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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming at being told to be a "few shades less you"?

109 replies

TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 14:41

Will try to keep short but not drip feed.

Friend is getting married and me and the two other bridesmaids arranged to meet up to discuss hen night. Me, friend and bridesmaid A are equally friendly, all met 5 years ago through work. Me and BM A had never met BM B prior to meeting up. She is friend's fiancée's very close cousin and is on the wedding on his behalf not friend's.

Me and the bride were meeting for lunch yesterday (the morning after meeting the hens -she didn't know we were meeting). When we got there she said she had a bone to pick with me and said that I upset her fiancée's mother, that she rang her and said bm B said she didn't like me. I asked did I say anything to offend/do anything wrong. She said no, BM B just felt a bit intimidated by my personality so "for now on, if you could try to be a few shades less you, that'd be great thanks".

The only thing I can think of was that BM B was really pushing the one idea that we all hated and friend had said she definitely didn't want to do and I said (nicely) that it was definitely out as it was the one thing friend said no way to.

Absolutely mortified! Me, friend and BM A are all equally "big" personalities (I would probably be the quietest, ironically). I apologised, went home and sobbed all day and text BM B and basically said I'm really sorry if we got off on the wrong foot/had upset her and could we start again. She text back and said she had no clue as to where my text had came from but it had been lovely meeting me.

I was with BM A last night and told her what happened, apologised if I was a dick and she was just like wtf? There was nothing wrong with how I was.

AIBU to be raging that rather than ask me what happened I just got told off straight off the bat? And that how dare she tell me to try to be a little bit less me?

Or should I just brush it off and put it down to wedding pressures and stress and trying to keep fiancées family happy? And should I bring it up to her, especially how much she has actually hurt my feelings?

OP posts:
pudcat · 08/02/2015 14:46

Well I know what I would do. If my normal personality is not right and your friend takes the word of someone thirdhand, then I would tell them what to with the bridesmaid job.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 14:48

If you really went home and sobbed all day are you sure you're up to the job?

It sounds to me as though chinese whispers has kind of happened here.

YANBU to think your friend should have asked what actually happened though, rather than rely on a 3rd party.

I think you and bridesmaid A should probably be mindful that it might be a bit daunting for B, what with the 3 of your being so close.

gamerchick · 08/02/2015 14:49

I would back out of the wedding and just be a guest. No good comes of it when the bickering and back biting starts. It's too easy to fall out.

Cheeky bugger putting you in 'your place' I would tell her to get fucked personally.

What ever you do it needs to be dealt with if it made you cry. These things fester and before you know it you're paranoid about allsorts and end up not speaking after the wedding.

Rollonpayday · 08/02/2015 14:52

How incredibly hurtful for you. Sounds like the mother in law could be doing a bit of shit stirring here? Makes you wonder why you bother!

Sn00p4d · 08/02/2015 14:53

Your friend is a dick of the highest degree and I wouldn't be part of her wedding if she coated it in glitter. What a bitch.

Lweji · 08/02/2015 14:55

Well, why not be a few shades not like you?
Let them do whatever they like regardless of what the bride wants. Stand back and don't offer any help whatsoever. Just smile and stand pretty.
Tell her exactly that.

She had no problem in hurting your feelings, I think you should tell her exactly that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/02/2015 14:58

A few shades less you what utter bollocks and she's your mate?

McSqueezy · 08/02/2015 15:00

I agree with Chinese whispers. Clearly something has been said or thought - but by who you may never find out. Perhaps not by bm B, but your friend was wrong if you were not being unreasonable or offensive. If you can't be yourself, what are you doing there at all?

You have a few options, the best being to let it all blow over and forget about it. I was a bridesmaid once for a friend once and it brought out the worst in her, does seem to happen sometimes.

clam · 08/02/2015 15:10

She's asking you to alter your personality to please someone (her fiance's mother) you've never met?

Bollocks to that.

QueenInTheNorth · 08/02/2015 15:44

Your friend is a bitch of the highest order! I'd be telling her where to put it (now, as I would have reacted same as you at the time!) and not being part of the wedding and i'd have to have a think about being a guest either. Is someone like that really a person you'd like to be friends with? I hope you value yourself more than that.

clam · 08/02/2015 15:50

Actually, I'd have been bristling the moment she said she "had a bone to pick" with me. Who says that, unless they're spoiling for a fight?

Tisiphone · 08/02/2015 16:04

So the non friend bridesmaid basically said the 'complaint' hadn't come from her? Who is actually making trouble, then? The fiance's mother, who is a complete stranger to you? Your supposed friend, the bride? Or bridesmaid B, who is lying? Or A?

