Want to move back to UK but DH not happy.

[bigphatarse]

Being both born and raised in UK, at 30 DH and I moved with our 2 DCs to Oz. We have been extremely happy here and just love the place. We went on to have 2 more DCs. His family all moved to NZ and their relationship isn't the best. However, my relationship with my extended family was always very very close before I left. My DP's have been over 6 times since we moved out and every time they leave it is gut-wrenching for me. When we were in the UK my DB's had no children, but now there are 5 cousins that I don't know and my kids don't know. Now I am 40 I am questioning the whole thing big time. My parents have just left after a 5 week visit and I devastated. I miss my family sooooo much and want to go back. I want my DC's to have their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. They have so much here, it is a wonderful life, BUT they don't have extended family. My DH is furious that I am even contemplating it. He gets annoyed when I even discuss and says things like 'how could you do that to me, i would never do that to you'. He loves it here, as do I, but the missing family part he doesn't get. AIBU to think that he should put his family before a place, and my happiness should at least matter as much as his?

Who home schools arms?

Oh the OP does I see. Amrs you can't say she's "missed out massively" because she home educates. You just can't. Not everyone makes friends at school functions etc and the HE community in Oz is far busier than in the UK.

Shame when this happens. It's always a risk when you emigrate. Frankly, you should have thought about all this years ago.

My husband and I have emigrated from our respective homelands to a wonderful, frustrating and enigmatic third country, and we have made a pact: bar war or cancer, we will stay here at least until our child has completely secondary education. No whining and whatnot before then. It's such a big thing; you can't be temperamental. One nice holiday or one nice visit might make you get our your rose-tinted specs, but you can't do that; it's monstrously unfair to your family.

Unfortunately, you'll need your husband's say-so to take the kids anywhere. Be prepared for this to get messy if you are going to insist.

It does sound so difficult and I do feel for you OP. My concern would be what if you did move back and then your DH hated it and wanted to go back to Oz, or if your DC's did - what would you do then? Would you be able to (bit vague on visas etc)

True, MrsT 'massively' was perhaps overstating it. But if you ask anyone who moves to a new place with small children how they make friends, school is one of the first things they say. Home schooling can (can, not necessarily is) be isolating.

Well traditionally it is yes...but as I said, the Home Education community in Oz is far more developed than in the UK and they have weekly meet ups and playtimes and workshops which they organise together.

Plenty of opportunity to make friends within Home Education.

Get onto this BBC programme and be paid to visit the UK and have a family vote:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006s5v8

They might find it interesting to do a "reverse" version.

I feel for you OP, sounds like a really tough situation. Yes you enthusiastically agreed to emigrate ten years ago but people change and feelings change and the pull of home can grow stronger and stronger, especially as our parents age.

You’re not wrong to want to return back to the UK just as your husband isn’t wrong to want to remain in Australia. It sounds as though you have a good life and you’re all relatively happy and settled there. Give yourself some time, you’re feeling emotional after having waved goodbye to your parents so I'd be wary of uprooting everyone based on this. Revisit your feelings in 6 months time and see if you still have as great an urge to move back.

So you're self employed, but not earning much? Business opportunities in the UK?

Totally understand where you're coming from but also agree that it's very easy to put on rose tinted specs about how great it would be to move home - especially if you haven't been back in a while. I am very guilty of this.

What about just doing a year? Depending on your housing setup in Oz, either rent your place out or just move out. You don't have to see it as moving back, just a sabbatical type thing. And then once you've done six months, see how you feel. It does, of course, merely put off what is possibly a very tough conversation - in that after a year if your DH would still rather be in Oz and you'd rather be in the UK then you're in trouble. But at least you're both informed about how life would actually be in both places.

If you're self employed, and home-school, then you're in a wonderful position to be able to be much more flexible about your location - so use that!

What a difficult position you and your DH are in. Both viewpoints are valid but mutually exclusive.

