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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my friend to choose the same birthday as my DD

110 replies

handandshrimp · 05/02/2015 02:36

My friend's due date is about 2 weeks after my DD (who will be 2 next birthday)'s birthday. She will need a planned C Section for pre-existing issues (hers, not her baby's) and was talking to me about the dates she would like this to happen?
One of the dates she would like is the same date as my DD was born, and she is well aware that this is my DD's birthday. If her baby decided to arrive spontaneously on this date then fair enough, but to choose it consciously makes me feel weird.

I want my DD to be able to celebrate her birthday in her own right and not feel like she has to share her birthday with someone else, because my friend 'liked the numbers'. This friend has much involvement in our lives on a couple of levels and we have mutual friends who will be involved in both our children's lives. Both our children have been conceived using IVF and a donor (not the same one!) and have been a long time in the making, and my friend has drawn parallels between their 'special connection' already.
AIBU and pfb for feeling annoyed by this? DH thinks she is BU also. She could pick any date really, but wants this certain date (and possibly another that the numbers 'feel right').

OP posts:
Sephy · 05/02/2015 02:45

I think YABU.
It's just a birthdate, and isn't going to matter to you long term. Friends sometimes come and go - your DD is unlikely to spend the rest of her life feeling like she shares her birthday. And it doesn't make her birthday any less special, it doesn't mean you have to share parties etc.

Having said that, has she definitely been offered the choice? I wasn't given any choice, and they only looked for the week preceding due date - all fully booked on the first 4 days they looked at.

Threeplus1 · 05/02/2015 02:51

YABU you don't own the date. There will be many others with the same birthday. You don't have to celebrate together, you can do your own thing.

I was born in my mum's (a twin) birthday, my sister's is the next day. Now that Is sharing a birthday

MidniteScribbler · 05/02/2015 03:00

Oh FFS. Get a grip.

heartisaspade · 05/02/2015 03:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 05/02/2015 03:05

YABU, I think.

My best friend for over 40y has the same birthday as me. Our mums also shared a birthday (not ours) and friend's sibling was born on her mum's birthday too! We've always really liked that our birthdays are the same, it's been lovely to share special birthdays! Our mums worked around us having the same birthdays by communicating with each other and making sure parties didn't clash and so on.

Anyway - apparently in a room of 24 people, chances are very high that 2 people will share a birthday - they're not THAT special! So don't worry about it.

lazydog · 05/02/2015 03:08

YABU. Can't see why on earth it would matter. But, if it's any consolation, she may well not be allowed to choose any date before she's @39wks. I wasn't and was pretty gutted because 38 wks and 6 days would have made DS2's birthdate 03/03/03...

Eminybob · 05/02/2015 03:13

Yes, yes YABU.

Don't be bloody ridiculous. It's not any of your business, and it's not going to make your DD's birthday any less special ffs.

Original poster
handandshrimp · 05/02/2015 03:13

Fair enough,suspected that might have been the response. If it ended up they shared a birthday I would have probably thought 'hey what a coincidence' but the fact she was actively considering choosing it (hasn't been offered that date by the ob) I thought was a bit odd. Too right we won't be doing shared parties although could be awkward for our mutual friends if they have to choose. But not my problem really

OP posts:
MrsEdinburgh · 05/02/2015 03:17

Both YABU & YANBU.

As Three says you don't own the date. Your friend is entitled to choose the date she wants.

But it may cause a few headaches with birthday parties, unless you are prepared to either plan or compromise on parties not clashing so both girls & mutual friends can attend each party. (That's if they are invited or want to go.)

NaughtyRed82 · 05/02/2015 03:19

My best friend had her son (naturally) on my sons birthday, many years between them, but I thought it would be funny if she fave birth on his birthday and mentioned it ages before she did, he was quite early too, so wasn't even due the same month, but we like to think that it's cool that our boys both have the same birthday now. It's her choice really at the end of the day and think you should just try and respect that and see what she decides when time comes to book it

SavoyCabbage · 05/02/2015 03:46

My dd's best friend has the same birthday as she does. They don't give it much thought as this is the way it's always been!

Once we had a joint party and the other times we have separate celebrations. We, the mothers, usually discuss it between us. I'll say 'I'm having dd's party on the Saturday morning after their birthday' and she will say 'ok, I'm having mine on the Thursday after school'.

