to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

[middleschoolmuddle]

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

I think you really need to accept that you can't send 3 children to private schools on an income of £60k. We are educating our DD and DS at private school - we moved DD from the state system in year 5 (rather than send her to the local middle school). DS moved at the start of year 4 (but only because DH moved job and got a fairly substantial pay rise). Our income is twice yours (we both earn around £60k), and we can afford for the DC to go on all the trips and extra curricular clubs - so they are getting the 'private school' experience. We're certainly not in the 'rich parent' league though (we don't go to the Caribbean for half term, and then skiing for New Year, etc.). On the other hand, we do know plenty of parents who cut back on everything else to afford school fees. Including one set who rely on the husband getting a certain level of bonus each year. It sounds like a very stressful existence.

We knew we wanted a private education for them. This is one of the main reasons that we only have two children. We started saving towards this goal as soon as they left their private nursery for their state lower school. We have enough savings to pay the mortgage and the school fees for 2 years (although we'd still need to earn enough to eat and pay the utility bills). We also have medium-term investments that mature each October and which cover approximately a terms worth of fees per year. This is the reality of private school these days - it is much more expensive than it used to be (DH's parents sent him and his brother to boarding school on a lower income than ours - we certainly can't afford for our DC to board). You have to plan ahead, and be realistic.

Keep your DD where she is until she has done GCSEs. Send your other two DC to state schools.

I started this thread thinking we should probably move DD to a good school in a local town where she could go along with DS and that we should probably move house to said town so that they could walk to school. We even went and looked at a house yesterday (which they both loved).

And this is still BY FAR the most sensible plan. If you're worried about her missing out on GCSE choices, etc, you could even move her at the start of the summer term so she'd be settled in and get her timetable for Sept sorted before she starts her GCSE curriculum.

I moved my daughter from a private all girls school, she had full scholarship, was an A* student.
my reasons for moving her where different, we had moved and to get her to her school was a 2 hour round trip and was impacting on our life, especially her younger siblings.
she wss year 9 when she moved, shes now year 11 and doing gcses and looking to scrape in with hers c's to get into college.
I wish id never moved her.

P.S. You haven't said where in the country you are. I'm guessing you aren't that far from me (I'm in Bedfordshire) based on the changing from 3 to 2 tier schooling and the selective grammars being in the next county (Bucks).

juneau I am looking for a job. I have been working part time on and off for the last few years but was a SAHM for many years before that.

DH took a dip in salary for a job with a better work/life balance. He can now work from home a lot and help out with pick ups and the general ferrying around that goes with having 3 DC at 3 different schools miles apart and 4 extra-curriculars each.

As an aside, I'm surprised at posters saying you shouldn't appraise DC about the family finances.

We've always been very open about this with our DC.

We're very open about family finances with our DC. They know that they are very lucky to be able to go to their current schools. They also know that my sisters salary (she's a teacher) would cover school costs and nothing else.

TheWordFactory
As an aside, I'm surprised at posters saying you shouldn't appraise DC about the family finances.

We've always been very open about this with our DC.

Agree to an extent. dC1 wanted to go on a school holiday, we said yes but pointed out there were things they wouldn't be able to have that year as money only stretched so far. I think it is right that children appreciate the value of money. I think OP has gone beyond this though judging from her updates. It's not good for children to feel guilty because of the financial decisions their parents have taken.

Pros for keeping your DD at her school:

1. She's happy;
2. You don't want to risk her messing up her GCSEs if she doesn't settle into new school.

Pros for moving her:

1. No more debt added to your mortgage, which you will struggle to pay if the payments keeping get higher/interest rates move;
2. She and your DS will be at the same school, which they could walk to, so no long/expensive commute any more;
3. Removal of possible course of tension between your DC as one gets private education and others (who want it), don't;
4. You and your DH can live within your means and not keeping worrying about money;
5. Money in the pot for family holidays, days out, extra-curricular activities.

The pros of moving her massively outweigh the cons.

middle - I'm wondering if your DH is a solicitor and you were hanging your hat on a partnership. If so, even of he does get one, it's unlikely to quickly significantly increase your income. Most junior partners (due to having to make own pension contributions) barely clear in the first couple of years what they were earning as senior associates.

Plus the first year is particularly hard due to the way the tax works out in your first year of being self-employed.

Separately, firms are notorious for leaving senior associates dangling on a promise. If he's not made it at around 10-12 years PQE, then prospects look poor. It's hard to go into the market seeking a partnership either as so many clients are clients of the firm. Also, it's much easier to clear out a non-performing junior partner than to is to get rid of an employee. And firms really do this now. So, potentially, your DH's job situation could ironically become more precarious. It is not the golden ticket it once was.

Feel free to ignore this if your DH is not a solicitor/professional services but please don't rely on an elusive partnership to fund this dream

I also wonder if this feeling that your DH "deserves" a partnership but has somehow been passed over so adding to your feelings of being hard done to about the removal of a lifestyle you feel your family should have had

I don't see any 'muddle', you can't afford private education.

DH is not a solicitor. He works for a growing software company.

