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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

999 replies

middleschoolmuddle · 07/02/2015 23:23

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 08/02/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happyhats · 08/02/2015 08:21

I would leave your daughter where she is until after GCSEs. It would be very disruptive to move her now and you've already got her over half way to sitting exams! She's managed the commute this long.Your son can go to state school and will be absolutely fine. You will have the relief of knowing that you're not going to accumulate massive debt putting 3 kids through independent schools! My siblings and I went to a mix of schools and we all like each other and get along! We all have jobs and mortgages too. In fact my sister who went to the local comp got better exam results than all of us!

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2015 08:22

Leave her, it is not fair to move her, she got there on her own Merit.

waithorse · 08/02/2015 08:27

None of this is your daughter's fault. Don't move her. Your just going to have to come to terms with it.

ToBeeOrNot · 08/02/2015 08:29

If your DD has a 100% scholarship it's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. 50% scholarship v 25% bursary is a harder distinction to make.

PopularNamesInclude · 08/02/2015 08:32

I agree with lunar. I think you need to accept that you cannot afford dd's school. You do not have the 8.5k a year to pay for it. Her school fees are putting the family in debt. Your issue is not that your son needs a bursary but that you cannot afford private school for any of them. lots of childen have to move to state when their parents' financial situation changes.

ZeroFunDame · 08/02/2015 08:34

Firstly we hoped that DS would get a place at a superselective grammar but he just missed out on that. Then we hoped he would get a scholarship and he missed out on that. So we hoped he would get a bursary and he did but just not enough.

Is your son not becoming increasingly depressed at the number of ways he has apparently "failed" you?

Surely it's time to let the poor boy relax and just be? It can't be fair to continually make him feel that the whole family's fate (where you live, mortgage capability, his sister's school, parental approval, domestic stability ...) depends on his jumping some exceptionally high hurdle.

And that if he can't do what's "necessary" everyone else's lives must be affected.

I must say I would not like to be in your daughter's shoes. Worst case scenario: you move her, she finds it difficult or even just takes a while to re-settle. Gets mediocre GCSEs; A' Level choice curtailed, etc, etc.

You allowed her to take the entrance exams, she has her scholarship, she has already established herself at that school. You and your DH have a duty to honour that - without it being dependent on what your son has done.

Isetan · 08/02/2015 08:41

Is adding to your ever increasing debt the plan for paying for Uni?

Come on OP, stop compounding past mistakes by making new ones.

Misfitless · 08/02/2015 08:41

lunar I missed that.

I've just re-read the whole conversation, though. Is the £8500 a year on extra-curricular activities, uniform, trips and uniforms etc, do you think, or towards fees?

Is DD on a full scholarship, OP? Or did she get the same % bursary as DS has been offered?

PrimalLass · 08/02/2015 08:42

I can't feel optimistic about it Hakluyt as I think it's a waste of his potential (pfb).

juneau · 08/02/2015 08:46

OP you're living waaaay beyond your means and you know it. You can't afford to fix the boiler, yet you're paying private school fees? This is utter, utter madness! Let it be a lesson to you to work with what you've got, not what you would like to have/hope to have one day/if you win the lottery.

If you want to solve your financial crisis there is only one answer - pull your DD out of her private school at the end of this and send both her and your DS to the state school. Use the money you save to reduce your mortgage payments or move to a cheaper house/area. This will be tough on all of you - especially your DD as she didn't make the choice to send herself to a private school - it was your wishful thinking that did that. But adding £8.5k to your mortgage every year for school fees is insanity.

Misfitless · 08/02/2015 08:47

I bet you'd save an absolute fortune on making packed lunches for DC3 rather than paying for school dinners, OP.

I don't mean enough to fund independent school for DC2, obviously, Grin but enough to make a difference financially to make it worth while.

juneau · 08/02/2015 08:50

In fact, I'm going to quote Albert Einstein to you, in case you don't get it yet: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

All of the posters on here saying 'leave your DD where she is' clearly haven't taken on board the fact that you're paying her school fees with debt. If you can't afford to pay them out of your family income YOU CANNOT AFFORD THEM.

juneau · 08/02/2015 08:53

Oh and one last thing. When you take your DD out of her private school and send both her and your DS to the state school make sure they both know that THIS IS NOT YOUR DS'S FAULT and that it was down to your and your DH's poor financial planning. If you do that you will be able to afford the ex-curricular activities your family enjoys and is good at.

