to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

[middleschoolmuddle]

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

yy to Kundry

happiness can be achieved by - no commute, friends living in same town, going out with friends at weekends, shopping for clothes, great family holidays, fun extra curricular activities, family not stressed the whole time about finances etc etc

Happiness is not necessarily about the quality of your school French teacher or how the school runs meal times.

I agree, home life and a stable, happy environment is much more important. And yes, good grades are important too, but if you can provide happiness at home and still get the good grades at school, that is enough.

She stays where she is. September she will be stArting GCSE'S. She would have chosen her options and she will not have this choice starting a new school. She will be left with whatever's left..
I changed schools in the final two years. I had no real choice and was left with subjects I would never have chosen. I went into a different system and repeated work I had already done and I subsequently flunked my GCSEs.
That's what it can mean changing schools in year 9/10.
You should have considered finances before sending her and looked at how to fund all 3.

I am so shocked any of this is doable on a salary of 60k (before tax?) wtaf? Well, I guess it's not doable is it or this thread wouldn't exist. This reminds me of my ex DP's brother who was privately educated but can't afford it for his sons despite earning a decent salary. Times have changed and everythings more expensive. Just got to learn to live within your means. My ex BIL kids are doing great with extra curricular activities paid for easily because no school fees.

From reading your dirt her updates it sounds to me as if you and yiur adds are searching for some sort of happiness you haven't found yet. And yiur poor DH is working himself to the bone to support it.

None of your children, or you will have terrible lives because they go to state school, don't get sung to at dinner (use an iPod!), learn their music or singing in a local group etc.

Children can only be really enticed by the indi school sector if they know about it - like any information you get it through listening and learning.

I truly think maybe you do need to move - far away from where you currently are. Somewhere you can reconnect as a family and yiur DH can earn a decent wage but not feel pressured. Somewhere with a choir, stagecoach drama groups and no long commutes.

Some people I know have got themselves into a massive mess while trying to finance private school without the means for it.

They sent their DD1 to private school while in a fairly precarious financial situation, and hoped for the best. Predictably, things went wrong as they weren't prepared to compromise elsewhere in their lives (and chose a stupidly expensive school for the 'experience' it offered) and they struggled to pay the fees. Despite being in arrears, they somehow persuaded the school to let their DS start, and then to give them a grace period on the basis that the financial problem was short-term. The school finished up kicking the kids out mid-term when it became clear that no money was going to be forthcoming.

They moved the kids to another private school, and still can't meet all their financial obligations. But they're obsessed with the idea that no other school can possibly be good enough. Despite living in an area stuffed with good and outstanding schools, which they'd be able to get a place at with a very short wait. They're in real danger of going under, but they will not give up the private schooling idea.

The bottom line is that private education is expensive. You can either afford it or you can't. If you can't, you can't. We are hoping to be able to afford private secondary, but we can't manage private primary. We also have a back-up plan if we get to secondary age and can't be sure of affording it, and we won't even try if we can't be sure of sustaining it right through to the end of school.

I think the worst thing you can do is to start a child at a lovely school with tiny classes and all sorts of extras, and then finish up having to pull them out. On that basis, I'd be inclined to let your DD stay, but make no attempt to get the other two into private schools as it's clearly not sustainable.

Your DD should stay until GCSEs, too disruptive to move before then.

I think its unfair. It would be good to get her to understand just how valuable the position is that she has found herself in. To be on a scholarship at private school means they see huge potential in her and they're confident they can help her achieve where she's going. Even if she supports your decision to move her, high school friends eventually fall by the wayside, her education however will be with her for life.

The other option is to see if she can get a scholarship at another closer private school? Being a new girl at the start of year 10 doesn't sound much fun to me.

It is important that your DCs end up in schools they are happy in and can do well in but it is also important that you don't completely wreck your family finances in the process. School is an important part of a an 11 to 18 year olds life but not the only thing that matters. We hardly live an extravagant lifestyle but we can afford for the DCs to pursue their interests.

Our DCs went to good prep schools (they loved their schools and it worked for us because after school clubs tol 6 meant no child are costs). However there is no way (even with a family income that is a multiple Of the OPs) that we could have afforded for them all to go to private schools. Nor would we have wanted to put them under that sort of pressure. They have gone to a mix of inner city comps and country grammars and no school fees means that we have been able to use private colleges for GCSEs / A levels where needed.

Lost sympathy at the "recognising quality" comment to be honest

Our local private school is not the best in the area but is still 15k per year!! So my children don't go...because we can't afford it. Even though my DH earns a good wage. 3 children so we didn't even think about sending one, although I really would if I thought there would be a benefit to one child in particular

But no wonder some people are very snobby about sending their children to private school when even "poor" people like the OP are

I wouldn't pull my child out of a school in year 9 unless it was absolutely necessary (ie moving for a job) and as many other people on the thread has said it's all about being a supportive parent and giving your children other experiences that's important

I do hope it works out for you

There were a couple of families at ds' prep who got behind with the fees and didn't have any way to increase their income. One parent was called at 10am to collect her child right away. If the child wasn't collected the head was going to call social services. It must have been horrible for the child to have left their school and friends in this way.

