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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming at being told to be a "few shades less you"?

109 replies

TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 14:41

Will try to keep short but not drip feed.

Friend is getting married and me and the two other bridesmaids arranged to meet up to discuss hen night. Me, friend and bridesmaid A are equally friendly, all met 5 years ago through work. Me and BM A had never met BM B prior to meeting up. She is friend's fiancée's very close cousin and is on the wedding on his behalf not friend's.

Me and the bride were meeting for lunch yesterday (the morning after meeting the hens -she didn't know we were meeting). When we got there she said she had a bone to pick with me and said that I upset her fiancée's mother, that she rang her and said bm B said she didn't like me. I asked did I say anything to offend/do anything wrong. She said no, BM B just felt a bit intimidated by my personality so "for now on, if you could try to be a few shades less you, that'd be great thanks".

The only thing I can think of was that BM B was really pushing the one idea that we all hated and friend had said she definitely didn't want to do and I said (nicely) that it was definitely out as it was the one thing friend said no way to.

Absolutely mortified! Me, friend and BM A are all equally "big" personalities (I would probably be the quietest, ironically). I apologised, went home and sobbed all day and text BM B and basically said I'm really sorry if we got off on the wrong foot/had upset her and could we start again. She text back and said she had no clue as to where my text had came from but it had been lovely meeting me.

I was with BM A last night and told her what happened, apologised if I was a dick and she was just like wtf? There was nothing wrong with how I was.

AIBU to be raging that rather than ask me what happened I just got told off straight off the bat? And that how dare she tell me to try to be a little bit less me?

Or should I just brush it off and put it down to wedding pressures and stress and trying to keep fiancées family happy? And should I bring it up to her, especially how much she has actually hurt my feelings?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/02/2015 16:44

Presumably your friend The Bride knows you and your personality when she chose you but now wants you to not be you?
Sod that, unless you are totally obnoxious ( doesn't sound like it) then it's the other BM with the issue not you.
Either be yourself or don't be a BM

Lweji · 08/02/2015 16:47

But, timer, the bride chose how she spoke with the OP. She could at least have found out what happened from the OP first, maybe say that she understands how the "other side" is, but she needed everything to go smooth and ask OP to play along.
Instead she had a bone to pick with the OP. And it sounds odd that two people have already left the party.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/02/2015 16:48

Pissing off one Bridesmaid; one of those things.

Pissing off two Bridesmaids and now having upset you suggests the Bride might be an arse.

silveroldie2 · 08/02/2015 16:48

To hell with crying, why didn't you tell her to fuck off and pull out of being a BM? So what if two have already done so - they sound sensible.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2015 16:49

I disagree timer, there is a good reason why 2 BM have pulled out. Even though, she was very rude to op, and the way she went about it was dreadful.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 16:52

I'd not go and be a "bridesmaid zilla" about it and cry for god sake.

Of course the bride is stressed to death at the moment.

It's not "your day"

So rise above it and straighten it out once the wedding is done and dusted.

timer · 08/02/2015 16:54

True, the bride could have handled it better.

However if there's a long standing friendship here then the zero tolerance approach is a bit scorched earth.

Talk her your friend. Find out what's going on. If she's still an arse, pull out.

It's a bit LTB for me.

Original poster
TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 16:56

Actually timer isn't far off the mark. I know she's under a lot of pressure trying to live up to the MIL's expectations and that goes a long way to explaining it.

But even at that, I'm trying really hard to work out if even though it's a reason for her behaviour is it good enough to float as an excuse for how rude she's being to everyone?

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 16:59

Sometimes in life we do have to tone ourselves down for the sake of others.

Original poster
TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 17:00

And just to point out so I don't sound like a complete eejit - only my partner knows I cried like a baby Grin

Someone asked upthread what the idea was that she didn't want for the hen. It was Dublin as the destination - it's the only main city we can go to without flights

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2015 17:01

Tilly I would arrange coffee with her, and tell her how she made you feel. Ok she is under pressure, but no need to treat friends so rudely. At the end of the wedding she will have very few.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 17:02

Just step back from it, which is the same as rising above, let others do the organising get a bollocking and turn up with a relieved smile on your face.

laughingmyarseoff · 08/02/2015 17:10

I would distance myself OP and turn more of the stuff over to BM2. The Bride sounds like she's becoming a bit of a nightmare and BM2 obviously said some things to shit stir to get her riled up.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/02/2015 17:12

I don't think pressure from the mil can really explain the bride's behaviour. It seems very odd if she's not usually like this

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2015 17:19

Sometimes in life we do have to tone ourselves down for the sake of others. Yep, and I am one of those people who has to tone down for work, for new people, for DD's friends' parents. I absolutely don't tone myself down for my best friends. They get the full horror of me. That's why we are best friends.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 17:19

When planning anything let alone a wedding you have it from all sides. Give her a bit of grace OP, step back and talk to her once its all over. They are not your friends, she is.

In some situations its ok to not have to be "you"

Im a very strong personality and sometimes I do have to back off. Friends have also told me this and I haven't listened to my detriment.

Proving a point now isn't worth it.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 17:21

It is wise however to put the "best friend" thing on a back burner until the day is over.

Lweji · 08/02/2015 17:23

But if the OP hadn't shown her personality, the bride would have ended up in a place she didn't want to go for her hen do. Not a random thing that she insisted for herself.

OnlyLovers · 08/02/2015 17:33

Something's very wrong here, IMO. A good friend would defend your personality to the hilt, not tell you to be less yourself.

And if she's afraid of her MIL-to-be, that's her problem; it's hardly fair to take it out on her friends.

I wouldn't feel much like being a bridesmaid for someone who asked me to, essentially, change myself.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 17:33

Is it not time for the OP to sit back now though and let other things go on without being even more upset?

Good people say bad things sometimes.

The bride is stressed
The bridesmaids are bickering

If I were you OP (and that's the only opinion I have of course)

Take a deep breath
Butt out a bit

Be there on the day.

clam · 08/02/2015 17:36

How long before the bride is on here, complaining about her soon-to-be-mil?

DoJo · 08/02/2015 17:38

The whole situation seems to have been completely blown out of proportion anyway given that the bridesmaid involved has said she didn't have a problem with the OP. The friend must have known that the mother-in-law wasn't at the meeting of the bridesmaids, so why assume that the third-hand information was worth even mentioning to the OP?

If the friend is under pressure from her MIL to be, then she needs to find a way of managing that which doesn't rely on those who are only tangentially involved being asked to behave differently at events which the MIL isn't even invited to! Surely having her friends on side so she can moan about her MIL is a better approach than alienating them on the basis of incorrect information passed on by someone who she already knows is being overbearing?

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/02/2015 17:45

Tbf, the bridesmaids weren't bickering. The bride and MIL between them seem to be trying to engineer a bridesmaids war.

Is your friend drawn to drama, OP?

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 17:46

I get exactly what you are saying DoJo 100 percent.

It may be the worst thing in the world for the bride to marry into that.

The OP can't stop it though can she?

Sometimes being a best friend involves keeping a dignified silence, not crying about "herself" in it all and waiting until its over, then giving her support.

OnlyLovers · 08/02/2015 18:01

Pretty, I think that's unkind. The OP didn't exactly choose to feel so bad she spent all day crying. Her 'friend' made her feel that bad.

I agree with DoJo, with no qualifications.

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