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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to defer or not to defer (Scotland)

141 replies

confusedinkirkie · 07/02/2015 10:55

Deferring DC1 means that he would end up in the same school year as our twins.

I am totally torn. DH thinks it would be better to be in their own class, but so many people defer that a February birthday would probably be very, very young for that year.

OP posts:
yawningbear · 07/02/2015 11:43

We have decided not to defer DS, same reasons as bigkid, far less being deferred apparently. I work full time, nursery fees are staggering large. Nursery have said he would be bored etc etc. We went to a school meeting recently and nothing that was said there made us think we should defer. People do have very strong opinions about it though. So many people have told me that we must defer him, long term benefits etc, but ultimately you have to do what is right for all of you. If the tide is turning as we have been led to believe by the time you reach 2018 things may be very different.

redspottydress · 07/02/2015 11:45

Were your twins preemies?

Original poster
confusedinkirkie · 07/02/2015 11:47

Everyone I have spoken to says that it is secondary where the age differences really come into play, which is one of my concerns.

OP posts:
yawningbear · 07/02/2015 11:49

Good point trixy, you would hope they wouldn't, but nursery seemed clear that this often happens with those that have been deferred. They said they would step up their game, make sure there was plenty to stimulate him so it wasn't that they were saying we shouldn't defer, just that in their experience this is what they have found can happen.

Original poster
confusedinkirkie · 07/02/2015 11:49

No, the twins were right on time.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 07/02/2015 11:50

Depends on the child. DS was in a composite class. There were two children with almost the same birthday but one in the younger primary and one in the older. Both fitted exactly where they were - I cannot imagine how deferring the boy in the older half would ever have been the right thing (bright, tall, confident etc.)

yawningbear · 07/02/2015 11:52

At the meeting we went to recently they spoke about one of the unexpected down sides of deferrals in young people now at the other end of High school is that some of those deferred are choosing and able to leave without any qualifications at all because of their age.

Namelesswonder · 07/02/2015 11:52

In DD P6 class half the kids have birthdays from October onwards so maybe you should find out what the deferral rates for your area are. In my area very few people defer without a reason and birth month isn't the prime reason for deferring - maturity and ability are more likely reasons.

Studyingmummy · 07/02/2015 11:54

Tough one, I deferrred DD whose now 12 & P7. Have never regretted it & she is doing brilliantly at school. I would say defo defer an end of Feb baby but would be cautious inyour situation with 3 ending up in same year! Would you defer the twins too? My DD's birthday is late December & there are 2 kids with earlier birthdays than her who deferred. The age range in their year is huge though. Eldest child was 12 in Oct, youngest isnt 11 for another 2 weeks. When they were younger many kids seemed really babyish for being at school.
As Owl said in Scotland they don't have to legally be in schoool till turned 5 so maybe best to defer all of them . Nursery funding shouldnt be an issue cos a Feb child would start theri funding at Easter anyway so wouldn't normally get 2 whole years if starting at 4.5 (not sure the situation if they are in private nursery for childcare though). It wasn't even mentioned with my DD & there were quite a few deferring in her nursery year (6 or 7 IIRC). They all automatically stayed at nursery the extra year.

As an aside does this mean you have a DS born Feb 14 & DTs born Nov 15? There are 2.5 years between DD & my DTs so I take my hat off to you! Part of the reason for deferring DD was I felt I had spent so little time with her when the boys came along. Wasn't the main reason though, she was 6wks prem & really tiny for her age. She still is, she's 3rd oldest in her year but is the smallest! There are P5 kids taller & older looking than her, bless her. I have never regretted my decision, but think I would have regretted sending her the year she should have gone. DTs are a June birthday and were fine starting August after turning 5 though I do think thye start really young in the UK, would much prefer a European system where they start at 6. Good luck!

Original poster
confusedinkirkie · 07/02/2015 11:57

As an aside does this mean you have a DS born Feb 14 & DTs born Nov 15?
It does indeed DH takes them all out on Saturday mornings to give me some peace!

I think deferring all three is the best option at the moment. I really don't want all three of them in the same class or year group.

OP posts:
o0 · 07/02/2015 11:57

I would defer all 3.

I deferred my rwo DS's and both have November birthdays. Best decision I've ever made for them.

bigkidsdidit · 07/02/2015 11:58

Data show that there is no long term benefit from deferring in terms of exam results. It's on the Scottish gov website. (Doesn't mean there isn't a benefit in terms of happiness / engagement with school, obviously)

PumpkinsMummy · 07/02/2015 12:01

We have just deferred our January born DS. Mainly for the emotional maturity to be honest, he just isn't ready for school IMO. I have looked into the studies etc and it seems to suggest that if children are behind in P1 then they don't generally catch up until P3 and by then I feel that he will have been put off school!

