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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DP and I not to attend this wedding

116 replies

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:22

Going to let the MN jury decide if I'm being precious or not!

DP and I got wind a while ago that some friends were getting married on what will be DD's 3rd Birthday (a Sunday) in a few months time. Well the official invite has come through the post today, and it is indeed this date.

When DP and I heard that it was due to be on DD's birthday, my initial reaction was (and still is tbh) that we can't really go. DP, on the otherhand, thinks we should/ wants to go to the wedding. I don't really want to, as I can't imagine not being with DD on her birthday and doing something special for it (especially as it lands on a Sunday so we are more flexible as family to enjoy a day out somewhere). DP thinks we could do something for her the day before, which I guess it true, but it seems unfair when DS (4) got a little party AND a day out/special treat lunch on his actual birthday. DD is also pretty verbal for her age, and having seen her brother do a family thing on his special day, might wonder where her Mum and Dad are.

I usually wouldn't bat an eyelid at attending a wedding or leaving the DCs with GPs (I love a good party!), but this just doesn't feel right to me. Attending the reception in the evening is possibly still an option, but it's an hour and half away drive on a Sunday evening.

To put into context the relationship with the bride and groom- the bride is an old friend of DP's from school (he wouldn't phone up/meet up individually with though) and the groom plays sport with him sometimes. We never socialise with them as a couple unless at a party. So they are more DP's friends (I really like them though), and have tried to put myself in his shoes, but I still think I'd feel the same even if it was an old school friend of mine (a best/really close friend would be different).

I know DD is young, but I guess I still feel a bit shit leaving her on her birthday.

Thought i'd ask before DP gets home from work tonight and the debate begins!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Battenberry · 04/02/2015 16:38

OP I'd say to the couple sorry, as it's DD's birthday we as a family have made plans. No further explanation needed. I wouldn't have been offended if someone had declined an invite to my wedding if it was their small child's birthday. Of course if you could take DD to the wedding you could all be together and that would solve your problem!

OddFodd · 04/02/2015 16:53

Why is that ridiculous? You're taking days off work at a time in their lives when your children haven't got a scooby when their birthdays are. When they're at school, they do know. And they accept that there's a birthday tea or whatever after school and a celebration another day. All fine.

And in this instance, your daughter won't care. She won't know or care if you celebrate her birthday on the Saturday, the following Sunday or in a month's time. She's three. And I think guilt-tripping your DP about it is pretty low considering it's not actually about her, it's about you.

trufflesnout · 04/02/2015 16:55

I think MN implodes a bit whenever this situation arises, because on the one hand weddings are boring and the B&G should be honoured if you choose to grace your presence upon them; and on the other MN hates birthdays.

specialsubject · 04/02/2015 16:58

she's 3 and doesn't know her birthday from a week last Sunday.

if you want to go to the wedding, go. If you don't, politely decline.

child's birthday irrelevant. Not a conflict at all.

and as mentioned, birthdays are not an excuse for a day off school or work so in future when she CAN read a calendar, you will often have to move it.

OneDayMySleepWillCome · 04/02/2015 16:59

Not a chance I'd go to a wedding of someone I wasn't particularly close to on either of my kids birthdays. It's just one of those preference things, I wouldn't think someone else was terribke if they did it but for me I woyldbt like not being with dd on her actual birthday. She might not know at 3, but I would.

If it were my wedding and someone said they weren't coming as it was their kids birthday Id find that perfectly acceptable.

If they didn't know you well enough to know it was dds birthday then I doubt they'll be gutted if you don't go.

My dh woyldbt want to go either but if he did I'd probably compromise on going to the reception, saying I'd be the driver etc.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 04/02/2015 17:00

I would k

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 04/02/2015 17:04

I would miss the wedding & stay with my DD. I couldn't lie to any of my DC about when their birthdays are either! Mine have had parties on a weekend when their birthday is during the week but they understand that their party is on a different day from their actual birthday & then we would still have a special birthday tea on the actual day. Also, you could lie to your DD about when her birthday is but you would know that you were not there with her. Both DH & I are always there on birthdays. For preschoolers, he books a day off if it falls during the week. It is a chance to have a special family day together.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 04/02/2015 17:06

Also, some 3 year olds do know about their birthdays and care. My 3 yr old was banging on about her birthday for months before. Talking about who she would invite to her party, what games they would play, what kind of cake there would be.

