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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? ***warning: trigger alert***

112 replies

Joulea · 09/02/2015 19:31

Last year I was sexually assaulted by my best friends husband. There was a massive thread about it on the WWYD board.

When I went to the police, being questioned about it prompted memories and it turns out that I wasn't just assaulted once, but 3 times - that I can remember. The police suspect he drugged me.

Anyway, the investigation has been ongoing but my clothes that were seized at the time have just been returned to me so I suspect that a decision about whether to charge him or not will be made soon.

Here's the problem: I met my best friend (well, ex bf :() when we were both parents at a school. Our sons became firm friends. They then went to separate schools but my son is now due to join theirs in the same year at the same school (independent, single-sex school, selected a long time ago). I considered not sending him but then decided (after advice) that I should not compromise the education of my son due to being assaulted (and raped). Obviously, I am terrified at the idea of being around this man in a parental/social context and I have spoken to the school about any measures that they could put in place. I was met with a distinctly lacklustre response from the Head along the lines of "Well, we've got the information, it will remain absolutely confidential and we'll consider our position once it's been decided whether or not he will be charged."

Now, I do appreciate that as a school they will be anxious to avoid any bad publicity, but I am really so, so anxious about the impending parental school life that I will be sharing with my attacker. AIBU to expect the school to actually DO something? Goodness knows what, but there must a precedent for this kind of thing somewhere?? How can it be right for my rapist to be around me in all kinds of situations?? Think parents evenings, Sports Days, matches, plays, etc.

I don't know if there is a solution. But if there is, I am hoping that some kindly MNetter can tell me what it is.

TIA.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2015 19:35

No advice I'm afraid, just wanted to say that I remember your thread and so sorry you're being faced with this now Sad x

Catsize · 09/02/2015 19:35

Oh no, I am not sure.
Strange they have given your clothes back if he is going to be charged. Hate to say this, but it is either bad policing or he won't be charged.

Mrsstarlord · 09/02/2015 19:36

I guess that legally they can't do anything until he is charged and found guilty. Can the police advise you on this? Perhaps there is something they can do in terms of witness protection (probably totally the wrong term but a sort of anti harassment measure)

Sorry I don't have any answers but I really feel for you, you sound like you are doing so well in the face of everything Flowers

skylark2 · 09/02/2015 19:37

The school can't apply sanctions to another parent based on your accusations - it would be an appalling thing for them to do.

It will be different once he's been charged.

Presumably this will all be resolved (at least to the point of him having been charged) before your son starts at his new school?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

pineappleshortbread · 09/02/2015 19:38

I'm really sorry to hear your going through a rough time and I would say maybe file for a restraining order and see if that helps. Sorry I can't be much help.Flowers

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 19:39

I don't think I saw the thread but it sounds as though you had an horrific time.

I think the problem for the school is that the other child is already there and your son is now joining the school. I could understand if the situation was reversed but I think the head teacher would probably think that maybe you should have considered a different school.

Have you seen your ex best friend and this guy since? (In the street, etc, I mean.)

MrsHathaway · 09/02/2015 19:39

I believe you.

I can see that the school's position would have to be neutral, however. They would be on shaky legal ground excluding a parent based on an accusation which had not yet been supported by a caution or conviction. I suspect that however sympathetic they might be to you personally, legally there would be a limit to what they could do.

They could, for example, make sure your child and his are not in the same form/tutor group/house, to minimise your likely contact. But they would not be able to ban him from sports day, for instance, unless maybe you were able to get a restraining order or something.

Good luck. I dearly hope he gets what's coming to him. Very well done on reporting him Thanks

mommy2ash · 09/02/2015 19:43

i don't think the school can do anything seeing as he hasn't been formally charged. he is presumed innocent until proven guilty so the school can't exclude him just yet. i hope if charges are brought they will be able to help you a bit better.

i have to say under these circumstances if it were at all feasible i would look into different schools. not just for your benefit but also for your son if any of this ever comes out he could find it very difficult at that school.

im so sorry this has happened to you

AntiHop · 09/02/2015 19:44

It must feel so awful to know you'll be seeing the man who raped you at school events. Honestly if I was in your position I would consider sending your son to another school. I wouldn't want myself or son to be involved in anything that the rapist is involved in. Are there any other independent schools nearby?

Original poster
Joulea · 09/02/2015 19:46

Thank you everyone. I completely accept the points made about there being no proof yet so they can't act as they otherwise would have done. It's shit, but I get it.

I suppose I hoped there would be some magic solution I hadn't thought of.

No, I haven't seen either of them again since. There's no occasion for us to bump into each other.

Re - the school. I absolutely did consider sending him elsewhere and did extensive research into schools. But we actually chose this school before my friend and registered our son a LONG time before they did. However their son left his school at 11 and mine will leave at 13 this summer, hence the delay.

OP posts:
findingherfeet · 09/02/2015 19:47

I know it isn't fair but I would move your son, his education is likely to be negatively impacted upon anyway if you are (rightly) fearful to attend the school, he might not know what occurred but it will be very clear to him and his friend that there is a problem.

I don't know what your ex friend is like but in the event of her partner not being charged, will she speak badly of you/your son to the school/other parents?

The situation would make me feel scared, anxious and paranoid and if there was a way out I'd take it for my own mental health.