My parents moved back to the UK from the other side of the world thirty-odd years ago, as my GPs were getting frail and they felt they needed to see more of them before it was too late (this was when international travel was a once a year opportunity at best). FWIW I would feel the same as you.

As I say both viewpoints are valid but your DH is BVU not to have the discussion about how you feel. Six months or a year out in the UK to see how you ALL feel about it sounds like a good idea.

I totally empathise. I 'made' my DH come back from Oz 8 years ago (when I found out I was pg) and its taken him most of that time to 'forgive' me. He would still return in a heartbeat. I did love it out there and I was quite torn, but when I found out about DS1 it made my mind up for me - I wanted him to know the very little family he had.
Have you broached the subject of a trial period in the UK, or financially is that just out of question? It would be a mammoth expense bringing all 6 of you back.
Do you think you'd see your folks more often if you were in the UK - realistically?
Because I see my DstepM twice a year at most (my dad died 3 years after we came back - I can't deny I'm thankful that I was with him and not on the other side of the world), and DH's not-quite-so-DM a bit more (because she visits us not the other way around)
I do like the fact that my boys know their cousins now and I think if I'd had them in Oz, I would have fretted (a lot) that something would happen to me and/or DS and there would be no-one there for them. Other than that though the kids know no different from the life they live now - they are always going to think the grass is greener. I am grateful that I can see my old friends I really am, but I could have managed. Sadly there is no real compromise on this one as we discovered - DH has his heart in Oz and mine is here. I wish you luck.

You both had to agree to move out thereand I think you both have to agree to move back.

A trial year sounds reasonable but I can't help thinking that it wouldn't actually be a trial and having got your family home you'd just refuse to move back to Australia regardless of what your dh felt at that point.

Have you looked at house prices in the UK lately?

It's a very big thing to ask him. To give up his life and love back to a place you both agreed to leave, just so you an be near your family.

It's not entirely unreasonable but it's a huge request and I don't blame him for being angry about it especially when his own family aren't there.

A year in UK isn't really a compromise as it would be really expensive (and you wouldn't be selling your home to fund the love so cash would be an issue) and not enough time to sort out employment etc, plus there could be legal ramifications should you not want to return but your H did.

Not a criticism of home schooling at all but if you have no family nearby then friendships are more important. Most children make those via school.
If you are self employed and home school I am guessing that the 6 of you spend a lot of time together with not many other relationships. I know that's not necessarily the case with home schooling but you do say you have no close friends either.
It sounds like you think these " cousins" would instantly end the isolation but that wouldn't be the case - they wouldn't know each other and might not get on. If it's the only reason for leaving then can't you fix it through clubs etc or ending homeschooling if that's an option?
It's not unreasonable of you to want to discuss it with your DH but neither is he for not wanting to go.

I don't get this because extended family has never been important to me, but trying to look at it objectively it seems there are far more reasons to stay than there are to leave.

I think your husband is BU in shutting you down rather than talking to you about it. But I can see why he's annoyed that you want such a HUGE change in your lives and your children's lives for this reason.

I can see where you are coming from but something else to consider is that children grow up. You eldest might move out/go to university in 5 years and eventually when everyone flies the nest it is unlikely that they will all stay close by.
They might rekindle a relationship with their cousins when they are older.
My dd has no cousins nearby, and sees them a few times a year, yet we all live in the UK.
You can guarantee that they will all stay living in the area nearby. I understand where you are coming from though but I do think that it might be a case of the grass looks greener.

This must be soooo hard. I can't see any middle ground, but for what it may be worth, I believe your husband should not be dismissive of your feelings and should be prepared to discuss a way forward.

I guess that in the original enthusiasm to emigrate to Oz neither of you gave much serious thought to what you would do if, years down the line, the feelings of one or both of you begin to change.

I really do get your reasons for considering a return to the UK, as they are a large part of my own reasons why I would never want to emigrate. Not that I see my family that much as we all live some distance apart within the UK, but at least I know that I can if necessary, and my parents are entering their eighties.

