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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

999 replies

middleschoolmuddle · 07/02/2015 23:23

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

OP posts:
PesoPenguin · 08/02/2015 07:26

I definitely wouldn' move her. I was moved from a bording school to a state school for year 9 and I was bullied all year for having a different accent and be slightly different to my state school peers. It was horrible Sad

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 08/02/2015 07:37

This is a mess and unsustainable. What will you do re: DC 3?

I agree that you need to downsize, keep DD at her school and the other two will need to go to the state school

Also, stop discussing this with your children. To be frank, you massively over-extended yourself even sending your DD if your adding the fees to your mortgage. That is you and your DH's fuck up. Don't know involve your DC in what must be. Really upsetting and unsealing discussions for them. It's not their olace to make you feel better

lunar1 · 08/02/2015 07:42

I'm going against the tide here. I think sadly you need to move your dd and live somewhere you can afford and walk to school. You can't afford what you are paying for your dd. you can't afford the commute or all these extras either.

You will be in horrendous debt after just another three years of dd's schooling never mind adding more into the mix.

Moving now by choice is better than moving mid GCSEs through bankruptcy. You and your DH need to make some choices as adults and stop putting it into your children to make decisions they are not equipped to make.

How much more can you even extend the mortgage and how can you afford the increased payments on the house. You need to get out of this mess and relieve the pressure on your whole family.

Andrewofgg · 08/02/2015 07:44

YABU and I think you know it.

Hakluyt · 08/02/2015 07:45

It's important to remember that it's state school we're talking about, not a salt mine.

Leave dd where she is- she's got a scholarship. Say to ds- sorry, that school was only a possibility if you got a scholarship and sadly you didn't, so you will be going to X school in September. Sweeten it by adding another extra curricular if you like, or spending some money on something just for him- a new better musical instrument, or a trip or something.

And then stop talking about it. It's done. Settled. Time to move on.

JugglingLife · 08/02/2015 07:45

OP, go back to basics. Firstly it is absolutely fine for your DCs to go to different schools. My DS is at a super selective grammar, my DD did not make the cut, she will go to the local comp. My Dsil has her DS at the grammar, DD1 at local comp and DD2 is educated privately. Whether you leave DD is (because you can afford it), or move her (because you can't) seems to be the more important question. You need to make an important decision but if you keep it basic it is not an impossible decision.

Isetan · 08/02/2015 07:52

You do realise that mortgage interest rates are currently very low and they will rise in the not so distant future.

The school fees and commute are putting your family under unnecessary financial pressure.

The question isn't wether YABU to continue sending your DD to a school that DS won't be attending but wether YABU sending your DD to a school you can barely afford.

Purplepoodle · 08/02/2015 07:53

It's very common in northern ireland for siblings to go to different secondaries as they still have free grammer school system in place with the 11+ style exam. Some kids get in some don't, pretty even split.

I think u need to except other dc will have to go to state school. Next decision u and dh need to make is can you afford for dd to continue at the school? Is a transfer to the selective grammer a possibility?

Could u negotiate a higher grant for dd if your ds doesn't take his place?

Purplepoodle · 08/02/2015 07:54

Accept

Chunderella · 08/02/2015 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mixtape · 08/02/2015 08:02

I agree you should stop involving your DC's in this whole process. Yes, you have to take their wishes etc into account but it is horrible as a teenager to feel you are responsible for the happiness / security of your family, or to be manipulated into making a certain choice (or feel guilty if you don't)

Mehitabel6 · 08/02/2015 08:03

I really can't see the problem in leaving her where she is - unless she wants to move.

Malabrig0 · 08/02/2015 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredemma · 08/02/2015 08:05

Would the Ind school suit your DS? is he academic enough?

I have one in Ind school(Sports Scholarship and bursary) and 1 in state comp. The one in state comp would hate private school- it just isnt him.

