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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be told where partner is going when he goes out?

113 replies

Mini05 · 08/02/2015 13:48

when partner goes out on his own he never says where he's going.
I've mentioned this and he says your not interested or I don't gave to tell you, I don't ask where your going.he thinks I'm being nosey, I think it's conversation.

So, if you partner/boyfriends/husband goes out does he mention where? Or when he comes back says where he's been.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 08/02/2015 19:40

He's become like this over last year since retirement

Sorry, i missed this bit. Have you been together long though?

If this is completely new behavior it is a bit odd. Could it be though that retirement has made him feel as if he has lost some identity, or sense of importance, and so he is doing this to feel - more in control. Or special somehow? I don't think i'm explaining myself very well. Am i making any sense? :)

Original poster
Mini05 · 08/02/2015 19:41

Been together 14 years, lived together nearly 12 years.
Defo old school! Gets it off his dad who was his best friend before dad got Alzheimer's there had motor bikes so went to TT, bike race days,, tennis when his mum left his dad himself and two sisters they became very close so as a lot of old ideas ie doesn't like change!

He as changed over this last year, seems to think of himself a lot more
Since his dad was diagnosed " he say things like if I want to do it/go places I want I'm doing it ! I don't know how long I'll be here"
But it's all his terms! Defiantly getting harder to live with! And his attitude to things/people.

Before all this retirement dads illness, he was kind put me first and do lots together now him seems to be trying to cut me out of doing things together
And tends to go alone.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 08/02/2015 19:42

My dad is like this - and it probably also started mid-late fifties. I think it's a control thing. He sees himself as the head of the house, and thinks my mum should know her place and stop asking him. He doesn't actually say that - but I am sure that's what it is.

In my dad's case, he's not having an affair. He will sometimes just pop round to mine and not tell my mum, for instance.

I think it is fucking rude and personally wouldn't stand for it.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 19:46

He may be grieving.
He may have early onset.

Would he go to the doctors?

Velvetbee · 08/02/2015 19:47

It's normal conversation here. I developed a phrase I use on the teenagers that might serve you. 'I need to know roughly where you're going so I can tell the police where to look for your body if you don't come home'.

What does he say if you waft out without sharing where you're going? I think you should develop a mysterious life of your own.

WorkingBling · 08/02/2015 19:49

I think it's pretty rude but to give him the benefit of the doubt, retirement is probably quite scary in a way and he wants to feel "free".

What I would say is don't in any way allow his behaviour to change yours. So if he goes out, don't hold lunch or dinner in case he comes home. Just et in with your day as you would have if he had been at work. Ditto, if you want to go out, do so without feeling obliged to wait for him or tell him.

However, having said all that, I would be inclined to sit him down and tell him it makes you feel like he is trying. To hide things and that he doesn't want you in his life. You have been together long enough that surely it's not unreasonable for him to take your feelings into account.

MrsTawdry · 08/02/2015 19:49

The death or illness of a parent can really affect people. I went very selfish when my Dad died. Took me 2 years in reality to recover.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 19:52

Or he may just be doing what iwasyoung has just said.

Now my suspicions are more swaying towards iwasyoung.

If I were you I'd rule out early onset and decide whether you want to live with it, tell him in no uncertain terms that what he's doing is not on.

Then leave.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/02/2015 19:52

^"Before all this retirement dads illness, he was kind put me first and do lots together now him seems to be trying to cut me out of doing things together
And tends to go alone."^
So we're talking about a pretty big change in his personality?

scallopsrgreat · 08/02/2015 19:52

Asked you've asked for opinions I'd think it was very rude and inconsiderate and the person doing it had a sense of entitlement. Tbh it would be a dealbreaker for me because I think it is indicative of his they viewed me: not worthy to be informed of their movements because only their feelings mattered.

scallopsrgreat · 08/02/2015 19:53

how they viewed me.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 19:54

apologies, I meant if there is no change.

Then leave or tell him to leave.

Original poster
Mini05 · 08/02/2015 19:55

Don't think he's having an affair(although it did go through my mind at one time)

He was a manager @ tax office and had the most horrendous manager you could imagine so retirement couldn't come sooner.
He as to go out morning and afternoon, as he's not the staying in type even if he does he's up and down never know him to watch tv prog through!! In/out garage tinkering with cars.

