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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For DP and I not to attend this wedding

116 replies

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:22

Going to let the MN jury decide if I'm being precious or not!

DP and I got wind a while ago that some friends were getting married on what will be DD's 3rd Birthday (a Sunday) in a few months time. Well the official invite has come through the post today, and it is indeed this date.

When DP and I heard that it was due to be on DD's birthday, my initial reaction was (and still is tbh) that we can't really go. DP, on the otherhand, thinks we should/ wants to go to the wedding. I don't really want to, as I can't imagine not being with DD on her birthday and doing something special for it (especially as it lands on a Sunday so we are more flexible as family to enjoy a day out somewhere). DP thinks we could do something for her the day before, which I guess it true, but it seems unfair when DS (4) got a little party AND a day out/special treat lunch on his actual birthday. DD is also pretty verbal for her age, and having seen her brother do a family thing on his special day, might wonder where her Mum and Dad are.

I usually wouldn't bat an eyelid at attending a wedding or leaving the DCs with GPs (I love a good party!), but this just doesn't feel right to me. Attending the reception in the evening is possibly still an option, but it's an hour and half away drive on a Sunday evening.

To put into context the relationship with the bride and groom- the bride is an old friend of DP's from school (he wouldn't phone up/meet up individually with though) and the groom plays sport with him sometimes. We never socialise with them as a couple unless at a party. So they are more DP's friends (I really like them though), and have tried to put myself in his shoes, but I still think I'd feel the same even if it was an old school friend of mine (a best/really close friend would be different).

I know DD is young, but I guess I still feel a bit shit leaving her on her birthday.

Thought i'd ask before DP gets home from work tonight and the debate begins!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Battenberry · 04/02/2015 14:57

I'm also going against the grain - your DD may not know the exact day of her birthday so you could celebrate it the day before; however I would much prefer to spend the day with my DD than at a wedding. And I would (and have!) booked annual leave to spend birthdays with my DC in the early years before they started school too!

BlackeyedSusan · 04/02/2015 14:59

yanbu. I don't think you should lie to your three year oldbecause it is convenient.

I would stay with your three yaer old but let your dp go to the wedding if he wants. he is obviously closer to them than you are. have a party for her the day before and do something special with her on the day.

child comes first. not martyrish, just family.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/02/2015 15:00

Yeah, it is pretty U to be pissed off with him for wanting to do something totally normal.

skylark2 · 04/02/2015 15:08

If she understands anything at all about birthday dates, surely it will be that parties are frequently not on the same day as them?

Aherdofmims · 04/02/2015 15:10

You could tell her the Saturday is her b day, but that she will have an extra treat with the GPs on the Sunday. Then you could go to the wedding with a clear conscience.

However, it would also be fine not to go. No one should be offended if you don't go.

You could say her b day is Saturday, do something as a family on the Sat, but let DP go to the wedding alone on the Sunday if it really bugs you not to be there.

There is no right or wrong answer IMO.

QueenB14 · 04/02/2015 15:19

Think I'm in the minority here but I wouldn't go.

For a start as you say, you're not really that close to the couple. Plus I don't think I could leave my DD on her birthday. Plus you only have a certain amount of years before she wants to go off and do her own thing on the day of her birthday

I would understand if somebody didn't attend my wedding for their DC's birthday.

flowerygirl · 04/02/2015 15:20

To miss a wedding for a 3 yr old's birthday is not on, IMO. One wedding, but a birthday every year and your daughter wouldn't know if you celebrated the next day. I went to a wedding and the bride's cousin didn't come because it was her 2 yr old's birthday, everyone thought it was sh*t.

BUT it doesn't sound like you're close to this couple at all, so that is different. If you decide not to go, don't say it's because it's your toddler's birthday, make up another excuse.

Mammanat222 · 04/02/2015 15:25

Haven't read the whole thread but the MN crew aren't very sympathetic re: birthdays.

I posted a while back about not wanting to move house the day after ds birthday (as the day of his birthday would be spent packing / moving smaller bits etc...)

I was basically told to get a grip lol... and we did move the day after his birthday.

I think doing something the Saturday is fine. Most people would have a party on the Sat even if birthday falls on the Sun?

Original poster

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 15:31

Will I sound like a knob then if I say I/we aren't going because of DD's birthday (if this is what we decide)?!

OP posts:

Loveloveloveher · 04/02/2015 15:34

I don't think you're being precious at all. This isn't even a close friend. They aren't little for long so of course you want to make a big fuss of your daughter on her birthday! It's probably worth mentioning that I take a days holiday on DD's birthday, wouldn't miss it!

PatriciaHolm · 04/02/2015 15:41

I think if you do use a 3 year olds birthday as an excuse, the friends will realise very clearly that they aren't in the least bit important to you. Which is fine, if they aren't and you don't mind the friendship dwindling, but personally I think it sounds somewhat of a weak reason to miss someone's wedding.

But then I've always been happy to move birthdays around if that's most convenient, and it never occurred to me to ask DH to take the day off to celebrate a child's birthday.

littleleftie · 04/02/2015 15:43

YANBU - no way would I miss my DDs 3rd birthday to attend a wedding of some people I barely know.

