AIBU? ***warning: trigger alert***

[Joulea]

Last year I was sexually assaulted by my best friends husband. There was a massive thread about it on the WWYD board.

When I went to the police, being questioned about it prompted memories and it turns out that I wasn't just assaulted once, but 3 times - that I can remember. The police suspect he drugged me.

Anyway, the investigation has been ongoing but my clothes that were seized at the time have just been returned to me so I suspect that a decision about whether to charge him or not will be made soon.

Here's the problem: I met my best friend (well, ex bf :() when we were both parents at a school. Our sons became firm friends. They then went to separate schools but my son is now due to join theirs in the same year at the same school (independent, single-sex school, selected a long time ago). I considered not sending him but then decided (after advice) that I should not compromise the education of my son due to being assaulted (and raped). Obviously, I am terrified at the idea of being around this man in a parental/social context and I have spoken to the school about any measures that they could put in place. I was met with a distinctly lacklustre response from the Head along the lines of "Well, we've got the information, it will remain absolutely confidential and we'll consider our position once it's been decided whether or not he will be charged."

Now, I do appreciate that as a school they will be anxious to avoid any bad publicity, but I am really so, so anxious about the impending parental school life that I will be sharing with my attacker. AIBU to expect the school to actually DO something? Goodness knows what, but there must a precedent for this kind of thing somewhere?? How can it be right for my rapist to be around me in all kinds of situations?? Think parents evenings, Sports Days, matches, plays, etc.

I don't know if there is a solution. But if there is, I am hoping that some kindly MNetter can tell me what it is.

TIA.

OP, I'm so, so sorry.

I think you should send your son somewhere else.
Even if they have chosen and managed to keep the investigation secret from their son currently, they will not maintain that if this man is charged. Defendants' full names, professions, ages and addresses are publicised in the local press, and your friend will know that. So she will make sure her son does not find out from the paper, or other boys whose parents saw the initial press report. She has chosen to believe him; she has no incentive to be neutral or fair to you, and she will tell her son the version of events she has chosen.

Even though you have always planned on this school, to an outsider, you are going to pains to involve yourself in your rapist's life. You are making it easy for any defenders he rallies to smear you. And your son will be involved in that.

I'm sorry. Please reconsider. for you.

I think TheHoneyBadger makes good points.

I agree completely - why SHOULD your son's education be affected by this hideous man?

BUT - it will 'come out' at school, either way and that will be awful for your son. Awful. Especially if he is boarding.

And it wont be good for your mental wellbeing to put yourself though so much stress either. Which isn't good for your son.

I am so sorry you have been through this.

I believe you. x

I remember you too OP, and I believe you. I think you have taken the decision about your son's school so posters should stop questioning it. The issue now is how to deal with it when you see your attacker. Can your ExH help - will he do a share of drop offs/pick ups? Do you know any other parents at the school who you could walk in and out with? I only once came face to face with my rapist, and initially froze. It was an awful experience and I don't think you can predict your emotions in response. I hope you have RL support, someone you could call or go and see if you need to talk about it?

I wish you the very best OP.

I have been thinking and thinking about this thread today.

It is so utterly fucking fucked up that this man behaves in this way and so far the consequences all fall on you (and your son). It makes me fucking furious on your behalf.

I can also see why, at this point, it would seem to make sense to brace yourself and go ahead with the original schooling plan.

BUT.

This guy is not 'normal'. His behaviour is not normal. You can't expect a normal reaction of shame or guilt. So what will his coping mechanism be?

What role does your friend play in all this? It sounds like she has cut contact with you and stayed with him, which quite clearly shows that you can't expect any loyalty (or frankly, again, what we might consider a 'normal' pattern of behaviour) from her, either.

They are already established in the parents of that year group.

Your sons are going to be in very close quarters after having to cut contact. How will this play out?

As mentioned above, it may be the best place for your son educationally, but it would require an immense amount of luck for it to be the best place emotionally. Particularly when that is his world for 5 or 6 days a week.

I understand that your ex-H may not be happy about a change of plan. And also that September is getting very close. But maybe this is where your strength and determination needs to be directed, rather than sticking with Plan A.

I'm sorry, I really want to come up with a brilliant solution for you

X-post, not just blustering past your point, EE.

I want to agree with you so very much and who knows, maybe you're right.

I remember your thread. I'm so sorry you are still going through this process. I hope you get justice.

Definitely look into a restraining order.

I've just read that this is boarding. I really don't think you should do this. I am an ex-boarder myself, not sure if you are OP. Boarding is totally immersive, a situation like this would be hard enough for a child to deal with at a day school, at a boarding school it could well mean that your son was having to deal with an extremely hard and stressful situation every single hour of the day. It's an awfully big burden to put on small shoulders and could prove very traumatic for him.

