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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to move back to UK but DH not happy.

121 replies

bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 07:32

Being both born and raised in UK, at 30 DH and I moved with our 2 DCs to Oz. We have been extremely happy here and just love the place. We went on to have 2 more DCs. His family all moved to NZ and their relationship isn't the best. However, my relationship with my extended family was always very very close before I left. My DP's have been over 6 times since we moved out and every time they leave it is gut-wrenching for me. When we were in the UK my DB's had no children, but now there are 5 cousins that I don't know and my kids don't know. Now I am 40 I am questioning the whole thing big time. My parents have just left after a 5 week visit and I devastated. I miss my family sooooo much and want to go back. I want my DC's to have their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. They have so much here, it is a wonderful life, BUT they don't have extended family. My DH is furious that I am even contemplating it. He gets annoyed when I even discuss and says things like 'how could you do that to me, i would never do that to you'. He loves it here, as do I, but the missing family part he doesn't get. AIBU to think that he should put his family before a place, and my happiness should at least matter as much as his?

OP posts:
molehillormountain · 04/02/2015 07:45

YANBU - in my opinion, people matter more than places.

I was just wondering who instigated the move to Oz in the first instance, and did you ever discuss what would happen if one of you wanted to come home?

SummerHouse · 04/02/2015 07:47

Flowers I really feel for you. This is desperate. I grew up with a gang of cousins and now take great pleasure in my DCs gang of cousins and I can't imagine life where they are not constantly in it. I can't see a solution or a compromise so I am here to hold your hand. Your DH, as upsetting as this might be for him too, should be more supportive and less dismissive. You would be in a less lonely place if he recognised your sadness and came up with ideas to make you happy.

Duckdeamon · 04/02/2015 07:49

You did agree and want to emigrate, and the consequences in terms of your family were foreseeable.

Your H's reaction is unreasonable, however.

It's not just your happiness Vs his. How old are the DC? Are they happy and established there?

Legally, isn't it the case that you cannot leave, even if you split up from DH, with the children?

You might get good advice on expat threads and fora.

molehillormountain · 04/02/2015 07:50

Duck - you can leave with the other parent's permission. Google The Hague Convention.

SavoyCabbage · 04/02/2015 07:51

I'm going back this year. It's perfectly nice here but it's not better. Even if it was, I want to be with my family and to share my dc with the people I love and who love me.

My dh is not happy either. I think he likes having no family and none ofbthe responsibility that comes with having an extended family.

I can't wait to open my car window when I'm hot rather than the other way round. Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 04/02/2015 07:54

If they've just left its not the time to talk about it as you will get over it in time just like you have every other time.

If your life is really great out there you need to take what your DH says into consideration. If you were actually unhappy out there it would be different.

Original poster
bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 07:57

DH pushed for the move, but I wanted it to at the time. I really did and I have been really, really happy for the last 10 years, give or take a few wobbles here and there when I had babies/hard times etc. I just think I have changed (I blame getting older ;-) ) and realising that my previously very fit, active healthy parents are getting old and aren't going to last forever. Also I left when my brothers had no children and now there are HEAPS!!! I hear all the time about how connected the cousins are and I feel so sad for my DCs. They are 4, 6, 13, and 14. My 13 yo DS has some learning issues and when he is with his DGD he just lights up. Although I do honestly feel that this place has provided them with so so much - an amazing outdoor life everyday - what they really need is their extended family. So no it is not just about me, but about them to. I can understand DH's frustration. I have changed my outlook. But I can't help that and he just dismisses it and gets mad.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 04/02/2015 08:20

But "what they really need" is subjective. I would argue that completing secondary education is more important for teen DC than being beat extended family, for example. Friendships too. If you moved would your employment prospects both be good? Housing?

And all your reasons to leave could have been thought through before you agreed to move!

molehillormountain · 04/02/2015 08:24

When was the last time you returned to the uk? If recently, did it 'feel' right to come back?

Duckdeamon · 04/02/2015 08:26

Being near extended family, not beat!

Nolim · 04/02/2015 08:27

It seems that there is one reason to return (extended family) and many reasons to stay. So i would side with your dh.
That doesnt mean not to discuss and try to compromise, visiting more often, maybe returning at retirement.