I'd move your daughter, going against the grain. Best to do it now than in a year if something happens to your house or your husband's job. We earn over your husband's salary between us and can't even begin to think of paying for private school. Imagine how much money you will free up and the enriching ways you will be able to use it.

Oh dear Op - you really have deluded yourselves. Our family income is approx. £25 grand more than yours, our mortgage is about the same but only 25% of our net, our three kids are bright and my dh has a private school background and we KNOW we can't afford it. Seeing as you've started down that path then you need to sell your lovely house. Move to a modern box and spend the equity on the kids. Anything else is cloud cuckoo land.

My kids went to primary private school but due to difference in cost of the secondary fees I never even considered that my kids would go private even though I would have been able to perhaps eventually apply for bursary!

I simply told them - can't afford, sorry. We are in privilege position of living walking distance to single sex selectives and both got places.

I know of many parents who turned down scholarship places in good private schools in favour of selective Grammars.

Most important issue you and your DH messed up is talkign about fees in front of your kids!
Why do you involve 11 and 15 year olds in discussions about finances! You are building up towards resentment to who got what and why.
Stop talking about money in front of them now! They have no control over it and it would just create more unnecessary stress in their life.

How can your DD feel bad about her brother not getting bursary - This isn't her fault.

Don't even try to make your son slight promise that he may go to private school should financial situation improve unless you can afford it, have bursary and school offered you a place for him.If you keep messing with his head he would never settle in y7 and will be hoping to move to different school.

Leave her where she is, your son has to go to school which offered him a place.

As for increasing your salary/earning power - it is always good idea.

BTW - I as a single parent have greater disposable income than your family and wouldn't be able to afford secondary private education.

Given you new plan, all you've changed about the original plan is to put off a decision for another year, while still dangling the holy grail of fabulous private school in front of your poor DS.

11 pages of advice - and you haven't listened to any of it.

juneau, that's not true, I am listening and I think it may be a mistake to move DD. Even though she has said that she will be fine and has spent some time this morning chatting to a girl she knows who goes to the state school we are considering. She has said herself that the move should be sooner rather than later. A girl in her year at school who is on a bursary is moving to a state school after half term.

DS seems OK with the status quo and we are not making too much of having another go for Y8.

So basically, nothing is changing, but that does not mean I'm not listening to you all.

The kids don't seem too traumatised by yesterday's chat (and associated pros and cons list), DD is preparing a piece for a concert tomorrow night and the boys are playing the PS4 together after a morning's rugby. DS2 wasn't involved in the conversation yesterday as it would unsettle him. The older 2 are quite mature/sensible and I feel that they can handle thinking about these things in realistic terms.

Can't see where the op said her Dh's salary, but trying to get two kids through private school on a salary of £60k is madness IMO.

Utter, utter madness. Net salary wise we're not far off the same income...I would have considered private school even with just one.

*wouldn't

Why on Earth are you talking to her about a possible school move when you haven't looked into the alternatives yet? Surely it's best to wait until you've no other option, all it's going to do is stress her out. There are some things you don't discuss with the children, household finances is one of them.

So basically, nothing is changing

I can't say I'm falling over in shock.

Please tell me that if DD decides to move you won't still try Ds1 for Y8. That would be incredibly unfair.
As it is leaving DD there and others not going is because she has a scholarship which her brothers don't.

What comes through though OP is your absolute determination, above all, to find some way to make this private school thing work while making minimal extra money and no other concessions. Its like you're still hoping your fairy godmother will come and wave her magic wand and make all this possible for you.

Since you and your DH are so keen on private education, can I ask why he took a job with a lower salary? And why aren't you working, for that matter? You've got three DC in FT school. With your lofty aspirations I would expect you both to be working and earning the absolute maximum you can.

I started this thread thinking we should probably move DD to a good school in a local town where she could go along with DS and that we should probably move house to said town so that they could walk to school. We even went and looked at a house yesterday (which they both loved).

Now we are thinking that we will stay put, DD will continue at her private school and DS1 will be on track for the good state school. We'll introduce packed lunches in the summer term and do some work on the house to get it up to scratch for a holiday house swap. And we will use the money I'm earning to fix the roof, have the cars serviced and buy a new dishwasher.

The kids will continue with their extra-curriculars and DS1 and I will still keep our weekly appointment at the tea shop whilst DS is at choir.

I've tried to reassure DD that we are only trying to do what's best but that it sometimes hard to know what that is. She asked me how she would know if she was stressed :)