Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DP and I not to attend this wedding

116 replies

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:22

Going to let the MN jury decide if I'm being precious or not!

DP and I got wind a while ago that some friends were getting married on what will be DD's 3rd Birthday (a Sunday) in a few months time. Well the official invite has come through the post today, and it is indeed this date.

When DP and I heard that it was due to be on DD's birthday, my initial reaction was (and still is tbh) that we can't really go. DP, on the otherhand, thinks we should/ wants to go to the wedding. I don't really want to, as I can't imagine not being with DD on her birthday and doing something special for it (especially as it lands on a Sunday so we are more flexible as family to enjoy a day out somewhere). DP thinks we could do something for her the day before, which I guess it true, but it seems unfair when DS (4) got a little party AND a day out/special treat lunch on his actual birthday. DD is also pretty verbal for her age, and having seen her brother do a family thing on his special day, might wonder where her Mum and Dad are.

I usually wouldn't bat an eyelid at attending a wedding or leaving the DCs with GPs (I love a good party!), but this just doesn't feel right to me. Attending the reception in the evening is possibly still an option, but it's an hour and half away drive on a Sunday evening.

To put into context the relationship with the bride and groom- the bride is an old friend of DP's from school (he wouldn't phone up/meet up individually with though) and the groom plays sport with him sometimes. We never socialise with them as a couple unless at a party. So they are more DP's friends (I really like them though), and have tried to put myself in his shoes, but I still think I'd feel the same even if it was an old school friend of mine (a best/really close friend would be different).

I know DD is young, but I guess I still feel a bit shit leaving her on her birthday.

Thought i'd ask before DP gets home from work tonight and the debate begins!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:23

Oh, and if I don't get back straight away it's because I'm being hounded by small children! Grin

OP posts:
orangepudding · 04/02/2015 14:26

you could do something with your DD on Saturday instead and Her grandparents can give her a treat on Sunday.

mrsnoon · 04/02/2015 14:27

Will she really know the difference if you make a big fuss and do birthday stuff on the Saturday? DS has just turned 4 and only knew it was his birthday because we told him and did presents, cards, tea party etc. He wouldnt have known the date otherwise.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 04/02/2015 14:29

YABU. She'll have a birthday every year, the wedding will be a once off hopefully

And she won't know the date - have the party on Saturday.

BossWitch · 04/02/2015 14:30

What time is the wedding? Could you do party on Sat, stay over at grand parents on sat night, do a happy birthday breakfast and something treat-y (treasure hunt around the house/garden?) and then let gp's take the kids out for the day while you go to the wedding?

NotYouNaanBread · 04/02/2015 14:30

Have the birthday thing on the Saturday. She won't know the difference and if you feel that it will make a difference to you, and that's what matters, then you are overthinking it.

The wedding sounds like fun. You should definitely go.

squoosh · 04/02/2015 14:32

If you'd really rather spend the day with your daughter then turn down the wedding invitation. If you'd quite like to go then move your daughter's birthday to the day before and accept the wedding invitation.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 04/02/2015 14:33

Yabu. Age 3 is still young enough that they'll remember nothing of any party/special event. Do a celebration the day before or the weekend before. Once the weddings dry up there are ao few parties to go to.

ZenNudist · 04/02/2015 14:33

Sorry YABU, and precious. She's 3, if you don't want to confuse things just pretend it's her birthday the day before. Neither of your dc will know the difference!

It's easy to do something on the Saturday and go to the wedding on Sunday.

You say you'd do the same if it were your friend but I reckon you'd feel differently if it were people you'd known for ages. It's their once in a lifetime (hopefully!) event. A birthday comes round every year. Your dh wants to go, just do it. Don't be a martyr to your dc, go and do something for yourselves as well!

Also you can't always celebrate dc's birthdays on their birthday. Life gets in the way. Just have a celebration when you can.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/02/2015 14:34

You can move the birthday celebration.

They are your DP's friends and he wants to go. If they were your friends whose wedding you were planning to blow off for a 3 year old's birthday Zi might feel differently.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 04/02/2015 14:34

Can't you just tell your daughter her birthday is on the Saturday? She won't know the difference will she?