Patilla · 04/02/2015 17:06

You will be one of many many people in the crowd at the wedding, whereas you're the only parents your daughter has.

I'd rather share her birthday. But then I'm soppy and I would feel like i had missed out more than DD would have missed out!

Would it be a compromise for you to stay at home or you just go for the evening?

MarchEliza · 04/02/2015 17:10

I don't think you're being precious. Yes, birthdays come every year but she won't turn three every year and I can understand that you'll want to spend the day with her.

If I was getting married I wouldn't be at all surprised or upset if someone couldn't attend (and RSVP'd to tell me so) because of such a clash.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 04/02/2015 17:14

A friend of mine missed the wedding of one of her closest friends because it was on her DC's first day at school. No-one thought that was precious - yes, she could have left her DH to drop off & pick up but she wanted to do it herself. This is a similar situation. Although there is a birthday every year, there will only be a third birthday once.

fuzzpig · 04/02/2015 17:17

I took my DD to the wedding of some dear friends on her fifth birthday which was a Sunday. She opened her presents at home in the morning and then we got the train up. She had a fab time and they mentioned DD in their speech, gave her a present and got everyone to sing happy birthday! Then we went to a hotel and the next day we skipped school went to a castle and then on to bluewater to spend her birthday money :o

Mama1980 · 04/02/2015 17:20

Honestly and going against the majority here I'd not dream of missing one of my children's birthdays to go to a wedding. I'd not enjoy it.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/02/2015 17:20

She might not know at 3, but I would.

I know you didn't post this, OP, but I'm wondering if this is the real reason you don't want to have your DD's party the day before her actual birthday?

Original poster
ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 17:29

Hello, I'm back!

SurburbanRhonda - I think you're probably right. I KNOW DD doesn't have a clue exactly when her actual birthday is, but I think I (maybe selfishly) will be thinking this all day at the wedding.

Grin at Trufflessnout and MN hating birthdays, and weddings- I think that's why this thread is so divided!

OP posts:
Original poster
ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 17:31

FWIW I wouldn't mind having a party at all on another day, it's just being with her on her actual birthday I guess.

For posters who think I am totally inflexible, I am well aware that as children get older they can't take days off school/other commitments ffs.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 04/02/2015 17:38

IME, I find these are the best kinds of weddings! You don't have the family angst, you don't have a special role to perform, you can just relax and enjoy it. The fact you don't see them that often is more reason to go.

As others have said, DD won't be bothered if her birthday is celebrated on the Saturday or Sunday.

firesidechat · 04/02/2015 17:43

We have frequently moved birthday celebrations to a different day if it clashes with something more important. I would go and do what dp suggested - celebrate on the Saturday.

DurpDurp · 04/02/2015 17:45

YAB very U It wouldn't cross my mind for one moment not to go. Even if your DD was older - it's a shame to miss the actual birthday but I can't see the harm of doing the birthday the day before. It wouldn't bother me at all.

If you don't want to go to the wedding then don't but don't not go because of a birthday.

TheRealMaryMillington · 04/02/2015 17:53

Give over

You like the people and they want you to be there. If it is a massive do with 300 of their closest friends then you'll not be missed, but if its smaller then it's a pretty ridiculous excuse reason not to go, verging on rude. This is an opportunity to become closer.

Your DD will be totally happy.

TheRealMaryMillington · 04/02/2015 17:55

you can always have a birthday breakfast with her then send her off with gps for a brilliant time

KERALA1 · 04/02/2015 18:02

Yabu very Precious op. Child doesn't know have little party on Saturday. If someone refused an invite to my wedding for this reason I wouldn't say anything but would take the message that I was very very low on their list of priorities.

squoosh · 04/02/2015 18:03

But that would be equally precious I think, to take such offence.

Choccywoccydodah · 04/02/2015 18:09

I'd go, most of the kids at ds' preschool are there on their birthdays anyway while parents are at work, then they have a party at the weekend or something. So it won't matter if you do something the day before or after :)

KERALA1 · 04/02/2015 18:16

I wouldn't take offence as such in a princessy way. But as personally I would have the birthday on the Saturday and child would never know I would feel it was a made up excuse to bin off my wedding. Just such a fixable "problem" with a child that age.

My ex was youngest of 4 and celebrated his birthday on wrong day for first 10 years of his life as by the 4th dc his parents had lost interest!