AIBU? ***warning: trigger alert***

[Joulea]

Last year I was sexually assaulted by my best friends husband. There was a massive thread about it on the WWYD board.

When I went to the police, being questioned about it prompted memories and it turns out that I wasn't just assaulted once, but 3 times - that I can remember. The police suspect he drugged me.

Anyway, the investigation has been ongoing but my clothes that were seized at the time have just been returned to me so I suspect that a decision about whether to charge him or not will be made soon.

Here's the problem: I met my best friend (well, ex bf :() when we were both parents at a school. Our sons became firm friends. They then went to separate schools but my son is now due to join theirs in the same year at the same school (independent, single-sex school, selected a long time ago). I considered not sending him but then decided (after advice) that I should not compromise the education of my son due to being assaulted (and raped). Obviously, I am terrified at the idea of being around this man in a parental/social context and I have spoken to the school about any measures that they could put in place. I was met with a distinctly lacklustre response from the Head along the lines of "Well, we've got the information, it will remain absolutely confidential and we'll consider our position once it's been decided whether or not he will be charged."

Now, I do appreciate that as a school they will be anxious to avoid any bad publicity, but I am really so, so anxious about the impending parental school life that I will be sharing with my attacker. AIBU to expect the school to actually DO something? Goodness knows what, but there must a precedent for this kind of thing somewhere?? How can it be right for my rapist to be around me in all kinds of situations?? Think parents evenings, Sports Days, matches, plays, etc.

I don't know if there is a solution. But if there is, I am hoping that some kindly MNetter can tell me what it is.

TIA.

If this goes to court, and if he gets found guilty are 2 very huge hurdles that may or may not happen.

That man will gloat for all eternity if either of the above happens. He will make sure he sees you at any possible opportunity. He is a vile and extremely dangerous predatory man. You won't have been his only victim I'm sure.

At the trial he WILL instruct his team to BURY you. None of this will escape the boys attention.

Even if you "win" the boys will be torn to bits.

I understand you not wanting to back down about your decision, as you shouldn't have to change your plans because of a crime committed against you.

But the ones that will suffer the most will be the boys. Neither of them deserve this.

I believe you, and I hope you can break free of the abusive ex, and this vile sex offender and make a new and happy healthy life for your ds and yourself.

Id he's going to board, he can board anywhere. This is not the only school that will be good for him.

Perhaps if you think more laterally, you'll find something better, and then perhaps there will be some goodies come out of this.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you

You shouldn't have to suffer, you've done nothing wrong.

But personally...there is never just 'One' great school. There are always options.

Why put yourself (and your son) through this? Just find somewhere else to send him.

I honestly couldn't be dealing with the stress of this on a daily basis. So sorry for you.

For a start they need to do a risk assessment for situations you may be in such as parents evening. But it is limited to what they can actually do, at a parents evening they can ensure you are never alone with this man, but they can't ban him. They could offer alternatives such as you not go to parents' evening but do get to meet the teachers that week, or they can offer appointments and you have the first, him the last type of thing. There are also things that can be done unofficially like someone having a quiet word with him to tell him he is not welcome.

I think it's fair to say the school will NOT want to do any of this. It is an independent school, so OP does not have to take her son there, she could go elsewhere, rather than come to this school and create all this extra hassle for the school. That's how the school would see it. It's a lot for OP to ask of them. Even if the school believes OP it is still a lot to ask for a child who is not already at the school.

It would be different if OP was already a parent at the school and the new parent joining was the rapist, as many pps above have said.

