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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: Not enjoy watching DS play soccer, rather get on with my own work or play solitaire on my laptop

136 replies

Evelight · 08/02/2015 14:18

DS, aged 9 plays soccer. he loves it, and is very very enthusiastic about it. It is the only afterschool activity that he gets ready for and goes willingly, without an hour of bellyaching beforehand.

Their coach circulated an e-mail a while ago asking all parents to watch kids play, to encourage their child, to be involved with the game. Well bollocks to that. I often have work with me and I use the "quiet hour" sitting in the lobby of the gym (they have unusually comfy sofas) marking, reading etc. Sometimes just playing solitaire- whatever. Nobody's business, surely? I don't "get" soccer anyway.

DH loves soccer, he also take DS - he is the ideal parent from coach's pov. Really engaged, together with all the other parents yelling encouragement. Fine. Later, they talk about soccer, look up youtube clips, talk about Messi and Ronaldo. Also fine, nice father-son bonding say I.

The annoying thing is now DS has the expectation for me to watch him play. Last year he wouldn't give a hoot whether I was watching or not- he just enjoyed the game. Now he nags "Why don't YOU watch me play?" "Other parents do" "Daddy does" "I wish daddy would always take me" "Youpr efer doing your work to watching me"

Oh do shut up. This is annoying. I wish the coach, other parents, DH, etc would not perpetuate this idea that it is somehow our responsibility to actually watch the kids play- isn't it enough that we pay hefty club fees, and give up at least two hours of our weekend, driving around etc? We also have to be enthusiastically following each game?

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 08/02/2015 20:08

YANBU. DS doing his activities often give me the chance to do things that need to be done. Shopping, the bank, emails etc. Things that he hates having to do with me. By doing it during his extra curriculars, when he is busy enjoying himself, it means I also have that time later to spend with him. Playing, watching a movie, things he likes, instead of dragging him around the supermarket. I always make sure I watch the last 10 minutes of football, rugby, skiing lessons though. So that way he knows that I enjoy watching him when I can.

AndSheRose · 08/02/2015 20:12

One could argue that it is better parenting to allow him to go to football training without it being for your pride/pleasure but to recognise it is for his own enjoyment. Not everything needs to be 'cheered on' to be valid or fulfilling. What about self-regulation and satisfaction in your own achievements, rather than them being because someone else has appreciatively witnessed them?

If he seemed to be losing confidence and needing a boost or whatever then yes go and shout encouragement a bit for a few sessions - you can make that judgement - but otherwise, you are facilitating his training because he loves it, that is all that is required here.
Ask him why he wants you there all of a sudden - is it just cos a few parents have been pressured into it by the coach? Get him to realise himself that he didn't need to crowd-please to enjoy it before.

I actually think the notion of having an audience for everything is not helpful, it is nice to do things simply for their own sake, and important to learn you don't need, nor get, constant validation and 'good job'ing from appreciative on-lookers.

rinabean · 08/02/2015 20:28

Yeah... I felt really ignored by my parents and it messed me up. My parents had no idea what I liked and never would have taken me anywhere. They made a fuss about taking me to the dentist. I could see the weird mix of anger and boredom on their faces when I said I'd been invited to fill in for a match (even though I wasn't on the teams - wouldn't have been allowed to practice even for free things). God forbid I needed a lift.

I don't think I'm speaking out of jealousy. I think your son has it fine. His dad gets mega excited and into it and watches him every minute and you pretend to care for his sake. I'm not being sarcastic: when he's older I think he'll really appreciate that, that you don't like football, you find it all a bit tedious, you're busy with work, but you know he likes it so you made sure to watch a bit of it and ask him about it. Surely you either go mental about it and cheer him on or you do what you do, to just sit there glumly with a big frown would not be encouraging, and to not make any effort wouldn't be, but I think between you and his dad he will always know how much you both care.

SavoyCabbage · 08/02/2015 20:28

Yanbu. I don't watch mine do gymnastics as its boring. And crowded and noisy. I do watch them do athletics because I enjoy it.

I think this is like hair. I go and get my hair cut so I don't look like a rag bag. But the girls who work at the salon love hair and they are very into hair. They want to talk about hair and how I style it and what products I use. I don't care about it. So I don't want to talk about it. They are bemused that I don't because they place a higher value on hair than I do.

Your ds's coach thinks football is more important than you think it is. Perhaps he isn't doing some of the things with his dc that you consider important.

Soleurmange · 08/02/2015 21:06

Op I would urge you to try and enjoy it, and even get into it if you can - it sounds like your ds is hurt by your disinterest.

ChillySundays · 08/02/2015 21:09

Spent over 10 years watching football matches - both my DC played. One season one of them played Saturday and Sunday. Hate football but never occurred to me not to go and support. Very rarely watched training but matches were different.