What's happened is absolutely dreadful and I totally understand that you don't want to feel that this man has made you change your life and your plans because of what he did. But the thing is, it's not you who is going to do most of the suffering this time or bear most of the burden. It's your son. And I think it is unfair for you to ask your son to bear that burden purely because you need to feel this man hasn't won.

Don't think of it as a victory for this man if you change, think of it as a sensible measure to protect your son. It would be more of a victory for this man if your son was damaged by being educated in a toxic atmosphere, his welfare is most important.

This is a terrible situation for your family to be in. A boarding school can be a great place of safety for children whose families are going through crises, but in this case it's a potential battleground you're sending your son into - additional stress that he does not need on top of the upheaval of starting a new school and worrying about you. I'm tempted to agree with those who say reconsider.

Having said that, for now I'd wait and see what the police say before acting, while thinking about contingency plans in the event of different outcomes eg
a)- if the man is not charged
b) if he is charged, tried and found innocent
c) if he is charged, tried and found guilty

In scenarios a and b, things will be very tough for you and your son - the school might be able to help a bit if this guy is charged, but even then he's still innocent until proven guilty. The school's ability to keep the boys apart depends on how big it is - and things like whether boarders eat in their houses or at a communal dining complex. If he's charged I'd discuss the situation again with the school and see if they can come up with a plan. Maybe they'd consider allowing your son to defer for a year to see how things pan out... Which leads me to...

scenario c, in which the man will be going to jail, for several years. How will he be paying independent school fees while he's on 27p a week sewing mail bags?

I am horrified by what happened to you and I believe you.

In all 3 scenarios that sticky has outlined this story will be in the public domain. Either in the press and/or as gossip amongst parents, teachers and amongst teenage boys living side by side 24/7 and will run for years and years. Regardless of the decision by the jury.

You do not know (and will not be able to control) what version will be told, what nuggets fabricated and exaggerated and the story will continue to evolve and take on a life of its own as the police case develops or not. The genie is already out of the bag.

Your son's emotional health as he moves through puberty discovering his own sexuality, will be under assault 24/7 for the next 5 years - either by his silence & anxiety to keep this quiet, or by the worry/constant threat of the other boy saying something, or by the real or imagined whispers, gossip, and taunts.

He will have to defend your story 24/7 for the next 5 years. I fear this will risk his mental health.

In addition he will be aware of and absorb to his detriment, the justified extreme anxiety you will experience at every school event.

If his mental and emotional health is impacted - his academic performance will be severely compromised.

IMHO - contrary to your opinion - his education WILL BE compromised if you send him to that school and HE WILL suffer.

Take a look at the teenage thread to see what how extreme emotional and MH issues manifest.

What a hideous ordeal you have been through my love! You are so brave.

I too wonder if you ought to be placing your DS in that school, its a potential mine field that he won't be able to be protected from.

I think your exH’s judgment isn’t to be trusted on this. It’s very foolish for him to be “adamant” that his son must go to boarding school with the son of the man who raped his mother, nor with the son of the man whom his mother may be acting as witness/accuser in court for a serious crime.

There’s no getting away from it - what that man did affects your whole family. It changes a lot of things. So I am shocked that your exH hasn’t even considered the options of other schools, for his son’s sake. There are other schools in other places (maybe less convenient) which will be a close second to the one you’ve chosen and will probably work out better for him socially and educationally.

It sounds as if your exH does not really accept the gravity of the situation, neither for you nor (potentially) for your son. And by insisting you can't reconsider schools, he is putting most of the burden of making sure that your DS is unaffected by this onto you. You might need your courage to stand up to your exH and challenge what he thinks is best for your son.

Your son deserves to enjoy his schooldays. You deserve to enjoy your son’s schooldays. Your exH doesn’t have the right to take that from you.

I agree with Kleinzeit, what kind of decent man would be ADAMANT that his DS goes to a school that links the boy and his mother to her rapist?

He is showing abject treachery and that he doesn't believe her. Was he abusive/manipulative/controlling by any chance OP?

No advice but sounds awful

Lol

I do not think you should change your decision about where to send your son. You made the choice a long time ago and are confident that there are no equal alternatives.

That leaves the task of minimising any potential contact. In all honesty, I have met the parents of DSs class mates on a very very small number of occasions - had I wanted to, avoiding them would have been easy. I think the head should be able to ensure your DSs are in separate classes but he is right that there is little else they can do if the man isn't charged. I think if they are in separate classes, any potential for contact would be very limited.

Good luck.

Jou am mid way through reading the other thread, in utter stunned disgusted belief and getting more and more angry about your ordeal and this sick bastard the more I read. The bolshy but admittedly often not thinking with head side of me says- why should you change you much considered and researched plans for him? He's dragging you through utter hell after already committing a sick crime against you by not admitting his guilt. why should he now "win" by having the easy option of you now shying away from putting DC in the same son so he can breath with relief at not having to see you and be confronted by his sick act?? Why should he "win"??

