to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

[middleschoolmuddle]

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

No I don't know what you mean. Seriously. It just seems a bizarre thing to say.

I'm getting confused with your financial calculations as well. Are you on an interest-only mortgage? I also wouldn't rely on an app from your bank to calculate my financial future. It will only be as good as the information you put in, which in your case seems to be wildly off.

"Nothing beats having a chat with granddad about what he loved about Cambridge in the good old days." Are you kidding? I'll tell you what would beat having a chat with grandad - taking some actual careers advice from school, speaking to people who have been to Oxbridge more recently than 50 years ago, going to Open Days, taking a master class - how about trying some of these ideas?

OP, my view is, and has always been, that what I can afford doesn't just mean what's in my current account.

Looking at any large expenditure (which must surely encompass school fees) I always ask myself what will be the impact in one, two, five, ten year's time.

It's not tat you have a large mortgage, or that you won't be able to service an increased amount, it's more that it is a terrible way to pay for school fees. Not so much robbing Peter to pay Paul, but leaving him drugged and naked, chained to a fence in Kabul.

It's obvious to me that you want the best for your DC and have decided that a private education is top priority whatever the stakes. I almost commend you for that...

However, you need to keep in mind all the other huge expenses that are going to come up if you really do want your DC to have every advanatge. I don't know if you have friends with older kids/adult kids but the list of expenses just grows and grows.

Language schools, sports trips, theatre tickets, D of E expeditions (£200 to camp!).
Tutors, music lessons, books and exam costs (yes you pay for GCSEs in private school).
Visits to university open days, interviews.
Onceat university; accommodation costs, food, books, travel, clothes, insurance, phone contracts, internet, a laptop, sports equipment...

And what about an MA, now often an (unoffical) necessity. Hardly any funding or loans. You'll have to pay.

Or professional exams. No help with these without employer sponsorship.

And the dreaded internship(s). Young adults being expected to work for nothing, usually in a city where accommodation etc is so expensive....

Haven't managed to RTFT but have read most of it.

My sister has 3 DC who are all at private school. It is killing them financially and it's very stressful managing the constant, trips, activities, uniform, sports kit etc etc. However all three (13, 11 and 5) are clearly thriving. They also enjoy the music, drama and sporting aspects of private education. When my BiL was made redundant, the whole world almost came crashing down. The stress was magnified about thousand times.

We have 2 DC who go to a very good local state school. Family constantly make comments about how much better the experience is in the private sector. If I'm honest, I can see how my niece is ahead of my daughter (same school year, similar ability). I think some of that is also down to character and how they each approach school work - DH and I both take it seriously btw.

However, we decided NOT to push ourselves down the private route. Partly because it would be a real struggle and we didn't want them to be the poor relation at school.

The main reason though was that we stepped back and really looked at what the state school offers. The atmosphere is great. Young people are clearly happy, smartly presented in an enforced uniform, respectful to staff, good range of extra curricula activities. And they all go on to do what they want to do post school. Most go to university (5 to Oxbridge last year), predominantly "good universities" to read traditional subjects, but also strong relationships with firms offering great apprenticeships and colleges for vocational training. Young people are seen as individuals and encouraged to do the best that they can, that is right for them. There's no snobbery assuming uni is always best. There is much weight given to developing the whole person. Yes, a few fewer subjects are offered. There are fewer prestigious performing arts shows and not as wide a range of competitive sporting fixtures.

I have every confidence that my DC will be supported to develop into young adults with a sense of responsibility, hard work and community. And they know how to eat lunch in polite company

I think your DD needs to stay where she is, but unless you are prepared to make the sacrifices to lifestyle - two working parents, income mattering above CV / work-life balance / job satisfaction - that it takes (and I'm not sure they're worth it), you need to stop the madness now.

I want to show my children a world that they can inhabit (should they chose to), not the one they already do - they see that one every day.

There are no grandparents with big houses and holiday homes abroad for my kids to aspire to.

Ah, so your main aim is maximising the opportunity for your children to get to Oxbridge? And you think that without several generations of top quality higher education as a background you need private education to replace the advantages some people are born with?

If it's economic then they / you would be better off aspiring to ways of earning money than ways of spending it.

If I understand the OP correctly I'd agree - the perceived need for a stellar, paid for education is likely to be far more urgent amongst people who don't have any other options for upscaling their children's futures.

If the inside of a criminal court (say) holds absolutely no fears for you then you can be more relaxed about where and how your children receive their education. If, otoh, you're pretty damn sure that without urgent, backbreaking effort your child is more likely to end up wearing the handcuffs than the wig ...

Unexpected the financial calculations are sound. It is a repayment mortgage that we have paid for 11 years and have 14 left to go.

You really are the most atrocious snob. So your measure of success for your children will be big houses, owning companies, a holiday home etc - all of which can apparently only be achieved through private schooling with lovely music, food and rolling lawns. Let's hope none of your children fail to live up to your expectations.

the word you don't pay for GCSEs in private schools, not ours anyway!

"I want to show my children a world that they can inhabit (should they chose to), not the one they already do - they see that one every day."

Yeah, well. Make sure you don't turn them into entitled little snobs in the process. And maybe remind yourself that Brideshead Revisited is fiction.

war well I've just had a bill for all my daughter's exams . Each one priced seperately.

As an aside GCSEs are much cheaper than IGCSEs I note.

I am not a snob, what is your evidence for that?

I don't think being rich makes you a more worthy human being.

word lucky we don't pay at our school then since they do a lot of iGCSEs!

I do think it gives you more choices.

So Hak, what did you say your background was?

War, you do pay, you know! They just don't itemise it.

Exam fees are a significant bit of budget for state schools. At ours we have a policy of paying for resits (many state schools don't) and some years it's definitely a bit of a scramble to find the money. And much harder to justify now only the first attempt counts for league tables

"So Hak, what did you say your background was?"

I didn't.

middle as someone who has 3 kids in private school (third sibling discount and part scholarship), has a humungus mortgage and business loans and finds the whole thing a financial struggle, your situation worries me. My DH earns double the amount of money they yours does! Fortunately his (heavily invested in) business keeps on growing but if something does go wrong the first thing to go would be the house, so that we could keep the kids in a stable education. We also live up North so the cost of everything is lower than you Southerners. I think you need to accept you cannot afford private education for all 3 kids unless you take on a full time role to fund this, or you sacrifice the "nice" home and Waitrose shopping while you educate the kids.

Hak is there a reason why you aren't divulging? I've said it before - when people are giving advice on here it would be really useful to know a bit more about their background as oftentimes there are differing agendas at work that aren't always obvious.

hak I know the cost of exams will be within the fees we pay-that goes without saying. But we do not pay for exams in addition to the annual fees.

I know what you mean actually, both dh and I made a lot of avoidable career mistakes because no-one in our families had done what we did, and saw peers with more experienced families make smarter moves. For example, doing a phd in the U.S. is a smart move for some academic subjects and we just had no idea how to access that or have thought of it but our kids will know about it. Or a year studying abroad at undergrad for example.