I don't want to be in his pocket, as I like to go have a look round the shops myself but wish he'd just stay I'm going .... Without him feeling I'm being nosey/controlling

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 20:02

It sounds like a huge adjustment for you both.

It also sounds like he's sort of lost without being the "breadwinner" due to retirement and taking it out on you.

That is not ever right, no-one should ever take out their upset/anger on another person.

If I were you I'd have a very firm word with him and say you understand but you are NOT his punch bag. You deserve respect and if he doesnt like it then maybe he needs to use a bit of retirement money and stay in a B&B to think about what he's doing to you because you will not put up with it.

FoxgloveFairy · 08/02/2015 20:06

The plot thickens. Sounds as though his Dad's illness maybe has made him fear loss of control, so he's clinging to the control he can still have. In a rather unpleasant way. My parents had friends where the husband's Dad had had Altzheimers. At the same age his Dad was diagnosed, he started being quite cruel to his wife and pushing her away. Apparently, it came out that he was convinced he would have it and when it happened, easier for her if she hated him. Maybe too, since retirement, he's a bit bored. A couple of off the petal theories from Dr. Foxglove!

fluffyraggies · 08/02/2015 20:07

You said that when you mentioned it to him he said you're not interested or I don't have to tell you. He thinks i'm being nosy.

Really honestly if this were me and DH i would pick a good moment (for us: evening time nothing stressy going on) and sit down and tell him how much his behavior is hurting me. And how i would not be sticking around if it continued.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 20:20

Im not typing this for sympathy. Im typing what comes next to purely show anyone about what is not acceptable behaviour.

My DP had a car accident
He was paralysed from the waste down
He was very angry
He took it out on me
I was advised to leave

The councillor told me, no matter what has ever happened, the other person has no right to take it out on you.

So, your partner has no right whatsoever to take anything out on you, he has no right to go off and make you feel less than he does. He needs to deal with his own crap basically.

You of course can care and be there but he needs to know you wont put up with shit.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 20:29

oops can never spell that damn word in the right context... counsellor... or course Blush

flyingmonks · 08/02/2015 21:16

He is probably very fearful that he will get Alzheimer's and, having been demoralised at work, perhaps it is all about keeping control of something in his life before his life gets snatched away from him. Living with the threat of Alzheimer's is pretty grim. Not acceptable behaviour towards you though.
All I can suggest is that you live your own life to the full as much as you can, doing your favourite activities with or without him, and perhaps be kind to him and don't ask him where he is going if that is a trigger point for arguments (it shouldn't be but that is your reality at present) and if he feels you are doing exciting things without him, he might want to share more time with you, and if he doesn't, then at least you will be too busy and having a good time to worry about him so much and you might feel less hurt and excluded. It will help put things into perspective for you.

Original poster
Mini05 · 08/02/2015 21:17

I think a lot as to do with his dad's Alzheimer's / retirement he as defo gone selfish!

I've thought of all of the things you have said ladies! And things do need to change. I've tried numerous times to have a chat morning/evening and it turns to the same answer I I I

The thing is a don't really think he thinks he's doing anything wrong(if that's the right phase)and become very stubborn in his attitude/thinking.
So I don't get very far in my talking to him, as he thinks there's no wrong.

He as also said if I don't like it put the house on the market! In anger.
Am not going to waste my time/breath on repeating myself to him when he's so determined to carry on like this most of the time.

Time will tell!

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 08/02/2015 21:29

He doesn't have to tell you, but why on earth would he not? Most people would volunteer the information as a normal part of conversation when you live with someone, and if not, you would definitely say when asked. To actually withhold where you're going is very strange, and fucking rude and disrespectful as well. I couldn't sustain a relationship with someone like that.

PrettyFeet · 08/02/2015 21:36

It doesnt matter what he thinks OP. You are never ever going to know this only guess about it.

It matters how he acts.

No one is entitled to treat another person with disdain.

scotchmincepie · 08/02/2015 21:54

Just asked my husband. If you left the house and I said where are you goung? And you (the huband) -answered 'why do I need to tell you'. Would you do that? And he said 'no, because I like you.'

That's proabaly a good point. Think on it.

scotchmincepie · 08/02/2015 21:56

Ps. I'm not even terribly likeable...

taxi4ballet · 08/02/2015 22:31

OP - is there any chance he might be suffering from depression?

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