I don't think I could let this rest, personally - talk to the bride, and tell her bridesmaid B was completely baffled by your apology, and hadn't had a problem with you, and ask what was said and by whom. She was unpleasantly entitled and rude in the way she passed it on, whatever the source.

Even, frankly, if you are one if those loud, kerrazy types who self-describes as 'bubbly' and 'mad', I don't think your friend has the right to ask you to change your personality because you have the great honour of walking up the aisle with her...

Eltonjohnsflorist · 08/02/2015 16:12

You need to do as Tisiphone suggested imo

Original poster
TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 16:13

I totally get it's Chinese whispers - I'm maybe wrongly running on the assumption that BM B has said something along the lines of I'm not her cup of tea/wouldn't choose to spend time with me otherwise as tbh I thought exactly the same about her (even though there's nothing wrong with her). I'm guessing friend just panicked as MIL is a real matriarch.

I usually don't like conflict and she is usually the loveliest person but the wedding really is bringing out the worst in her - she's already had 2/5 bridesmaids pull out so I'm reluctant to pull as well. I'm trying so hard to be understanding as the wedding will eventually come and pass but I'm beginning to find her new found attitude really difficult Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/02/2015 16:16

she's already had 2/5 bridesmaids pull out

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Lweji · 08/02/2015 16:18

It's doubtful that it's a new found attitude. It has probably always been there and you will have to stand up to her.

Tisiphone · 08/02/2015 16:20

Why are you prepared to go to such lengths to protect your supposed 'friend' from the consequences of her own bad behaviour? For all you know the two bridesmaids who've already pulled out were told by the bride that you complained about them or couldn't get along with them, if she's in fact using innocent people as unwitting sock puppets...?

DoJo · 08/02/2015 16:21

So instead of telling her mother-in-law to be that she was not at the gathering, had no idea what could have upset bridesmaid B and assumed that must be some kind of misunderstanding as you are her friend and would never do anything to upset anyone, she started bitching at you and telling you to tone down your personality? She sounds like a dick.

If you really can't face pulling out of the wedding, then I would just be a neutral presence - let bridesmaid B book the hated hen do activity, do not contribute any more than the absolute minimum and do not engage in any wedding nonsense. It sound like being 'you' involves being a good friend and trying to organise a hen do that your friend would like - if she doesn't want that then she can deal with the repercussions (and please tell us what this unwanted activity is so that we can imagine her 'enjoying' it to keep the peace with 'Bridesmaid Who Must Not Be Upset').

Staywithme · 08/02/2015 16:23

What's the betting the two that gave pulled out are friends of the bride. It sounds as if the mil is shit stirring in order to make sure the bridesmaids are from 'her' side of the family. You need to sort this out with your friend or it's going to get worse.

JenniferGovernment · 08/02/2015 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2015 16:30

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Oh yes. That is all.

ILovePud · 08/02/2015 16:33

I wonder if the reason 2/5 of her previous bridesmaids have pulled out is because she's pulled this kind of crap with them. What she has done is out of order, even if her soon to be MIL has said this she should be addressing it with them and bringing up any issues with you in a more sensitive way. Why is she telling you that bridesmaid B doesn't like you and that MIL is angry with you, what a horrible position to put you even if they said those things. Does she have form for shit stirring?

clam · 08/02/2015 16:33

I'd jump before I was pushed, if I were you!
Imagine how pissed off you'd be if you stay on, not wanting to let her down as two were edged out pulled out, only to find the fiance's mother is determined to get rid of you too and you're fired?

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2015 16:42

YANBU at all, she has had 2 BM pull out, I wonder why, with that stinky attitude. Even if she wanted to talk to you, the way she went about it, was rude and nasty. Either the other 2 have said something about you to her and they are denying it, Bride is shitstirring and picking on you. To be honest, I would pull out too, after that treatment.

timer · 08/02/2015 16:43

Actually I disagree with the majority sentiment here.

If her mil is the overbearing type, she could be under a lot of pressure in relation to this wedding. Could be the mil shit stirring so that the fiancées side of the family isn't in the minority in the bridal party.

I would go back and speak to your friend and clarify exactly what happened and tell her that bridesmaid B didn't seem to have a problem.

I wouldn't be pulling out on the basis of this alone. That's a bit shitty to be honest, especially if she's already had two go. If a best mate of mine pulled out of being my bridesmaid that would be the friendship over (unless there was a very good reason).

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