to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

[middleschoolmuddle]

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

Of course teenage boys boast to teenage girls, and of course it is toe-curlingly gauche.

Without getting sidetracked, the situation seems to be:

1. Family is in over their heads financially

1. But really, really wants to head down the path of selective, private education

1. The children are bright enough to benefit from such an education, but not so bright that they can get it for free (no dig intended OP, my kids aren't either.)

1. The question now is, does the OP find a way to come to terms with the cold hard facts of life as they stand now? Or, can she change the financial facts?

Changing the financial facts will require some sort of sacrifice, and she can't come to terms with that either, yet.

Something has got to give OP. What's it going to be? The kids education? Or your time?

And finally, just wondering, what your husband is thinking about all this? Surely he is leaning in a particular direction.

We all have to cut our cloth to suit our means. Private school isn't the be all and end all

"Look. See how the children of the rich behave! I want nothing to do with them and their ways of evil. We are much better off as we are grin."

Much more "see how the children of the vulgar behave........."

My concern was that the OP appeared to be seriously impressed by this scion of wireless telegraphy, and was using him as an example of why her children should all go to this school............

Toomany it's got to be changing the financial facts. As to how DH feels, it's difficult to say. He's conflicted as on the one hand he did 'well' despite going to a crappy comp but on the other he can see that DD is having a much nicer time at school than he had. If I said 'let's pack it all in and send them to the local comp' I don't think he'd put up much of a fight.

I've just been on the phone to my best friend (we went to school together) and she's encouraging me to take a job doing 'whatever' to enable us to send DS next year. That may be what has to happen.

He's conflicted as on the one hand he did 'well' despite going to a crappy comp but on the other he can see that DD is having a much nicer time at school than he had

Very good point actually, life is short, if you can make the day to day life better and more enjoyable why not? Each child has an environment that suits them. If you think your DD is genuinely happy, try and keep her there.

Yes it important to consider the schools attainments but also we want our dc to be happy.

Hak, why would money impress me? And why does it rile you? As my mum said to me when I was heading off to school in the posh part of town, 'it's not where you live, it's how you live'.

A job that allows you to pay for ds can also be viewed as a stepping stone - easier to get other work and generate opportunities when in work. I think you earning should be the answer and take care of your DH's feelings too - he mustn't feel like a failure because he can't afford private education for 3 dc on his own - few people can.

"He's conflicted as on the one hand he did 'well' despite going to a crappy comp but on the other he can see that DD is having a much nicer time at school than he had"

But your daughter might have had a "much nicer time" at the local good comp than your dh did at his crappy comp. Having a "much nicer time" isn't all about meeting in tea shops, skipping across the school green and being serenaded over luncheon. As a PP said that sort of thing is all a bit of an Enid Blyton/halcyon days fantasy. The future that our children will inhabit is a million miles away from the one our parents or ourselves were schooled for. We were prepared at school to be do'ers and now the world needs creators and innovators. The school that best prepares my child for that future is where I would be focussed at sending her/him.

Yes and no, word - a) it was one thread, not plural b) someone in the household thought it was a funny thing to do and now I can't delete it. Was hoping it would die a death so thanks for raising it again.

OP - the problem with the yacht boy anecdote is that you were impressed enough, one way or another, to not only repeat it, but to embellish it with Part II as well.

I'm not against private education. Far from it. But unless you can actually afford it, it's not financially viable. However, moving a child from private into state is going to be hard and as someone has already pointed out, the state schools usually start their GCSE courses in Year 9 - especially for science.

Switching from state into private is generally easier, although there was a girl who started at my DD's school in Year 10 who left after a term as she couldn't settle in.

One thing to remember is this: girls are very pack-orientated in the years between Yr9-Yr11. If your daughter is happy now with nice friends, be thankful. She might not find the same if she switches schools - and this goes for any school, state or private.

Well dougie by 'someone' in your house, I'm assuming it was one of your DC.

Which just goes to show that we all have kids that sometimes do things that are crass and ill-judged ...

I work with teenagers (in a large comprehensive school) and the thing about them is: they all come out with a load of crap at times.

They are kinder than we give them credit for, and more sensible, more mature and really funny. But they also ALL talk rubbish from time to time.

Did anybody see the first episode of Secret Life of a Four Year Old? Even they are bragging to each other about who has the most toilets at home...

(OP: you could sell up, buy a nice house in my neck of the woods and free up maybe £100k of equity to help send all three of your dc to my ds's school which has fabulous lunchtime music concerts, very civilised catering, amazing music and drama and pretty darn good academics for a non-selective school. But it IS non-selective. Top sets are working at a VERY high standard, though...)

I thought the yacht anecdote was funny.

It hadn't even occurred to me that yacht boy might have been trying to impress DD and it certainly didn't occur to her.

I went to school with people like yacht boy. Arrogant and boastful and with shed loads of money. Luckily I was 16 and not 13 and so unimpressed. What is there to be impressed by really? They didn't make the money, they were just lucky enough to be born to it.