And then there was hockey and athletics - althoguh used to watch training as I enjoyed that

ssd · 08/02/2015 21:13

your ds is right, you should watch him rather than play solitaire

but hey, who are we to tell you this?

just you carry on are you and wonder how in years ahead he doesnt have much interest in you.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/02/2015 21:26

The OP does watch him for a bit. She drives him there. She pays for him to do it. She also facilitates hours of other out of school events.

I think it it unbelievably harsh to accuse her of not being interested in her son. Heaven FORBID she should get some work done during this time, or even enjoy herself by playing a game.

intlmanofmystery · 08/02/2015 22:03

I spend many, many hours on the touchline watching DS play football, hockey, cricket and DD playing hockey and netball. Do I always enjoy it? No. Could I be doing something else? Yes. Does it mean a lot, and a I mean a lot, to them that I am there watching, supporting and available for post-match analysis in the car afterwards? Yes. That's why I do it. Simple.

Mehitabel6 · 08/02/2015 22:18

I really can't think of anything more important for the child that giving them time and interest and support.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/02/2015 22:30

But you can give that time, interest and support in many ways.

I would reserve my worry for children who are actually being neglected, rather than those who have parents with other stuff to do occasionally.

Mehitabel6 · 08/02/2015 22:41

Of course there are more worries but I don't want to tell my children they are being silly- some children are neglected!
I want them to look back and know that their mother was there when it mattered to them- not saying it was boring and they preferred playing on their phone!

Mehitabel6 · 08/02/2015 22:43

Time is far more important than throwing money at things!

riverboat1 · 08/02/2015 22:59

I would say YANBU, in principle. But the thing is there ARE other parents there cheering their kids on, which makes it worse on your DS knowing you are sitting in the car or whatever.

I think you just need to find some sort of compromise, watching all the important games and faking an interest after every training where you werent there, asking what happened etc. But explaining you sometimes have other things to do and can't watch and cheer every week seems reasonable to me.

sosix · 08/02/2015 23:02

Op, i bloody hate it and try and avoid.

sosix · 08/02/2015 23:04

Oh fgs yawnsville. Bloody hell op, enjoy your timeout.

TheNewStatesman · 08/02/2015 23:09

I'm sure that this kind of non-stop hovering was not required of parents a generation ago.

If people want to watch every game, good for them, but not everyone wants to watch all the time, and some families actually believe it is is healthy for kids to have their own space as they get older.

TheNewStatesman · 08/02/2015 23:14

"I have come across this perspective from some sporty families before, though. Sport is such an important part of their lives, and the way they relate to their kids, that they can't imagine how being a good parent is supposed to work without every kick of the ball being a shared family event."

Exactly. I mean.... I love knitting, but how ridiculous it would be for me to start banging on about how you HAVE to knit baby clothes because "It's part of being a parent!!!" Erm, no, it is not. Knitting clothes for your own babyor watching all your kids' sports gamesthe way SOME people like to do things in their families. It really, really does not matter in the long run!!

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:02

It works both ways. I am very pleased that mine now come and support me in things. It would be incredibly hurtful for them to say 'I will drive you but don't expect me to watch- I am not interested and would rather play on my phone'.
All children start by say 'watch me mummy'- I expect they just give up if they get a complete lack of interest. I can't see what relevance it has to knitting!

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:07

It isn't 'non stop hovering' - I am over 60yrs and thankfully my parents gave me time and showed an interest in what I did.
I am seeing my sons in something in a few weeks- I have no actual interest in it but I shall be there, supporting.
If I get grandchildren I shall be there supporting- whatever their interest turns out to be.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 07:08

It must be incredibly hurtful to see other parents watching and know that your mother is in the car playing on her phone. I wouldn't do it to them.

RhiWrites · 09/02/2015 09:47

Not unreasonable. Some interests you share, others you don't. It's a good lesson to understand that and be appreciate of you taking him when you don't care for the game.

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 09:51

I don't share any of my son's interests- they don't share mine. At least we support each other and make an effort rather than say 'if you were a different child I would show an interest'!

Mehitabel6 · 09/02/2015 09:53

I would fancy a grandchild who was keen on drama, but I shan't write them off if it turns out to be rugby because I don't happen to like it.
I shall give the same amount of time and take an interest.

muminhants · 09/02/2015 09:55

YANBU. Lots of mums didn't watch their sons when my ds played football although sometimes they'd turn up for the last 5 minutes of a home game with their coffee. And as others have mentioned, what about other dcs? Do they have to hang around in the cold and wet as well? Football isn't played in the summer. And the matches are every flippin week even in the holidays (other than May half term and the summer hols). There's very little respite. If it was once a month that would be ok. Every week is a pain.

"It's part of being a parent". No. Facilitating their doing things they want to do is. Sitting there and watching every boring minute is not. I really dislike the sanctimonious "this is what you signed up for" nonsense.

Fortunately my son now does athletics instead - I enjoy watching that anyway as I am also interested and run myself.

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