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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my friend to choose the same birthday as my DD

110 replies

handandshrimp · 05/02/2015 02:36

My friend's due date is about 2 weeks after my DD (who will be 2 next birthday)'s birthday. She will need a planned C Section for pre-existing issues (hers, not her baby's) and was talking to me about the dates she would like this to happen?
One of the dates she would like is the same date as my DD was born, and she is well aware that this is my DD's birthday. If her baby decided to arrive spontaneously on this date then fair enough, but to choose it consciously makes me feel weird.

I want my DD to be able to celebrate her birthday in her own right and not feel like she has to share her birthday with someone else, because my friend 'liked the numbers'. This friend has much involvement in our lives on a couple of levels and we have mutual friends who will be involved in both our children's lives. Both our children have been conceived using IVF and a donor (not the same one!) and have been a long time in the making, and my friend has drawn parallels between their 'special connection' already.
AIBU and pfb for feeling annoyed by this? DH thinks she is BU also. She could pick any date really, but wants this certain date (and possibly another that the numbers 'feel right').

OP posts:
iklboo · 05/02/2015 08:19

Nearly 7 billion people on earth. 365 days a year. Over 19 million people already share your DD's birthday. Try not to get too wound up about it.

Floggingmolly · 05/02/2015 08:21

They won't plan a cs at 38 weeks.

WizardOfToss · 05/02/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPeterQuill · 05/02/2015 08:37

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I don't think YABU. Yes, your dd obviously shares her bday with millions of random people, but I'm guessing they don't all live on your street or are involved in your lives in some way.

If your friend already thinks they have a 'special connection', I can see her wanting to be involved in joint bday trips, joint parties etc, which some may like, but it would do my head in. What will the age gap be? Will she pushing for them to be BFFs?

I agree with you that if she was randomly born on that day, fair enough. But to consciously pick it? Nope. This would annoy me and I'm about as far from PBF as you could possibly get.

darlingfascistbullyboy · 05/02/2015 08:41

I had two planned c-sections at 38 weeks and one at 37 weeks. In the UK. With NHS drs. There are lots of medical reasons why sections are planned early.

My doctor operated on one day a week, if I wanted her (which I did) then I needed to book on her day - if there was an overwhelming medical reason that the baby needed to be out on a different day I would've have to have booked with someone else.

I would not have given a nanosecond's thought to it being the birthday of a friend's child (or anyone else for that matter) I can think of few things less important when scheduling a medically indicated c-section. If anyone had suggested that I did I'd have thought them to be a massive twat.

Obviously YABU OP.

MrsPeterQuill · 05/02/2015 08:42

I've just seen your reply on the previous page, I may have the wrong idea about your friends intentions. That will teach me to RTFT Grin

Would still weird me out though.

flowery · 05/02/2015 08:43

It won't happen. I was given a choice of two dates, 39+2 and 39+4.

monkeyfacegrace · 05/02/2015 08:47

MN seems invaded by PFB parents at the moment.

I'm reading thread after thread with my mouth wide open Confused

Come back in 5 years and you'll laugh along with us Grin

QTPie · 05/02/2015 08:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GokTwo · 05/02/2015 08:48

I think you would be completely unreasonable of it weren't for the planning of it and the many other similarities between your situation. Yes, I can see how that would be a bit strange and annoying. If I were her I'd actively avoid that date given the choice.

RiverTam · 05/02/2015 08:54

Goodness, some people are very stupid, aren't they? Of course we all share our birthday with squillions of people around the world - that is blindingly obviously not what the OP is talking about it.

If you are very close friends then I can see why it feels weird. I've had to do some jiggling around with parties for children who's birthdays are very close to DD's, me and another school mum sorted this in advance so parties wouldn't clash, and it resulted in another child who's birthday is at the same time, but is a year behind and not at their school, not coming to DD's party, and DD not going to hers - which did cause a bit of upset with the younger child. Of course, it's just a drop in the ocean, but it can be a hassle.

Of course, there's nothing you can do about it, just see how it plays out.