Malabrig0 · 08/02/2015 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 08/02/2015 08:09

The problem with leaving her dd where she is, is that it still costs 8.5k per year, plus extras plus commute. None of which they can afford.

If interest rates rise you may end up losing the house.

youarekiddingme · 08/02/2015 08:10

Oh dear - this is a mess for you. But life is like that OP and it can be sorted.

Your DD got a scholarship so fair enough she goes to the indi school. Although (and I admit I know nothing about it) I was under the impression that a scholarship meant your school fees were covered - not it would still cost you 8.5k a year.

Your other 2 children are different. They can apply for super selective grammars and scholarships but if they don't get in they have to learn resilience and chose elsewhere or work damn hard and try again another time.

I think the fact that you have a leaking flat and unserviced cars and are increasing your mortgage shows that this lifestyle is not sustainable for you all right now.

Can you look at other options re mortgage? Can you remortgage to a cheaper lender or over a longer period of time decreasing those payments? Then use the spare money to help you get on top of the things that need doing. You don't have to spend the money of school fees.

If your DS can get into a selective indi school he has the ability to do well - he should manage that wherever he is.

PrimalLass · 08/02/2015 08:11

If you want all three to go then you'll end up with an enormous mortgage or in rented. Is it worth it? I'd let your DD finish, move house and send your other two children to the state school.

LittleBearPad · 08/02/2015 08:13

Please stop discussing your finances with your children.

Leave DD where she is.

Is there any chance of a sibling discount? Talk to the school. They may prefer to keep two than none.

Misfitless · 08/02/2015 08:13

Leave dd where she is- she's got a scholarship. Say to ds- sorry, that school was only a possibility if you got a scholarship and sadly you didn't, so you will be going to X school in September.

This!

Don't move DD!

YY to all the people who've said to treat them as individuals, and that's it's OK to send them to different schools.

It's not as if you're financing DD's private education, and refusing to give the same opportunity to DC2/3, anyway, is it? She only goes there because you didn't have to pay for it in the first place.

She has got there on her merits, end of! Whereas I can understand everyone's disappointment that DS isn't able to go, if it were my family, when we got the news that DS hadn't made the grade, that would have been the end of it.

You need to move on. I can understand your DH's weariness tbh, if this is a case of him saying "We can't afford to send DS" and you saying "Yes we can, if we move/take DD out of her school/if I can only get another job" etc, etc.

Has DS been under the impression that he might be able to go to that school even if he didn't get a scholarship? It should have been made very clear to him that the only way he could ever go, would be if he won a scholarship like his Dsis.

Can I just point out that if you move your DD, who is a music scholar, I imagine that the music provision will be nowhere near as good in a state school as it is at her current school.

IMO you are being VVU to consider anything other than your DD staying put, and your DS going to a state school.

SolomanDaisy · 08/02/2015 08:13

Did you post before about taking one of your DC on a long commute to a school in the city if you got a specific job there? I think your whole planning for the future is up in the air and you need to sit down and make a plan for the whole family. You are living beyond your means adding fees for one child to the mortgage, and you have three children. You may well need to remove your DD from school. Private school when you have three children and a £60k income is not a realistic aspiration.

PrimalLass · 08/02/2015 08:15

middleschoolmuddle - we are potentially in the same sort of boat. Very able first child who could get a scholarship (I think). Also v bright second child (still top of class) but without that academic 'edge'.

We'll do the rounds of the entrance exams next year and see what happens (see my above post about what it would do to our mortgage). DS just wants to go to the crappy local high school however, so that's what'll probably happen.

Misfitless · 08/02/2015 08:15

PS - and for goodness sake, make it clear from now on, that that DC3 will only get to go to a private school on a scholarship.

Hakluyt · 08/02/2015 08:17

"DS just wants to go to the crappy local high school however, so that's what'll probably happen."

If that's what's going to happen, probably best not to think of it like that....................

lunar1 · 08/02/2015 08:18

They are funding the dd's place, it's costing £8500 a year.

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