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 08:53

Sorry, have only read first and last page but please don't move your dd. We had to move schools at 13,14 and 16 due to my dad's work relocating. It was utterly miserable and we were all incredibly upset and resentful, not that my dad could actually help it that his job moved!!

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 08:55

Not private schools btw from one vibrant, fantastic state school to a miserable, overly formal, crap one on the other side of the country.

skylark2 · 08/02/2015 08:55

"sadly this is not a wind up"

Then you should be ashamed of yourself. It's not your DD's fault that your DS didn't get a scholarship.

If the question was "should I move DD from her independent school to get a shorter commute" then you should have asked that.

diddl · 08/02/2015 08:57

Can you actually afford your daughter's place?

if not, then I think that the decision is made tbh.

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 08:59

Oh......I should have read entire thread. I didn't know about the financial crisis. My post is rather unhelpful under the circumstances. Apologies op.

NotSayingImBatman · 08/02/2015 09:04

Jesus OP you are in a pickle!

Harsh as this sounds, you can't afford children at private school. Your DD's education is costing you money that you're adding onto your mortgage. That is ridiculous.

In the meantime, you can't afford necessary repairs to your house or car. Your DH is right, it's madness. Put all of your children into state school. This has nothing to do with your DS being the golden child and everything to do with what might happen if your DH were to lose his job...

AuntieStella · 08/02/2015 09:07

I would have thought that asking for a bursary to back up the scholarship might be one way ahead. But even if successful, that solves only the immediate cash flow crisis.

Starting two at a school which you are not sure you can afford long term might only compound/defer your problems.

All sorts of things can happen (and I assume already have) which mean your plans have to change as something you thought you could afford turns out to be unaffordable. Unless you are reasonably sure that your current circumstances, which make the school unaffordable, are temporary and that you have a more robust forward plan; then I think you do need to look at a different school.

If however you can demonstrate that it's temporary (and a short-lived) reversal, then you would probably stand a better chance of getting your DD a bursary in addition to the scholarship even if only for a year. Is there any chance of getting a stop-gap such as that from the school?

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 08/02/2015 09:16

ZeroFunDame has it spot on.

OP I can't imagine how stressed you feel. Our income is more than yours but we each earn below the threshold for CB be ing withdrawn. We've 2 children, live in the north and there is still no way we could cough up £8.5k on school fees for one child, let alone more than that for two.

You and DH need to be the adults here and stop putting this onto the children. Think very, very carefully how you're framing this for your children. Re-read the posts from ZeroFunDame and Hakulyt

Jbop · 08/02/2015 09:23

It sounds like your DD has already moved school quite a few times?

I would leave her where she is, but prepare for resentment from her siblings in the future, and possible guilt from her.

I have also seen a lot of people going from private to state (and the other way) be bullied for it.

Put your DS in the best (free) school you can.

Get a term time job - assuming DC3 is in childcare or school - to cover the £8.5k a year it costs.

Even with a scholarship my parents couldn't really afford to send me (the youngest sibling) but did; it caused issues with my siblings well into adulthood and issues around money for me which I still have today (as my parents were vocal about it). Be wary of this.

Also don't ask your children to make the decisions for you ie asking your daughter if she wants to move with a leading question. She's very young and won't understand all the implications, benefits and drawbacks. Of course take her opinion into consideration but don't use it as a way of avoiding making the decision yourselves.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/02/2015 09:35

Well I said to leave the DD where she was, but it was coupled with down-sizing to afford the school fees out of income. That does seem feasible?

Kachan · 08/02/2015 09:36

My parents moved me from a private school to a state school at the same age. It was bloody awful but then I wasn't the most robust or resilient kid at that age. If your daughter is confident and has good self-esteem and won't take any shit then she might do OK from the move. After my experience though I vowed that my kids would never have to move schools and that I would never over-extend myself financially to pay school fees which is what my parents did. It made life very miserable for everybody.

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