The problem with being aspirational as the OP clearly is, is that you can be taken in so easily, which means that some people will find you an easy mark. Yacht boy is clearly amused by the dd's gullibility - BT was founded in 1846 for goodness sake, and was government owned for the majority of the 20th century. It was an incredibly stupid claim to make and should have been greeted by incredulous laughter.

I have to admit I'm not really sure why the OP wants so very much to send her children to private school and whether she has really thought that through. I can understand the 'nice life' argument, but the long commute and not living near to any friends cancels a lot of that out. For many it would be the educational advantage, but there appear to be other good schools available and rejecting the super-selective goes against that too, plus the odd attitude to university. The OP claims it's not the snob value but I really can't see what else is to be gained other than having rich classmates and the Enid Byton lifestyle for a few years.

The OP talks about 'champagne' choices quite early in the thread and I think that's it. Lovely school, lovely house in 'top three' location, multiple expensive hobbies for children who lack for nothing, job with good work/life balance for dh, no work that involves any sort of compromise for OP, Waitrose shopping etc. But not enough money to even service cars. It all seems awfully precarious for questionable gain.

We have a yacht boy school near us. And another for people who never buy furniture.........

word - I like you already!

Hakluyt - ? You mean they have people to do that sort of thing? Or do the people crouch on the floor so that the other people use them as coffee tables? Cheers !

I suspect that Hak is referring to people who don't need to buy furniture because it's all inherited. ie one school for new money and another for old.

Or do the people crouch on the floor so that the other people use them as coffee tables? Cheers

I spent my evening yesterday reading this thread from start to finish. It is fascinating. As an earlier poster said, i went from to to to and back again.

OP, I really feel for you. You and DH appear to have made a series of decisions that have created a perfect storm and you are now faced with some very difficult decisions.

That said, I think you need to reassure yourselves that children, teenagers even, are fairly resilient beings. If you do decide to move your daughter from her school (which IMO, from the info you have provided, is the only realistic solution) she will cope. You tried to give your children a private, selective education, but you can't see it through. She may not understand that now but hopefully she will in the future.

What I have found enlightening is your opinions on what a 'good' education looks like. Obviously one person's 'good' may be another's nightmare.

I went to a dreadful state school. It was the only school in town and the vast majority of children when there regardless of background. I didn't enjoy my school experience one bit. However, I have achieved a lot (PhD from a top 5 global university) in spite of my humble educational beginnings. I always thought that I would send my own children to private schools as a result. But I'm now pretty certain I won't, and I think this thread has put the final nail in that coffin.

You are placing far too much value on the additional 'stuff' that may come with a private education. My teachers were fairly average, the school facilities a bit rubbish, certainly no singing during our rather uncivilised lunches. None of that really mattered because what had the biggest impact by far on my desire to achieve was my parents. They never pushed me. But they did provide me with steadfast encouragement and a desire to see and do more. To inquire. To explore. To aim above the norm. To set my sights almost unattainably high because if I didnt at least try Id never know. And I went off feeling feel safe in the knowledge that I could take risks and always have a home to come back to.

You and your DH clearly value education. But please understand that YOU can play a far bigger role in what your children achieve and do than their school. Sure, a selective, private school might make it easier for them, but what is life without challenge?

Good luck and please come back and update us.

Theforceawakens what a lovely post.

theforce your post was very interesting.

I too went to a dreadful school but succeeded academically and professionally. And some people definitely see this as proof that a bright child can succeed anywhere.

Also, I've heard people say that those extra challenges I faced have made me the person I am...

And perhaps that is all true. But ultimately I did not enjoy school. During my formative years it was not a place that I enjoyed being. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't miserable all the time; I had mates, a laugh, and I did learn stuff. But it wasn't a positive experience.

I want so much more for my DC. Hell, I want the moon and the stars on a stick. So I get where the OP is coming from.

I should also say that I assumed I would not send any DC private. Quite strongly actually.

But then I had them...

TheWord - I too completely understand where the OP is coming from. I was just trying to reassure her that all is not lost. Her children can, and will, succeed even if they don't go to the type of school she wants for them.

And thank you Dean

Oh of course theforce and I think your post was lovely as well as interesting (to me personally).

It's fascinating how environments/events in our lives affect us all differently.

I've had experiences of both sets of schooling, so see the pros and cons.
However, can't help feeling the lead post was misleading.
As a question on it's own, the title sounds like a petty revenge, the first post actually explains it better as a fairness thing, but later in the thread it turns out they also want to move.
So exactly what is the issue? Are they actually saying that they can't decide whether to move or pay school fees? If so, then figure out which you want more. If it's moving, schooling is a moot point, stop beating yourself up on it, move on forwards with your family.
If it's staying put, have a long hard chat with DH over whether you want to save that theoretical £20k, split it evenly between them for schooling somehow (maybe pull her now and educate him to yr9 too?) or carry on as is.
Ultimately, this seems like a simple issue that's being over complicated by self-assumed guilt. Don't do that to yourself OP, life's rough enough.

I would just say, don't underestimate the temporary disruption to progress that a school move will cause.

DS moved towards the end of year 8 (often thought of as a bit of a wasted year) and it took him a good six months or so to recover his former grades -- even though he loved the new school.

If you need to move, better to do it now than nearer to GCSEs.