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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

999 replies

middleschoolmuddle · 07/02/2015 23:23

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

OP posts:
FishyNibble · 08/02/2015 00:43

Chipping -way to go, make the OP feel worse than she already does. Nice. Helpful.....

OP - horrible dilemma for you but I'd leave DD where she is if possible and make the most of a bad situation for your DS, No point in both of them being unhappy. How are the other schools in your local area, is it really worth the expense of moving away?

NotNowDarling01 · 08/02/2015 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:49

Why did we even start on this road? Good question! I suppose we hoped that our circumstances would change/be different. It was always a risk.

I've done some calculating and if we gave up DS's 3 extra curriculars we would recoup enough to make the 16% up to 25%. But it's not that straightforward because I've just got offered some work which means that we probably won't even get the 16% and the money I earn will need to be spent on a new boiler plus the flat roof needs mending and the cars need servicing.

Help!!

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 08/02/2015 00:54

I think you should leave DD where she is, the next two years are really important for her and you might find that state schools have already started working towards GCSE's. I think the reality of this situation is nothing to do with DS but more the realisation that you really can't afford it, the school fees are cheap for an independent but why so much on commute, swimming, music.... You need to cut back. In reality life changes though, we all endeavour to do the best by our kids and get ourselves in to situations. If you can afford it then leave DD otherwise moving sooner rather than later would be better for her.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:55

Do you see why it would all be so much simpler if we moved to our local town (20 mins away) and sent them to the pretty good (if league tables are anything to go by) state school?

Why didn't we just do that to begin with?

Well, because we didn't realise which doors were closed to us until they were closed, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 08/02/2015 00:55

Is this a joke? To begin with I followed but now you are talking about making your child quit extra curricular things to allow another child to go to a school you can ill afford. Then you bung in some crap about a roof and car services.

yummumto3girls · 08/02/2015 00:58

Reading your last post, you really can't afford it and you need to worry about the quality of life for the rest of the family. Do you have a grammar school she might get in to, my DD1 is at grammar and try are constantly getting new arrivals!

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:59

yummum you are right that the reality is nothing to do with DS, we really can't afford it and we do need to cut back. DD is a music (and an academic) scholar so we can't cut back on her 2 instruments.

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 08/02/2015 01:00

Do you really need to move house? The money you save on school fees can surely pay for commute fees?

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 01:01

Twinkie, it's not a joke, I wish it was. The child that would be quitting the extra curricular things would be DS and it would be so that he could go. He'd still keep up his rugby as that's cheap :)

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 08/02/2015 01:02

We recently pulled our younger DD out of independent school, I have three, all different schools due to age and personality. Got to say it was a huge relief not having to worry about school fees!

ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 01:03

Really, this has to be a wind up.

If not, is your middle child make of gold whist your others are made of straw?

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 01:05

yummum, she got a place at a superselective in Y7 and we turned it down. We don't need to move house but we thought it might give us a better quality of life and DD is quite keen on being able to walk to school.

OP posts:
ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 01:06

Go to bed.

You aren't going to work this out tonight.

DD needs to stay where she is.

Start there and work back from that.

Sleep first.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 01:11

yummum I have experienced that relief as DD was at a prep for a while before spending some time in the state sector before going private again.

Chipping, still not a wind up, I'm just being brutally honest on here. DS doesn't particularly want to go to the state school on offer, so he's disappointed. DD is disappointed as she really wanted him to get into her school on a scholarship. DH is disappointed because he doesn't earn enough. The little one is disappointed because he doesn't want to move or change schools and I'm disappointed because I haven't even had an interview for any of the last 3 jobs I've applied for. I can assure you, this is my life - what a complete balls-up I've made of it.

OP posts:
Unexpected · 08/02/2015 01:13

Why on earth did you turn down the superselective if your finances were going to be so stretched that you can't afford to fix a leaking roof by sending her to private school?

It's one thing to do your financial planning based on hoping and calculating on getting scholarships and possibly being able to get a job if you only have yourself and DH to think about, it's a completely different thing to plan (or not plan) like that when you have children involved whose education and lives you are in danger of mucking up because you are living above your means.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 01:13

Thanks Chipping, you are probably right. I will watch Mad Men and then I will go to bed.

Thank you so much to all of you for helping me to talk things through. We will have to keep DD where she is, poor thing. Even just discussing this must be hard on her.

OP posts:
2468Motorway · 08/02/2015 01:16

What a pickle. The reality is that even with bursaries you can't afford 2 at private school. In fact since you are adding the current fees to your mortgage you can't afford one. What happens if your car breaks or they want to go on a trip? I think you are going to need to spin this to your son and explain you'll try to move him to the best option. I would be reluctant to move your DD since she is now in some imp years school and friendship wise. You need to explain it carefully though since DD will have 40 k plus spent on her you wont be spending on the other 2.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 01:20

Unexpected, she was offered it when someone dropped out, after a term (she was on the waiting list). By that stage she was already settled at her current school and it seemed wrong to move her. We gave her the choice and she chose to stay. DH thinks that was the wrong decision but he didn't stand up for himself strongly enough at the time.

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 08/02/2015 01:24

The best option I think you've got is to downsize and move to the town where DD's school is. Keep her there. See if you can afford to send DS as well. If he can stay where he is for a year then you'll only have one year where you're paying fees for both.

How old is the youngest one? Are you going to have all this again in a few years?

ShouldiWork · 08/02/2015 03:03

Yes - downsize & move near to DDs school. 16% isn't bad - and you're too far down this road to not end up with both DS and DD feeling that the rug was pulled from under their feet.

needaholidaynow · 08/02/2015 03:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 08/02/2015 03:39

I think that in reality you need to recognise that you can't afford to send one child to private school, let alone two (possibly three). As you also have big commuting issues and the possibility of moving to a town which may offer all of the family advantages then I think you should move. I'm not surprised that your dh is fed up it must be very stressful as you are obviously living above your means right now let alone with attempting to stretch to the extra fees. In some ways your ds not getting the bursary you had hoped for might be a blessing as it means that you can't add even more to your debt load.

DropYourSword · 08/02/2015 04:02

I think on reflection AIBU was a bad choice of place to post this. You actually have a much bigger issue than your first post implies, but it seems that not everyone is taking into account your entire situation and are jumping on you unfairly. I have skimmed the thread and seen some advice but a lot of judgement against you. Hope I'm as perfect as all those who judge and don't ever make a decision that at a later date I find difficult to financially support.

You do have lots of options. I hope you manage to explore them fully and come to a solution that's workable for your whole family.

saintlyjimjams · 08/02/2015 07:20

If you can leave her where she is until after GCSE's then do. ( we are also counting down the months until ds3 moves into state - he'll move after year 6). If you can't then move her ASAP - ds2's school starts GCSE's in year 9 now - quite a few schools locally are switching to this model because of the changes to GCSE's