QTPie · 05/02/2015 08:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Marmiteandjamislush · 05/02/2015 08:58

OP, you win the prize for the most bizarre thread I have ever read on MN! I would love to have the time and head space to give a care about stuff like this GrinYou don't even have the excuse of new born induced derangement! YABVVVVVVVVVVVU and ridiculous.

Meloria · 05/02/2015 09:08

Your mutual friends will probably choose not to attend a three or four year old's birthday party to be honest.

tobysmum77 · 05/02/2015 09:22

I dont really understand that comment Melora. In terms of clashes it's easier if you know them well because you can plan. Birthday parties are rarely on the actual birthday anyway.

bluebeanie · 05/02/2015 09:33

I'm a twin and have had to share my birthday every year. Get over it!

RedToothBrush · 05/02/2015 09:57

YABU. If she had the baby naturally would you be upset if it arrived on the same day? Just because its planned does not make any difference. In the UK if you are having a planned C-section and are given a choice of days you normally will only be given a choice of a couple of dates anyway for health reasons. A lot of people don't get a choice at all as there are a limited number of slots available.

I find it sickening in a way that you are more bothered about your daughters birthday than your friends health as that's ultimately what it comes down to.

Not to mention, do you know how likely it is your daughter will be to meet people with the same birthday? In any group of 23 people there is a 50% chance two will share a birthday. Wouldn't you rather that, if its your daughter than its with someone you like?

The Birthday Paradox

I share a birthday with someone close to me. Its rather awesome tbh.

Anyway shoot me now, as I chose to have DS on 1st Sept. The same day as my cousin. I had a choice of 29th August or the 1st Sept. Apart from the obvious school year thing, the latter was later so better for DS AND it fell on a Monday rather than a Friday which is better for staffing on a maternity ward...

Why is she writing the day down and commenting about it being shared? Probably because she's trying to get her head around the fact that she's having a baby that day and its a bit weird in itself.

And the baby may have different ideas and come early anyway!

IShallCallYouSquishy · 05/02/2015 10:00

My best friend is due 5 days before my DS 1st birthday. I want her to go 5 days overdue Grin

Rjae · 05/02/2015 10:05

If you get on with her really well explain that you would prefer a different date for practical reasons like the children having their own 'special day'.

skylark2 · 05/02/2015 10:15

Planned cs at 38 (or even 37) weeks is completely normal if the reason you are having a cs is that going into labour would be dangerous for you. 37 weeks is considered full term so I'm bemused that people think 38 weeks is very early.

I do think her obsession with your kids having a "special link" is a bit worrying. Is she trying to make your daughter into a pseudo-sibling for hers? They might hate one another.

As far as the shared birthday goes, YABU. If you take 23 people at random, there's a 50% chance that 2 of them have the same birthday. Your child probably won't be the only one with their birthday in their class at school.

skylark2 · 05/02/2015 10:16

(actually, that's not quite right - probably not all the kids in her class will have unique birthdays, but requiring it to be her drops the probability to below half).

Clarinet9 · 05/02/2015 10:16

I think YANBU, my SIL did this to me chose to have her elective CS on the same day as my PFB's birthday (and yes she was given choice of dates)
It annoys me still

I think (and someone is going to flame me for saying this I am sure) that it is the choosing if it happened that way fine but she CHOSE to take a part of something special from my child and it annoys me.

Although I would be a bit less annoyed if it was a friend I think AND we are essentially non contact with my MIL partly because of the way she favours her daughters children so that may come into it a bit too. (MIL is also verbally, financially and emotionally abusive but that is for another thread)

Thumbwitch · 05/02/2015 12:02

Clarinet - I think in your case it's a little different though - because it's family, so if there are issues with your SIL and MIL, it's just possible that it was done on purpose to divide your PIL's loyalties, so they had to choose which grandchild to visit on their actual birthday (depending on how far apart you all live). Lots of assumptions there - but I can see why you would be pissed off and with good reason - unlike the OP who wouldn't have the same family conflicts (unless there's something else she's not telling us!)

Clarinet9 · 05/02/2015 12:30

Yup
I agree

Madmum24 · 05/02/2015 12:37

I had a baby on my DSB's son's birthday, it didn't dawn on me that he should be outraged, my initial reaction was "oh it will be easy for GP's to remember!"