to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

[middleschoolmuddle]

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

I don't really know why you've asked this question as you seem to have decided what to do.

fwiw I was in a similar situation to you. All my children are now educated state. It's fab. and it's free. You just can't afford private school, and it really isn't worth the scrimping that you're doing. If you have good state schools you are a fool to turn them down.

I think you should move to the nice town now and move your dd now. She will adapt absolutely fine. My ds moved in y8 and it was good. He's on for A*s in gsces and has good friends.

Don't underestimate the advantages of living in the same area as the school and your dcs all having their friends within walking distance.

I think they are getting their snobby ideas of state vs private school from you. But seriously you just can't afford it. and it really isn't worth the scrimping and saving. You can pay for music, drama lessons etc, and afford to have holidays, theatre trips, , clothes.

It's a no-brainer for me. You just can't afford private education.

I've seen it so many times. Kids having to fund themselves through University with no financial support from parents. Working shifts, living in hovels, not eating properly, no social life - and trying to study on top. Most manage and good on them. Many don't though. The incidences of depression and anxiety amongst the University population is horrifically high and rising.

This thread os a great big bag of bobbins

is a great big bag of bobbins

He's one of 3 receiving extra help to get level 6 maths

Maths alone? Many children excell at 1 subject and will reach level 6 by end of year 6. I really think yiur conversations need to be more about the latest games etc rather than all this chat of school and how your children work best. Because clearly yiur ds can acheive in state environment.

Fwiw it's worth my own DS is doing level 6 tuition in maths. He's a level 3 literacy and 4 for reading! (So hardly selective grammar material!)

Your talking about it being mad to spend half your income on mortgage but not seeing it's mad to spend half of it on school fees.

DH went to private school on a full scholarship. He says he would NEVER send our DC to private school.

His belief is that he felt under enormous pressure to achieve as it was still a real struggle for PIL to afford the "extras" everyone has talked about. He was the one with the shabby uniform etc. He saw the sacrifices they were making and knew it was all for him and he really couldn't cope and effectively had a breakdown at 17 and failed his a levels. It took him years to turn that around.

He want our DC to be able to go to school without all that worry and be abLe to enjoy the experience.

I don't think PIL were that "pushy" more that he picked up on the fact he had been given a great opportunity and he had to live up to that.

If you really arent helping with uni expenses you're living in the 1950s. I have also seen what silvercatowner said, your dc are going from everything bein lovely in their lovely cuddly private school to a hovel and huge financial pressure at university - this is really cr@p prioritisation. Your choices are not my choices i suppose but I do feel sorry for your dc, should they get to university.

Well, your dc may be able to get funding for university if they can prove that they are completely estranged from their parents and that they have cut all contact with you. If you still want to be a part of their lives, however, you will either need to help fund them through university or persuade them that it isn't worth it.

I'd start planning now how to pay for it if I were you....

I think the OP's response re uni is another example of her thought processes. She hasn't considered that they will be facing uni costs with school fees still to pay as well because she really does believe in that fee fairy I mentioned. If you wish hard enough...........you end up divorced and impoverished.

OP if your children go to uni and apply for funding your income will be assessed and you will be told how much you are expected to contribute. You don't get to cut them off financially once they finish their A levels.

Everyone seems very cross with the OP, either because they think it's disgusting she should consider taking her DD out of private school, or because they are horrified that she should consider keeping her there.

My view, fwiw, is that it's better to keep DD where she is until GCSEs. It's two more years and, yes, it will be expensive, but there's a good chance that if you take her out she will be unhappy and resentful and hold it against you in years to come.

Then after GCSEs, she can go to whichever state school or sixth form college you deem fit. In the meantime, the younger two should go to the nearest decent state school.

I agree, OP, that you don't have the best approach to managing your finances, but I've also seen a lot worse! But the chances are that your DH's salary will go up rather than down, and you will in time find a job, so the financial pressure should ease off a bit.

I don't think that's why people are cross with the OP at all!

We'll obviously help with Uni living expenses but we won't repay the tuition loan. A full maintenance loan is around 6K if you are outside London, I'm sure we'll be able to cover that from income. There'll be no more violin/piano lessons etc. so much of that will be recouped anyway.

If we move to the lovely town that the state school is in DD would still be able to commute to her school, there is no favouritism at play here. However we would reduce our 6th form options as it would be no longer possible to commute to the superselective.

middle the maintaincance loan for students living away from home outside London will be £5,740 maximum.

