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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be told where partner is going when he goes out?

113 replies

Mini05 · 08/02/2015 13:48

when partner goes out on his own he never says where he's going.
I've mentioned this and he says your not interested or I don't gave to tell you, I don't ask where your going.he thinks I'm being nosey, I think it's conversation.

So, if you partner/boyfriends/husband goes out does he mention where? Or when he comes back says where he's been.

OP posts:
chinstrappenguin · 08/02/2015 13:52

To be honest I would find it odd to not mention where I was going. Does he just walk out without a word or won't he tell you?

Agrestic · 08/02/2015 13:52

Where is he going? Shop? Pub? Friend? Is it obvious where he's going but are asking as he hasn't actually said it or do you have no idea?

chinstrappenguin · 08/02/2015 13:53

I see he says I don't have to tell you. How rude!

Sn00p4d · 08/02/2015 13:55

Oh I've had many, many arguments about this! It's not that I don't trust him or think he's up to something, more that I might want to come too and I'm nosey

After 8 years I've resigned myself to the fact he jst wanders off sometimes, or will say he's going to do something that should take ten mins and rocks up three hours later having been sidetracked. Doesn't see any issue with me not knowing where he is and I doubt he ever will. Good luck op it's a hard one to change!

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 13:55

I'd be suspicious frankly! Why won't he say....that's what I'd worry about. Mine just says "I'm going to Xs house to drop something off" or "I'm off to the gym." or wherever he's going!

Have you reason to think he may be being unfaithful? How long are these trips?

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 13:57

It's a pretty normal conversation in this house.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a Diva.

AlistairSim · 08/02/2015 13:59

I think it's weird.
Why would he not tell you?

Do you have children together? If so, does he expect you to just pick up the slack when he pops out on his mysterious jaunts?

owlborn · 08/02/2015 14:01

I would raise an eyebrow if DH refused to tell me where he was going. And he would be less than happy if I wouldn’t tell him.

I'm really not normally the suspicious type but where is your DP going? Is he running a meth lab or something?

BackforGood · 08/02/2015 14:07

I would find that really weird.
It's normal conversation between people who live together - it affects things like what time they will be back, if they will have eaten, etc., as well as just being normal social chit chat. Before you get on to where to start looking if they ever didn't return when expected.
I'm not sure I could live with someone who felt they need to keep their whereabouts secret. It's just odd.

Mammanat222 · 08/02/2015 14:12

We both always say where we're going. Often its just a cursory 'I'm popping to xyz' we won't necessarily say who we are meeting / how long we'll be.

If it's a planned thing / one of us will be out for a significant period of time IE a night out on the piss then we'll mention it in advance as we have kids so its not as easy just to have last minute evenings out. Pre kids though I'd often meet friends last minute after work so I'd let OH know.

It's more about courtesy really? Not control.

I used to tell my folks where I was going - in a similar non commital manner - when I was still living at home. Just to give them a rough idea of where I was.

googoodolly · 08/02/2015 14:14

I think it's odd, especially if you have DC. You should know roughly when he'll be back, at the very least. I'd be highly unimpressed if DP "popped out for a whole" and didn't come home for hours. It's just disrespectful, really.

I always mention where I'm going and so does he - if he happens to go out when I'm at work (or vice versa) and he'll still be out when I get back, he'll still text and say "I'm going to x, home around 4" or whatever. I don't understand why you wouldn't say unless you had something to hide, tbh.

Mammanat222 · 08/02/2015 14:16

Also poster who said about it effecting things like dinner etc has a good point. If one of us is going out and won't be in for dinner then we let the other know.

TillyWantsTangled · 08/02/2015 14:16

Depends if you live together or not. How long have you been together?

Goneintohibernation · 08/02/2015 14:19

I would find it very odd if DH went out and refused to tell me where. Surely it is just good manners to say what you are up to and roughtly when you will be back.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/02/2015 14:22

Yanbu. He's being rude/a knob. Maybe he thinks it makes him seem all deep and mysterious, in which case he's an idiot. I'd be furious tbh - it's a basic courtesy to tell somebody where you're going and when you are likely to be back, especially if he's leaving you with the children.

iwouldgoouttonight · 08/02/2015 14:23

My DP is like this. I'm in no way suspicious of him, I'm genuinely just interested in where he's going and whether he has had a good time. He never asks where I'm going either. We both know if it's a night out, or if we'll be back for dinner or whatever, he just doesn't seem bothered about talking about it.

I find it very frustrating because I just want to make conversation!

Skatingfastonthinice · 08/02/2015 14:28

We do. 4 adults in our house now and if one goes out, we let the others know where. Post-its and texts are handy too.
Try disappearing a few times yourself OP and see if he gets why it's annoying. My dad did this a lot when they were first married, and back in the pre-mobile days it was a lot moreof a PITA.
Mum had a serious talk with him, and he tried very hard to remember that someone actually gave a toss where he was, and that changing this behaviour was important if the relationship was to work.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 08/02/2015 14:33

This would really irritate me. I don't have to ask DH where he's going as when he leaves the house he says 'I'm going to x,y,z, back in 2 hours' for example. He has never just left the house giving no indication where he's going. I would find it odd! I would do exactly the same. Do you have children?

Hurr1cane · 08/02/2015 14:34

DP tells me. And then the next day or when he gets back we chat about what he did, not because I'm arsed, just to make conversation.

DP has a friend who CANT tell his other half where he's going because she gets immensely paranoid if females are even in the vicinity. If one TALKS to him then all hell breaks loose.

I didn't know this when I first met DP and when I saw his friends girlfriend out I mentioned how polite he is when he visits my house with DP... You know... To be nice, she went batshit. As if we were all having some sort of weird orgy, so I totally understand his reasons now.

kittycatz · 08/02/2015 14:42

YANBU. Sounds a bit suspicious to me. It's normal to let your partner know where you are going and how long you are likely to be away so that they won't be worrying that something has happened.
We always tell each other where we are going, who we are meeting etc. We don't go into minute detail.
To just go out without saying where and then be annoyed when you ask is weird.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2015 14:43

Yanbu
I dont always know exactly where my dh is. And vice versa
But if either of us goes out we say where we are going and for approximately how long.
Rude and impractical (we have 2 DCs) not to.

redexpat · 08/02/2015 14:46

I always thought the reason was that in case you dont come back the other person knows where to start looking, or to tell the police to start looking.

SorchaN · 08/02/2015 14:46

I would find it rude if my partner refused to say where he was going, and how long he expected to be there. It's simple courtesy to say (before being asked!) where you're going.

TheHermitCrab · 08/02/2015 15:02

Seems like he's being a dick.

Unless you are a stalker (and why be with you if you are) then talking about where someone is going is just normal. Doesn't mean you are nosey or controlling. Almost like he's trying to get you to bite and cause trouble where it isn't needed.

I couldn't live with that, but if you can, start going awol and when you come back make sure it's none of his business and see how he feels.

ahbollocks · 08/02/2015 15:02

I would be livid if dh withheld stuff like that from me. It seems like picking a fight for the sake of it iyswim.