I don't know the details but I really hope he is charged and feel for you in this situation

NotYouNaanBread · 09/02/2015 19:47

I think you're in a terrible position. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I would look into a different school, if only to have a backup if he is charged but the case falls through.

Original poster
Joulea · 09/02/2015 19:49

No, there are no other suitable schools. This one was chosen because it ticks a lot of boxes about the education that we had planned for him since a toddler. And believe me, I made the decision that he was not going there time and time again after what happened, but he overwhelming advice has been to hold my head up high and get on with it - I know he's in the wrong and he knows he's in the wrong.

How do I go about filing for a restraining order? Is it likely to be given?

OP posts:
Original poster
Joulea · 09/02/2015 19:51

I really would be compromising on his education if I didn't allow him to attend this school. And that makes me angry - why should WE have to suffer because of what HE did??

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2015 19:52

Sorry, no advice but just wanted to say I am so sorry

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 19:53

But Joulea, how will your son feel, being in the same school as their son? Does your son know about what happened?

findingherfeet · 09/02/2015 19:56

It's totally unfair of course but I suppose it depends whether in reality you are willing and able to 'hold your head up high and get on with it'?

Assuming he isn't charged and the school are not able to do anything, would you sit near him to watch a school play/bump into him in the school corridor? Etc

I wouldn't and I don't think anyone would think less of you if you can't.

Auburnsparkle · 09/02/2015 19:57

I would be worried about their son bullying your son. You don't know what stories he has been told about you.

I am so sorry - I remember your thread too. You are very brave. I believe you also.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 09/02/2015 19:57

what are you scared of the most, perhaps we can come up with a solution in which you will feel safer.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2015 20:01

I think the school is in a really difficult position. As far as they're concerned he isn't guilty of a crime. And even if he was I don't think he could be excluded from parents evenings and so on. But with a bit of care I don't think you need ever meet this person. It would be the two boys in the same class I'd be more concerned about.

namechange2468 · 09/02/2015 20:07

I believe you 100% and remember your other thread.

However, I just don't think you are doing the right thing sending your son to the same school. It's not your fault and your family shouldn't be the ones to suffer, but sometimes really shit things happen and you have to adapt to deal with it.

Even if you get a restraining order and the school's support, the atmosphere is going to be horrendous for you and your son.

I'm so sorry to be so blunt, but I can't see how this could possibly work out, unless they leave the school (highly unlikely, I imagine).

AgentProvocateur · 09/02/2015 20:07

What a dreadful situation. Do you know that they're still together? If my DH had been accused of that, he'd very soon be my ex. (Yes, I know - innocent until found guilty etc etc).

If it's parents' night and plays you're particularly worried about, can you make sure you always have someone with you? If it's drop-offs and pick-up times, he will be harder to avoid. You have my sympathy.

FatherHenderson · 09/02/2015 20:14

First of all, I believe you. And I'm so sorry you are in the position.

I also understand why you still want your son to go to that school. I think the easy answer is to just send him somewhere else. However, if you have decided to go ahead and send him, then that's fair enough. You and he have done nothing wrong.

So, I think you have got to be practical and proactive. You need to make a plan.

  1. Ask the school to ensure that your son is not in the same form. This should cut down on some social interaction. You must also realise that there may not be a huge amount of parental socialising going on, and you can pick your events. (Mums nights etc.)
  1. Seriously consider how your attacker and his wife are feeling about this. I DON'T mean be sympathetic, but they are probably crapping themselves about the thought of you coming to the school, because, after all, have been raped by him. I would not bet against the idea that they might avoid you.
  1. Decide how you are going to present yourself.
Do you know anyone else at the school? You need to build your own friendships. I would imagine that there will be other boys joining at 13. Be proactive at making friends with their parents. I really don't know what I would do in this situation, but I suspect that INITIALLY I might keep my mouth shut about the attack. I don't know anything about the wife, but might she try to paint you as a fantasist? Make her and her husband the victim? If you stay silent, at least until you are well established, then you have a better chance of being believed in the wider community.

I really hope you don't think that I mean that you should just shut up about it. But you are in a terrible situation, and I think that you just have to make the best of it.

Finally, the school cannot really do anything, but I bet you there will be members of staff keeping an eye out for anything that might spring from this situation.

Stay strong.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 09/02/2015 20:16

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

However, other than not putting the boys in the same form class or house, I really don't see what the school can do if he isn't charged.

If he isn't charged, I doubt you'll be able to get a restraining order, but who knows, it's worth a try. In addition to that, a restraining order doesn't give you the right to be where you want, when you want and him not. Given his son has already been at the school two years, I doubt you'll be able to stop him attending events.

If it were me, I'd choose another school, even if that means a long commute, moving, weekly boarding or whatever as one way or another, this isn't going to end well with both boys attending the same school.

Somethingtodo · 09/02/2015 20:18

I hope that this is resolved sooner rather than later. Can the police give you a time-frame? Will it go to court - will it be in the public domain?

How many people know about this situation outside of yourselves and the other couple?

I would be concerned that in the event he was not charged, that the other couple would have already networked with the parents of the new school for the past two years and may tell another story before you arrive.

This may make life really difficult for your son (and you).

How much does your son know about the assault?

How much do you want him to know?

What if during play-ground banter he was told - your Mum did x, y, z ....or so-and-so's Dad did x, y & z to your Mum....this could be really traumatic for him.

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