Also, I was always the youngest, and although quite academic, my emotional immaturity showed higher up school. I didn't want that disadvantage for DS. We spoke to his teacher and she said that in her opinion, if there was any doubt then defer. In her experience, no-one ever regrets deferring their child, but plenty regret not doing so.

In terms of your twins, then you could choose to defer them also as you would in all probability have a reason that would satisfy your LA. If it was me, I would ring the LA and check with them whether they would consider an older sibling being in the same year a reason for deferring.

I always though as DS got older parenting would become easier, oh how naive I was - it's a mine field of decisions and hand-wringing!!

Journey · 07/02/2015 12:02

In some ways you need to ignore the fact that he would be in the same year as your twins if you deferred him, and just focus on the question of whether he would be ready for school or not?

Being able to defer a January or February baby automatically is a luxury. Too many parents view it as an issue when in fact they are very fortunate they have the choice.

I've deferred two of my dcs. Deferring a November or December is no longer easy. A few years ago it was quite easy. Your November twins will not get their nursery funding paid for if you deferred them just for being November babies.

Go with your gut instincts for your ds.

APlaceInTheWinter · 07/02/2015 12:03

trixy the last year at our nursery wasn't just playing. It was preparing the DCs for school. The nursery staff worked differently with the pre-school year, and deferring DS would have meant he was repeating the pre-school preparation he'd already completed. Also the nursery curriculum stayed the same so it would have been the same projects too.

PrimalLass · 07/02/2015 12:10

Plus seeing your friends go off to P1 can be a blow too.

It is really too early for you to decide IMO. When you consider what a large % of their whole life a year is, you could be so much clearer about it all next year.

Original poster
confusedinkirkie · 07/02/2015 12:13

I really feel that I can't ignore all three being in the one class. I'd be worried that it could cancel out the benefit of deferring.

OP posts:
TigTrager · 07/02/2015 12:15

I deferred my end of Feb born DS, he is halfway through P1 now and will soon be turning 6. I'm so pleased I did - he has taken school in his stride and is doing really well. I think it would have been a much bigger adjustment last year.

If you have the option to defer the twins as well I would do that. I don't think I would want him in the same year as younger siblings if it could be avoided. I think you can defer Oct - Dec born DC, it's just a different process - I would think your reasons for doing so would be valid though.

PrimalLass · 07/02/2015 12:15

I'm confused with the dates. Are the twins born yet? A PP mentions 2014 and 2015 births - should that be 2013 and 2014? Either way your DS is only 1 or 2 so far too early to know where he will be relative to his classmates.

My DS is an August birth and started school a bit emotionally behind his classmates but far ahead academically. P1 and P2 were a bit tricky socially but he was so ready in other ways.

stargirl1701 · 07/02/2015 12:18

Feb birth. Defer.

The twins are eligible to defer as they fall in the Sep-Dec group. It isn't as easy but doable.

I haven't ever met a parent who regretted deferring but met a few who seriously regretted not deferring.

Original poster
confusedinkirkie · 07/02/2015 12:20

Yes- Feb 2013 and Nov 2014 Blush

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 07/02/2015 12:23

I know very very few children that were deferred in our area. I think there is 1 in dd's class and 1 in ds's class - the rest started school when they were supposed to. It is also harder to defer children who do not have a Jan/Feb birthday

APlaceInTheWinter · 07/02/2015 12:24

I wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that all 3 will be in the same class as I think it will impact on your DS and the DTs. Of course you may be able to defer the DTs but that depends on your LA's attitude to deferrals.

I know a PP said no-one ever regretted deferring a DC and I think it's probably true that most who defer, don't regret it. But, I do have a friend who deferred her DS and wishes she hadn't. Of course, she didn't revisit the nursery to tell them that so they have no idea she regrets deferring. She felt she'd made the decision for her reasons rather than for her DS' benefit.

However I also know lots of parents who deferred and are happy they did so.

It's why it really depends on your own DS.

trixymalixy · 07/02/2015 12:28

Aplace, I would think that a very poor nursery indeed who would rather you didn't defer your DC, because they rehash the same projects every year. Hmm

Eva50 · 07/02/2015 12:29

I would defer all three. Ds1's friend (in his year) is an October birthday and exactly a year older than ds. I have 2 friends with November babies who have deferred and have no regrets. They both got nursery paid for another year. I also have two friends who were advised by the nursery to defer but chose not to. One child repeated P1 and the other is in P4 now and very behind.