sympathy for you here - i don't think empathising with potential damage to your son if things go badly has to mean not empathising with you does it?

The school thing could go absolutely fine and the boys might ever be particularly affected. Or it could be a disaster , what happens if it goes to trial? I imagine the fallout could be huge for both boys.

Thing is, there is no way of knowing how it will go and what the outcome will be. I'd be worried sick that my decision will cost my child hugely.

It would be easier if you knew the police outcome and if they are going to proceed.

I know.......I have pushed for a decision and I've asked my police liaison lady to call me so I can discuss the school thing with her.

I'm hopeful that I won't have to put my son "through" anything. And I suppose, at the back of my mind, if there is a trial and it does get to be common knowledge - it's him that's on trial, not me.

It's a nightmare situation and I'm just trying to make the best decisions that I can in the circumstances.

And I suppose, at the back of my mind, if there is a trial and it does get to be common knowledge - it's him that's on trial, not me.

As much as I would love that to be true, I think you're twenty years ahead of yourself. You have shown a huge amount of courage and done absolutely everything you should, but you will be disappointed if you expect the same from the rest of the world

OP, have you considered talking this over in a counselling situation?
You are in a hellish situation, and really feel for you, but I do agree with others who are concerned about the emotional fallput for your son.
You have decided to send him to this particular school for reasons which you hold dear. Iassume that these include his academic advantage and extracurricular opportunities?
Have you considered how you may feel if the emotional pressures of the unfolding situation (and its pay-forward) lead you son to disengage academically or socially? How would you feel towards him if you perceived that he wasn't maximising the advantages you are making personal sacrifices to provide?
Or if he turned around in 5/10 years and only then admitted the pressure he had been under with regards to bullying/teasing/stress from his peers? That he may have been at pains to keep sectet at the time so as to 'protect' you?
I'm sorry if I speaking out of turn, but I don't think that any measures that the school can put in place can realistically avoid the risks to your son's wellbeing. Kids can be cruel.

*fallout
Sorry for typos, cold fingers on phone!

You still have my sympathy totally, but I think you might be making a big mistake.

It sounds like everything is okay between the two boys now, but could you imagine what it would be like if his father went to prision? There's no guarantee he'd leave. It would be a horrendous situation for both of them if that happened.

You haven't lost my sympathy either.

It's a huge thing to try to deal with and you clearly want the best education possible for your son which I can completely understand.

Hope you can get some joy from the police. What will you do if they advise against sending your son there?

Sorry you are in this very difficult situation. I think you are vastly underestimating the impact of this on your son should this come to court.
Many years ago i taught the children of two families in a somewhat similar circumstances. it was incredibly stressful for everyone but from the children's point of view they couldn't get away from each other and it wasn't a boarding school. Sorry op, not trying to make things worse than they already are.

I remember your thread and I completely understand your decision to put your son in this school. Why on earth should your plans have to change because of what this man did to you.

Just to add my sympathy and that I also believe you x

I haven't read your original thread OP but it sound like you have had a really hard time.
To those saying get a restraining order, can I just point out that they are usually granted in different circumstances to these. In this case it is you putting yourself at risk of an encounter with the 'suspect' by placing your son in a school that his child already attends. I can't see how he can be restrained from visiting his son's school, especially as he has not yet been charged with anything. I know it seems unfair when you have always wanted your DS to attend this school but there other choices.
Good luck

Your son deserves to enjoy his schooldays. You deserve to enjoy your son’s schooldays. Your exH doesn’t have the right to take that from you.

This. Sorry to hear that you have already decided on this school. It is such a PRIVILEGE to be involved in the school life of your child, and you will not be able to have that here. You will have to avoid your child's school so that you don't bump into the rapist. It is so FANTASTIC for a child to have his mother involved in his school life, coming to school to watch him play sport, coming to school to see him on stage, and just coming to school to support his school and to socialise with the parents of his friends. Your son will not have that. Instead, he will have a mother who is avoiding his school or seeking restraining orders. That will not end well. I urge you to reconsider. Send your son to a school where you can be part of his school life - that is a GIFT nobody, not your rapist and not your ex and not the legal system, should take away from you.

Remember that, at school, your son will make friends and associates for life: friends beyond school, friends to support his career, friends to open opportunities for him. Think beyond school. Do not create a school life that is PAINFUL for you and for him.

So many threads on MN about people who suffered at boarding school. Do not risk this for your son. I had a very happy experience at boarding school but I think rapist parent in the school who raped his own mother is a deal-breaker for a happy boarding school experience for your son. I think you are not focusing on the long term and how many people blame their unhappiness and failure in life on an unhappy boarding school experience. Even the famous public schools have people who went there and hated it and blame their failed lives on it to this day. Please reconsider, and think in the long term. Imagine your son at age 40 or 50 if you can.

Sorry you are facing such tough choices and sorry you were raped - we all believe you.

Really good post Kawliga. I fear that the OP, in being determined not to allow her attacker to force something damaging on her family, is actually allowing herself to inflict something even more damaging on her family in the misguided belief that this damage is somehow better because she's chosen to do it. It's not, it's still letting this man harm her family.

You have my sympathy OP, and I believe you. But I think it is very unfair you're putting your son in for what is potentially years of suffering to make a point.

I agree, MoanCollins. It is sad, I can imagine how it feels to put a son down for school at age 6 and then have to give up his place in the end when he turns 13. But shit happens, and life changes, and it's sad, but in the end OP your son will be happy if his mother is happy. He loves you, remember that - he loves you more than what school he goes to.

I know September is looming and after all these years it feels reckless to suddenly change schools now, but life is long, and he has to live it (and so do you). Do not seek restraining orders, do not spend more time structuring your life around the tragedy that happened to you. Let your son be carefree at school, and you be a carefree school mum. Your revenge on the man who attacked you is to live a happy and carefree school life and be COMPLETELY involved in your son's school life without any worries.

I don't want to minimise in any way how difficult the next few months will be, but I think it's always worth considering the possibility that if the rapist is found guilty, his wife might choose to move her son to another school to avoid bullying. But of course there are no guarantees of any of these things happening.

I really hope you find the solution that works best for you.

Do not be forced into this by your EA xH - he has no compassionate capabilities or understanding of the emotional consequences for your son or you.

Sounds like other child does not know what has happened as they hung out together on the try-out day.

However the other child will know a version once this goes to trial - and he will believe his father's defense - ie he is innocent and that you were a luring, consenting, tart.

Top public schools are very well networked. I would approach the HM to ask him to approach another school of similar standing to secure you a place there via an informal route. I would imagine this would suit all concerned - the school will not want to be dragged into this and the HM will use his connections to smooth the path.

Progressing with the allegation and trail WILL impact your son at school. Would you with draw the charge if they removed their son from the school?

The school can do things.

For a start they need to do a risk assessment for situations you may be in such as parents evening. But it is limited to what they can actually do, at a parents evening they can ensure you are never alone with this man, but they can't ban him.

They could offer alternatives such as you not go to parents' evening but do get to meet the teachers that week, or they can offer appointments and you have the first, him the last type of thing.

There are also things that can be done unofficially like someone having a quiet word with him to tell him he is not welcome.

OP, if that's the case, do you think it would perhaps be possible to see if the school could use connections to help your son get a place at another comparable public school given the circumstances?

I was thinking this too, connections can be made and often fees can be waived/reduced because of circumstances. Although it might be hard to explain to your ds.