This loan is means tested, taking into account income but not outgoings.

Many students get less than this.

No, Hackmum, people are annoyed at the OP's total inability to live in the real world and to accept that they simply cannot afford private schooling.

If she could only afford it for one of her three children (and she still couldn't btw) then this situation was foreseeable. It has now happened and she still won't take her head out of the sand.

It is fair on none of them, and there is no ideal way of dealing with It.

People have made suggestions and pointed out the madness of the situation. She is now grasping at straws and showing the strain to her children.

My dd's loan only just covers her rent.

The standard charge for a 38 week let (catered) in halls of residence at Durham university (picked at random) is £6,289.

OP: have you asked your dd what she wants? I think you should ask her if she would like to move to a state school for the next academic year. If she says she would like to stay at her current school then you should continue to fund that until she finishes her GCSEs.
You are making decisions about your dd's education based on her brothers school offer and that really isn't fair. If your DS had scored highly enough in the exam to be offered a 25% scholarship then you would have had 2 children at the independent school and would be finding the money to send them there. However, you only want to remove dd because DS hasn't been offered a big enough scholarship. Thank your lucky stars that you only need to find the money for one child to attend the independent school (and do your best to go a job so that at you don't have to use your homes equity as that is a ridiculous way of funding school fees).
Your dd's education should not be dependent on her brothers offer of a big enough scholarship.

Why can't your DS go to a state school nearby to where you currently live? Why would you need to move house?

It seems you are expecting your dd to make a lot of sacrifices to account for her brothers not good enough exam performance which isn't fair.

And yes, you will have to help fund all of your children through uni if they choose to go. To not help fund them is just plain wrong. So you might as well start finding a way to find the money now rather than continually adding educational funding to your mortgage.

InTheDark

Try reading the thread.

Sorry, I was lazy and only read the first two and last two pages. I didn't read all 18 pages as it would have taken forever. Bad form on my part.

YABU is my reply and I agree that you are garnering pretty blunt opinions because you posted in AIBU.

If we move to the lovely town that the state school is in DD would still be able to commute to her school, there is no favouritism at play here. However we would reduce our 6th form options as it would be no longer possible to commute to the superselective.

Why don't you move to where you think you would like them to go to 6th form then? Why are you thinking of chopping and changing schools so much? Clearly, you need to move to a more urban area with a wider school choice (which is acceptable to your standards) and which also provides more scope for higher household income. I think you might as well release equity from your house and move to a cheaper one and in so doing, make sure (if possible) that you move to a much more convenient area for everything.

And would you really move them after GCSE's? There won't be too many places going at a 6th form state superselective especially if you don't live anywhere near!

All I can say is that there is a huge amount of pressure for all your DC to succeed in order to gain potential entry to (a) grammar in another county and (b) decent scholarship to a selective indie miles away from where you live for which you are actually adding to your mortgage debt. Sorry, using a drawdown facility is additional borrowing - and you clearly cannot pay your current school fees for DC1 out of your income.

It doesn't add up for me - you spend £750 per term on your childrens' school commutes? And you spend how much on multiple extra curricular activities? Bearing in mind, full fees for day schools round here are approx. £15K pa which you still need to find NET.

You definitely need a reality check! I'm afraid that it isn't possible to have it all - but at least, you do have a valuable asset to sell in order to realise your aspirations for your children.

It's still a hell of a burden to pay 3 sets of school fees (and banking on scholarships and bursaries at that!) on a household income of £60K even if you do sell your house to realise equity of say £150K.

I don't really get why many of you think it's so bad to pay for the school fees from our mortgage. We didn't dream this idea up, it came by way of a financial adviser.

For illustration purposes, we currently owe £158K with 14 years left to pay. The monthly repayments on this are £941.

We have an additional 41K pre-approved which we could drawdown today and start spending as we please.

The monthly repayments should we do so would be £1186.

We only need 18K for this for DD.

That doesn't add up.
The difference in mortgage payments would be £245 per month. Times that by 12 months then by 14 years and it's £41,160.

I know interest rates are low but surely a bank is going to want more than £160 in interest on £41k borrowing over 14 years?

(I don't know why I'm still reading this - it's making me really angry, but I can't look away - like a middle class Jeremy Kyle)