Im sure others will point out issues with this, but if you do decide to send him there (and should he not be found guilty and not locked up) why not email/write a very very formal letter to the pair of them indicating this will be the last contact but: making clear you have informed the staff of this situation and asked they keep the children in different forms and as seperate as possible from each other. Say you are prepared not to discuss this anymore generally, with other mums on the understanding they also respect you by keeping where possible the children apart and away from you...
Think the fact they'd know the school knew would shock and scare them so hugely and the cowardly fool this "man" is would be so deeply humiliated he'd never dare show his face there anyway??

Im only half way through other thread, but sounds like with your (ex) friends text indicating her DH had basically admitted it did happen is pretty compelling evidence??

BubGal - I am no lawyer - but if someone wrote to my childrens school with the requests you are suggesting based on allegations about me that had been not guilty in a court of law I would be suing for libel.

BubGal, I am not a lawyer either. But I am also fairly certain that for the main witness and victim in a case to contact the defendant in the run up to the trial would be a MASSIVE no no and could potentially jeopardize the entire trial.

I also agree with your earlier post very much Something. There is a reason why victims in these type of trials are given anonymity and it protects their family just as much as it protects them. As the defendants family will not feel any need to keep their mouth shut about who you are seeing as he will be identified they will have no reason not to tell everybody exactly who you are. Your son will lose all the benefits of that anonimity and he will be stuck in that situation for years. So will you, everybody knowing what has happened no matter what the outcome. It's not nice and it's not fair but you will always be known as 'The family who...' and he will be 'the boy who...'. You would always be defined by this horrible incident.

If it was me I would go elsewhere, because I simply wouldn't want me or my family to be defined by such a horrendous act and I wouldn't want to be reminded of it all the time. I completely understand why you are reluctant to feel like you have been forced to do something by this man. But I think you are running the risk of creating an even more tremendous burden for your family which could be quite easily avoided.

Did your ExH attend this school? Is it one which his family has links to? Is this the reason why he is very keen for him to attend?

Something- OP says she has already informed school. I was suggesting she simply let the couple know this (and surely her informing school of a situation while still ongoing is perfectly reasonable even "if" he isn't then found guilty) as a tactic giving her extra security in having upper hand of the situation.

Moan I know this and suggested this was done after trial, not before or during.

Ah, sorry. Didn't notice that. But they haven't made a decision to charge as yet according to the OP. So I doubt the trial will take place before September. And the OP will need to make a firm decision far before that.

I'm wondering about the type of school as well, because I know if it's a public school there are long waiting lists and it's often only possible to get a place (unless you are super rich/connected) if you have family connections. E.g. Dad is an old boy. And the advantages of going to those kinds of schools are huge, going to an 'ordinary' private school (which may be the only alternative, particularly at short notice) would lose a huge amount of those advantages so I'm wondering if that's why the OP is keen for him to go.

OP, if that's the case, do you think it would perhaps be possible to see if the school could use connections to help your son get a place at another comparable public school given the circumstances?

I can't imagine that the school is SO amazing it counteracts all the risks of your son going there. I think that the school can't do any thing to help you, as he hasn't been found guilty in court.

Is the man on bail? If so, are there conditions, e.g not to contact you?

Hi everyone.

I can see that I'm going to lose some sympathy here - the decision that he's going to the school has been made. I made the decision, then I un-made it and looked around lots of other schools and it may seem hard to believe but this school really is the best for him and anywhere else would be a compromise. I'm not worried about the boys' relationship per se, I guess my question was a pretty selfish one.

He did a taster day recently and he and the other boy spent the whole day together apparently, chatting and laughing like nothing had ever happened. Which as far as they are concerned, nothing ever did. My son knows there was some problem and that's why we won't go round there any more and I guess their son has been told similar.

Because it's a senior school there will be a lot less parent interaction than at Prep school. I'm guessing that drop-off/pick-up, parents evenings/school events and the odd social function they hold for parents will be the only occasions. Because he's boarding there won't be drop off/pick up - and at weekends his father can collect him because he lives about ten minutes from the school.

In terms of libel - there wouldn't be grounds (I have a Law degree) because all I've said is that I've made an allegation of assault and he's been arrested on suspicion of..... They're the facts.

Yes, he is on bail but I don't know about any conditions.

Bubgal - yes, the message is incriminating, as is my note on my phone from the night of the last attack. Whether everything adds up to enough evidence to charge.......I don't know.

I feel sick at the thought of the rape. And it's funny how my mind had blocked out so much detail; it was only uncovered during/after questioning. But to think someone used my body without my permission disgusts and appalls me.

It was a hideous, hideous thing and my heart goes out to anyone who has ever experienced it :(

I did post on the thread before. And rereading some of the later posts I am convinced it would be total madness to send your son to this school. The school really won't want to be dealing with this at all no matter what the outcome is. Why why why are you putting yourself through this extra torture and dread of the future and what will happen by sending your son to this school. I simply don't understand it at all. And not only yourself what about your son.