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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For DP and I not to attend this wedding

116 replies

ExcitableScallop · 04/02/2015 14:22

Going to let the MN jury decide if I'm being precious or not!

DP and I got wind a while ago that some friends were getting married on what will be DD's 3rd Birthday (a Sunday) in a few months time. Well the official invite has come through the post today, and it is indeed this date.

When DP and I heard that it was due to be on DD's birthday, my initial reaction was (and still is tbh) that we can't really go. DP, on the otherhand, thinks we should/ wants to go to the wedding. I don't really want to, as I can't imagine not being with DD on her birthday and doing something special for it (especially as it lands on a Sunday so we are more flexible as family to enjoy a day out somewhere). DP thinks we could do something for her the day before, which I guess it true, but it seems unfair when DS (4) got a little party AND a day out/special treat lunch on his actual birthday. DD is also pretty verbal for her age, and having seen her brother do a family thing on his special day, might wonder where her Mum and Dad are.

I usually wouldn't bat an eyelid at attending a wedding or leaving the DCs with GPs (I love a good party!), but this just doesn't feel right to me. Attending the reception in the evening is possibly still an option, but it's an hour and half away drive on a Sunday evening.

To put into context the relationship with the bride and groom- the bride is an old friend of DP's from school (he wouldn't phone up/meet up individually with though) and the groom plays sport with him sometimes. We never socialise with them as a couple unless at a party. So they are more DP's friends (I really like them though), and have tried to put myself in his shoes, but I still think I'd feel the same even if it was an old school friend of mine (a best/really close friend would be different).

I know DD is young, but I guess I still feel a bit shit leaving her on her birthday.

Thought i'd ask before DP gets home from work tonight and the debate begins!

AIBU?

OP posts:

NickiFury · 05/02/2015 07:48

I don't really care about other people's weddings but I do care about my child and their birthday so that's the choice I would make.

Chunderella · 05/02/2015 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMaryMillington · 05/02/2015 09:24

I don't really care about other people's weddings

But would you want them to care about yours?

How many of those who wouldn't go to the wedding, had big weddings themselves? Did you want the people you invited to go or did you just want to make up the numbers and spend a lot of money on people you didn't care about

Preciousbane · 05/02/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 05/02/2015 11:32

"Would you want them to care about yours?"

No that's why I went off with ex H and did it without telling anyone .

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 05/02/2015 11:45

I can totally understand why you want to be there for your DD's birthday. She won't know it is her birthday but I get why that is not the point.
Weddings are expensive and quite boring tbh, I'd much rather have fun with my daughter on her actual birthday for as long as I can.

Whatever type of birth you had (as a previous poster referred to) it was still an incredibly important day when she arrived.

I don't think you'll get a definite answer on here OP. Some will think YABU some YANBU. All depends how you view weddings and birthdays.
For me and DP, we'd decline the wedding invite.

KindleFancy · 05/02/2015 11:51

Must admit if you turned down my wedding invite for a child's 3rd birthday I would think its a bit precious

Yeah, I would too if it was some random kid But it's not, is it?

I wouldn't go op, not on one of the dc's birthday. I would decline the invite but either both of us or even just DH go in the evening to take a card and bottle and show our/his face.

KindleFancy · 05/02/2015 11:57

I wouldn't say anything but would take the message that I was very very low on their list of priorities

Yep, that's pretty true for me anyway. My priorities are the dc, followed closely by dh, followed closely by the rest of my family and couple of very dear friends.

Then there's a huge chasm, and everyone else comes after that.

Random colleagues/old school friends/acquaintances don't even figure in my mind when thinking about my 'priorities'. And nor do their weddings.

minipie · 05/02/2015 12:00

It seems like the issue is not so much your DD, who probably wouldn't care if you celebrate on the Saturday instead, but more the fact that you wouldn't enjoy the wedding knowing it was your DD's birthday.

If that's the case then turn the invitation down - why go to a wedding you won't enjoy - but let your DP go, since he doesn't have the same feelings. And don't feel miffed that he doesn't feel the same way as you given that the way you feel is a bit illogical.

TheFecklessFairy · 05/02/2015 12:26

God, how precious can you get? I think you wouldn't want to go whether it was your daughter's birthday, or not!! Will your daughter REALLY know if her birthday is on the day before,...........really?

squoosh · 05/02/2015 12:31

It's only a fecking wedding.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/02/2015 12:38

True.

And it's only a fecking birthday.

There's no right or wrong here, the only issue is that the couple don't agree on what to do.

So the easiest thing is he goes, you stay home with your DD.

It would be really shit of you to try to guilt him into not going to have fun with his old friends just because they don't mean much to you.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2015 14:08

If you don't want to go to the wedding then turn the invitation down. But I think there is a bit of the obligation with weddings. But don't make a three year old's birthday the reason. It could easily be celebrated on a different day.

Hissy · 05/02/2015 14:12

If you have big plans already for that day, that can't be moved, then refuse the invitation.

if you would like to attend, then celebrate on the previous day and go to the wedding.

You really do need to unclench a bit on this, you do realise that when the kids are at school, you throw parties when convenient/at the weekends, and not necessarily on the actual day should the day fall in the week?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 05/02/2015 14:17

It wouldn't cross my mind to miss my kids' birthday to go to a wedding.

If the couple were very close friends or close (& liked) family and had invited kids too, then we'd go. If they were close etc. and hadn't invited the kids, I'd refuse very politely, get them a lovely present and ensure we met up soon to celebrate.

Why would you miss the birthday of your nearest and dearest to go to a wedding with people you aren't very close to?

JassyRadlett · 05/02/2015 14:23

This. I always enjoy the MN 'tell your child their birthday is whenever it's convenient to you, and if you do more than fling stake cake at them you are ridiculous' thing quite amusing.

In your situation, OP, I'd go if it were family or close friends, but these people don't sound like either. I like my kid's birthday; I take the day off to spend the day with him while it's possible because I enjoy it. I don't care much about my own birthday but my kid's is special to me, if not to him. He seems to quite enjoy it too, though.

People didn't come to our wedding for quite a few reasons, though we were really glad with how many came. Some made sense to me, some didn't, ('we've already been to one family wedding this year') but I was sane enough to recognise that my wedding wasn't the centre of anyone else's universe, and that if someone didn't feel they wanted to come, that was fine. I've managed to maintain exactly the same relationship as before with those who didn't make it, because I'm a grown up.

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