Original poster
bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 08:32

We homeschool and are self-employed, so both of which we could do anywhere in the world. Haven't visited since we have been here - never had the funds.

OP posts:
DrSethHazlittMD · 04/02/2015 08:32

OP you said: "what they really need is their extended family. So no it is not just about me, but about them too"

Actually, no it IS about you, unless your children have said to you "Mum, we really miss not having an extended family, can we move to the UK please". And I doubt very much they have because they know no different to what they know now.

Many people grow up without any family at all or very little extended family. It doesn't make them lesser beings, or unhinged because they went without. People tend to NEED company. It doesn't necessarily have to be family (friends are the family we choose for ourselves).

Uprooting teenagers at 13 and 14 is often a bad move educationally. If you just had the two smaller children, it really would make almost no difference to them.

molehillormountain · 04/02/2015 08:36

So what if it is about the OP. She made a decision 10 years ago to emigrate when her DH was driving the idea. Now she wants to return home, her DH should honour it now her feelings have changed. It is all about compromise after all.

googoodolly · 04/02/2015 08:36

I think you need to realise that what you miss and what your DC "need" are two totally different things. I grew up in England but my parents are Australian and moved when I was small. I never spent a lot of time around my extended family and as a result I never really missed them. We visited every few years but I was never really sad when I left (not for longer than a day or so anyway).

Your DC won't miss spending lots of time with cousins and seeing grandparents all the time because it's not something they've ever really known. Your eldest were only small when you left - they probably don't remember much, and while they obviously enjoy seeing their grandparents occasionally, you need to balance that with the benefits of life in Australia.

They're settled there, they have their friends and schools and that's where their life is now. You chose that and I think you really need to accept it. Your oldest two are in secondary education and it would be incredibly unfair to move them now - there is a big difference between Australia and UK, not only in terms of the school year, but exams, university, everything.

I know you miss your family but it's a sacrifice you chose to make, and it would be pretty selfish of you to disrupt your family life now. Your children are Australian, that's their life now. If you wanted to move and take the children home and D H disagreed, you wouldn't be able to just take them, you know that, right?

googoodolly · 04/02/2015 08:39

xpost re. homeschooling but the rest still stands. You can't uproot your entire family because you changed your mind. Anyway, this is all hypothetical because if your DH doesn't agree to moving back, you can't just take the children anyway. They would stay in Australia if he disagreed with the move.

DrSethHazlittMD · 04/02/2015 08:39

molehill - so HER feelings are more important than HIS and what effect it could have on the children who may well NOT want to go? So they should all compromise for HER? Doesn't really sound like a compromise to me

Original poster
bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 08:43

The DCs want to be near their family. They want to live close to DM and DF and all their cousins. They don't care about sun, sea and sand. However, they don't know any different really...even the older ones can't remember. Older two don't like the sun so they think the idea of UK is awesome..the reality may be somewhat different. Ugh...this is hard.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 04/02/2015 08:45

How do you know they want all that?

Original poster
bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 08:46

I asked them.

OP posts:
MelanieCheeks · 04/02/2015 08:47

Which bit of the UK are your extended family in? If you haven't been back in a few years you may be surprised at how much it's changed - and a quick read through some of the threads here on Mumsnet will give you a flavour of some of the many problems that exist with life in the UK.

Are all the visits TO you? Can you get a family trip back home every couple of years?

How much use of social media do you make - I keep in touch with my sister and cousin in Australia using Facebook and Skype. Granted, it's not the same as face-to-face, but it's a means of keeping up to date with what's going on in their lives.

molehillormountain · 04/02/2015 08:47

No her feelings are not more important but AS important.

She has done him a huge service in moving there in the first place and giving the family the opportunity. Now she wants the opportunity to spend time with her family. Surely he is the one needing to compromise now.

The children are home schooled so education won't be affected. It would broaden their horizons to see another country.

Plus, I presume the family have citizenship so door is left open for them to return to oz at any time.

Original poster
bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 08:47

I don't think it has helped because we have never developed close friendships that have become 'family replacements'. We have made connections, but for one reason or another people have come and gone out of our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigphatarse · 04/02/2015 08:49

We are from Fareham in Hampshire.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 04/02/2015 08:50

Sometimes people's hopes and dreams are,or become,incompatible.
It doesn't make you or your dh wrong.
Unfortunately I have no advice about the practical solution.