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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DP and I not to attend this wedding

116 replies

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:22

Going to let the MN jury decide if I'm being precious or not!

DP and I got wind a while ago that some friends were getting married on what will be DD's 3rd Birthday (a Sunday) in a few months time. Well the official invite has come through the post today, and it is indeed this date.

When DP and I heard that it was due to be on DD's birthday, my initial reaction was (and still is tbh) that we can't really go. DP, on the otherhand, thinks we should/ wants to go to the wedding. I don't really want to, as I can't imagine not being with DD on her birthday and doing something special for it (especially as it lands on a Sunday so we are more flexible as family to enjoy a day out somewhere). DP thinks we could do something for her the day before, which I guess it true, but it seems unfair when DS (4) got a little party AND a day out/special treat lunch on his actual birthday. DD is also pretty verbal for her age, and having seen her brother do a family thing on his special day, might wonder where her Mum and Dad are.

I usually wouldn't bat an eyelid at attending a wedding or leaving the DCs with GPs (I love a good party!), but this just doesn't feel right to me. Attending the reception in the evening is possibly still an option, but it's an hour and half away drive on a Sunday evening.

To put into context the relationship with the bride and groom- the bride is an old friend of DP's from school (he wouldn't phone up/meet up individually with though) and the groom plays sport with him sometimes. We never socialise with them as a couple unless at a party. So they are more DP's friends (I really like them though), and have tried to put myself in his shoes, but I still think I'd feel the same even if it was an old school friend of mine (a best/really close friend would be different).

I know DD is young, but I guess I still feel a bit shit leaving her on her birthday.

Thought i'd ask before DP gets home from work tonight and the debate begins!

AIBU?

OP posts:
MissDuke · 04/02/2015 18:20

If the bride and groom suggested you bring her, would that be a compromise? Or would it be a wick way for her to spend her bday, I don't know Confused

I am amazed at the posters who say they would be 'very hurt' if someone declined a wedding invite because they wanted to spend time with their child on their birthday Hmm Sorry but that is far more precious than the op!

KERALA1 · 04/02/2015 18:46

I totally disagree. Maybe for an older child but genuinely can't see why you couldn't shift a 3 year olds birthday by a day - they neither know or care. But personally don't follow the my child centre is the of the known universe nothing else matters mantra

hamptoncourt · 04/02/2015 18:49

I absolutely would not miss my childs birthday to attend a wedding.

I don't think I know anyone in RL who would do this either. OP is the wedding child free?

I would go if I could take DD but not otherwise, no way!

Heels99 · 04/02/2015 18:50

I would do the wedding and have the birthday on the Saturday. The key thing is to celebrate another year of your daughters life and the joy she brings. It doesn't matter a jot what day you do it. If you don't want to go to the wedding, don't go, but don't use your daughters birthday as an excuse. As they get older and have to go to school in their birthdays you end up having parties etc in weekends anyway, it is the norm I am afraid. Your dd is too young to know or care, she just wants cake, fun and presents! She won't gove a hoot that she gets it a day early!

LokiBear · 04/02/2015 19:33

I wouldn't go to a wedding on my DD's birthday unless she was invited too. The celebration can be done the day before, but I'd still want to just be with her. Leaving dd with either set of grandparents would result in them doing a birthday celebration for dd and I would feel like I missed out. YANBU

littlejohnnydory · 04/02/2015 19:42

YANBU. I wouldn't go on my child's birthday even if the child were invited and even if it were a family wedding or close friend.

littlejohnnydory · 04/02/2015 19:48

Children only have a handful of birthdays where they're still young enough for it to be magical and exciting. I want that day to be all about them and even though it could be celebrated on a different day, I'd still want to be with them on the day and make the day special with balloons and candles at breakfast, a decorated chair to sit on, opening presents, cake at teatime, etc. That's what we do when the birthday is a weekday and the party at the weekend. And yes, when I was working I did take the day off work (plus a couple of days to get ready for the party!)

wetbehindtheears · 04/02/2015 19:54

I'd be gutted if I didn't spend my daughter's third birthday with her! I'd know it wasn't her birthday if I did it another day!