MrsNuckyThompson · 04/02/2015 14:34

Personally I think YABU. If someone had refused a wedding invitation from me because it was their 3 year old's birthday I would have been quite hurt. I actually think you're being precious and ridiculous about it.

Do something with your DD on the Saturday which is special and real treat for her, then drop her at GP's for another day of birthday fun.

Seriously.

squoosh · 04/02/2015 14:38

But isn't it also be a bit precious to be offended that someone had refused an invite to your wedding?

Snowflakepie · 04/02/2015 14:39

Unless you had already booked something for the birthday, I would tell her that the birthday is the Saturday and then go to the wedding, presuming you do want to go.

We told dd her 3rd birthday was a day earlier because I had to work on her actual birthday, and it meant we could have a nice family day out and enjoy the presents at our own pace. Little kids really don't know unless you tell them.

LadyRainicorn · 04/02/2015 14:39

I've just done my 3yr olds celebration on a Sunday instead of on the Monday her birthday actually was. She didn't seem to care. She cared that a)presents b)cake c)did the thing she asked to do for bday treat d)family was there e)presents.

Do your daughter's party on the Saturday. Or even the next weekend.

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/02/2015 14:39

Why not tell the DC her birthday is on the Saturday and make a fuss of her / have a party / celebrate or do whatever then?

Onetwothreeoops · 04/02/2015 14:39

I disagree with most the posters here. Someone who is barely a friends wedding would not be more important to me than spending time with my own child on their birthday.

Other people's weddings are never that high on my priority list though.

GrinchAnInch · 04/02/2015 14:40

I would feel the same as op, I would not be away from my son on his birthday not even for a close friends wedding. Family always comes before friends in my book. This is probably why I don't have any close friends though and to be honest I don't really care !

Original poster
ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:41

Oh dear, I clearly am being precious, although I wouldn't think anything of it if someone said they couldn't come to my wedding because it was their child's birthday (unless it was my BF!).

It's weird I feel like this tbh, it's taken me by surprise- we usually go out loads without the kids and I don't usually bat an eyelid leaving them at all! I guess it's because we're not hugely close to the couple (DP really isn't either) that I'd rather spend it with her.

Food for thought though, thank you!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/02/2015 14:44

What would happen if your daughter's birthday had been on a weekday? Surely you wouldn't be taking the day off work?

Move the birthday to the Saturday unless you're looking for an excuse not to go to the wedding.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 04/02/2015 14:46

I know that the answer seems simple (i.e. you should go), but I when I had to miss DD 2nd birthday because I was travelling with work, I spent the whole day feeling crap and ended up crying in front of work colleagues. So if you are a toughie who can party on without betting the blues, go to the wedding, But if you are a softy who would just feel rotten all day, don't go and enjoy your daughter's birthday.

CornChips · 04/02/2015 14:51

TBH, I would miss the wedding in those circs.. you are not that close to the couple, and you say your DD will be aware it is her birthday. You don't have to go a wedding - it's an invitation, not an obligation.

coffeeandcalpol · 04/02/2015 14:53

Do her birthday celebrations on the Saturday, she won't care and won't have a clue, she's 3! And as for her thinking it's unfair her sibling had a party and day out,she's probably forgotten that too, you're dh wants to go, you'd both enjoy it, your dd will still have a lovely birthday and her go's will probably be delighted to spoil her for the day-everyone's a winner unless you are too precious!

trufflesnout · 04/02/2015 14:55

I'd spend the day with my DD and skip the wedding.

Original poster
ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:55

Blush DP has taken a day off work for each DC's birthday if it's fallen on a week day Blush He can be quite flexible though and I work for myself so can juggle things easier.

I guess in a probably very unreasonable way I'm miffed that DP would rather have a piss up (disclaimer: I usually LOVE piss ups) at a wedding of non-close friends than spend time with his daughter on her birthday. As I say, they are really lovely people, but we wouldn't go out for dinner with them as a couple of anything like that.

I'll have a think about doing something on Saturday instead. Maybe I'm getting soft as I'm getting older, just worried that I'll get merry and then start weeping about missing DD at the wedding Grin (I'm joking, I think)

OP posts: