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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fuming at being told to be a "few shades less you"?

109 replies

TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 14:41

Will try to keep short but not drip feed.

Friend is getting married and me and the two other bridesmaids arranged to meet up to discuss hen night. Me, friend and bridesmaid A are equally friendly, all met 5 years ago through work. Me and BM A had never met BM B prior to meeting up. She is friend's fiancée's very close cousin and is on the wedding on his behalf not friend's.

Me and the bride were meeting for lunch yesterday (the morning after meeting the hens -she didn't know we were meeting). When we got there she said she had a bone to pick with me and said that I upset her fiancée's mother, that she rang her and said bm B said she didn't like me. I asked did I say anything to offend/do anything wrong. She said no, BM B just felt a bit intimidated by my personality so "for now on, if you could try to be a few shades less you, that'd be great thanks".

The only thing I can think of was that BM B was really pushing the one idea that we all hated and friend had said she definitely didn't want to do and I said (nicely) that it was definitely out as it was the one thing friend said no way to.

Absolutely mortified! Me, friend and BM A are all equally "big" personalities (I would probably be the quietest, ironically). I apologised, went home and sobbed all day and text BM B and basically said I'm really sorry if we got off on the wrong foot/had upset her and could we start again. She text back and said she had no clue as to where my text had came from but it had been lovely meeting me.

I was with BM A last night and told her what happened, apologised if I was a dick and she was just like wtf? There was nothing wrong with how I was.

AIBU to be raging that rather than ask me what happened I just got told off straight off the bat? And that how dare she tell me to try to be a little bit less me?

Or should I just brush it off and put it down to wedding pressures and stress and trying to keep fiancées family happy? And should I bring it up to her, especially how much she has actually hurt my feelings?

OP posts:
VenusRising · 08/02/2015 21:27

I'd pull out of BM duties, and remind your friend that you'll be there for her, np but not as a BM.

Sazzle41 · 09/02/2015 13:56

Big events or a crisis often reveal cracks in friendships previously suppressed. Yes MIL may have an agenda but seeing your "we all have big personalities" made me wonder if the bride sees you as needing taking down a peg generally/competition in the attention stakes and wedding mode bought it to a head? I've found female friendships fraught with such u der currents before , then a seemingly un related matter would bring it all to a nasty head/the surface. Does she ten d to try squashing you generally?

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 09/02/2015 14:25

I don't blame the OP for crying - there's a big difference between saying, 'I know it's hard to rub along with new people but BM B is shy, so can we make sure she gets her say?' and 'Could you try to be a few shades less you?' I mean, FFS, talk about making you question your entire personality. That's the sort of comment that makes you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

I would do as others have suggested - don't pull out of the wedding party (unless this happens again) but be so "few shades less yourself" that you don't pass any opinions whatsoever. If the bride ends up sulking in Dublin, you can just shrug. But good luck. MIL sounds like a right stirrer; Bride sounds a bit gluey; and BM B is either too wet to admit she did have a whinge to her aunt, or just plain wet.

TillyWantsTangled · 09/02/2015 18:46

Update

I am holding my hands up here and saying I'm doing a huge drip feed but that's because I wanted to try and be neutral to be fair to her.

Fuck that. I want a vent now, not advice so I'm gonna drip like a leaky pipe!

I text her and asked her did she want a coffee and she said she was busy so I sent the message: "No problem. I had wanted a wee chat about the other day. I'm your friend, and I want to stay that way. I know you're prob stressed with your new job, wedding etc and I'm trying to be understanding but you really hurt my feelings at lunch and again last night. There's a huge big difference in being honest and being mean. If I've done something to piss you off or you're badly stressed then have a chat with me about it because you are too good of a friend to lose".

I was referring to last night because when me, her and BM A met up to go out she was shitty to BM A and asked me to give them 5 mins so she could fix it with her. 30minutes later I was still by myself and text to say do you want me to leave? After FIFTY minutes I gathered my stuff and left. Within half an hour BM A rang me sobbing to see why I had disappeared because "friend" abandoned her in the bar after throwing her drink on the floor and announced she was leaving. I then drove back 20miles to lift BM A.

The reply I got from my text today was how dare I accuse her of being mean. I was a liar and always have been and to stop digging before I do cause a row. I sent back a short text just saying there's no need to be so hateful.

WELL! Do I give two shiny fucks about her feelings now? Do I frig! She's a bloody hypocrite and I guarantee the only damn reason why she's so determined to demonise me is because I ate her a few weeks ago after she stayed at mine and shagged her exboyfriend on my sofa (without my permission) and then the following night fecked off and stranded me in the middle of a strange town with my purse in her handbag and no phone.

I have just read that back and cannot believe how much of a pushover I have been the last few months. One thing's certain - even if she does make it down the aisle, I'll not be behind her.

And breathe......

OP posts:
grocklebox · 09/02/2015 18:52

Are you all twelve? Sobbing ALL DAY, throwing drinks on floors, nasty texts flying backwards and forwards.... really none of you should be getting married until you've all grown up a bit.

Zucker · 09/02/2015 18:53

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa now there's an update to be proud of. Your friendship is now over Tilly. Time to delete from phone, facebook and wherever else you have her. Time to join the others that have resigned as bridesmaid.

One final text for her though, "I hope that you have a wonderful wedding day and that your marriage is all you deserve"

Grin
Theimpossiblegirl · 09/02/2015 18:58

Well that was an update and a half! I bet you feel loads better now OP.
Here's to you not being a pushover.
Wine

Lweji · 09/02/2015 19:01

Not surprisingly, she was not that great to start with.
It think this is definitely a case of better without.
Do you know if BM A has ditched her too?

She will end up a no-friends bride.

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 09/02/2015 19:05

She shagged her ex boyfriend whilst engaged?

Well. She sounds like a treat.
Wish her a happy wedding day and tell her you have other arrangements Grin

clam · 09/02/2015 19:08

Bloody hell!

Sounds like Karma is going to get her though, in the shape of her fiance's mother. Grin

SauvignonBlanche · 09/02/2015 19:10

Run for the hills!

Charley50 · 09/02/2015 19:11

You ate her?

CrystalHaze · 09/02/2015 19:11

Hang on, have I got this right?
In the last few weeks she has lost 2/5 bridesmaids, upset you, upset BM A, had a drink-throwing strop, and cheated on her fiancé with her ex?

Holy living fuck. Drop her quicker than a hot turd.

Lweji · 09/02/2015 19:13

cheated on her fiancé with her ex?

On the OP's sofa without her permission too.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 09/02/2015 19:15

Sounds very much like she has lost two more bridesmaids then if you and A are now well and truly better off out of it. What had A supposedly done to deserve Zilla being shitty to her btw?
Temple bar is a hen don't imho, tis awesome but too manic at weekends.
Zilla sounds fecking awful and if you really want to burn your bridges and put the wind up her I would be saying: hey I'm not the liar around here...being a deceitful unfaithful cah seems to be your department love. because I am a bitch
Seriously mind I would feel awkward being a bm watching vows between bride and groom knowing he had been cuckolded during the engagement.

DoJo · 09/02/2015 19:15

Well, that escalated quickly! I was going to say that it sounds like she is using her wedding as an excuse to treat people like shit, but clearly she has no problems with just doing so with no excuse if your update is anything to go by! At least you don't have to agonise over what to do now, and hopefully you haven't spent too much money on being her bridesmaid already...

IAmNotAMindReader · 09/02/2015 19:17

What a car crash of a wedding. With her being such a bitch to all and sundry it won't be long before her dirty linen gets aired in public and her poor fiance finds out about the ex. Hopefully it rescues him from a costly mistake.

laughingmyarseoff · 09/02/2015 19:20

Drop her, she's scummy to her friends and scummier to her fiancé. I would back out, ignore her.

JenniferGovernment · 09/02/2015 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kali110 · 09/02/2015 19:22

Wow what a bitch she is. Your best off out off her wedding.
If she even makes it up the aisle then she's going to have no bridesmaids at this rate!

Roussette · 09/02/2015 19:22

I'd be very pissed off at someone using my sofa for shagging an ex! You are then party to a secret you really don't want.

Ditch her and quick! Life is easier without people like this in your life.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2015 19:26

Oh gosh op, bye bye friendship, not much to loose I say, if she thinks so low of you. Tell her to stick her BM role where the sun don't shine.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2015 19:27

Op did not throw her drink on the floor, it was one other of the BMs

Lweji · 09/02/2015 19:29

Read it up people

Within half an hour BM A rang me sobbing to see why I had disappeared because "friend" abandoned her in the bar after throwing her drink on the floor
Zilla threw the drink on the floor (not sure whose drink, though)

shagged her exboyfriend on my sofa (without my permission)
I don't think it's open to interpretation

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 09/02/2015 19:30

I would be furious, well done OP