Trills · 04/02/2015 19:58

There are two kinds of people in the world

Those who cannot reads calendars, and who will have just as special a day if you tell them their birthday is Sunday rather than Saturday

Those who can read calendars, and are also old enough to understand that sometimes it's more convenient to celebrate on Sunday rather than Saturday.

Everything that you might do on your daughter's birthday, you can also do the next day just as well (or the day before, or the next weekend).

A wedding is not moveable.

So you are choosing to do your daughter's birthday and NOT do the wedding, when you could do all the birthday things (just on a different day) AND do the wedding.

KERALA1 · 04/02/2015 20:01

Perfect summary trills! Don't get the angst when you can easily do both

OddFodd · 04/02/2015 20:19

Well exactly Trills! It could be win/win. Why make it stressful and into a terrible hand-wringing choice when you could do all the things and everyone would be happy? Confused

Hurr1cane · 04/02/2015 20:24

I wouldn't. But after being told I could lose DS when he was little (he's ok now) I am very neurotic about spending every last second I can with him. I won't even go to a wedding of it means leaving him never mind on his birthday.

You do exactly what you feel comfortable with and no more. It's your life.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 04/02/2015 20:24

YANBU

I'm not particularly precious usually but I wouldn't miss my dc's birthdays, even my teenagers won't make plans on their young siblings birthdays

Nancy54 · 04/02/2015 20:29

Yanbu

I wouldn't go on my dcs bday.

justmyview · 04/02/2015 21:01

YABU definitely should go to the wedding

Starlightbright1 · 04/02/2015 21:05

Another I wouldn't go to the wedding..Maybe someone I was really close to but some vague person ..no...And for those who say a 3 year old can't read a calender ..no they can't ..however I like to be with my child on his birthday.... There are times it has not been an option because of work , he was at school and then wanted to go to gymnastics...

if you are bothered don't go if you think your DD will be bothered move it

Vvvoom · 04/02/2015 21:10

There is no way I would miss my dd's birthday for someone's wedding unless they were very close friends.

TheRealMaryMillington · 04/02/2015 21:17

I think if you are friends with people you should go to their stuff (their important stuff, once hopefully in a lifetime stuff, not their pampered chef parties).

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/02/2015 21:46

I'd feel a bit weird about being away from DD on her birthday if she was going to spent the day with her grandparents. I feel totally differently if she was at school or I was at work (as the CM would only do something small IYKWIM and it would only get a mention at school). I know the PIL would do a big birthday thing and it would rile me if I wasn't there. Any other day would be fine, she happily spends a week on holiday with them, but I wouldn't send her there on her birthday. Totally due to my history with the PIL (they are totally lovely but MIL goes overboard), it makes me feel a bit rubbish sometimes.

Although I'd probably come up with a different reason excuse to not go to the wedding. I don't think I'd say it was because of DD's birthday because that does sound a bit precious Blush

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/02/2015 21:49

Or I'd find someone else to look after DD who wasn't the PIL and have a lovely time at the wedding Hmm

CrapBag · 04/02/2015 22:00

I agree with the MN hates birthdays. Grin

I wouldn't go to distant friends wedding over my own child's birthday no matter how old they are.

My child and their day of birth is far more important and I am surprised at the amount of people who think you are PFB. They are hardly best friends if you wouldn't phone them or even go out for a meal with them. I'd actually wonder why on earth they had invited me in the first place.

darkness · 04/02/2015 22:22

Hmmm. If you go to the wedding, you will be one of many, and as your not close probably not in the top 50, however at your sons birthday you will be number one important guest for one of the most important people in the world to you
Why would you go to the wedding...better cake ?

my2centsis · 05/02/2015 06:06

I wouldn't go to the wedding either. Priorities

Purplepoodle · 05/02/2015 07:31

My OH works away during the week and I got away with making their birthday the day daddy came home until they started school as they don't know what actual day their birthday is. Why not have your family birthday day on the Friday and have a small party on the Saturday.

Must admit if you turned down my wedding invite for a child's 3rd birthday I would think its a bit precious.

adsy · 05/02/2015 07:34

DP and me.
just saying