Tell DH if he would rather do so then he is free to attend but you will be hosting DDs birthday party.

If they aren't that close friends they aren't going to be heartbroken about your non attendance are they? Just say you already made plans for DDs birthday and leave it at that.

QuietNinjaTardis · 04/02/2015 15:46

Ds 4th birthday was moved a month earlier as I was due with dd a week before his real birthday. He had no idea it wasn't a real birthday. In fact I've just asked him if he knows what day his birthday Is and he said its near Christmas. He's 5 amd that's as accurate as it gets. Your 3 year old will have no idea if you don't tell her.

Original poster

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 15:49

I feel a little bad as they're not people we barely know, but at the same time we wouldn't go out for dinner together, DP would never phone either of them (unless talking sport fixture with the groom). I think it's lovely they invited us all the same. Hmmm, will have a chat with DP this evening- thank you for all your responses.

OP posts:

OddFodd · 04/02/2015 15:49

What are you going to do when your children start school (when they will know what day their birthday is)? Let them have the day off?

Clearly the couple like you very much because they've invited you to their wedding. And yes, I think they would be hacked off if you don't go because it's your child's birthday at an age when they don't know or care what the actual day is.

And if I were your DP, I'd be really hacked off at you implying I didn't care about my child very much because I wanted to go to my friend's wedding.

bigbluestars · 04/02/2015 15:56

If I were you I would be delighted at having the perfect excuse to avoid a wedding.

I can't stand weddings. And these are people you don't socialise with? I don't get why you are going to the wedding of some people you are not friends with- are they trting to make up the numbers?

cestlavielife · 04/02/2015 15:57

if the birthday date has particular resonance eg traumatic birth, you nealry died, she nearly died etc that she survived etc and the day itself has massive importance to you then dont go if it will impact on your enjoyment.

eg i would not invite my friend to do anything on her dd birthday - nor expect her to - as her dd died. the birthday date is a massive day for her. nor on her death anniversary or funeral anniversary as those days are days which she needs to do her own thing, such as go to the cemetery.

if all was normal and fine then you can easily celebrate wiht your dd the day before - she will understand its her birthday celebration, and go to the wedding if you want to.
if you don't want to and insist that dp cant go either will your dp resent you down the line?

and when they at school you will have to celebrate party etc on diff day anyway.

Original poster

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 16:00

OddFodd Of course not, don't be ridiculous. We take time off (because we can) and because we want to spend their birthdays with them before they go to school and this is no longer possible.

With regards to DP I prob am being unreasonable but I guess that's how I feel, and at the end of the day we both have a choice. If I choose the wedding then I AM putting other people before my daughter when they both have an event to celebrate. If we CAN juggle it in some way then I think we will, but I will still feel guilty. Of course DP loves DD but he will still be choosing not to spend time with her on her birthday.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 04/02/2015 16:03

I'd go to the wedding, I very rarely do something specific with my kids on their actual birthday. I usually shift parties, days out to the nearest Saturday tbh. My youngest will be 4 in a few weeks, she'll be having her party, presents on the day before her actual birthday because it suits us better. I have worked on my kids birthdays, as has my husband, they go to school etc.

CheeseandGherkins · 04/02/2015 16:04

I'd spend the day with my daughter, as would dh. I don't think you're being precious at all. One of my daughters is 3 today

BathtimeFunkster · 04/02/2015 16:04

rather do so then he is free to attend but you will be hosting DDs birthday party.

There's no way the OP is going to do that because she doesn't appear to be a frothing loon.

Your advice is that she should arrange her daughter's birthday party for a day her dad won't be there?

landrover · 04/02/2015 16:04

I dont think that you will be putting your friends before your daughter. Your daughter can easily be told her birthday is the saturday! Easy!

Original poster

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 16:06

bigbluestars see, I actually LOVE weddings! We have several this year, and feel a little guilty anyway as we are leaving them overnight with GPs on 4 occasions already.

This couple are lovely, and like I said, I feel it's lovely they've invited us even though we're not close, but tossing up between them and DD is difficult when it's a situation like this.

OP posts:

TedAndLola · 04/02/2015 16:15

This couple are lovely, and like I said, I feel it's lovely they've invited us even though we're not close, but tossing up between them and DD is difficult when it's a situation like this.

It is, but does it have to be a toss up? Will your daughter believe that her birthday is the Saturday? If she will.. just do it that way. You don't have to outright lie to her, it can be "we're celebrating your birthday on Saturday, daughter's name!" rather than "it's your birthday on Saturday".

littleleftie · 04/02/2015 16:35

bathtime No, I meant that OPs DH shouldn't go either as that's when DDs birthday is. I cannot imagine my DH missing my DDs birthday to attend a wedding - he just wouldn't have wanted to and neither would I. I find it a bit that any parent would be happy doing this but each to their own and all that.

I do think it's a question of priorities and we can see from this thread that some people put a higher priority on birthdays than others. I have to admit I think weddings are dreadfully boring so that would also colour my view

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