OP if you are adamant that you have made up your mind and will send your son there no matter what - have you got a plan B if once he is there it all goes horribly wrong - at what point would you take him out and where would he go?

i'm afraid the ops son isn't really coming into the equation is he?

people have said it a million ways but the op never comes back with the points about the risk to her son.

i've been thinking about this and to be perfectly honest i don't think, if i was the son, i'd want the first thing my headmaster knows about me and my family to be what the OP has had to disclose to them.

you are assuming he is professional, assuming he is sympathetic, assuming he will handle this in confidence and not let it influence his attitude towards your son or you. yes, maybe you should be able to assume these things but this isn't even an accountable to higher authorities type school but a private profit making business whose accountability really is to it's clients one of whom, an established client who has been paying their fees without problem for years already, you have said this about without at this stage any legal proof or backing. no business, let alone one as 'old boy'ish as the private school network you appear to be talking about, really cares about ethical considerations and such so much as they care about cold hard cash and appearances and reputation.

i think you are maybe being very naive here. this is kind of the seat of patriarchy you're entering - what makes you think the head gives a toss what this man has done? potentially even if he was found guilty (which i'm sorry to say is extremely unlikely in our system without physical evidence, after the event and without your memory etc - not that it shouldn't be different but let's face it there are underage girls being gang raped and their rapist beings let off on the basis the girl looked older or was 'willing').

this is all well and good except this is your son's wellbeing you're gambling with. this will be his immersive environment - his home, his teachers, his housemasters, his peers, his classmates, his room mates etc etc. there will be no escape and it will be his first experience of being away from home.

i don't think you are absorbing just how fucking devastating this could be for him. no amount of prestige or status attached to a school is worth that. no amount of 'why should i change my plans' is worth that. it just isn't.

think hard on the word 'immersive' in the context of boarding school. think about suicides in basic training camps and why they can happen to seemingly previously resilient young men.

excuse wobbly typos and grammar - you can do much better without a top 5 school education i promise - avoiding opening the red wine early helps i'm told

Before I say this, I understand that your life and that of your son should not be subject to disruption because of this dreadful man. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. But your life has to move on. By this I mean you will never get over what has happened if every day you are stressed about potentially seeing him/her and this will pass to your child.

They have the benefit of a history at the school and as hard as it is, they will undoubtedly stress their innocence because they will talk.

I had a similar situation with the man who attacked my daughter coming in to school. I cannot stress how anxious I felt and this was just once a fortnight, not daily. I can remember sitting in assembly and feeling as though I was going to have a panic attack. Fortunately a judge varied the court order saying that my fear and stress would pass to my gs and it was not good for the child or me. Heed these words.

I know you are saying there are no other suitable schools and I am wholly sympathetic to that. But how can you enjoy your child's achievements, school plays and sports days when they will be tainted by anxiety?

The school already appear somewhat wary. They will try to be neutral but decisions taken that you are unhappy with will put you at odds with the school.

Please try and find somewhere else.

No advice sadly, but just wanted to say I remember your other thread and I believe you. You are very brave.

"And I suppose, at the back of my mind, if there is a trial and it does get to be common knowledge - it's him that's on trial, not me."

For someone with a law degree this is incredibly naive.

The whole school community, teachers, parents, pupils will be following the twists and turns of this case - including the decimation of your character as presented by the defense.

Your son will have to endure real or imagined whispers, taunts, slights, gossip about his mothers sexuality 24/7 for the next 5 years. He has no escape from this mental torture in his young mind and it will blight his life emotionally and academically.

You have every opportunity to reduce your exposure by managing termly parents evenings / weekly sports fixtures etc - he does not have this luxury.

If you really want your child to thrive you have to put the horse before the cart - and that is always their emotional bedrock.

I really do think that the school will use their connections to get a place of similar standing for you son.

I know you've made a decision, but perhaps you hadn't thought about the things people are saying. You listened on the first thread to advice, you did the right thing. You didn't feel capable, but you reported him and he needed to be reported (even if nothing is proved this time, if his next victim reports, they will be onto him). Listen to the advice this time, about your son's mental health. The 'best' scenario for him is that this doesn't go to court, everyone keeps it quiet and it's never mentioned again.

However, I wouldn't trust this guy. He is going to be slurring your name in advance, little bits and bobs dropped here and there, in meetings with the head etc. He's clever. He's going to be prepping the whole world to believe him, should this ever come out. He may need to speak to his son, "Dad, why doesn't Joulea's ds want to come over? Why can't I invite him to my birthday do?" It seems like your ds's naturally get on, and are drawn to each other. How will they cope with this? The only way I can see Mr rapist coping is to slur your name and explain that as the reason. She's mentally ill, she said awful things about me. etc.