The only sort of half compromise I can see is than you really need to make a visit back to the UK for a few weeks if at all possible. I mean, you really NEED to do that in order to see whether or not it would still suit your needs. There would be nothing worse than uprooting your family, getting back to the UK and then falling out because you find it is no longer as you are expecting. I know funds are a problem, but you may have to bite the bullet and raise them because I really can't see how you can make such a huge decision without visiting to check it all out in detail first.

Perhaps you could say to your husband that if after a visit you realise that the UK is no longer for you and the grass is not greener etc., then you will drop the issue. Not sure where you would go though if you still found you really wanted to return and he didn't.

Op, if you stopped home schooling, could you earn more and therefore come back more regularly?

Do your parents know you'd love them to move out there? Tricky if there are other GC of course.

OP we live in USA and are moving back this year, after three years, it was always going to be a shortish work related stay. We have the option to stay but it's not what we want to do...well, actually DH would stay, but he respects the fact that I need my family and close friends around me to lead a totally happy, fulfilled life. He gets that partly from his career, not necessarily from his extended family, although we are all very close on both sides. Our DC love it here too but very much want to go back to England. I sympathise with you and understand the gut wrenching feeling when family leave. Skype is great but it's no substitute for real contact. When you moved out there, you probably thought it was for life, but 10 years is a long time and feelings change so you're perfectly entitled to review things and consider moving back. I hope you can reach some common ground with your DH, and at least that he can understand how you feel and maybe together you can reach a compromise. Good luck with it all x

I think you really need to separate your emotional response to your parents leaving from the reality of the situation.

You admit you are happy and enjoy life in Aus. To uproot your whole family on the basis of your current feelings is massive and may well not be the best thing to do - you haven't even visited the UK for ten years - you have no idea whether you would all be happy there.

Your older DC may really struggle to settle somewhere they have never been. And your finances may not work out quite as you think - property in Australia (depending where) probably won't finance much of a deposit on a decent size house in Hampshire - especially when you have to use so much to get back, emigrating isn't cheap. You may then find your standard of living drops when you have to finance a higher mortgage. Your younger children won't need a visa though, you can apply for British passports given you are both British.

Life moves forward and the roles reverse - as yoru parents become too old to travel easily, you will be in a position that you can visit them more easily as your DC become less dependent and you are back to funding one or two flights rather than six.

I do understand that your DH's response is upsetting though, he should not dismiss your feelings so quickly.

I get the bit about wanting your extended family around. I would like that too and it's on the list of reasons I'd like to move back home. Would your DP like this? I think you said he doesn't have a lot to do with his so would he feel comfortable with your realtives being a frequent presence in your family life?

If you have not been here for 10 years you can't possibly be sure you will still like it. You really need to do a reconnaissance trip.

My sister recently did what you want to do. She and her DH had emigrated to UK with 2 DC and had 2 more DC here. Similar age range to yours. They did visits to home country once every year or so. After 10 years they wanted to move back home. So they did it. Regret it. But now feel stuck. Don't want to move the children again. Older children still miss friends in UK.

Also keep in mind your only see your family when they are on holiday. They may not have as much time to give to you when they are back home and going about their lives.

Extended family are impt but your immediate family is you, your DP and DC now so it has to be something he agrees on.

Hard I know. I definitely sympathise.

I should add, the idea of a year, or at least a few months back visiting the UK would be a good idea. It might or might not change anything though.

Is there any form of couples counselling you could go to with your husband? I don't think either of you is setting out to upset the other, but he may simply have taken fright at the idea of the upheaval and maybe hasn't realised just how upsetting his reaction to you is.

I think you said earlier in the thread that he not as close to his family as you are to yours (but sorry if I misunderstood). If that has always been the case then he is probably just drawing on his own experience of family relationships so really doesn't "get" the depth or dynamic of yours and how important it is.

He is still being unreasonable for refusing to consider or try to understand your feelings.