She doesn't say ' you bitch, I want my dd's birthday to be special'.

I haven't a clue when my other friends dc's birthdays are.

BabyBumpHopeful · 05/02/2015 03:51

In light of her already drawing parallels between you and your children already, I totally understand feeling like it's a bit too matchy-matchy to choose it on purpose... but try and focus on the positive. Your kids will always have something fun in common if she does end up choosing it :) Remember that she too could feel like it would take the focus away from her child if she were to choose that date, so it's great that she doesn't feel negative about it, but positive instead.

DropYourSword · 05/02/2015 03:53

I'm a bit confused you'd give this thinking space! There's an average of 360,00 births per day. Your daughter already shares her birthday with a shit load of people!

Eastpoint · 05/02/2015 04:08

Even if she hopes to have a c-section on a particular day it doesn't mean she will - you can be bumped and have to wait if the hospital is full or someone else has an emergency.

MouseInTheSkirting · 05/02/2015 04:20

It seems like you're talking more about someone you really dislike rather than a friend. She's done nothing wrong apart from trying to create a link you don't want. I'd hate to read my friend talking about me in the way you've talked about her. I hope she's got real friends too.

lbsjob87 · 05/02/2015 04:45

I kind of see where you're coming from, but it sounds like your friend needs support, not judgement.

My frankly always U SiL told me when I was pregnant that she would be personally offended if I had my baby on her pfb's birthday, despite the fact I wasn't due until two weeks afterwards, as "it wouldn't be fair" on her DD.

I told her to get a grip - and when my DS arrived by emergency C section on the day before, the priority was that he was safe. I didn't give a shit if he'd arrived smack in the middle of my neice's birthday party, as long as he was OK.

Now, it's not even an issue, the kids are not the same age, they do their own things on their birthdays and it doesn't matter.

If that's the date she wants, then that's up to her.

Nolim · 05/02/2015 04:49

Yabu. You dont owe the date.

rootypig · 05/02/2015 04:53

I was all ready with my YABunbelievablyU until I got to "my friend has drawn parallels between their 'special connection' already"

If she is planning on this date because it's your DD's birthday, she is BU. And creepy. If she is choosing it for reasons of her own, YABU.

But overall it sounds as though she's a little close for comfort. You don't enjoy the parallels between your lives the way she does?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2015 05:06

Seriously, she wants to deliver her child two weeks before the due date, just to make the child's birthday match your DD's? And "has drawn parallels between their 'special connection' already." It's a bit stalker-ish, IMO!

And yes, if there are a lot of mutual friends, the first few years of birthday parties will need a bit of co-ordination if the mutual friends arenot tobe forcedintochoosing which one to attend. But after a couple of years, your DD will probably want her schoolfriends at her party and not mummy's friends' children, so that will sort itself out with time.

YANBU to want your friend to get a grip have her child as full-term as her health permits.

Yarp · 05/02/2015 05:18

Don't worry. I doubt you'll have much to do with here i the fairly near future. This one doesn't sound like a friendship for life

sashh · 05/02/2015 06:05

I share my birthday with Winona Ryder and Joseph Geobels.

Some people were born and continue to be born on 7/7 and 9/11.

Having another little girl or boy born on your daughter's birthday is a much nicer thing to share the date with.

Finola1step · 05/02/2015 06:11

I think YABU.
But I also think your friend is being a bit strange to want a c section on a particular date because it is your dd's birthday.

FrancesNiadova · 05/02/2015 07:23

I'm a twin!
Even now I don't sing, "Happy Birthday to Meeeee."
It's actually rather lovely sharing something special like a birthday with someone you're close to. Not phoning my twin on our birthday or seeing my twin near the date would just seem odd. When we can, we meet up, our 2 families get together & we share a meal out. Special birthdays are always shared & birthday cakes always had 2 names on.
YABU and much too precious

adsy · 05/02/2015 07:26

God you sound precious. You do realise you dd shares her b'day with a good few million people, don't you?

SuburbanRhonda · 05/02/2015 07:35

The claustrophobic nature of this "friendship" is clearly more of a problem - the date-matching is just the icing on the cake.

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