Some other pros for keeping DD at her school:

1. She's a scholar and gets fantastic opportunities because of this.
2. She has some great friends that she would really miss.
3. She works best in a selective environment.
4. Her bus fare is cheaper than it would be if she went to the 'local' school (i.e if we don't move)
5. She won't have to sacrifice one of her GCSE choices for RE.
6. She has access to great careers advice.
7. She gets to sing in an amazing choir and play in some great ensembles/orchestras.
8. She plays proper sport and swims at school.
9. Very nice food on offer at lunch times (but I think we are going to go down the packed lunch route).
10. Excellent quality instrument tuition with lots of concerts and competitions etc.

So what's your dilemma?

Do you know what really irritates me about this thread? The utterly disingenuous thread title. It was written in such a way to make the initial posters all go 'no that would be utterly unreasonable, you must keep your daughter where she is, poor love it's not her fault her brother is a failure'. And then you could show it to your husband to make your point.

The truthful aibu would have been 'should I move my dd out of her private school due to our utterly idiocy around financial planning and inability to pay for our other two children or even for the car to be repaired?'

The answers may have been different then. Your daughter isn't being educated for free, it's costing 8.5k. Your son 'failing' to get a scholarship is an irrelevance.

Are you the one who was planning to send your third child to a school near the office of a job you hadn't yet got (university town) which wouldn't have involved a bonkers commute of over an hour? Do you like making things really complicated for yourself?

I don't think you should remove her-she's bound to resent it, however I think you should have thought about it before, and thought about what you would do.

Dd1 got a scholarship to a private school, and one of our reasons for turning it down was that we wouldn't be able to afford it for both our other dc even if they got a scholarship. (She went for it due to strange games our secondaries locally were playing, but they did sort themselves out so it was okay)
There were other issues with the school, but it would have also been good for dd1, and also dd2 if we could have afforded it.

However I also know that getting or not getting a scholarship is out of the control of your dc and you. I suspect the school may well be less inclined to offer a second one in the same family (I certainly know that can be the case) because they probably really expect the second child to come too, may well even ask the older one if they expect to.

Also as they're usually a limited number, there's also the aspect that it's not about getting 90% or whatever, it's being in the top 3 (or however many). So you happen to have 3 exceptional children in one year, and your very bright dc may be well down. Another year, there's no one above the ordinary (or they've already accepted other places) and you can find your dc top by miles.

So having the situation that they can only go if they get a scholarship, although you can say "one got it due to their hard work" isn't as fair as it sounds.

In your circumstance I might try asking for a meeting with the finance person. Ask if there's any other help you can access. When they say there isn't, you say something along the lines of "Really sorry, then we'll have to turn down the place. We did want him to come here, but we really can't get the finances to work." And give the letter refusing the place.
Then they know it is financial reasons you have refused, and if they have any leeway (which they may not) they do have the option of coming back to you and giving you another option. They may look on you as low priority as you have a dc already at the school so may well come anyway.

1) She's a scholar and gets fantastic opportunities because of this.
Umm okay
2) She has some great friends that she would really miss.
This would be the case wherever she was
3) She works best in a selective environment.
Meaning all girls?
4) Her bus fare is cheaper than it would be if she went to the 'local' school (i.e if we don't move)
Okay, but I thought you would probably move if you sent your DC to the local school?
5) She won't have to sacrifice one of her GCSE choices for RE.
So she takes one extra - if she's bright that shouldn't be too hard.
6) She has access to great careers advice.
Yep - that's private schools for you (although I had shit careers advice at mine)
7) She gets to sing in an amazing choir and play in some great ensembles/orchestras.
This would still be possible in a state school, but they'd be different orchestras/ensembles.
8) She plays proper sport and swims at school.
Yes, sports are much better at private schools.
9) Very nice food on offer at lunch times (but I think we are going to go down the packed lunch route).
This is ridiculous - sorry!
10) Excellent quality instrument tuition with lots of concerts and competitions etc.
Again, you can get a private tutor for musical instruments and she can still enter competitions. I accept that there may not be as many school concerts, but if she joined local orchestras and ensembles, then I don't see why she couldn't do more outside school.

The bus fare thing is fairly ridiculous too if you'll be saving £8.5k a year on school fees.

You don't know she works best in as elective environment. You think she does because that's what she's been used to at secondary. You can't actually know that.

Never mind careers advice, I'm hoping they offer financial advice so she never ever does what you've done.

You CANNOT continue down this route you can't afford. Are you going to sell your nice house and move somewhere less lovely to pay for the choice you've made? Or are you going to wait for the fees fairy to show up? you need to think about the example you're setting for your kids.

There are "fees fairies"?? Well, now I'm annoyed. We've never had one!

I wouldn't move a child in Year 9 unless I had to. However one thing I'm not clear about - did your DD'S cohort at the State school start at the end of year 8 as per original 3 tier system or end of year 7?

If they transferred at end of year 8 then at this point in time they haven't been there for very long, friendships will still be fairly fluid at this point and they are fairly likely to be just approaching option choices, . It is quite a different situation to changing in Year 9 at a school where they start in Year 7.

Sorry, can see I am talking rubbish and you had year 8 start Uppers snd not year 9.

How did you ever think that you could afford school fees for 3 children on £60k? It was never a realistic option, even one on £60k is a stretch. You need to be realistic.

Private school was really important to me. And I'm lucky enough to have a parent who pays half the fees, and will often stump up for extras which I have discounted. And me and DH both have above average paying jobs.

We stuck at one child though, as that is all we can afford. Even with all that support.